A/N: Rediscovered some old high school crack fic, and got a laugh out of it. Figured someone else might enjoy as well. There's some rarepairs here that don't really get much attention.


1.

(In which Chopper gets the wrong idea about Sabine and Tristan's relationship; takes place post-Legacy of Mandalore)

"Why did Sabine have to stay on Mandalore with her boyfriend?" Chopper grumbled.

Ezra cocked his head.

"Her boyfriend?" He questioned, brow furrowing.

"Tall, white-suited Imperial Mando."

"What? No, no, no, Chopper. Tristan's her brother."

"Oh, good." Chop beeped...happily? At least, the happiest Ezra'd ever heard the rust bucket.

"Since when do you care if Sabine has a boyfriend or not?"

Silence.

Ezra further pressed. "Do you think she and I still have a chance?"

Chop swiveled his dome. "No. Wedge Antilles."

Ezra reached over to slap him.

Chop responded with a maniacal, almost chuckle-like noise and darted away.

2.

(In which Chopper stalks Sabine and Wedge)

Chopper follows Sabine and Wedge around base for weeks, trying to establish the status of their relationship.

Despite his efforts, they sometimes sneak away.

When he finally catches them mashing their mouths together, he has to struggle to restrain from beeping with pleasure.

Instead, he silently turns on his holo-recorder.

Hiding behind the crates for another minute or so, he records the entire kiss.

Satisfied that he's gotten plenty of evidence, he scoots away as quietly as possible, circuits brimming with excitement.
Wait til Hera, Kanan, Zeb and Ezra see this!

(When he shows them that evening, they are...unimpressed.)

3.

(In which Chopper teases Ezra about his new crush; post-A Princess on Lothal)

Ezra Bridger had a crush on Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.

That was apparent to anyone with optics.

According to Chopper's observations, it might even be mutual.

Unfortunately, he ran out of time to prank them.

However, he did have plenty of time to tease Ezra afterwards.

"Dreaming about the princess again?" He warbled, interrupting Ezra's meditating.

"I am not-"

"Betcha she's dreaming about you, too."

"Really?" Ezra's head shot up.

"Yep."

"So you think a princess…" He grinned. "...and a guy like me..."

"Absolutely."

He's this stupid?

Really?

He thinks a princess would actually fall for a rebel smuggler?

4.

(In which Chopper tells Kanan and Hera, "Get a room already!"; during Heroes of Mandalore)

Chopper was getting extremely tired of Kanan and Hera's holocall. It was supposed to be just a quick mission update. Instead, Kanan had turned it into an opportunity to flirt with Hera, who responded evasively, as usual.

Chopper couldn't figure out why the two organics, drawn to each other like tooka cats to wookiees, were still doing the awkward not-talking-about-their-relationship thing they'd been doing since Gorse.

"Get a room already!" He finally growled.

Immediately thereafter, Hera said a hasty goodbye and abruptly ended the call. Chopper wasn't sure whether to be relieved, or annoyed.

He didn't have time for either.

5.

(In which Chopper plays a prank on some unsuspecting Mandalorians)

Sometimes, Chopper didn't understand why the organics reacted so irrationally to his actions. He was always careful not to interrupt serious proceedings.

Such as the day he specifically waited until after the battle before locking Fenn Rau and Bo-Katan Kryze in a closet together.

But of course, no one noticed his slight tact, and instead the pesky Mandalorians scolded and insulted him relentlessly.

"Di'kutla beskar'ad."

"Chaavla."

"Besom."

"Chakaaryc beskar'ad."

"Gedin'la."

A few hours into the feud, Hera herself came and strictly forbade him from playing any more such pranks.

He promised to stop...but only until they were off Mandalore.