Chapter 17/ Reading My Journal

Thursday, December 27

Dear Journal,

I had started to tell Daisuke about the curse. I was hesitant, but I thought it best if he knew. Unfortunately, I was interrupted and now he believes that I'm simply moving away or something of the sort.

That idea, in a way, is now true. The interruption that I mentioned was a phone call from my father. His voice was filled with a fake kindness that I now know holds malice. You could almost hear the laughter in his voice as he threatened me for perhaps the millionth time. Last night, he told me that if I permitted Dark to get away once more, he would take me off the case. At that very same moment, Daisuke and I were discussing how we'd get the Twin Snake without being detected. There was already a message on the machine when I got back from the museum. It seems my father has followed through with his threat and I am to no longer be seen at the museums when Dark is scheduled to appear.

I have yet to tell Daisuke this. He has enough on his mind without it. I think his depression about Dark has gotten worse. He says that he hears Dark's voice. And at those times, his crimson eyes are so agonizingly desperate that I pity him for being so hopeful. Dark wasn't a curse to him; he was his best friend, almost an older brother figure. Their relationship was unlike any that I had ever experienced. If I were rid of Krad, I'd celebrate. But, if I lost someone I loved… like Daisuke… I can't blame him for being lonely and upset…

And if that weren't enough, what will he do once I die? Does he care as much for me as he did for Dark? Will he be as painfully lost? Or even more so? I hope not. I hope that he can just move on.

How long must we suffer like this?

How long do I have until I die? A day? A week? A month? How many days must I ache like this due to something so bittersweet as love? How many hours and minutes must I hold back my longing to be with him so that I may keep Krad at bay? And, when I pass… how many tears must Daisuke cry?

The funny thing is, he's the only one that will care. Krad whispers sweet lies in my ear that he loves me, only to torture me that night. My 'father' couldn't care less. I think my passing would actually relieve him in a sense, for I always thought that I was a burden to him. And then there's my grandmother…

Ayumi never knew me; she never had the chance. I was merely two years old when she fled. She may shed a few fruitless tears when my death comes, but only because of the fact that I'm gone… Not because she misses me.

And my cousins… I hate calling them that. If I had a choice, I wouldn't let them come near me for the rest of my life, and after it. If they feel any kind of remorse, I swear, I'll hate them even more. Also, if they take my death as a chance to get Daisuke… I can't even imagine what I will do, even in the afterlife…

-Satoshi

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As I signed off and closed the laptop, I let my mind wander. 'What would people think if they read my journals?' But I refuse to allow anyone to read them anyways.

I was taken from my thoughts by a knock on my door. Only one person would bother to come to my apartment, and that was Daisuke. So I slid the laptop under the couch where it was out of view, and answered his request to enter.

There stood Daisuke and, surprisingly, his mother. The woman was glancing around at her surroundings as if judging the place, hands clasped behind her back. My other was waiting anxiously, holding a long, thin box and smiling with anticipation.

"Hello, Satoshi!"

"Hello. Come in," I said, gesturing them inside.

"Well, I'm not staying," put in Emiko. "I just came to drop of Daisuke. I'm sure he'll be safe now that he's here with you. And Satoshi? Don't be afraid to stop by anytime, ok?" I nodded in response. With that, she strangled her son with a hug, and waved good-bye as she descended the stairs.

The blushing boy entered quickly and I closed the door gently behind him. "What is that?" I asked, motioning to the box that he carried.

"Scrabble!" he smiled.

"Nani?"

"It's a board game. Dark called it a bored game because it's all about words, but I think you'll enjoy it," he explained as he sat at my coffee table and began to unload its contents.

I looked at it for a few seconds and then asked, "How do you play?"

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"'Ragnorak?' You're kidding, right? What does that even mean?"

"It's from a Norse Myth. It's said to be the destruction of the world in the last great conflict between the gods and the forces of evil."

He half gaped, half blinked at me for a few seconds, and then counted the word's score quietly. "Twenty-two points! I thought you said that you had never played before," he said with questioning eyes.

I shrugged slightly. "I haven't," I reassured as I drew my replacement tiles. I suppose it was a bit upsetting to see that after his grand, three-pointer word 'sat.'

Daisuke sat back against the couch sighing. "Satoshi?"

"Hn?"

"Can I ask you something?"

I blinked. A question? Why couldn't he simply ask? "What would you like to know?"

He stared at my ceiling thoughtfully as he tried to form the question correctly, as if there would be writing up there to spell it out for him. "What was it like in the orphanage? I mean, can you even remember much of it? You were only two-years-old at the time, weren't you?" I remained silent, surprised at his sudden interest of my past and the mention of the orphanage. When I didn't answer immediately, he continued. "Did you make any friends? Anyone at all? Can you remember their names, or what they look like? Do you still know them? And what about Krad? Was he within you then?"

Daisuke paused once again in his game of twenty questions, waiting for an answer as he curious eyes bore into my own. I held his gaze and replied, "Yes, I was only two, but I remember. It was a decent place, but I was too young to understand why I was there. And because of that, I was shy and did not make any friends, except one. We met right before I left the orphanage, and I instantly bonded with him. We're still friends, if you want to call it that." Daisuke was about to press on in the area, but I cut him off. That was a secret I didn't feel like telling yet. "And yes, Krad was within me. He always spoke to me, mostly about Dark. Although, he never tried to come out until I was fourteen."

Daisuke fingered his tiles distractedly as he thought. "You told me on Christmas that you don't remember anything from before the orphanage. So did you even know that you had a Grandmother Ayumi?"

"I did, only because Krad enjoyed telling me all of the people who had left me there. I think he said those things so I would grow closer to him and I would allow him to come out willingly."

"Do you count your time there as your childhood?"

"I didn't really have a childhood. Once I was adopted, my father immediately got me a tutor who never left my side. But he was only around so much because he always found something to correct about my behavior. Plus, my father was continuously working and didn't have the time to raise me properly. So, yes, I suppose you could call my time at the orphanage my childhood, because after that, it was all about my studies."

"Is that why you were always so serious?"

"Yes and no. My tutor's discipline had that affect, but I also became this way due to my attempts to keep Krad from breaking through." Daisuke quieted again in thought. Then I started, "Now, it's my turn to ask you a question. Why the sudden interest in my past?"

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Sunday, December 30

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow is New Years Eve, which also means it's the day of Takeshi's party. And for once, I get to go. I used to be so wrapped up in work with planning this and studying that and scheming traps in the most unexpected ways possible, that I never was able to go to something social, especially not with people my own age. Sure, I've been to my father's elegant parties, but only because I was forced to. But lucky for me, I haven't had a single case yet.

And then there's the Daisuke factor. I can only suppose that he was disappointed when I refused to stay at his house, for he's been over here with me everyday. He's spending the night tonight, but right now he's in the kitchen making dinner… again. It's as if he lives here… Lives with me…

It's a wonderful experience, to always have someone there. It's been a week since he ran away from me, and since then, he's rarely left my side. It's never dull around here anymore. He's always talking, laughing, and smiling. Everyday he teaches me new games and we play until he tires of it. Not to mention that there's always something to talk about.

He tells me of Wiz's crush on the rabbit in the pet shop window, how To-To baked five pies and four of them burnt, and how his grandfather hasn't said a word since he returned late on Christmas night. And he loves to play twenty questions. On Thursday, he had asked me all about my past, but he hasn't mentioned it since. He wonders about this and that and how the flame on the stove ignites and how a wheel axel works. I've never seen him so curious and inquisitive. He never ran out of questions, and I answered him as simply and truthfully as I could.

But most importantly, we got along extremely well. He agreed with me on nearly everything. And when he didn't or wanted something, he would be stubborn and I'd give in quickly and easily enough.

All in all, Daisuke has really brightened up my life. I mean that in a literal sense, as well. He insists that after tomorrow, we will be painting my apartment.

It really does seem like he lives here…

Satoshi

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AN/ (slowly peeks out from behind a pile of books) … Um, hello again… (gets hit in the head with a shoe) Agh! Sorry! Don't kill me yet! I still need to right the ending, remember? (….. silence…..) …Okay…

I'm sorry that everything's been so late, but I've been terribly busy with school and homework up to my ears. Also, family came to visit from out of state, I've caught a terrible cold and can no longer talk, and I'm working on a new fic called 'Tricking the System' for Gundam Wing. For those of you who've asked me to write another D/S fic, I have many rough drafts, but none that have made it very far.

And a special thank you to Irish Kaoru who actually trusted me to do what's right, no matter how that means my story ends! I adore you for believing in me. Merci!

-Chiba Lae