Chapter 29: Queen of Mean (Audrey and Blackfire's Remix)
The throne room was both exquisite and insane in Audrey's perspective.
Black-and-white tiles covered the floor in geometric patterns, the maroon walls had glittery gold patterns of magnolia flowers, the marble pillars were constricted by vines of melted gold and rose quarts flowers, and the chandelier of ruby droplets and pink diamonds almost made it look like blood and pink lemonade were going to rain over. The throne room's single window fit an entire wall and majestically depicted a red stag and pink phoenix facing each other, both fashioned in art nouveau. Between two porcelain vases of cherry blossoms, two thrones stood out, both made of polished black wood and velvet cushions, one of rose and feather carvings and the other fashioned like a mountain of deer bones.
If Audrey didn't know any better, the interior designers among the Parademons and Paradooms really anticipated for the Radio Demon to move in.
Such admirable work on their part, Audrey heard Alastor. A bit too extravagant, compared to my own humble domain in Hell.
Well, you tell them you have no intentions of going through with it. I have bigger problems than your opinions on interior design.
"There she is!"
Audrey nearly tripped when the doors opened and Blackfire stepped in first, practically screaming in glee and confetti flying everywhere. Iclyn was adjusting Charles on one of the couches at the corner of the room, shielding him with her blazer so he wouldn't get a cold.
"Queen Blackfire! What a surprise!" Audrey couldn't believe she was employing the old trick in the book she had learned back when she was a princess. To grin and bear it and keep a smile on her face. If she was lucky enough, Blackfire would go easy on her.
"The things you underwent in the past 24 hours!" Audrey didn't have time to react when Blackfire practically constricted her in a 'congratulations' hug. "I knew it the moment you first challenged Lokisdottir that you were one of greatness! Now look at you! First turf war and already among the greatest! Everyone on this side of the world, alive and dead, are talking about the Queen of Mean's rise of power! Why, when I rode on my limousine to come see you, I spotted at least ten shops selling action figures and a mural on the Northside! Everyone LOVES the Queen of Mean!"
"Splendid…" Audrey almost choked for air the moment Blackfire let go of her.
"And to boot it all, everyone is talking about how a first-time all-star like yourself summoned ALASTOR THE RADIO DEMON! The most unattainable of all the demons! I'm so envious! Not even my own daughter could achieve this!"
"Ah, that." Audrey clasped her hands together. "About that…"
"I know what you're thinking!" Blackfire's grip landed on Audrey's shoulder. Even though it was one of those friendly grips, Audrey could still feel the tightness. "I know, it's not easy. You just got out of an oppressive country, you still have a deal to agree on with your devil, and most importantly, THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!"
"Excuse me?" Audrey managed to pull away from the grip.
"I know! And that's why you got associates within the Villainapolis head honchoes to help you ought!" Blackfire snapped her fingers. Two Tamaran servants came in, carrying one of those journal paper pad presentations and a stick. Apparently, Blackfire must have spent hours scrapbooking the entire pad with markers, pictures, and calendar dates.
"What is happening?" Audrey whispered to Iclyn as Blackfire snapped orders at her servants.
"This… is what happens when one of the head honchoes of Villainapolis has a kid who is associated to a newbie all-star. TOTAL desire to get on the all-star's good graces," Iclyn muttered back. "But thanks to that little curse of yours? She sees your betrothal as a way to improve her connections. Probably hoping that through the future Mrs. Alastor, her business will thrive even more with a demonic network."
"Mrs… Oh, no!" Audrey shook her head. "I am not having some stranger act like my relatives! I'm putting my foot down!" Audrey shook her head and politely walked up to Blackfire. "So. Queen Blackfire. There's something…"
"Wrong with my underpaid buffoons, I know!" Blackfire rolled her eyes and used her stick to point at her paper pad. "Obviously, you need to contact Lydia Deetz to organize the Demonic Contract Ceremony..."
"Well yes, but…"
"You're obviously underaged. Come to think of it, when will your eighteenth birthday be? Oh well, he's immortal. I'm sure he can wait until you're an actual adult; I know Lydia Deetz would murder any adult who tries to marry a child."
"I can imagine, but about that…"
"I know! It gives at least a couple of years to plan out the permanent location of the human HQ of his radio station in Villainapolis, will this castle -FYI, very nice design- be the permanent abode or will he transition between Hell and Earth, and finalizing the plans for the wedding! Venues, guests… Forget guests, this is something EVERYONE will have to attend! We'd have to contact Willy Wonka, he makes the best wedding cakes, I know that Noir can come up with thousands of different wedding dress designs! I've already had her thinking of materials! Obviously white elk fur trimmings; he died in the 1930s, so maybe a close to 1920s styled dress would be suitable! Did your subjects already build a masters' chamber, plural version FYI? Because I don't know if the Radio Demon is old-fashioned enough to follow the old-rated traditions of marriage consummation and…"
That was too much for Audrey to handle. All of the alien queen's rambling did was remind Audrey of a wasted lifetime, courtesy of her family. A lifetime of being told what kind of princess she had to be. A lifetime of being told that she had to be the next queen of Auradon. A lifetime of being surrounded by sycophants. A lifetime of plans that ended up being all for nothing and people saying it was her fault when she had no control. Being molded for a destiny that wasn't even hers was bad enough. Being cursed before birth had been a relative shock. But listening to the ramblings of a stranger who was so determined to get on her good side, she wanted to spend years planning on an event that both client and demon disagreed on. And Audrey was pretty certain she could hear Alastor's disgusted laughter when… No, everything else was bad enough! But Blackfire bringing up the stuff that followed marriage?
"WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?" Audrey's scream was loud enough to successfully shatter the throne room's window. Seeing as she hit a nerve, Blackfire had her servants leave, taking the presentation and stick with them. Audrey took some deep breaths, not wanting the Queen of Mean to come out and destroy the castle. "Look, Queen Blackfire. I appreciate the hospitality you've displayed since I first came to Villainapolis and it's… interesting how you try to be… helpfully involved," Audrey tried to sound as patient as possible, "but the fact is that the Radio Demon and I are strictly prioritizing the contract fulfillment. None of us are interested in proceeding with the arrangement that Penna De Mort went for. Associates? Maybe. But arranged marriage? Absolutely not."
"In fairness, Queen Blackfire, Audrey has a point," Iclyn tried to intervene. "They…"
"The queens are talking here." Blackfire kept herself calm, but the deadly cold tone she was using against Iclyn could have murdered someone.
"Caution, Your Highness." Iclyn got dangerously cold-toned as well. "I am in your daughter's gang and I respect her, but that level of respect isn't shared with you."
"It's a shame I can't just melt you off. People would think that you and your mother would be weakened by fire, but obviously not…"
"There's a reason she's Killer Frost and you're Blackfire. Her frost kills people and your fire only rivals the blackness of your heart…"
Audrey felt like slapping herself. How could she have forgotten that despite the attention and praises she had received lately, she was still surrounded by villains? Villainapolis was a thousand times more chaotic than Isle, the supervillains had daily access to advantages and luxuries the Isle villains had been denied, and despite acting like cussing sophisticates, the Villainapolis denizens would still try to murder one another. The fact that Blackfire and Iclyn were threatening each other said something.
"All Iclyn was saying is that we appreciate the help you're trying to provide!" Audrey stood between them. "I mean, between independent women, we're all very open to our thoughts! Anyway, thank you very much but Alastor and I aren't interested in going beyond the professional level."
It was a strange moment of 30 seconds. Blackfire's calm behavior made it seem like Audrey's words got into her head. Then the alien queen's calm expression turned into an amused one that started laughing her maniac heart out to the point where she had to bend down and hold her stomach as she laughed uncontrollably and somehow, Charles was more focused on cuddling himself in a blanket than responding.
"Wow." Iclyn was shocked. "I haven't seen her laugh since her sister actually tried to invite Blackfire and Noir for a Tamaran coming-of-age ceremony."
"It was that bad?" Audrey frowned.
"No, Blackfire was laughing while fighting her sister and destroying a whole borough in New Heroes."
"Right." Audrey kept frowning at Blackfire as the latter stopped laughing and regained her composure. "I don't see what's hilarious. You think it's funny that I don't want to be saddled with someone I have to work out a problem with?"
"Of course not!" Blackfire laughed. "I just find it humorous that you'd even consider your demon's opinions! Not that they really matter."
Audrey's frowned worsened. Blackfire didn't think that Alastor's opinions mattered? "Why wouldn't they?" Audrey questioned.
"Because A, you're the client and he's not, so you're in control." Blackfire held up her purple nail polished fingers. "B, you summoned him and not the other way around, so he's obliged to listen to you. And C, knowing the unbreakable paperwork Lady De Mort uses, even an Overlord like himself can't destroy an unbreakable curse. So yes, regardless if he wants to or not, he's bound to you. If it works out, mazel tov for both of you, and if not, who cares? You're the one wearing the pants anyway."
Now Audrey really didn't like where this was going.
"What kind of hypocritical, misandrist shit is this?" Iclyn exclaimed. "You think an almighty demon who can kill two hundred of souls in one day only has value as a boy toy to a human queen? What is this, 20th century radicalization?"
Is that what was happening? Audrey didn't know if she should be confused or disgustingly shove Blackfire out the door. A boy toy to a human queen? For some reason, Blackfire almost seemed like the reverse of Queen Leah. Queen Leah had enforced the belief that Audrey HAD to become Auradon's next queen, but the topic of Ben's feelings was never brought up; Blackfire, on the other hand, fully encouraged Audrey becoming her own queen but seemed to see the latter's 'arrangement' to Alastor as nothing more than a network ticket. And Blackfire didn't think the demon's opinions were relevant.
I would appreciate it if you'd let me cut off her spleen. Not only could Audrey hear Alastor hissing angrily, but she was certain that she could feel his anger boiling and tangling with her own.
I'll take care of it.
"Queen Blackfire, I… can see you have your own opinions on the matter, but I will have to openly disagree with them," Audrey tried to be patient, but the mixed angers within her really wished to throw a pillar at her.
"I understand…" Blackfire nodded solemnly. "Good thing I came prepared!" She eagerly snapped her fingers, and just like that, some Tamaran servants barged into the throne room with guitars, drums, keyboards, and anything needed for pop music. The room suddenly darkened and a purple fire rose on a stage that appeared out of nowhere. Blackfire stood out in an out-of-this-word black and purple concert suit while the purple spotlight focused on her.
"Oh, no…" Audrey groaned.
"New Wave Pop musical intervention. Get ready." Iclyn grimaced.
Blackfire: The Queen's done pretending.
Some business needs attending!
Just as the music got more vibrant, Blackfire dragged Audrey to the stage.
Blackfire: The Queen of Mean took a stand.
She showed who's the real boss in the land!
Shouted sayanora to the Auradon babies
And work with the real evil hunkies!
She made the call, no given name,
And the demon came, it's all the same!
He kills for sport, souls in the fiery pit!
He's a maniac, but still sexy and ya know it!
It was easy to gain, to tricks or spells.
We're bound to hear wedding bells!
But Queenie here, like ten crazy hatters,
Says that his opinion matters?
Blackfire pulled Audrey for a twirl while the music continued and psychedelic, though primarily purple, lights spun around them.
Blackfire: I know I'm selfish and mean,
But trust me, little Queen,
Ya can't be a love-sappy teen.
But you're getting it all,
Your personal devil; make him crawl!
You got the bad,
You asked for a devil on your shoulder,
You got the specialty!
Remember who is the queen!
Audrey pulled away from Blackfire. Pink spotlights were now focusing her while Iclyn got distracted by Charles' coughing.
Audrey: Lady, the situation's such a drag
And your attitude raises a red flag.
Business must go on, I know that,
But you confuse work with riffraff.
I rewrite my own destiny
And handle my way the animosity.
Remember I'm the Queen of Mean,
Not the Radio Demon's bride.
Your crazy dreams will wait until I have died.
Parademons and Paradooms flew in, catching Audrey as she did a stage dive and acting as her backup dancers while the psychedelic spinning lights came back with a pinker hue.
Audrey: You are selfish and mean,
And trust me, you old Queen,
I'm no love-blinded teen.
I'm the one getting it all,
But neither him or him will take the fall!
I don't have it bad,
I did ask for a devil on my shoulder,
Not the gold-digging royalty!
FYI, I am the queen!
Blackfire just smirked in amusement. The purple and pink lights went wild during the queen's musical clash… and Charles coughing got worse.
Blackfire: The kings had their fun
But the queens must take it to the sky.
Audrey: I'm sorry, ma'am,
But you just want to watch them cry.
Blackfire: Don't you want the power?
Audrey: I want the respect
But I don't like those who cower!
Blackfire: Have them all fear or love you!
You are royal now!
Audrey: Ha! If you only knew!
Blackfire: You are the sorceress!
An empress!
Audrey: It doesn't mean I'm heartless!
Sparks flew everywhere, both from purple flames and pink magic as the queens kept clashing while the subjects kept on with the new wave musical choreography.
Subjects: Queens get what they desire.
Queens get to rule the world.
Everyone sits back and learn
It's the Queen of Mean's turn!
Audrey and Blackfire: I'm selfish and mean, but a queen.
Blackfire: A one-woman show like they've never seen!
Audrey: But morals justify the means.
I'm not all that.
I'm my own ruler of the dark and the bad.
'Cause Alastor's on my shoulder
Where no angels used to be
And he still calls me his Queen of Mean!
Blackfire: A sight to be seen!
Everyone: Queens get what they desire!
"HEY!"
The music dramatically stopped. Instruments dropped, the Parademons and Paradooms stopped dancing, and the lights turned back on to normal in the throne room. Iclyn was holding Charles in her arms. His arms hugged on to his satchel while his lips were stained with blood. The stains got worse as he coughed.
"CHARLES!" Audrey ran up to them.
"The poor cutie!" Blackfire approached as well, a sympathetic expression on her.
"HE'S BEEN COUGHING DURING THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR MUSICAL TRASH-TALK!" Iclyn exclaimed. "WE GOT TO TAKE HIM TO DR. HAMA, ASAP!"
Somewhere else in Villainapolis
By the time Blackfire helped Audrey and Iclyn bring Charles to the doctor, Kory Lokisdottir was in her penthouse above her casino, tapping her left fingers in frustration on the glass wall while her right hand held a mug of mead. She was frustrated that her hedonistic plan was taking a downturn.
Framing the Queen of Mean by killing Carlos De Vil? Too easy. Ensuring that Audrey got separated from her friends? Yep. Tantalizing the young Auradonian to unleash her anger so that her endless clash with the demigoddess could destroy parts of Villainapolis and endanger villains? HIGHLY entertaining. Honestly, her next ideas would have gone off with a hitch if there wasn't the sudden public exposure of the demonic, unbreakable betrothal.
"Still pissed by what happened?" Macy Beth, the only mortal that Kory Lokisdottir bothered to properly respect, came in from the elevator. She tossed a bone at Carmine, Kory's monstrous pet wolf. The large canine ripped through the elephant-sized femur while the Scottish-accented ginger blonde jumped on the sofa and served herself a mug of mead. "Knowing you, the lassie won't be easy to snatch."
"Maces, I've been alive for way too long and it's a miracle that no one really knows the true methods of how I stay alive, breathing, and powerful." Kory liked her lips. "It's why you and I are friends. You are the only person who sees my real face and not one that you despise."
"And I lack interest in many things unless it's bloody murder," Macy said. "So yeah, your life-sucking succubus powers don't affect me. It's fun to watch the wee souls squirm at your touch, never leave, be your restricted pets… and their essences end up in barrels for your mead. As for the rest…" Macy grinned and glanced back at Carmine as the wolf crunched through the bone. "That princess' powers… Her essence..."
"Her beauty," Kory added.
"Feasting on her would make you eternal enough to permanently destroy that never-performed contract of yours." Macy chuckled. "It's hilarious irony. You spent decades avoiding paying your end of the deal with a contract to the most disturbing of demons. She wants nothing to do with her betrothal to the most savage of demons but she wants to go through with a contract that has yet to be performed."
"She'll die before she even performs a Demonic Contract Ceremony, let alone marry." Kory took a sip of mead. "I would have taken all the time in the world, but now we only got a limited time. The Sugar Pie is one of those once-a-generation tickets. If I don't drain her out, I'll have to play the long game just like with every other mortal idiot I've eaten. Problem is, with that contract and arrangement of hers..."
"I thought the Radio Demon was against that kind of stuff." Macy frowned.
"Isn't that the sick thing with fate, nature, and prophetic curses?" Kory sighed with a venomous tone that caused her grip on her mug to tighten. "People mistake destiny beforehand. A destiny can be manipulated to change courses whereas a fate is permanently determined beforehand. The Sugar Pie is deviating away from her Auradonian culture; that's destiny. But her and the Radio Demon?" She crushed her mug, staining her green tiled floor. "You're right. He's not into that kind of 'stuff', but even a strong bond with the Sugar Pie will be enough to take things downhill! Suppose if they did go past agreeing on their contract? Suppose if she goes through what I never did and kept her end? Suppose if she and that freak do get a bond stronger than a contract? If she even mates with him before I get my hands on her, we can say bye-bye to the short route!"
"Don't tell me…" Macy groaned. "Why does nature make the most insane levels of power more supernatural with purity?"
"How should I know? We got to think something fast!"
A ringing caused the girls to yelp. Carmine stepped out of the cushion and looked at the green wolf telephone ringing violently.
"Seriously, who uses the landline before 11?" Kory rolled her green eyes and went to answer the phone, her fingers affectionately stroking her wolf's fur. "Nine Realms Club, the demigoddess Kory Lokisdottir herself speaking…"
"ABOUT TIME!" Kory fell on her butt when bolts of electricity sprung out of the phone, nearly burning her ears. Carmine grabbed her by the furry collar of her halter top and dragged her a few steps back. Macy jumped up, a couple of daggers at hand. "WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR THE RING?"
"Oh, it's just you." Kory rolled her eyes. Despite her tone's sarcastic nature, she was relieved that it was that demon and not the one she was purposely avoiding her contract fulfillment. "I hate to break it to you, but that is not Ultron's phone number. The numbers are the same, but his ends with 2015. Mine ends with 2011."
"I'M AWARE, WITCH!" The demon on the other line finally calmed down. "Pay attention! I generally don't give a shit about the sort of things you semi-divine hybrids do upstairs, but I got a mandatory request for you. In exchange, you'll get a generous monetary donation for your casino AND a 24-hour security enforcement… for you to do what you want to do on that girl that kicked your ass on live TV."
Kory and Macy exchanged a malicious glance. "I'm interested," Kory said. "But what's in it for you?"
"30 seconds just after 6:30pm, a package will come to your facility with a particular weapon that can only be found in Hell's black markets. The moment you are done…" The electric sparks created miniature fireworks on the phone. "…with that girl, the second you are done with her, I want you to plunge the weapon into her skull!"
Kory and Macy looked in shock at each other. A mere few minutes ago, they had been talking about ruining the Auradonian's perspective of innocence, probably give her a fate worse than death that would probably have the Radio Demon disgustingly reject her. Now another demon was talking about killing the Auradonian only a few seconds after Kory's idea of feasting, and if the girls knew anything about 'particular weapons that can only be found in Hell's black market', it was that any mortal soul killed by it wouldn't reincarnate in Heaven or Hell. It was like a second death before the first one.
"Kill the Queen of Mean?" Kory asked quietly. "Not exactly in my usual agenda… But then again, everyone has their flexibility. I am curious though. Why murder her? I would have thought that you'd be laughing your head off because the Radio Demon was betrothed to a mortal." Kory winked at Macy's direction at the words 'head off', getting a snicker from the Scottish teenager.
"Because between her and me, only one of us can ensnare Alastor once and for all… It's not that I'm jealous, but… I DON'T LIKE OTHER PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS! SO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO AND KILL HER BEFORE I DECIDE TO CALL IN THE IMP ON BOTH OF YOU!" The moment the demon was done yelling and hung up, Kory's phone exploded, torching the black walls with red and blue flames. Kory was too stunned to react until Macy ran in with a fire hydrant and died out the flames with foam.
"Talk about a demon with a bad case of the green-eyed monster," Macy whistled. "And one with actual red eyes."
"Grab a chalkboard and help me plan!" Kory got up and dusted herself. "We got to find a weak spot to lure the Sugar Pie here before tomorrow night! And once I've feasted, you can do what you usually do best."
