10/04

Dear Journal,

I'm still wallowing about my violin if you care. Not that you do. I mean, you're just a book. It seems that everyone else does, though. The day after the incident, Potter confronts me.

"Hey, Trinity? I'm sorry about your violin. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"You can start off by taking the blame, since you knew that I didn't want anyone to touch it. Then, you can leave me alone, like I've been asking you all year," I say in an icy voice. I didn't care; I was overwhelmed with sadness and hatred. Like usual.

"Wait! How come I get the blame and Pavarti doesn't! It's not fair!"

"Life's not fair Potter. And, I already owled my father about this; he plans on a lawsuit against her. And besides, you are in charge of the group; therefore, you are responsible for whatever damage your group causes during those meetings of yours."

"Alright, but I don't want to leave you alone. You're... stunning. I mean, you're smart, beautiful, and you have all these talents. And I like you, yet you refuse me. What's up with you?"

"I don't like other people just because they like me. If I don't like you, then that's my business. It isn't harming you, so you shouldn't need to worry. Now, if you'll excuse me, I don't like talking about my personal life in front of the entire school," I said, leaving the Great Hall. Did I mention that it was lunch and because it was a Saturday, just about every one of the students were there watching us bicker? I didn't? Well now you know, don't you?

So then, I just wandered around that day, successfully avoiding everyone. I slept in the library that night. The next day, Ron found me waking up.

"Trinity! Where were you? Hermione was worried sick!"

"I was sleeping here all night. She doesn't need to be worried about me; I can take care of myself."

"We'll, she's worried. And I want to talk to you."

"About...?"

"Your violin. I know it's broken, but can't you repair it with a spell?"

"The spell you're talking about can only put together. There's still going to be a scar there, and it probably won't be tight, messing up the sound. So, I tried, but it didn't work."

"Oh. Then why don't you make your own spell? I mean, you are smarter than Hermione, right? So, you should be able to make your own spell."

"Thanks for not doubting my abilities, but I take months to even figure out the outline of the spell. It's not easy."

"Oh. Well, it was a good try. So... you do know that you can't stay in the library forever, right?"

"I know."

"Then where do you sleep at night?"

"Lupin's classroom. He doesn't mind as long as I get sleep and I tell him why I'm there for that day."

"Oh. You know Hogsmeade trip's coming up this weekend."

"Yeah. So?"

"Well, I wanted to see if you would be like Hermione when I say Hogsmeade. Oh well. Anyways, you wanna come with me and Hermione?"

"Sure. I'll meet you somewhere. I'm going to get some food now," I said walking away. That was how it was for the whole week. There were a bunch of people walking up to me, saying that they heard what happened, saying that they were so sorry for my loss, like my violin was alive. They say that they want to help. But I don't want it. They all end up hurting me anyways.

So, today, I am hiding out near the lake. I don't think anyone saw me. So, here I am, in an incredibly thick cloak, swathed like a cloth around me. Well, it may be big, but it is very good for not letting people know who you are.

Right now, I have no idea what to write/think about. I really don't like this life. It's just... annoying. You know, recently, I read the oddest story. It was... beautiful, but scary at the same time. I've heard of a lot of things like that. It's amazing sometimes. You wonder how something so good can be so horrible. And then, it just clicks. You see both sides, and then you get it all.

I wish I could do that. You know, be all knowing and forgiving, so that other people might forgive me. They could forgive me for hating, distrusting. But in this life of reality, they won't. They never will, and I'll never be all knowing and forgiving. I just can't let go of grudges. They made too much of my pain to just forget. Maybe that's what I need to do. I need to learn to forget. But we all know that it's not going to happen soon.

I wish I could really talk to someone. Someone that would understand what I want to happen. I want Logan to come here, but I don't. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn't. I want him here in a sense to comfort me again, like how he used to comfort me at Salem's, when I was sad. He would start telling me how if I was really the strong girl that he knew then I wouldn't be like this. That sadness spreads, and I was just an innocent victim of emotions. More than once I got mad and rebelled. I told him that even people that show no feelings have feelings. More times than that, though, he became my punching bag, only because he told me to hit him. He believes in the complete opposite of my father. Father thinks of peace; he thinks of violence.

Out of all the things about him, that's what I like the most. That I could leave my life with him, and he'd protect it with his own. Well, now, about how I don't want him here. Honestly, I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that all he did was use me for homework. That I never truly meant anything to him, and he forgot about me just because I wasn't pretty enough. Or, I was just a show for his parents who wanted to keep the line of Purebloods that were smart. And this is where the statement above shows. The notion of him coming is beautiful, but scary all at the same time.

So, I'm confused. Have you ever felt that way Journal? Confused? You could be confused. Confused about why I'm telling my innermost secrets to a book of all things. Especially when I'm out of trust. No more me giving out trust. It's all spent on broken spirits and Hermione and Ron. I trust them the most out of this whole school, and I've spent all my trust on them.

It's funny how I talk about trust. The way I write, trust seems a lot like money or something like that. Odd, isn't it? Well, then again, a lot of things about me are odd. Like how I have grey eyes and black hair when my mother has blond hair and blue eyes and my father has brown hair and green eyes. Sometimes I think I'm adopted. But then, I think of that DNA test I made and took. I truly am their daughter.

I want to stop writing now, but then I wouldn't have reached my usual standards. And if I don't reach my usual standards, then that means that I really am getting weaker. And getting weak is never a good sign. It shows that I'm changing when I don't want to change at all. I want life as how it was for 5th year at Salem's.

I don't know what to write about anymore. It's all... nothingness. Oh yeah! Current events, forgot about it. ; Anyways, we're having a Halloween Ball on Halloween. It's a costume party, and everyone has to come because of some special guest. He says that the guest is a guy that has just contributed some money to Hogwarts and his son is transferring here too. I wanted to know who it was. But Dumbledore, that old git, wouldn't tell us. A surprise he says, with a twinkle in his eye. Damn him for his twinkling eyes!

Well, I only need about half a page, and I'm done for the day. Classes are extremely boring. I do the homework in class. I need more of a challenge to write about. Oh yeah, I haven't talked much about Potions, have I? Well, we finished our Polyjuice Potions, and I got an O. Now, we're starting the Pepper-Up Potions. So boring. Like I said, I need a challenge.

Wait, a challenge is staring at me right in the face. I have 29 days to figure out who I'm going to that stupid ball as. Wait, answer is staring at me right in the face too. Literally, I'm in front of the Heads' Dorm Portrait. It's the one of Morgan le Fay. Duh, she's who I'm named after, and she's one of my role models. Sometimes, I feel so stupid. Anyways, one challenge down, another one to go. Where will I get a costume, and will I need help for hair and makeup? Well, let me go see Hermione first.

Alright, Hermione's here. She says that I should get Lavender and Pavarti to help me with that; it'll ease Pavarti's conscious because of the... umm... scene. And so I should- Oh, they're right here. Blah, blah, blah, and now it's all cool. They're gonna help me with ball stuff, and I'll help them out with spells for these things. That, and I'm supposed to forgive Pavarti for what happened. Oh well, it's all cool, and there's my finished commitment. So, see you in a week my odd journal.

Trinity

A/N Okay...Not my best chapter, but I'm kinda in a sort of block... Nothing in my head... And I just finally finished writing chapter 10... How's it feel to know that I'm updating slow on purpose? Huh? Mwhahahaha... BTW, this is the last update until after camp... so next update should be in about 4 weeks, cuz it's a week until camp. Oh yea, if u have no idea what I'm talking about, look at the profile. So, all of our stories are going to be on hold... R&R... And be happy!