Jane found herself at a loose end - Maura was out, Angela was out, even Frost and Frankie were out somewhere, and she was home alone on a Friday night. She could call a friend - but what friends did she have, with the hours she worked? There was nothing on the tv, so she pulled out an old VCR of one of her favourite games. The static soothed her - she'd had to send away for the video by mail, and it had taken six weeks to arrive, and when it did her brothers opened it and watched it before she even could. Ugh.
There it was - that moment - the tape worn thin from replays. Maura had attended a Sox game back at BCU with her roommate once, and here she was in the stands, looking uncomfortable. Jane paused the tape, the way she had the first time, seventeen years ago. She'd written to the company that made the tapes for a new one, but they'd folded, and she spent hours trawling on ebay looking for a copy she hadn't worn down so she could copy it onto a hard drive or a DVD or something that wouldn't age.
She felt exactly the same way she did when she first saw her. Shellstruck. Starshocked. Shaken.
She'd known women were beautiful before - everyone knew men were handsome and women were beautiful. But Maura was beautiful
. And to eighteen year old Jane, fresh in the academy, Maura was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen, and suddenly she'd understood why people found women attractive.
It was only when she knew she would be completely alone that she pulled out this tape. Only when she knew no one would walk in. She didn't know if Maura even knew about this moment caught on tape, and Jane didn't know why it was still so important to her. She knew Maura now, they were friends. She saw her every single day. She had other videos of her, videos of them together at crime scenes, at The Dirty Robber, at Rizzoli family nights, Maura tucked in beside Jane, Maura laughing as Jane cheated off her brothers and gave the spoils to Maura. Maybe it was because of the look on Maura's face - as though she was puzzled and isolated by not understanding the game. Maybe it was the loneliness about her that called out to something in Jane. But Jane had snuck into the family room at night to rewatch this part of the game in the middle of the night, always pausing on Maura's face. She'd yawned through classes the next day every time, and every time the instructor tried to pick on her. And every time she proved herself, more than proved herself. She was strong and powerful and awestruck by a moment a stranger had experienced.
The door opened, and Jane panicked, hitting play.
"Oh, you are home. I brought dinner," Maura said, heading for the kitchen. "What are you watching? I didn't know there was a game tonight."
"Uh, it's an old one." Jane said, hitting stop.
'Oh, don't let me stop you. Which game is it?"
"Sox at Fenway, '95."
"I saw them there that year. Do you mind if I watch it with you?" Maura asked, sensing something off about Jane as she brought over the unpackaged takeaway.
"Sure," Jane shrugged, heart beating fast. It was only a moment; Maura probably wouldn't notice. She almost never paid enough attention to the games Jane wanted her to watch. Jane watched as Maura rewound the tape to the start, hitting play.
"This is the one I went to!" Maura said, excited. "I was on the... East side stands, row 60. I wonder if I could see myself in the background?"
"It's a very old tape," Jane said, digging into dinner, vowing to distract Maura at the crucial moment.
But Maura was savvy to Jane's ways, and this time it was Maura who paused it.
"There I am. God, I look so young. What's all this static?"
"I dunno, ask my brothers," Jane said defensively.
"It's your tape," Maura said reasonably. "That you were watching on a Friday night, alone."
"Maybe..."
"How did you even get this?" Maura asked, looking at the VHS box. "They only printed them the year of the series."
"I sent for it. In '95."
"But you didn't even know me, how did it get this worn?"
"I uh..." Jane swallowed and went to the kitchen, got two beers for the rest of the conversation. "It made me feel some type of way. Like... like I knew you. I didn't recognise you when we met, but I did later, when I was recovering from..." Jane looked down at her hands. "I watched a lot of tv. When I watched this, I realised it was you. I used to, you know, wonder who you were, if we'd ever meet. I'd impress you with my baseball skills and you'd look at me... you'd look at me like that," Jane pointed at the screen, uncapping her beer and swigging it. Maura took the second beer Jane uncapped from her and sipped at it, looking at the screen.
"I remember that moment. I remember thinking that my roommate was just being kind in taking out the weird social outcast, and that I didn't understand baseball but I was too worried to ask what was going on. And then I looked over at the hotdog cart and - I don't know, I thought of it as a carnival, as though it was a cultural experience I was getting to witness, and it made me feel a lot better. That must have been this moment."
"I was trying to figure you out, I think. If I understood you, I could understand anyone. I never got that out of it, though."
"Are you still trying to understand me?" Maura asked, looking away from the screen to look at Jane, who was picking at the label of her beer.
"No, I think I understand you. And you're not - you're not her. Who you used to be. You're more confident. You know who you are and what you want."
Maura looked back at the screen with a sigh. Jane was right. She'd been lost and rudderless, back then, only her studies to keep her grounded.
"You don't mind, do you?" Jane asked, almost shyly.
"Why would I mind? It was a good game, the Sox won."
"You don't mind that I... I had this stupid picture of you in my head when I was a kid? That I sometimes rewatch it? I like who you are now, but back then, it made me feel like... like I could... that we would... that if we met, we would be friends. I don't know how much of that I felt at the time, now, and how much of it is since I did meet you, and we are friends. But sometimes I like to rewatch it and think about what it would have been like if I'd met you back then. If you'd have even liked me - if I'd have even liked you."
"I can't tell you that," Maura said carefully. "But I do very much like the you you are now. and I would have - I've seen your academy photos, and your graduation video - I'd have been intimidated by you. You were so self-assured and confident, and you still are. I've grown into it, so at the time I would have been... I don't know. Not scared of you, but I would have found you fascinating. I still do find you fascinating. Complex and strong and gorgeous."
"Gorgeous?" Jane asked, blushing.
"If I had met you, back then, I think I would have had a crush on you," Maura said, looking over at Jane, taking a sip of her beer and turning back to her dinner, looking back at her frozen face on the screen. Jane was visibly nonplussed, fiddling with her silverware.
"You would have?"
Maura nodded, aware that her mouth was full.
"I thought I had one on you. Because of the tape. I used to sneak down to the rec room at night, just so no one would see me when I saw you. After a bad day, when I moved out on my own, I'd run it in the background, and I always made sure I was back in the room when you came on. I don't know why else it would mean so much to me." Jane was rubbing her hands again. "But I couldn't let myself... I couldn't admit it. You were just a stranger frozen in time, right up until you weren't. You were real, and looking at me that way, and more, and better, and coming home with me and if I had a crush on you then I had a crush on a real person, a real woman, and that would mean... and you didn't want that, and I didn't want that, so there was no point. I don't know why I haven't thrown it out. It's worn so thin in places, and I don't even have any other VHS tapes any more."
"I don't mind," Maura said placidly. "I don't mind that you have it and watch it and I don't mind if you have a crush on me. It would only make things fair, after all. And it was a good game. You should copy it to DVD or digitize it."
"The quality is too poor - I'd thought of that." Someone hit a dinger on the tape, and Jane smiled, watching the game.
"You really do love this game, don't you? It's not just that I was there."
"It's great - the tension, the crowds, the atmosphere, the lineup. They never played as well as they did that day."
Maura looked over at Jane again - for the first time they'd managed to discuss attraction to women without Jane getting weirdly defensive, and in specifics, like their former selves, and how they'd have possibly found each other attractive. Perhaps it was because Jane had been caught out, with no other explanation for the tape wearing at that point, no other explanation for keeping such outdated technology. Maura had always wondered why Jane had a VHS player attached to her TV, and now she knew.
"You've always made it clear to me that you'd find me being attracted to you extremely inconvenient," Maura said, watching Jane choke on her noodles.
"What?"
"You're not openly homophobic, and you were very good as an undercover lesbian. And you saved my bacon with Giovanni, taking the cue when I called you 'babe'. But when you asked if I wanted to sleep with you, you looked horrified. Like the very idea of it was revolting. Like you thought I was revolting." Maura dug her chopsticks into her bowl, looking for a peanut, not looking up at Jane.
"How could - you're not revolting. Nothing about you is revolting. It's - I think it's the idea, that I might, that..." Jane rubbed at her hands again. "If you slept with women it would be fine. It'd be cute and sexy and experimental. If I did, it would be a sin, and I would be condemned and even the idea that I could possibly find women attractive would be revolting." Jane sighed. "But that's from when I was a kid, back when my family and my school and my community was all religious and the idea that I could be something that would want them to condemn me to death or hell, or both, simultaneously, and now I'm an adult and people don't think about it like that now, and it's legal and people wouldn't think I was gross for liking women - well, some still would, but it's Massachusetts, I'd be protected under law, but it's still..."
"You still feel all that pressure."
"I know your family was different, and you had different issues with them. But for me, growing up knowing that there was something I could do and my parents would abandon me - that was terrifying. So I just pushed it down, and when it comes up - when you bring it up, I get all..."
"Defensive," Maura supplied the word Jane had paused to look for.
"Scared," Jane said. "I get scared because I remember being a little kid and looking at this girl I really liked, and thinking that my parents were going to have me exorcised and excommunicated and put in a foster home and no one would ever love me."
"I love you," Maura said smoothly. "You're not getting rid of me that easily."
Jane chuckled, eyes back on the game, mouthing along with the announcer.
"Oh! You're not revolting," Jane said, remembering the hurt in Maura's voice as she'd said that. "Nothing about you is revolting, not even a little bit. It's just that we're close - you're my best friend. If you wanted to sleep with me, it'd change everything."
"How?"
"Huh?"
"How would it change everything?" Maura asked, watching Jane. "The last time you asked, I took your question to be time-dependent. I didn't want to sleep with you in Giovanni's car at a crime scene. But everything else you'd said was right - everything I found attractive about Giovanni, I find attractive about you too. But you're interesting. And maybe... maybe I do want to sleep with you." Maura looked away. "The fact that you were so resistant to do idea did make it much less desirable, but now that we're talking about it, if it was something you were open to, I would find myself very willing to sleep with you. If that was something you needed to know before you determined your own position on being with me."
Jane's face was pale, her eyes wide and panicked. She clearly hadn't expected this. But she didn't look revolted. She looked scared. She looked terrified. Maura thought back over the conversation. "And I don't think people will hate me for saying that, and I don't think I'll lose any worthwhile friends or family for feeling this way. I understand that things are different for you, and that you are much less sexually adventurous..."
"Okay," Jane said.
"Okay what?" Maura asked, not sure what Jane was okay with.
"Okay. You want to sleep with me. I'm probably attracted to you. What next?"
"We finish dinner," Maura said. "And then we unpack why you feel so bad about the possibility of being attracted to me. Is it because you think I don't want you objectifying me, because I'm fine with that. But if it's because you think you're going to hell then you might need to talk to someone else. A professional."
"Oh," Jane said, deflated. "I don't really believe in hell, you know. Or any of that. But I know my family does."
"You had premarital sex with Casey, did you feel guilty about that too?" Maura asked, looking curious.
"Well, not really." Jane screwed up her nose. "It's not so... poorly considered by the church."
"But aren't they - and I'm not an expert in Catholicism - aren't they just as bad as each other? Or are some actions more heavily penalised?"
"I guess... society accepts... but not... so the church knows if they take a hard stance on couples that have sex outside marriage, they lose their congregation pretty fast. But gay people are still open fodder, so they can still..."
"So they're just making it up as they go along?" Maura asked, and Jane paused, fork halfway to her mouth.
"Huh," Jane said.
"Have you even read the Testaments in their original form and language? The standard translation is heavily biased and prone to misinterpretation."
"Huh," Jane said again. "I hadn't..." She put down her fork and stared at Maura. "How do you do that? Use logic to dismantle my insecurities?"
"Because they're based on certain interpretations that were based on prejudices that shouldn't exist," Maura said firmly. She reached out and took Jane's hand. "Does this feel revolting to you?" Maura asked, looking concerned. Jane shook her head. "What about this?" Maura asked bringing Jane's knuckles to her lips, looking at Jane over their joined hands as she kissed each knuckle. Jane's eyes were wide and a little frightened, but she shook her head again. "And this?" Maura asked, dropping her lips to the scar on the back on Jane's hand, feeling Jane's sudden exhale brush across both of their hands.
"I told you, Maura. You're perfect."
"What about the distribution of adipose tissue across my upper torso?" It took Jane a moment to realise Maura was asking about her breasts.
"I like it," Jane said, trying not to look down, trying not to blush.
"And you know that I enjoy the way you like it? You don't feel bad about liking it?"
"Not if - not if you don't." Jane was bright red. Maura nodded.
"I think that's enough for one night," Maura said firmly. "I was planning on staying, but I think you need further work. I'm very proud of how far you've come, and that you've been honest with me, and I love you no matter who you choose to be with. At some point I hope it is me, but I understand that you have your own criteria for dating and I'm willing to wait until you sort out your own biases and prejudices from the church's." Maura got to her feet, and Jane panicked again, followed her to the counter, where Maura picked up her bag, and then trailed after her to the door.
"Wait," Jane said gently. "Please wait." Maura turned expectantly, surprised by the anxious tone of desperation in Jane's voice. A moment later she was pressed against Jane's closed front door by Jane's strong, wiry body, and she felt her breath catch, looking up at Jane, who looked the more confident the more bewildered Maura looked. "What if I said I wanted to get you naked and lick your face?" Jane asked, and Maura had heard those words before and they'd made her nauseous coming from Giovanni. Coming from Jane, it sounded appealing.
"It's not... it's not revolting," Maura said in surprise.
"Okay," Jane said again, moving as though she was going to move away, but Maura's hands sprung out of their own accord, gripping Jane and holding her close. She lifted her face, looking at Jane, her dark eyes still wide, but not with fear any more.
Jane leaned in and kissed Maura, first on one cheek, and then the other. Then, with a slow moment of hesitancy, she dropped her mouth to Maura's. She'd always thought Maura's mouth looked soft and delicious, and she'd been right. Maura's lips parted and pressed against Jane's, and she felt like a teenager again, learning about attraction and desire and how good kissing felt - because kissing had never, ever felt this good, Jane was sure of it. She'd enjoyed it, but Maura, kissing her softly and reverently, gentle and patient was on a whole other level. It felt like that moment, immortalised on an old VHS, where Jane had felt her heart stop for a moment. Maura, willing and a perfect fit in Jane's arms, where Jane had somehow gathered her, pulling her away from the door to hold her, was kissing her back, after seventeen years of not-quite fantasizing about it. Maura's hands were soft and wonderful against Jane's back, and Jane found Maura's hips with her own hands, knowing that as always, she had an all-access visa to Maura. Maura moaned when Jane's thumbs brushed the front of her hip bones, and Jane pulled away, gasping for air, her heartbeat loud in the quiet room. Maura leaned up and pressed one last kiss against Jane's mouth.
"See someone," Maura insisted. She kissed Jane again, looking as though she wanted nothing less than to pull away, yet she did, and this time Jane let her slip way into the night, leaning back against the door when she closed it behind Maura.
The rest of the weekend was uneventful. Maura appeared to have forgotten Friday night as they had brunch with Angela, walked Jo with Frankie and Frost, watched the latest game in the current series with Lydia and Tommy and TJ on Saturday night. It caused Jane a little anxiety, but she saw that Maura intended to ignore what had happened until Jane told her she was seeing some sort of mental health professional to deal with her internalised homophobia. It was almost a relief - Jane hadn't wanted anything to change, but knowing Maura knew, and knowing that Maura wasn't mad or angry or disappointed or revolted was more than she could have hoped for a few days ago.
On Monday night, there was a knock at the door. Maura held out a package, inviting herself in as Jane took it.
It was a new copy of the game Jane had worn out, as well as a DVD copy. They both looked official, and they were both signed by the surviving players of the team.
"How did you find this? I've been looking for years."
"I have contacts," Maura said mysteriously. "It seemed to mean a lot to you."
"Not as much as this," Jane said fervently, wondering how Maura had found it, what favours she'd had to call in. She threw her arms around Maura and bodily picked her up in her exuberance. "I can't believe you did this for me," Jane said in wonder.
"Like you said, it's a good game," Maura said, blushing at the attention. Jane leaned down and kissed her, softly and hesitantly, and Maura melted. Jane was never soft, but here she was, softening against Maura's lips, letting herself be vulnerable.
"I had an appointment," Jane said when she pulled away. "And she suggested immersion therapy."
"And what would that entail?" Maura asked, wiping some of her lipstick away from the corner of Jane's mouth, lingering with her fingers on Jane's soft lips.
"More of this," Jane said, taking Maura's hand. "And making sure I don't feel any guilt or anything about enjoying being with you."
"If you ever do feel guilty or uncomfortable, you need to let me know," Maura said seriously. "If you're not enjoying something, I don't want to inflict it on you."
"I love you, and I trust you. I know you don't think you're good at social cues, but I think you'll know if there's anything I'm not enjoying."
"So you're sure about this? Sure you want to pursue this with me?" Maura asked, looking suddenly shy and uncertain. Jane chuckled.
"I've been sure since I was eighteen," Jane said, and her voice was low. She kissed Maura again, then put the DVD in the machine. When she sat on the couch, Maura followed her, not surprised when Jane's arms wrapped around her to pull her tight against Jane's chest, not surprised when Jane planted a kiss in her hair. It would be a long road, with a lot of complicated conversations, but it was worth it if if led to this. Jane paused the game on Maura's face again. Jane had only been waiting half her life for this, but Maura had waited the entirety of her own for someone who made her feel the way Jane did.
"You're so much prettier now than you used to be," Jane said quietly. "I always thought she was beautiful, but you - you're gorgeous." Maura melted further into Jane's arms, looking at the face on the screen without the magnetic static. She'd been beautiful in a way she hadn't realised at the time, and Jane thought she was more beautiful that that now. Jane's arms tightened around her, and Maura sighed contentedly. "But most of it is because you've lost that uncertainty. You know who you are now, and you don't care if other people get it, or get you, or not. She was attractive, but you... you're the whole package." Jane hit play and they watched the rest of the game in high definition for the first time.
Notes:
Clearly going through some stuff. Hometown blues. Went to a wedding back through my hometown for someone from highschool, and it certainly was a trip.
