Well, sorry if this chapter stinks but I wasn't really in the mood for writing. I don't know exactly how I get in the mood but all of a sudden the words just start flowing into my head. So, I sit in front of the computer and type them all out. Then the bits and pieces that I write I fit together creating one of my chapters. But lately I haven't really been in the mood... So this chapter lightens up a bit. At least when I read it I thought it wasn't as depressing. But my friends have all been bugging me to update. They are all like, "You're taking FOREVERRRR!" so I'm like "FINE, I WILL!" and that's what happens. Not like you really care in the first place, but whatever. If I'm being lazy and taking forever, I don't mind if you send an e-mail or message my way telling me to write more. I get lazy a lot of the time...hehe! Well, I was going to ask if there was anyone who wanted to be like an editor person or whatever you call them. Someone who would go over my grammar and spelling for whatever the spell check and I missed. Also someone I can e-mail pieces of new chapters and see what they think of them. Sometimes I need constructive criticism, and when I ask my friends they always just praise my work. Which isn't always that helpful, when you want constructive criticism. So, if there is anyone who is willing to take on the job let me know please.
By the way, in the upcoming chapters there will be some issues with Sakura and popularity. I'm sorry if you're popular and you don't like what I've written. But if you are upset with this, you don't have to keep reading. I'm also sorry to Tomoyo fans, but she's going to turn kinda rude since she becomes popular. I like Tomoyo myself, she's such a sweet character. But I felt that I needed her to change for the story to continue. If you want to know why I put in issues with the popular crowd feel free to ask me. I'll let you know by PM or e-mail.
Disclaimer: "Cardcaptor Sakura isn't my story, or is it?" she asks evilly. "No, it isn't," a random passerby replies. "FINE, be that way! You can't even let me have my dreams can you?" she cries to nobody in particular.
Well, she finally made a decision. She made a decision and committed her life to that decision. That decision she made, it was on her life, because she finally decided to end her suffering in this world. Her being my mother, her being the one who broke, becoming too weak physically and mentally to live. Her being the new one to abandon me.
"Sakura, you know you can cry. I won't hold it against you or anything you know." Tomoyo said to her friend.
"I won't cry about something as trivial as the death of someone. I won't make myself susceptible to something as low and weak as that." Sakura stated in a monotone voice.
"Sakura, crying over the death of someone important to you isn't weak. Actually, it's normal to do. I know there's something wrong. You're not usually someone who uses big words. Even though you may deny it, what you said isn't something you would normally say."
Sakura got mad at this remark; she didn't like it when people could see through her. She liked keeping up her stone-faced appearance. She didn't want to be hurt again. She felt that she had been weakening up if this...death actually hurt. It may have only hurt a little, but there was still some pain from it.
"Just leave me alone Tomoyo, I don't feel like dealing with your endless analyzing of me at the moment. Also, you don't have to remind me that I'm not normal. I already know that, you don't need to point it out!" Tomoyo walked away with a hurt look on her face.
Great now I made matters even worse. The only friend I had probably hates me now, gosh I seem to make a mess out of everything! Why can't I ever seem to do ANYTHING right? No wonder my mom didn't want to stay with me, I'm hopeless.
Flashback
Sakura, I know that you probably hate me, and I don't blame you after the way I've treated you. But now that I'm about to die I realized what I did had been wrong. I'll be eternally sorry and I understand if you don't forgive me. I'm dying because I can't stand to live in this world any longer. I can't stand to be here with so much pain surrounding me." Her mother was whispering to her, taking what would be the last few breaths that she would take.
Yeah right she's sorry. She was never sorry before, and she doesn't look sorry now. She probably just doesn't want me to hate her since she doesn't want to be judged for it after she dies. But her true hate for me is still in her heart and she knows it. She just wants to escape from everything, she's so weak. She can't even survive in the world; she can't even stand to live, even though others have gone through worse. She's WEAK.
"This is a letter that I wrote right around the time that your dad left me. I want you to have it now that I'm dying. I didn't give it to you before, but this seems like the right time to give it to you." Her mother handed her an envelope.
"I'm afraid that I don't have much longer, but please respect my letter. Respect it as my dying wishes, even if you hate me. Please do this for your mother here on her deathbed."
I just nodded not knowing what else to do. I mean even I wasn't heartless enough to not respect someone's dying wishes. So, I accepted the letter even though I didn't really want to.
Then as fast as she gave me the letter she was gone from this world. She went to another place that only us who are on Earth can dream about. That place that nobody is truly sure about.
End of Flashback
At this time I don't remember exactly what that letter had said. I was in too much shock to remember that sort of thing. Anger at my mother had caused me to burn it, so I can't exactly read it again.
I remember what she wanted me to do though. I remember what her death wish was, even now. I don't know why, but I promised myself I would honor it. I may not acknowledge it to others, and sometimes even myself. But deep in my heart it will be there, in the back of my mind it will remain. But for others, at this time they won't know. This isn't the time to reveal that secret in my life yet. For now I will just carry it with me, I'll just keep it as something only I know. I'll keep it deep down in my heart like all the other secrets in my life.
At School a few days later
"SAKURA, SAKURAAAAAAAAA!" Tomoyo was running as fast as she could towards me, screaming my name.
I guess she's not mad at me. I thought she would hate me after what I said to her. Maybe she's just going to act like nothing ever happened. Well, in that case I guess I'll go along with it too. I mean I do feel kinda bad about what I said to her...
Sakura Sweatdrops "Tomoyo, you don't have to run screaming my name. I saw you, especially with you running down the hall screaming like that. Well, what is it that you wanted to say so badly?"
"Uhhhhhhh, wait a minute. With all that running and screaming I forgot. Hmmmm..." Sakura falls over anime style
"Oh, YEAH! Now, I remember! I was coming to tell you about this huge football game we have, if our school can defeat the other team then our team goes to the nationals." Sakura rolled her eyes at this.
"You mean they have NATIONALS for elementary school football teams? Ok, that's just plain scary." Sakura replied to Tomoyo's announcement.
"Well, even so. Will you PLEASE come with me? PLLLLLEEEAAASSSEEEE? I want you to come since our cheer squad came up with some really special cheers, and this really cool dance that we're going to perform. I would love for you to be there and see me, it would help if I knew you were in the audience." Tomoyo added in her puppy dog eyes.
"Fine, fine I'll come. But you better not make a big deal out ofthis." Sakura sighed.
Little did Sakura know that this was all part of Tomoyo's plan for her to come and watch Syaoran, as he was part of the football team. Star of the football team to be exact. Tomoyo started to laugh evilly, "Ohhohohohohohoho!"
At the football game, Sakura is in the bleachers
I see her cheering the football players down there, and I wish I were her. I want to be her, to fit in with all the rest of them. To be accepted by them. I don't know why, cause I never seemed to care before. Ok, maybe I actually cared before. But, do I have to admit that to them? Do I have to admit that I want to fit in? That I don't really want to be the one who stands out? No matter if I spend time trying to stand out, I'll always want to fit in deep down.
I was once one of them; it felt good to see others looking at you wishing that they could be in your shoes. It feels good to fit in, to have everything in your life going right. But that was before the divorce, and this is now. I used to be at the top of everything, I used to be a leader. I used to be strong on the inside, not just a fake layer. Since that's really what I am, a fake layer. I pretend to be strong when I'm truly far from it. That's now what I've become.
The dance squad finished one of their cheers. Everyone is applauding; I even stand up and yell, "Go TOMOYO!", even though it's so unlike me. Yet, who am I even to say it's unlike me. How can I even say that if I don't even know who I truly am? I don't know what's in my heart, and I don't know what my true personality is. How you ask? How can I not know myself? Easy, it's hard to keep track of who you truly are when you lie so much, pretending to be something you're not.
I look at the other popular girls, who are only here to see the guys. I want to be part of their group; I want to be one of them. But don't we all, and yet there are only so many of them. Not everyone can be popular and the rest of us know it. I was part of that group once. But I was different than them, I was popular for a different reason. I was popular because people liked me for who I was. But back then, I was a different person. I didn't want to be one of them, I was just happy to be myself. Back then I had an identity, I knew who I was. I was certain about everything in my life and my heart. I had a pure heart, full of hope and joy. I had a pure heart, which had barely a thread of darkness in it. The total opposite of now, but that's because everything changed. That's just how life is. So, now when I scoot closer to them, they just look at me in disgust. Like I'm not even good enough to sit near them.
Why do they have to look at you like that? Like you are just a piece of trash on the floor, like you are nothing. Why do they have to act like they are so much better than everyone else? Why do they have to be that way, why do they have to care so much about how they look and other non-important things like that? Why? Why does my best friend have to be one of those people? Just because she's rich and pretty, they all flock around her. Yet, they glare at me since now I'm poor and I don't care about my appearance. Why should that matter, why should little things like that be so important? Yet, I probably don't have such a great personality either. I don't have much to offer others; maybe that's why I don't really have anyone left. Mom's gone, dad and Touya left, and so did all my friends. There's nobody left in this world who actually wants to be around me anymore. The only thing I can do is not get C's in school, yet I can't even get straight A's. I'm just a worthless and not good for anything at all.
But I have to live, because you see, that's what my mom wanted. That was her dying wish for me, that was the secret I've been keeping. She wanted me to have everything she never had. She wanted me to live my life the way she never was able to. She wanted me to be the person that she wasn't. But I can't live up to that expectation, it's too high, it's too hard. The only thing that I can do is live, I can live and stay strong like she wasn't able to do. That would've been her dying wish, since her true dying wish was for me to be everything she wasn't. That is the one thing that I can definitely do. I can stay strong and not let a man ruin me and I will live.
So, even when I feel like laying down and never getting up again, I don't give in. I get up with a fake smile every day and live my life. Even when my life gets worse and worse I don't give in. Even when I feel like breaking down, just like she did, I don't. I won't give into that temptation.
A chapter within a chapter. Tomoyo's Takes Action on Her Evil Plan
The Football Game Just Ended
"SAKURRRAAA, SAAAAKUUUURRAAAA!" Tomoyo shouted, spotting me in the bleachers.
"What?" I asked her.
"Well, I was going to ask you what you thought of our cheers and our dance. So, what did you think?" Tomoyo asked me excitedly.
"They were really cool, I liked them. They looked like they were really hard but fun to perform." I replied tonelessly.
"Oh my GOSH!" Tomoyo gasped.
"What!" I wondered what was causing her to act so strangely all of a sudden.
"Well, you know how I wanted you to come? Ok, before I tell you this...please don't kill me!" Tomoyo had her puppy dog look on again.
"Yeah, I remember you pleading with me before using those exact same puppy dog eyes. Why would I have a reason for me to kill you? WHAT did you DO TOMOYO!" I was very suspicious of what Tomoyo could have done that would make me so angry.
"Well...I kinda invited you here...to see...him." She pointed at Syaoran.
"You WHAT?" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Everyone started staring at me like I was a freak because of this great outburst. Everyone, but him. No, he just smiled when I screamed. Smiled like there was some sort of joke playing inside of his head. It made me mad, him looking at me like that. So, I turned away from him so he couldn't look at me like that anymore. HA!
After I turned by back to Syaoran he decided to walk up and say hi to Tomoyo and me. So, I jumped when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Tomoyo just smiled evilly when she saw that he had come up to greet us.
"What are YOU, doing here?" I asked him and gave him a glare.
He replied with that same smile on his face, "I'm one of the football players, so I think the question is what are YOU doing here?"
Ergghhhh, he makes me so MAD! I don't know why, even when he's not doing anything he makes me mad! Probably since he's a stupid guy, ughhhh they're all so ANNOYING!
"Well, I'M here because Tomoyo is a cheerleader and I came to watch her dance." I turned and started walking away.
Tomoyo and Syaoran just looked at each other after Sakura left. Tomoyo decided to take action once again, even though Sakura might hate her for it.
Syaoran POV
"I think you should go after her." Tomoyo turned around to Syaoran.
"Why, it doesn't seem like she wanted to be around me in the first place. Why should I go after her?" I asked.
"Well, you don't have to go. I mean I'm not going to force you. But think about it, if you were lost mentally and emotionally wouldn't you want someone to save you?" Tomoyo asked, giving me something to think about.
What could she mean by that? Why does she seem to want Sakura and me to be around each other so much? Also, what's up with that riddle she gave me? At least I think it's a riddle...it sure sounded like one. Does she mean that Sakura is lost mentally and emotionally? If she does mean that, why do I have to be the one to save her? This still doesn't make any sense.
"Well, maybe I will go after her." I replied unsurely. Tomoyo was confusing me, I couldn't even remember what was right and left. She left my mind in a jumble.
"Syaoran, I'm sorry to say this, but I think it's too late for that now." I looked around.
She was right, Sakura wasn't anywhere around us. I guess she had left, although I'm still not exactly sure why. I guess that gives me time to think this whole situation over. Like why do I have this strong pull to her. Why, when I've never had the want to be around anyone before do I suddenly want to see her all the time? It's like I'm connected to her in some way. Like the Earth pulls us together. It's really strange...
"Oh yeah, you're right. Well, I guess I better be getting ready to go home. So, bye."
"Yeah, bye." Tomoyo replied sadly.
Narrorator POV
As Sakura walked through the park, cherry blossom petals floated in the air, falling from the many cherry blossom trees. The sun was setting, it was late, and all she could do was walk. Walk and think to herself. Think about her life and this new boy, Syaoran.
Sakura POV
All I could seem to think about was HIM. Why won't he just leave, and get out of my head? Fine, if he won't find his way out of my thoughts, then I'll just force him out. (AN: Sakura's sounding a little psychotic...) I'll think about something else, I'm not sure what but I need to distract myself.
I arrived at my house, took out my key, unlocked the door and went in. It seemed so silent, even though it was silent when my mom was here, it seemed even more so. If I spoke it seemed that the walls echoed, or maybe it's just my imagination.
You may be wondering why I'm here alone. Why I don't have a caregiver or guardian or whatever you want to call it. Well, technically my dad is my guardian now. But you think that I'd ACTUALLY live with that jerk?
I would be taken into adoption, but I still have family members left. Yet, those family members haven't even came to rescue me. They can't rescue me from the dark, from the loneliness, they can't even rescue me from myself. So they called my dad, the one person in the world that I hate the most. He took away my life, he took away our family, he took away my mom, and most importantly took away me. He took away the person I used to be, the innocence in my childlike self, he took away my pure heart. He replaced it with hurt, despair, loneliness, and regret. I think he knows this, that's why he's actually letting me do something that's illegal. They think I live with him, they all think that he just owns two houses. So, that's why I'm living alone in a big empty house. The only who is here is me. It's torture being alone, alone with only yourself and your thoughts. Your thoughts corrupt you, they take over your mind and soul. You can't escape, because those thoughts are part of you. So here I am, laying on my bed with my thoughts being the only voices I can hear. It's quiet when you live alone, the only thing you can hear is yourself. So, now I'm the one in charge of raising me. I have to raise myself, with no help, with no love. But that's ok, because my heart is too dark to love in the first place.
At that I cried. There isn't anyone here to hear me, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I'll let that wall down a little, just for a moment. It's too hard right now to not cry. So, I'll cry since there isn't anyone around for me to keep my fake face on. I'll let it out...just this once.
The day of her funeral was dark and brooding. The sky was dark and cloudy. It looked like it was going to rain, as if the clouds felt and understood my pain. I wore black, expressing how I felt. I felt sad and hurt, and it showed my heart. Full of darkness is what my heart is, and now I'm able to show it on the outside. I like feeling this way, like now I'm dark on the outside AND the inside. Maybe I should dress this way more often. I walked to the chapel; it was magnificent in size and beauty. But that doesn't matter, because the only thing it is, is a building.
I walked inside, with roses in my hand. I didn't tell anyone that she died from her own hand, from those horrid pills. I just said that it was her time to go and she went peacefully in her sleep. Nobody will know any different anyhow. I went to her casket and saw her laying there, sleeping eternally. I gave me chills while at the same time I wanted to cry. I quietly lay the roses in the casket.
"These are for you mom. Even though in my heart I don't think you truly deserve them, you were actually a good mother before he left. He meaning dad. Even though you weren't the greatest mom, I'll still miss you. Life will be even lonelier now that you're gone. I'm not sure how, but you made life seem a little less empty. But I don't think you felt the same about me or you wouldn't have killed yourself." and with those last words to my mother I went and sat down.
I sat through the ceremony which was incredibly boring. Maybe it's supposed to be so boring that you forget about how sad you are. But if it is, it didn't help me much. It just helped me to get lost in my own little world and remember my sorrow. She may have hated me towards the end, but she once loved me with all her heart. So, it still hurts to see her die.
As we walked outside I saw there was a large garden. It was so big it had pathways for you to follow. I walked through and looked at the flowers. I think it's supposed to be like some sort of park or something, I'm not sure. I was smelling these flowers, when I realized they were Nadeshiko flowers. I then saw a drop of water land on the path, and I realized I was crying. I didn't even notice, because I feel like I'm crying every day of my life. (AN: For those of you who aren't big CCS fans and don't know who Nadeshiko is, she's Sakura's mom. Nadeshiko actually means "fringed pink" in English which is a type of flower, just like Sakura means "cherry blossoms")
At that moment a boy who looked the same age as me walked around the corner and saw me. He looked at me curiously, probably wondering why I was here alone and also crying. I gave him a glare, but if you ever try glaring while crying it doesn't look very intimidating.
There was rustling around one of the bushes toward where the boy had come from.
"Hey, how come you walked ahead and didn't wait for me?" Tomoyo asked the boy.
"Tomoyo!" Sakura asked surprised.
I never expected to see Tomoyo here. OH MY GOSH! I forgot, I must look a mess. I forgot that I've been crying. I can't believe it, I have the worst of luck. Bumping into Tomoyo looking like I do at the moment.
Tomoyo just stared at Sakura, with a look of surprise on her face. That look wasn't just from bumping into her, it was from the fact that Sakura had actually been crying.
How come whenever I cry everyone looks at me funny? They stare at me with this look in their eyes. It's hard to explain, but it's almost like why is she crying? She's the strong one, she never shows emotion, if she's showing weakness then what's going to happen to all of us? Then they don't have any idea what to do around me, they just seem to try to stay away. They always have this nervous aura about them when it happens. It's not that I cry very much, I've trained myself not to. Ever since my dad left, I knew my mom thought if I cried I was weak, and she said I had to be everything she wasn't. Even when my grandpa died I didn't cry, everyone gave me this look like I didn't care about him at all. That's not it though, I loved him as if he was my own father, he was the only one I could really talk to. I was more in shock than anything else, but I still couldn't cry. People think I'm heartless, with a heart of ice, and while that may be true I still have emotions, I just don't let people see them. But sometimes when everything bad loads up on me I just break and start crying. That's when the looks start, I hate those looks.
Tomoyo, you mean you two know each other?" the boy asked curiously.
"Yeah, actually I do." she broke out of the trance and straightened herself.
I wonder who that boy is? I also want to know why Tomoyo and him were out here in the garden, alone
My Extra Short WeirdSpecial Story
(AN: Since I wasn't able to put this into the story too well I figured I'd put it as a extra story. So here it is!)
School
"Sakura, SAKURA!" Tomoyo shouted excitedly.
"What?" Sakura asked.
"Guess what?" Tomoyo asked.
"What?" she replied.
"NOOOOO, you have to GUESS!" Tomoyo whined.
"But I really don't know, so just tell me. Otherwise we'll end up being here all day!" Sakura complained.
"Ok, fine. I'll tell you. Well... (she paused for dramatic effect) I MADE THE CHEER SQUAD!" she shouted happily.
"Oh...great. That's so cool Tomoyo." she replied uneasily.
"Are you ok? All of a sudden you don't look so great." Tomoyo looked her friend over.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I gotta go though." she rushed home.
"Hmmmm, that was kind of strange..." Tomoyo stated to herself.
Ok, well the end of that chapter was my attempt at a cliffhanger. Even though as a reader I hate cliffhangers myself, I decided to put one in anyway. HA! Yeah... Well, since I got more reviews I decided to post this chapter. You people better review again, OR ELSE! If you want to see a chapter ever again then you better review! (Author's attempt at threatening people to review.) Ok, well I hope you liked it. But you shall be aware that the author is given lots of homework at school and has to work her butt off. So, writing will be done on weekends a lot of the time. But I do have a little bit written for the next chapter and I'll try to write whenever I get a chance and I'm not super lazy. Like I said before, sometimes you may need to let me know that I'm taking forever to post since I can be bad and lazy.
