It was subtle at first, a crush, she thought. Hell, she'd had enough crushes in the time they'd been married - it came with the territory. They talked about his new partner often. She asked him if he felt protected, if he saw any potential in the young detective. He thought they could work together well, but time would be the real judge of that. She couldn't resist teasing him about having the hot female partner every guy dreams of. She felt secure in her love for him. She knew it was just a crush, it would pass.

She didn't mind when he would come home and talk about Olivia. He was being open and honest, sharing his day with her. She was grateful. He wouldn't talk about their cases, but he wouldn't shy away from talking about her, and that was enough.

When she asked about Olivia and his whole body flinched, she noticed. He answered her question, told her Liv was "fine," but quickly moved onto something else. They had only been partners for about a year, it was just a crush, it would pass.

A few years in he stopped talking about work at all. They'd had their fair share of arguments, which almost always centered around the job. He had a responsibility to the squad, to the victims, to protect his family - he couldn't just walk away from that. They had fought about his hours, they had fought about him not wanting to bring the ugliness of his days home. They had fought about her.

Years passed and while things didn't get better, they didn't get dramatically worse. He wasn't home much, but when he was they weren't arguing anymore. Sure, that could be because they pretty much spoke exclusively about the kids and nothing else, but she'd take what she could get.

She heard him come home one night, late. She stared up at the ceiling from bed wondering why he even bothered tonight. When he was this late these days he usually slept at the precinct. At least, that's what he'd been telling her. She hadn't been able to convince herself to find out if that was true or not.

He pulled out the blankets and pillow and set himself upon the couch, landing on the cushions with a loud grunt and exasperated sigh. She was halfway down the stairs when she heard him talking, but paused when she realized he had no idea she was there.

Liv, please. I'm sorry. Please don't do this. Please pick up. I'm sorry.

Three steps from the bottom she sank down with her back against the wall. That thought from years ago came rushing back to her. Maybe it was more than just a crush.

Liv, I'm going to keep calling. Please pick up. I'm sorry.

It was almost second nature at this point for him to spew apologies. Caught a case and have to leave in the middle of the night? Sorry. Cragen called during the dance recital? Sorry. Interviewing a witness and won't be home until late, if at all? Sorry. She had heard that word leave his mouth more times than she could count, but she had never heard it sound like that. Like he meant it. Like it hurt him. Like he cared.

She heard the phone buzz once before he picked it up and spoke quietly.

Liv. Please… I'm sorry. I need you. I need us.

She thought back to when they got married - they were young, so young. He had always told her it was the right thing to do for the family. It's what they were supposed to do. Sure, they loved each other. But it was a young love, a love that's meant to come to an end. This truth had never clicked for her until that moment, sitting on the stairs in the early hours of the morning, listening to the words he whispered to his partner.

I can't do this without you. I need you.

She tried to remember a time in over twenty years where he spoke to her like that. Like he was on the brink of coming undone and she was the only thing in the world that could save him. Of course, she knew she would come up empty. She was his duty, his family was his responsibility - she was never something he couldn't live without.

I need to see you. I'm coming back. I love you.

She got up quietly and crept back up to the bedroom without him ever knowing she was there. She heard the door close and the car start and she knew then, it was always more than just a crush.