AN
Ok, sorry for the delay it's been a busy few weeks, so writing has been slow. Thanks to my faithful reviewers: Arwen1982, and steamrolledharrypotter I'm glad you liked it, and please keep reviewing. And thanks to my beta, who constantly whines at me to get writing and once I have whines about the mistakes, but who without this wouldn't be posted. Please review it helps me to know you're enjoying or not enjoying the story. This was a hard chapter for me to get write but hopefully I did an ok job, so please tell me what you think.
So please please review.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost'.
Chapter 19
Staring into Sawyer's eyes, Alexa couldn't get rid of the longing that she had felt ever since things had gone bad between them. She had tried so hard to squash the hope inside that kept her aching for him, the hope that there was some explanation, something that would allow her to forgive him. She hadn't wanted to be disappointed. She didn't want the hope to be false, so she had tried as hard as possible to just move on. To just accept that Sawyer wanted to be with Kate.
Now she stood expectant, waiting for him to talk. She knew she was leaving her heart open to him, but she also knew it was time she stopped running.
"Alexa I…I don't know what to say." He said. Alexa felt some anger flair up; if he wanted to talk to her then he should talk to her.
"Then don't." She said angrily, ready to walk away. "It's pretty obvious what you were going to say anyway."
"Alexa wait, I didn't know how to tell you I was sorry." His words made her stop. Sawyer never apologised to anyone, she knew that, so did everyone else. To hear the words from his mouth were enough to make her question what he was going to say.
"I know what I did was stupid, and you don't get how much I regret it. It's just…" he stopped again struggling with the words. Alexa knew any admittance of feelings on his part, anything that marked him as human and gave him weakness was hard for him. Under other circumstances she would have put him out of his misery, and told him there was no need, that she understood, but she didn't. She didn't understand.
"I thought that if I kissed her, I would realise what I was feeling was wrong. That it was fake." Alexa just stayed silent waiting for him to continue. She still didn't really understand what he was saying. It seemed neither of them had understood their feelings, but Sawyer's solution didn't seem to be the best of ideas.
"But it didn't. I'm sorry Lex." The most emotion Alexa had probably ever heard from him was in saying something she knew he would probably never say again. Still not ready to say what she had to, she stayed silent but it seemed that the Sawyer she was used to had to shine through again.
"The Arab was right Lex. I don't want to lose you, but don't expect me to sprout any of that emotional crap again. If it's not enough, then I guess we were both wrong."
Alexa knew that Sawyer recognized it was hard for her too, that admitting she hurt was hard, that telling him the truth was hard, but she realised he'd taken a risk, so maybe it was time she did as well.
"It hurt Sawyer. It really hurt me. I promised myself that I'd never let myself get hurt like that again. Hell you promised me you'd protect me. You broke your promises, and that hurt as well. You know I don't like feeling second best, and yet you went and did it all over again." With that off her chest Alexa decided that there were other things that needed to be said. "I'm sorry as well." Alexa said quietly, she saw Sawyer incredulous expression and tried to explain "I'm sorry that my insecurity pushed you away, I'm sorry that I allowed my fear to get in the way. Most of all I guess I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. Look I know you don't need anyone to protect you, but you listened when I told you about what I did wrong, and yet you had to go to Kate, I should have been there."
"Can't believe your trying to blame yourself for this one Lex." Sawyer told her. "Freckles and I are through, whatever was there, if anything, it ain't there anymore."
"But…" Alexa wanted to protest that she didn't understand why. Kate was better looking, had a better personality, probably was a better kisser and was, in all probability, more like Sawyer than either of them would ever admit. Sawyer however stopped her, as if reading her mind.
"Freckles ain't a patch on you Lex. Look I know that my reputation is pretty bad, and I ain't saying I'm gonna change who I am, but I only want you."
Alexa was still a little shocked at his statement. She didn't want Sawyer to change, she'd fallen for the outcast, and mercenary he was. the only thing that had bothered her even then, was the idea that maybe he had been using her, like he had with so many others. She stopped the thoughts of her insecurity, trying to keep to the promise of not letting her fear get in the way.
"Where do we go from here?" Alexa asked finally, as they both stood staring at each other. Alexa found that she hadn't cried throughout, and wondered if perhaps she had run out of things to cry about. She wanted to forgive Sawyer, for everything, yet she couldn't help but wonder if he would go and do it all over again. If she was just leaving her heart open again - her trust was so sparsely given. Then again it seemed those who gained it, found it harder to lose than she thought.
She had forgiven Sayid for his mistakes, yet their friendship even now was not as strong. Most of all however she had asked for forgiveness from others; Boone had not given it to her, but she had been happy in the knowledge that she had at least tried to fix her mistakes. Her best friend had forgiven her for the deepest of betrayals, yet she had never truly forgiven herself. Could she forgive Sawyer for this? She herself wasn't exactly the advocate of second chances, but she knew inside she wanted to give Sawyer one. She also knew, however, that maybe she was just setting herself up again, she didn't want to make the same mistake twice.
"Guess that's up to you Lex." Sawyer told her eventually.
Alexa for once ignored her doubts ignored the voice telling her she was making a mistake, and reached up curled a hand around Sawyer's neck and kissed him. The kiss betrayed feelings that words alone could never show, it showed Sawyer the depths of Alexa's hurt, and Alexa the regret that Sawyer felt for his actions. Most of all, however, it was of longing and of passion, and as they broke apart Alexa knew that maybe she had made the same mistake, but for the moment this decision made her happy. And that was what mattered.
"Guess that means I'm forgiven." Sawyer said with a trademark smirk. She smacked his arm but willingly took his hand as they headed back to camp. Alexa however quickly noticed something was wrong, as Sawyer winced in pain once again.
"What's up?" She asked her voice laced with genuine concern.
"Headache." He replied. She merely raised an eyebrow. It was unusual for Sawyer to complain of something like that unless it was really bad.
"I have some aspirin, but you should probably go see Jack." She knew her suggestion would be met with a great deal of opposition. The animosity between Sawyer and Jack was as great as ever, although with Sawyer backing off from Kate; perhaps they could make up some of their differences. Still listening to Sawyer's rant, perhaps they were destined to hate each other.
Alexa found it hard to drag herself from Sawyer's side and it seemed he felt the same, as for the fifth time, she tried to move away but was pulled back by Sawyer only to have him pull her into a kiss again.
"I really have to go." She told him "I'm behind on helping the guys with the raft."
He looked a little disappointed but she saw the grin in his eyes as he kissed her once again, before finally releasing her.
"Think about what I said." She told him over her shoulder as she made her way over to the raft. She quickly joined Jin in adding another level to the structure of the raft and they got back into an easy rhythm. Michael wasn't around and she had heard someone mention that he had been talking to Jack. Working on the raft gave Alexa an opportunity to think. She wondered if maybe she was going to regret her decision but quickly quashed the thought. She should appreciate what she had, not what she might lose. She also knew, however, that her newly rekindled relationship with Sawyer may put a strain on the new friendships she had worked so hard to build. She knew Jin would not mind, she knew he couldn't speak English, but it wasn't that that gave her founding for her thoughts. There was so much between Jin and herself that didn't need to be said. On the surface she didn't understand what had happened between him and Sun, but underneath she saw that whatever else they loved each other, just the same as Jin saw how she felt about Sawyer and on some level understood.
Her other relationships however were in more question; she knew that she and Kate had never been the best of friends, but now things were even worse. Alexa knew Kate did not hold all the blame and she had forgiven Sawyer, so why not Kate? Alexa also knew that it was on some level jealousy that held her back; inside she still had lingering doubts, and the belief that Kate was better than her only fuelled that. She doubted the friendship between she and Jack would change, and it was tenuous at best. Jack had never approved of her involvement with Sawyer any more than he really approved of either of them. Alexa knew that their friendship was built on rocky ground and only on the joint desire to see through some of the same goals. He was a good guy but other than that there was nothing which drew them together.
In the past Alexa would have wondered about Sayid's reaction, wanting his opinion, but things had changed. He had Shannon now and it just wasn't the same. Alexa knew they would remain friends, for they had been through too much not to be. She had forgiven him for something which he had not really forgiven himself, and he had been one of her only friends here - it wasn't something that you just lost. Now however Alexa found herself pondering Michael's reaction. She had no idea how a friendship had built up, but the fact that it had and that she was unwilling to lose it surprised her. She looked up and smiled as Michael made his way over to her and Jin, behind him trailed Walt and the golden retriever: Vincent.
"Hey Michael." She said with a wave "Walt." She said as the boy gave her a small smile before looking around at the raft.
"Nice to have you back Alexa." Michael told as her pulled himself up onto the level she was currently stood on. Walt watched before quickly moving into a game of fetch with Vincent.
"Sorry about leaving like that yesterday." She told them, as she deftly caught a piece of bamboo Jin threw to her.
"Don't worry about it. I figured you had some stuff you needed to sort out." Michael told her. She nodded and felt glad that he partly understood, and wasn't instantly questioning her.
"Walt, be careful!" She heard Michael shout. Looking up from what she was doing she saw Walt running after Vincent precariously close to the jungle edge. She understood Michael's concern; going into the jungle alone was hardly safe for anyone let alone a ten year old boy and a dog. She watched with a slight smile as Walt moved closer and threw the stick for Vincent once more, Michael it seemed had seen her smile.
"You ever think of having kids?" he asked her. Alexa looked at him curious, and pondering her answer; she decided that the best way would be just to tell him the truth.
"Once, but things didn't turn out how I planned, and now, I realise I don't think I'd ever be ready to be a mother." Alexa had once wanted children but the wish had been short lived; with her quickly realising she was far from maternal. The idea had been dismissed, and she had never thought about it again. Until now. As Alexa pondered it, she knew that she didn't think she could, it just wasn't something she had ever thought would be apart of her life. Then again if a few months ago some one had told her she would fall in love with a man like Sawyer, she would have laughed at them.
"When did you decide…?" Alexa trailed off wondering if her question to Michael was too personal, he looked slightly pained for a minute, with memories of the past.
"I didn't really. To be honest I only started being a father a few months ago." Alexa looked at Michael with a deeper sense of respect; she didn't truly know what had gone on but it was obvious he cared for Walt, and was doing a good job looking out for him.
The silence slowly receded, as both Michael and Alexa reminisced. The past which before had seemed only filled with pain was now holding brighter memories for Alexa, things she had refused to see before. Her best friend: Sara had wanted children; she had wanted a family. She and Alexa had spent hours talking of the future when they were kids, Alexa had wanted to go on adventures, to see everything, go everywhere, to fall hopelessly in love with some daring explorer and travel the world with him. Sara's dreams had been slightly more realistic, she had wanted to go to university and get a good job, meet someone get married and have a family, she wanted a big house, with a big garden and somewhere where she could watch her children play. They had both laughed at each others dreams wondering how they could be so different. Alexa found herself smiling at the memory before remembering that her friend hadn't got her dreams. Yes she had got a good job, gone to university, but after that things had begun to fall apart. She had met someone, and then Alexa and he had betrayed her, and if that wasn't enough her friend had had to deal with the idea that there wasn't enough time for her to live her dreams. That she wouldn't get to have that house, she would never have children, and Alexa hadn't been there. Where was she? Oh she was out there living her dream; except it wasn't quite as glamorous as Alexa had thought.
"Take a break Alexa." A voice broke through Alexa's memories. She shook her head of the memories before looking up at Michael and nodding. She grabbed a water bottle and drank some before climbing down and heading for the shade of the trees. She stumbled realising she had nearly walked into Locke and Boone who were in deep debate.
"Sorry." She mumbled, as they both looked up at the intruder and stopped talking. Locke simply smiled at her but Boone glared, she returned the glare, before remembering she was trying to make a better start with Boone as well.
"Sorry for everything Boone." She said as she walked away, Locke looked on as he always did with the knowing gleam in his eye. The look that always made Alexa wary, with the thought that he knew more than he should. Boone sneered at her, and she sighed in resignation, perhaps he truly would never forgive her, but Alexa found herself happier in the fact that she had time, that she maybe he'd relent eventually.
She walked away once again heading for shade, and left Locke and Boone to whatever they were talking about. She caught sight of Sawyer with a cloth over his head in the shade of the trees talking to Jack, she made her way over. The conversation seemed to have finished when she arrived as sunk down to Sawyer's side and felt his arm pull her towards him. Before getting comfortable however Jack gave her a worried look before speaking.
"Alexa perhaps I could talk to you?" Jack asked. Alexa raised an eyebrow at Sawyer who merely shrugged, but before she could stand up and leave he took full opportunity and reached forward and kissed her. The kiss had meant to be a parting one, but soon developed further, they were still kissing when Alexa heard an impatient cough from behind. Blushing and remembering Jack was still around she quickly pulled away. Not before Sawyer could whisper in her ear however.
"Later." He said huskily making her shiver.
She stood up and began walking with Jack, it was a while before he spoke but she didn't push it.
"I'm assuming you two are back together." He said. Before she could say anything however he continued "I don't know why you broke up, but I think I was glad when you did." Jack raised a hand to stop Alexa's outburst of indignation "He's a bad influence Alexa, and he'll only hurt you. He uses women; I thought you knew that by now, and I don't think it's good for any of us if the two of you are together." Jack finished calmly while Alexa tried hard to keep her breathing steady and not shout and scream. She was having trouble.
"What a load of self righteous rubbish! I'm old enough to make my own decisions Jack!" Alexa calmed her breathing once again and went on in a calmer voice "Thanks for your concern, but I do whatever I want, and I really don't think our relationship has any bearing on the rest of the camp or has anything to do with them or you at all." Alexa told him. He seemed resigned to the fact that she was going to say that, and mumbled something along lines of the fact that they deserved each other.
"I know you're only looking out for everyone Jack, but don't you ever get tired of playing the hero?" Alexa asked him as she walked away.
Alexa knew Jack's concerns only dwelled for what he thought was best for her and everyone else, but she couldn't see how being apart from Sawyer was helping anyone. Perhaps on the outside she had been fine, but on the inside their break-up had been tearing her apart, and Sawyer had isolated himself further from the group. By being with her he created links however indirectly to those she was friends with. They were both outcasts, so she didn't see how Jack had suddenly decided they shouldn't be together. Unfortunately some of his concerns were shared by Alexa herself. What if Sawyer was only using her? What if this was just another game to him? Still she had seen the look in his eyes, you couldn't fake that could you? Alexa didn't want to doubt Sawyer, but she couldn't help but doubt herself.
Making her way back to Sawyer's side, he seemed to know she didn't want to talk about it, so merely wrapped his arms around her. The comfort he brought was enough for the moment to chase away her doubts, but she watched as for the fifth time he winced when he heard a sound from the beach, she decided she had to do something. She stood up and pulled him with her.
"What…where?" Sawyer asked confused, wincing at his own words.
"We're going back to find Jack. You have to do something about your headaches." Sawyer groaned, but it seemed he didn't have another option.
"If I didn't love you Lex…" Alexa struggled with her shock at Sawyer's slip. He had never told her he loved her; not once. She doubted he had said it sincerely to many people, and the fact that even as a mistake he had said it to her, made her heart soar.
"It's because I do, that I'm making you go." She told him as she stuck her tongue out at him. Doubts buried far away, Alexa felt happier than she had in weeks; it sounded so cliché, that just one word from him could make her euphoric or reduce her to tears. On the one hand she hated the dependence - she should be fine on her own - but on the other the feeling that everything would be ok when they were together - that no matter what they could get through it - made it seem worthwhile.
As they made their ways into the caves, the first thing they expected to see was not Jack and Kate lips locked; kissing. Alexa was too shocked to say anything, but Sawyer merely laughed.
"'Bout time doc, thought you were never going to get to it." Sawyer said laughing as both Kate and Jack threw him dirty looks. Alexa resisted the urge to say that Kate got around, knowing that besides sounding incredibly bitchy, it made her sound jealous and immature.
"Maybe be we should leave em to it Lex. I got a feeling the doc ain't had any for a long time." Sawyer joked, seeing Jack's glare, Alexa couldn't help but smile, but noticing Sawyer's wince one more, she shook her head.
"We came for a reason." She said reminding Sawyer. Alexa took a seat next to Kate as Jack took some tests. You couldn't miss the awkward atmosphere between Kate and Alexa if you tried. Although Alexa had swallowed her pride by sitting next to Kate, she didn't think she was quite at the stage where she could start a conversation.
Alexa sighed in disgust as she realised Jack's questions were merely trying to make Sawyer look foolish, she got up to follow Sawyer before turning to Jack.
"Was that really worth it?" she asked as she walked away annoyed and knowing she needed to catch back up with Sawyer. She jogged to catch up as Sawyer walked briskly and angrily back into the direction of the beach.
"Hey wait!" She shouted. Obviously recognising her voice Sawyer stopped and waited for her to catch up. She heard his angry mumbling, and couldn't help the smile that lifted her features.
"Bet I can take your mind off it." Alexa said with a mischievous grin.
"I don't doubt that." Sawyer said playfully all his anger gone. Then they were once again kissing; making up for lost time.
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Alexa had gone back to working on the raft after leaving Sawyer with her sympathy and another bottle of water, telling him she would be back later. Alexa's fingers were numb since she hadn't stopped working for hours, and she tiredly made her way over to Sawyer's tent, which she had been asked to move back into. She couldn't stop the laughter that came, as she saw Sawyer reading another book. He was wearing glasses, or parts of glasses, it looked as if someone had attempted to make him a pair out of many other pairs, and it was hilarious.
"Oh yes very funny." He said sarcastically as she made her way over. She took a bottle of water and grabbed a drink. Noticing his eyes on her she looked at him, but couldn't help the smile. He frowned and turned away back to his book.
"I'm assuming you sorted the headache problem then." She said, and he merely nodded. "Definitely liking the new look. It suits you." She told him as she sat down next to him. Seeing her to his left, Sawyer rolled his eyes lifting his arm so she could lay her head on his chest and read as he was. She felt his hand stroking her hair, and the familiar scent of the cologne he wore even on the island, and smiled. There was no mocking, and no concealment, or secrets. The smile was real.
For the moment all the doubts, all the fears, all the thoughts of loss and of loneliness were gone. Memories of past mistakes were gone with thoughts of uncertain futures and for that one moment they could both be happy.
Please R&R, thanks.
