Ughh, this story just gets more and more depressing. I'm sorry if there isn't really anything happening in this chapter, it's mostly giving you Sakura's thoughts and feelings. I'm also sorry that I took so long to update, but I was writing and then I decided that the chapter I wrote shouldn't come until later on in the story. This chapter isn't that long since when I was writing one of the paragraphs, it just sounded like it should be the ending of this chapter.
THANK YOU to all of you who reviewed, it made me so happy people were ACTUALLY reading it! I'm sorry it was so short, I just wanted to give you a look at Sakura's life. I've been trying to decide what exactly should happen in this chapter, so I hope what I came up with is ok. If there are corrections or whatever feel free to let me know, since sometimes I'm tired when I'm proofreading my work.
Please Review, I like to hear constructive criticism so I can make my writing the best it can be!
Disclaimer: I do not own CCS, CLAMP does. The only thing I own is the plot of this story.
Chapter Two
Note: Here Tomoyo's parents are married and she has a little brother
Sometimes I just want to give up. To just lay in my bed and refuse to get up, to refuse to go on any longer. All the problems and difficulties that life throws at me, sometimes it's just too much for only one person to bear. But that's what life is isn't it? It's many problems and difficulties thrown at you to help you become a stronger person, to help shape you into a wise adult. Well, what makes me mad is those people that don't seem to have any difficulties. Those people who seem perfect and have nothing that goes wrong for them. But I have a friend like that, and no matter how much she means to me, I can never fully accept her. Sometimes I just want to scream at how perfect her life seems. Her parents are still married and her family is the role model family; a mom, dad, daughter, and son. Even though they sometimes playfully fight, they still totally and completely love one another. It's like they were created in a fairytale or something.
Tomoyo may be the only one who has actually accepted me, but I can't seem to get rid of that pang of jealousy I have towards her. Sometimes I just want to distance myself from her, I don't want to show her the dark side of my life, it's just something she wouldn't be able to understand. Someone with a life so perfect like hers can't possibly understand the pain I keep hidden. She doesn't have a separated family, she hasn't had to stand on her own ever since she was 8, she hasn't had to live in near poverty, she hasn't had to deal with ANY of the things that I had to. So, why does she want to get past that barrier I put up so badly, why does she want to understand me much? Why should she even care what has made me the way I am today? Why should I even bother telling her?
Sometimes we have discussions about this. We talk a lot, being the best friends that we are. She says she wants to understand me, and she wants me to be able to understand her. She wants me to make an effort at understanding her, and to put down the wall I created to keep the world out. But I can't tear down a wall I worked so hard to put up. If I take it down for even a couple minutes I might not be able to put it back up again, and even though Tomoyo wants me to keep it down, I can't. I can't let anymore sorrow come into my life, and I don't want anyone to be able to see the pain I had to endure. Nobody deserves to feel that pain.
When we are born into this world we don't have any cares, there is no happiness, but there is no sorrow. We are just blank slates, ready to be taught and to accept anything that comes our way. We have times when we are full of pure joy, and don't want the moment to end. But we also have times when we feel like we can't go on living and breathing. We all have those times, whether it's in the beginning of our lives our later on. But sometimes there are just so many hard times it makes a person close off their heart. Because if it's closed off then nothing can hurt them anymore, if they keep that wall up, then maybe there's just a tiny thread of hope. At least that's how it is for me. I don't want to be hurt by the world and I don't want to hurt anyone else. So, maybe if I just keep my heart closed up, nobody can be affected by the darkness that is there.
The world is fifty percent good and fifty percent bad. No humans are purely good, we all make mistakes. Even those people that seem to have been consumed completely by darkness have at least a tiny amount of good in them. But darkness can take over if you aren't careful. We all change, the world changes, nothing ever stays the same. At least that's how I see it, but I'm also a person who hates change, so that could be part of the reason I think that. People can't see why I hate change so much, they see change as a good thing. But, I don't show them the reason I hate change, because I know if I did they would just start an argument. Even though I'm good at arguments, and win most of the time, it's a waste of time since people are stubborn. People make a decision and usually stick to it no matter what other people say. Also, change is part of my past. Change is part of the darkness that is in my heart.
Do you want to know why I hate change? I hate change since it causes darkness. Like I said about being clean slates when we are born, we don't know darkness. It hasn't affected us, we haven't learned to lie or hurt others physically or with our actions and words. People change, they can go from being a person who you completely trust who would never do anything that wasn't right, to a person who has discovered everything wrong with the world. A person who sneaks out at night with their friends, who smokes and takes drugs, a person who does other things so bad you can't even talk about. Then this person learns to hurt others, and when you say something about their actions they deny it over and over. But maybe they realize what they're doing, maybe that's why they deny it repeatedly, maybe they are trying to tell themselves they aren't doing anything wrong. But after you put them in your past, into that file of memories you would just like to forget, they come back trying to cause hurt. Or when your father and brother just leave, not caring if they hurt you, those people that don't seem to have a conscience. Those are times that make me hate change.
Oh great, now I'm thinking about Touya and my dad. But I still can't believe they left. When they first left I was in a state of shock, I didn't notice sounds or people. I didn't talk, eat, sleep, or acknowledge others. People told me later on that I looked lost or something, and maybe that was it, but just in a different way then they thought. My thoughts had overcome me, I had simply become a shell. My life had been completely turned upside down and an emotion had overcome me, it was too strong of an emotion to even try to explain. It hurt, it hurt a lot. I thought they loved me, I thought they cared. My dad had always played with me when I was little, he would fly me like an airplane and swing me along. I know I would exasperate him sometimes, but don't all kids annoy their parents? But he started leaving more and more for supposed "business trips" yet my mom never suspected a thing. I didn't see him much, but when I did I was always really happy to see him, and I thought he felt the same. Touya may have teased me a lot, and was always really overprotective, but I still loved him. He was my brother, and no matter what happened he was always there for me. These people seemed to care, they seemed to love me, I don't know what happened.
Sometimes it hurts to see those other kids out with their dad or big brother. They go to ball games or to the batting cages. I'd love to go to a football game with my dad and cheer for our team, or out to the batting cages with Touya and have him show me how to swing the bat. I'd do anything to have them back again, while I hear other people complain. They complain that their dad is too strict or their older brother is too overprotective and mean, they think I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with anything like that. How can they be so ungrateful? How can they be so unloving? I'd do anything to just have them back for only a couple minutes, for my family to be back to normal again. But they changed, they changed like everything else in my life. So, sometimes I just go to a football game alone and wish that my life was different.
Sometimes I think it's just better to be lonely. If you're lonely then you don't have to put your trust in others. You won't be deceived or left for heartbreak. You don't have to put your trust in others only for you to have given it to the wrong person. You won't end up at the point of breaking like my mom. Because, even though I haven't said anything, I'm pretty sure she's thinking about it. I think that she's at the point where she wants to leave her pain and suffering, I think she wants to die. The other night I was looking in the cabinet for some vitamins and I saw it, a full bottle of eszopiclone. In other words, my mom has a full bottle of sleeping pills, and the prescription isn't to her. Maybe if she's gone my life will be better, I won't have to be reminded of how everything is my fault. I already know everything is my fault, but do I have to be reminded every single day? Tomoyo tells me not to believe my mom when she blames everything on me. Tomoyo said that it's normal for kids to put all blame on themselves, but that it's really an issue that was between my mom and dad. I still don't believe her, I think that my dad just couldn't stand me anymore.
I'll tell you what happened the day before my dad left the best I can, I don't remember it that well since I've tried to block it out of my mind. I had come home from school and I needed my math paper since I had left it in my dad's car when he took me to school. I looked around for him and finally found him, I asked him if it was still in the car or if he had brought it in. He told me that it was in his briefcase. He was in the middle of something, so I decided to get it for myself. I had to go through some papers before I finally found it. But there was a paper right underneath it that was pink. I had thought that was strange that my dad had a pink piece of paper. I started to read it, and found it was a love letter from another woman. I wasn't going to tell my mom since I didn't know if she would be able to take it if she found that dad was cheating on her, since she was so weak. I decided that I would confront him instead. I asked him how he could do it, how he could even think about betraying his family. He told me that everything has just become too much for him to bear, he wanted to leave, to get away from it. I told him to get lost and some other things that were definitely uncalled for. But I was mad, mad at him for neglecting his responsibilities. No matter how he looks at it, we, his family, are his responsibility. So, he left, he said that he couldn't stand being in that house with me for another minute. The next day he came back, I was so happy since I would be able to apologize. But things didn't work out that way, he came back to get his things and to give mom some divorce papers. That was the day I started hating change, the day I started hating everything, the day I started hating men. It was the day that my life as I knew it had ended.
Poll: Should I put Eriol into this story?
Let me know in a review, since I'm not sure if I should or not…
