I poked my head back into the office area for a moment.
"Havoc, may I use your telephone for a minute?" I asked.
"Sure thing," the Second Lieutenant answered brightly. He joined me in the hallway and lead me down to the telephone, and I dialled operator as he left.
"Operator," drawled the bored voice of the girl on duty.
"I need you to connect to Aiko Chino's morgue, please," I said.
"Hold, please…"
"Hello?" came Chino's voice from the other line.
"Yo, it's Genya!" I piped, "And man, have I got a case for you!"
Chino glommed onto this like a cow on a salt lick. "How many bodies!" she demanded immediately. "Time of death! Cause of death! Scenario! Murder weapons! Suspects! Gun shot residue!"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down for a sec, there's only one, for now."
"All right then, I guess it's better than none." The coroner sounded slightly disappointed. "What are the victim's injuries?" she inquired with a little less enthusiasm.
"One gunshot wound to the chest, one slash across the windpipe. Victim is young, white male, in his twenties, brown hair, brown eyes."
"Yay, two wounds! I'll take this case! Send the body down to me; it should arrive by nightfall."
"Excellent. Hey, guess what I just learned!"
"The Lieutenant grew?"
Just as a quick side note, Chino and Killan are complete and utter arch-enemies. You put them within forty feet of one another and you might as well seal off the area, 'cuz you've just created your own crime scene. There was this one time where Chino took a swing at him, and the next thing you knew there was this freaky big pile of rubble instead of a street and the two them were laid out flat, Killan spitting out a couple of teeth and Chino nursing a broken nose. I didn't speak to either of them for a month and a half after that.
Anyways, to return to reality…
"Nope. It's even more unexpected. You'll never get it in a million years…" I smirked, imagining how the coroner's mind was clicking away up in the mountains.
"Uhh…he's come out of the closet?"
"Nope. He's getting married!"
I could hear her sharp gasp of surprise. "WHAT? I'M GONNA KILL HIM!" Chino barked, and I held the phone at arm's length so as to preserve my eardrums. She hates it when he's happier than her.
"Why, are you jealous?" I said teasingly.
"NO. You know that I hate anything with a beating heart. I just can't believe he didn't hook up with my friend, you know, the one I introduced him to?"
"What, the old lady?" I shuddered. "God, no one in their right minds would happily date THAT old crone. What was she, ninety-seven? And besides, he and Yukutsu had been dating for, like, EVER when you got it into your twisted little mind that he was single. It's weird, having Killan in love. He gets all…sparkly…when he's thinking of her. And all spaced-out. Sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall." It was kind of sweet, really.
"Put him on the line. I'd like to have a word with him…" Chino trailed off into a low warning growl, and I swore that I heard her cracking her knuckles in the background.
"Okay, but if this turns into a massive shouting match, I'll be cutting you off. Now give me a minute to find him…"
"Find who?" said Killan, somehow materializing behind me. I jumped, and nearly dropped the phone. He caught it neatly, and brought it to his ear.
"Talk to me," he said, lighting another cigarette.
I later got the two of them to transcribe the whole conversation for me, so here it is below:
Killan: Talk to me.
Chino: tersely Hello, Lieutenant.
Killan: I'm happy to speak to you too. What's going on down in your vampiric lair, oh great Queen of the Damned?
Chino: growling Still being mistaken for a four-year-old? You know what? Why don't you and your compromised lung capacity go fu-
Killan: cutting in Was there something you needed? Like some type of life, perchance?
Chino: I hear you're getting hitched.
Killan: suspiciously Did Genya tell you?
Chino: Yep! Who's the poor bitch you're marr-
Killan: harshly Don't you EVER badmouth my Yukutsu, you-!
Chino: defensively Okay, okay, calm down, shorty. I don't recall ever seeing you with an engagement ring.
Killan: aggravated That's because I haven't bought them yet, you little Nosferatic corpselighter.
Chino: You shouldn't be calling me little, leprechaun-san.
Killan: Oh, you're crushing my soul. Now, is that all you wanted? I know of better, more constructive ways of wasting my time.
Chino: Just verifying Genya's statement. You and your blackened lungs can go enjoy another stick of death now. I myself need to go and check if hell is freezing over…
Killan: Have fun…
He hung up, and muttered "necrophiliac" under his breath.
"Well, this is Chino we're talking about here…" I said, shrugging. He shook his head.
"I'm telling you, she's the very incarnation of a bloodsucking fiend, "the evil that dare not speak its name"…"
I frowned. "I don't think that means what you think it means."
"Doesn't it mean "vampire"?"
"Uhh, no." I leaned down and explained it to him.
"Ohh," the Lieutenant said, raising his eyebrows. "Oh, well, either way works for Chino…"
I gave him The Look. "Now, didn't I tell you to go develop those photographs a minute ago?"
He shrugged, avoiding my eyes.
"You got lost, didn't you."
"Not lost, per se. I prefer the term "directionally challenged"."
"Yeah, and zombies prefer the term "living impaired". Now get on it, Lieutenant! I'm not paying you to stand there!"
"Actually, you're not the one who pays me, it's really-"
I gave him The Look Version 2.0.
"All right! All right! I'm going! God, you'd have thought I was sawing puppies in half or somethin'…"
He trotted off again, and I went off to arrange for the transportation of the soldier's body.
"What in the name of all things edible IS this crap?" I exclaimed, staring bug-eyed at the cafeteria tray.
Killan speared a mystery blob on the end of his fork and scrutinized it carefully. "It appears to be," he stated, getting a scientific air about him, "Cow testicles in vitreous humour, garnished with…shavings of charcoal."
"I think it's meatballs," I said simply.
Nearby, Second Lieutenant Havoc clapped a hand to his mouth and turned very green.
"This other stuff here I'm not so sure about, but I think it's supposed to be some sort of gland. And I wouldn't touch this atrocity in the corner here with a ten-foot ninja pole."
"I think that they're perogies and green beans," I said simply.
"I think I'll be eating out today," declared the Lieutenant, sliding the tray to one side carefully, as if one of the monstrosities on it was alive. He stood up and left.
"You know, I never did enjoy reproductive organs a la eyeball fluid avec charred tree much either," I told no one in particular, and got out of the cafeteria as quickly as I could.
For the next two hours, I really did nothing but pace the floor trying to do what I could with the case, or played poker with Havoc, Breda, and the red-haired girl, whose name turned out to be Sheska. Well, that's not entirely true. I spent forty-five minutes staring blankly at a wall, for a change of pace. There was not that much to work with concerning the crime, but one of the most obvious clues there was that the murderer or murderers were either blonde haired or black haired. Not much of a lead at all.
I sighed, and slapped down my cards. "Pair of fives an' a pair of kings."
"Three aces," said Sheska brightly, fixing her glasses with a mischevious glint in her eyes.
"Pair of deuces," muttered Havoc, tapping his fingers on the table.
"Four aces," said Breda, looking mildly confused, "but that can't be right…someone here is cheating."
"Seven aces? Oh, I know EXACTLY whose fault this is," I growled, flexing my fingers. "And when he gets back here…"
The door to the office area slammed open.
"Greetings and salutations!" said Killan brightly, bowing deeply. "I return!"
"Yo, Killan. What's got you so…sparkly…all of a sudden, huh?" I swore that he was practically glowing.
"I'm not entirely sure. But what I DO know is that…" He struck a dramatic pose for a moment, and then launched himself into an incredible number of backflips and other acrobatics like a human firework. He landed on a desk, spun around, sending a drift of paperwork up in a lazy spiral, and swept his hair back with one hand.
"Are you feeling okay?" I asked, my eyes several times their normal size. " ," sang the Lieutenant. His singing voice was surprisingly deep, and actually was pretty damn good.
"My god, are you singing Rurouni Kenshin! Havoc, quick, where's the infirmary!" I demanded sharply, now completely unnerved. Killan shook his head at me, and rocked back and forth on his heels.
"Hold thy peace, young maid, for though I may speak akin to a man possessed, there is good reason for my madness. I bear upon my person the rings with which my beloved and I shall be united!"
Havoc raised an eyebrow. "You bought handcuffs?"
Killan looked at him as if he were an idiot. "No, you dullard, I bought engagement rings!"
"OH!" I said, blinking in shock. "Congratulations, Lieutenant!"
"Thank you kindly, miss." He bowed again, his eyes sparkling happily. "It took me a while to choose them. What's your take?" He bounded off the desk, landed neatly and displayed the rings for us.
"Wow."
Simple and elegant. Killan had chosen a pair of golden rings with glittering amethysts set into them, the stones so dark they were nearly black.
"Damn," said Breda approvingly, "you could practically see those rocks from space!"
Killan flushed proudly. "I hope she likes them…"
"So, when are going to pop the question?" I asked.
"When we get back from this case," he replied brightly, tucking the rings away again. "It'll be her birthday in about two weeks, so I'll be proposing then."
Havoc looked a little dejected. "I wish I had a girlfriend," he muttered, and sighed.
I poked him in the ribs, and he cheered up considerably.
"Oh yes, and here are those photographs you wanted me to develop," said the Lieutenant, handing me a folder. I thanked him, and quickly flipped through them.
"Ah, I'll go over these later. Thanks again, lover boy."
"Your wish is my command," he laughed, bowing.
"Well then, genie, I wish for a cup of coffee."
Killan saluted stiffly. "So it is written, so it is done." He bounded off happily, bursting back into his rendition of Rurouni Kenshin.
Breda shook his head admiringly. "What a guy."
"You should see him when he's actually with her. It's really quite something."
"Lemme guess," said Havoc with a note of disdain, "big dewy eyes, holding hands, fluttery eyelashes, bouquets of pink flowers."
"Eww, no." I curled my lip in disgust. "I figure that if the Lieutenant ever actually touched a pink flower that he'd melt on contact. No, it's more like the devouring of each others' faces. Well, I'm exaggerating, but they really are in love."
Havoc placed a hand on his forehead and swooned. "Oh, how romantic!" he chirped, fluttering his eyelashes, then gagged.
"Art thou envious, Second Lieutenant?" Killan asked, reappearing with coffee in hand.
The blonde man pointedly avoided the Lieutenant's gaze.
"No. Of course not."
I took a sip of the coffee, and promptly choked on it. "My god! What the hell IS this stuff?"
"Nuclear coffee, Lieutenant Hawkeye-style," said Breda, patting me on the back.
"Holy shit, it really does taste like paint thinner! Is this Lieutenant of which you speak some sort of robotic android woman?"
"Wait, you mean that there are other Lieutenants in existence?" asked Killan incredulously. "I thought I was the only one to suffer!"
You see, up in the mountain headquarters, the Lieutenant really is THE Lieutenant. Due to our small size, there's one of him and three other Colonels, and because of the lack of other subordinates he's the one who ends up being our lackey. The rest of the higher-ups excluding me-I want to LIVE! fondly refer to him as "our very own surly leprechaun". Behind his back, of course.
After the Lieutenant's revelation, the rest of the day passed pretty much uneventfully, until about five in the evening.
"Colonel Genya, you have a phone call," said Havoc, pointing to the phone. "Some crazy lady who says that she wants to, err…" He put the phone back to his ear. "What was that again? Uh huh…yeah…" He covered the mouthpiece. "She says that she wants to "rips your lungs out and use them as water balloons". Should I hang up?"
"That sounds like Chino. I'll take it. Thanks, Havoc….Hello?"
There was a brief, ominous, terribly pregnant pause. "Hello, Genya," hissed the voice on the other line. Chino was pissed. Very, VERY pissed.
