Beta: Frannie
Prereaders: Jill, Pearly, and Ariel
My heart: Full if love for my readers and reviewers.
"Holy shit, Edward, there's a girl."
Wait, what?
I can count the number of times I've heard my mother curse on one hand.
Once when I got suspended from school for fighting the kid that kissed my crush.
"What the fuck were you thinking?"
Once when Rose came home pregnant a couple months after her junior prom.
"Goddamnit, Rosalie."
And once when Dad backed his midlife-crisis Corvette into Mom's Begonia bush.
"Fucking hell, Carl, this is why we can't have nice things!"
All three times were obviously the results of anger and exasperation, but neither was the case right now. No, now she looked absolutely giddy and it kind of made me want to punch something.
Not her, of course, but something.
For as much as my family has harassed me about my love life, they've never actually accused me of having one I was hiding from them.
"There's no girl, Ma," I jerk my head from her hands, throwing myself down on the couch and messing up her freshly fluffed pillows. It may have been a little intentional.
"There's a girl. Aro told me all about her," Dad offers, earning a smack in the chest from Mom.
"And you didn't tell me? How dare you. Do our vows mean nothing to you?" She quips sarcastically.
I throw my head back on the couch, raking my hands through my hair. It's quite a bit longer than I keep it; I'm surprised she hasn't said anything. Apparently, she's too sidetracked by this new 'girl' I apparently have.
"Jesus fucking Christ, there's no girl!" I'm careful not to raise my voice. Dad would have my ass if I yelled at either of them, and I don't particularly have a death wish today.
"Well, tell me about her." Mom's completely ignoring me, looking right at Dad since seemingly he's a more trustworthy source in my life than I am.
"She's a new case. Aro said he's been on her non-stop and followed her on her date."
I swear to God, they sound like gossiping housewives. Except the subject of their gossiping is sitting in the room.
"Fuck me," I grumble, earning a smack on the back of my head.
"Edward Anthony, watch your mouth. You are not too old for me to clean it out with soap."
"Yeah, 'cause that worked really well last time."
Mom tried washing my mouth out with soap exactly one time after I called my cousin an asshole. In my defense, he was being one, and I was eight and thought I was big and bad. One drop of Dawn dish soap wiped on my tongue, and I projectile vomited everywhere.
"Anyway," I stress. "I've been on her a little more than the others because whoever had her case before me sucked. I had to catch up. And she had a date with a major creep I suspect is drugging women to sleep with them, so someone needed to be there to stop him from trying anything."
"Ah, a knight in shining armor, how romantic," Mom sighs, sinking into the couch next to me.
"It's my job." My teeth are clenched, and I'm studiously looking anywhere but at my mother.
"Let me go grab us some beers, and you can tell us all about Eliza," Dad offers.
"Isabella," I correct.
"Oh, he really is in love!" I swear Mom is swooning.
I have a kidney up for grabs, free to anyone who can get me the fuck out of this house.
Fun Fact: The incident with the soap? Yeah, thats a true story from my childhood. and mu cousin really WAS being an asshole.
