Title: Dizzy

Author: Hawk Clowd

Disclaimer: So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

Blood Type: Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

Warnings: Very few.

Part: Five

Author's Note: Um. Eat, drink, and be merry. This chapter is blah.

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"Maybe he never really loved me at all," Tatsuha mused glumly. A day had passed since his disastrous debauchery, which had given Tatsuha time to catch up on the sleep he had lost those first days while trying to look for Ryuichi. It also gave him time to think about all the things he had recently discovered concerning the rock star, and Tatsuha was quickly finding that his thoughts of Ryuichi and his stupid girlfriend were doing little to improve his mood.

Eiri, who sat on the couch, flipped through television channels, nursed what he claimed was the worst coffee Shuichi had ever made, and said nothing. Since he was here, he had already heard a great deal of Tatsuha's musings. He had been a fairly good listener for the first hour or two, but soon all of Tatsuha's maybes and moping got on his nerves. Tatsuha wasn't sure Eiri was even making the attempt to listen to him now.

Tatsuha frowned. "What do you think?" he asked.

Eiri only shrugged.

Tatsuha sighed. "I don't think he ever actually said he loved me or that he'd wait for me or anything like that," Tatsuha admitted, equally glum. "Maybe I just hoped he would. Or maybe I wanted him to love me so much that I figured he had to return the feeling. You know what I mean?"

"Maybe you should shut up so I can watch my shows," Eiri retorted, but Tatsuha knew he didn't quite mean it like that. He cared, at least a little, but Tatsuha's constant musing was wearing on his last nerve. Tatsuha sighed. He could live with that.

When Eiri and Tatsuha had returned to the apartment after the fiasco at the motel, Shuichi had rushed out of the music room, which was really just a storage room Eiri had hired some guys to soundproof so Shuichi could play music or practice his singing without bothering anyone (especially Eiri). Shuichi had quickly re-explained things to Tatsuha, complete with several more apologies. He was sorry, he said, but Ryuichi was his friend and Tatsuha was almost like his brother and it was just so much easier not to say anything at all and hope it would go away. Eiri had eventually noticed that Tatsuha's patience was wearing thin and had led Shuichi back into the music room. The door had shut behind them and, when they reappeared an hour later, they went to the bedroom so Tatsuha could be alone. Tatsuha had mostly been left to himself since then. He didn't mind this at all, since it gave him more time to brood over what had happened and what he was going to do next.

Not that there were many options left to him, of course. There wasn't a great deal he could do; going after Ryuichi was out of the question, since the rock star probably didn't even remember who Tatsuha was, and staying in Tokyo was kind of pointless, especially since he had only wanted to stay the summer with Eiri and Shuichi to see Ryuichi again. He knew he was pissing Eiri off with his constant moping, too, and a pissed off Eiri was never a good thing. That, in Tatsuha's mind, left only one other option: retreat.

Tatsuha sighed. "Maybe I should go back home," he said at last.

Eiri frowned and quirked an eyebrow, but never looked away from the television. "To Kyoto?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Tatsuha was quiet for a long while. How was he supposed to explain to his brother that the way Shuichi passed him a guilty look each time Tatsuha saw the singer made him feel betrayed all over again? How was he supposed to tell Eiri that he had come to Tokyo for the sole purpose of finding Ryuichi? How was he supposed to let his brother know he was miserable and felt like all of Tokyo knew he had been a fool? He couldn't. Eiri had always gotten everything he wanted, ever since he met Seguchi Tohma. Eiri wouldn't understand, no matter how much he thought he would. Tatsuha was sure of that.

"I just want to go home is all," Tatsuha lied. "I should be helping Dad out with the temple and stuff. And be getting ready to go to the university. I got accepted, you know. Dad was so happy about it I thought he was going to fly through the roof or something. I told you about it."

Eiri watched Tatsuha for a long while, examining his brother's face. He seemed to know Tatsuha was lying and that his reasons were only sad attempts to justify his retreat. Eiri's cold hazel eyes hinted at disgust and the frown never wavered. Tatsuha ignored the expression and held his brother's gaze as steadily as he could.

"All right," Eiri said at last. He shrugged his shoulders as though he didn't care, but Tatsuha had the feeling that Eiri had not given up on the argument just yet. "I'll drive you back tomorrow, if that's what you want."

That was more than Tatsuha had expected. He had expected, at the very best, a ride to the train station. He broke eye contact. "Thanks."

Eiri only shrugged and looked back toward the television. The show he had been watching for the past few minutes suddenly did not interest him any longer; he picked up the remote and began to flip through the channels once again. Tatsuha stood up once Eiri paused on some cheesy afternoon soap opera and escaped to his room to pack his things and prepare for the trip back home.

The subject was broached again late in the evening, once Shuichi returned from the studio. The singer immediately kicked off his shoes and went to the kitchen to attempt to cook on his own, since both Eiri and Tatsuha had eaten already, and both brothers followed to stand side by side in the doorway and watch the scene. It was quite a show, which Eiri enjoyed because he knew how to cook and Tatsuha liked because he learned what he should not do in the kitchen -- and because he knew Eiri would eventually shove Shuichi out of the way, take over the cooking, and make enough to give all three of them another meal and a midnight snack, too.

The kitchen in Eiri and Shuichi's new apartment was about the same size as their old one, but the design was different enough that Eiri and Shuichi were almost constantly bumping into cabinets or into the island in the middle of the room. Cabinets were everywhere, and neither Eiri nor Shuichi seemed to know which cabinets and drawers were supposed to hold what, so things were constantly getting lost.

Shuichi went to the refrigerator for an onion and some leeks and then set them on the island. He glanced around and started looking through cabinets. When he did not find what he was looking for, he glanced over his shoulder at Eiri.

"Where's the knife?"

Eiri shrugged.

Shuichi groaned and turned his back on the brothers, turning to root through a cabinet for the knife. After a few seconds of humming, he started to babble. Tatsuha mostly zoned out, but when Shuichi cried "Oh!" both he and Eiri snapped to attention. Eiri leaned over the island to make sure Shuichi had not cut himself on the very knife the singer was searching for. That seemed not to be the case, however, and Eiri righted himself immediately once Shuichi continued speaking. "There's going to be a dinner at K-san's house tomorrow night to celebrate our last single going gold, and you guys are both invited if you want to go, because K --"

"We're going to be in Kyoto," Eiri interrupted.

Tatsuha glanced from Eiri to Shuichi's back and then back to Eiri. Ah. So that's what Eiri had been planning; he was going to drag Shuichi into a debate concerning the end of Tatsuha's stay in Tokyo. Bastard. It wasn't as though Shuichi would care or anything if Tatsuha left, after all. Right?

Shuichi paused and turned around to face the brothers. "In Kyoto?" he repeated.

"Mmhm."

"What for?" Shuichi finally spotted the knife somewhere on the counter and began to eye the leeks he had set on the island earlier.

"I'll be taking Tatsuha home."

"Why?"

"Because he says he wants to go," Eiri answered.

Tatsuha fully expected Shuichi to ask why Eiri was taking him instead of letting him ride the bullet train as he had the summer before, but the question never came. Leeks forgotten, Shuichi stared at the Uesugi brothers.

"What?" he asked.

"Tatsuha wants to go home," Eiri replied.

Three very interesting things happened at this point. The first was that Shuichi's eyebrows nearly shot off the top of his head. The second was that Tatsuha saw Shuichi's face twist into surprise, then disgust, and then, finally, rage. The third thing -- the final thing -- was that Shuichi practically jumped over the island toward Tatsuha, moved forward until he was only a step or two away from Tatsuha, the knife still clutched in his hand, and Eiri made no move to either stop the singer or take the knife away, even though Shuichi had it pointed dangerously close to Tatsuha's chest.

"You're giving up!" Shuichi roared, far more furious than Tatsuha had ever seen him before. He began to gesture with the knife as he spoke. "You've hit one obstacle bigger than you're used to and you're just going to turn around with your tail tucked between your legs!"

Tatsuha shook his head. "But you guys were the first ones to get in the way," he pointed out through gritted teeth. "Remember? You decided not to tell me what was going and just kept making sure I wouldn't find out the truth about Sakuma and his girlfriend."

"And we admitted we were wrong!" Shuichi exclaimed. "We admitted it and we apologized and even when we were doing it we kept hoping you'd figure it out so you could do something to change it and make yourself happy!"

Tatsuha shook his head. "But --"

Shuichi ignored him and continued. "Don't you know that you have to work to get what you want?" He threw his hands up in the air and the knife came dangerously close to cutting off Tatsuha's ear. Tatsuha froze in surprise and then belatedly winced away. "Doesn't anyone in your family know that you're supposed to work for happiness? You all are the least ambitious people to ever walk the earth!"

The knife approached Tatsuha's chest this time and Tatsuha jerked backward to avoid it.

"We are not!" Tatsuha argued. "I mean, Eiri --"

"Yuki is just as bad as you are," Shuichi insisted, pointing the knife at Tatsuha's face. "If he wants something, he dawdles around it until someone either hands it to him on a silver platter or until he gives up hope! One thing gets in his way and suddenly he's all 'Oh, I can't love you because I may hurt you!' or 'Oh no, something bad happened to you, so now I must blame myself and run away before I get hurt, too!' or... or..." Shuichi sputtered a moment. "When I decided I wanted Yuki, I kept trying to get him even though he kept pushing me away, and look where I ended up! I got what I wanted! Doesn't that tell you anything?"

Tatsuha glanced at Eiri, who only frowned. That was probably fair. Shuichi was right, wasn't he? Tatsuha had failed. He always failed.

Shuichi went on. "And you! You know what you want and what you've dreamed of having for forever and you just quit! You lose! There's no excuse not to dream! You could have it if you wanted if you just went out and did things and made yourself there to be noticed like at K's party, but all you're doing is running away because you're afraid of getting hurt like a coward! Are you going to rely on someone else to do the dirty work for you? Are you hoping that... that Yuki will pull Ryuichi out of a studio and drive him to Kyoto to burst in and save the day?" Shuichi scowled. "What's next? I know! You're going to run home and be miserable because no one will understand you and no one will let you into their heart, even though you know someone will and has and you're just too blind to see it!" Shuichi's eyes blazed. "Coward! You give up before you even start trying and you never ever think about what might happen if you just tried to do something? Anything? You're just so unbelievably --"

"Shuichi," Eiri interrupted quietly. "That's enough."

Shuichi blinked at Eiri and then glanced from Eiri back to Tatsuha. He bit his lip and backed away until he was pressed against the island. Eiri took the knife from Shuichi's hand and started cooking, pointedly turning his back on Tatsuha so that he was facing the opposite cabinets. Shuichi excused himself in a whisper and walked past Tatsuha, escaping to the music room.

Tatsuha realized at that point in time that he was crying for the second time in less than three days. He quickly wiped his eyes and retreated to the bedroom he had practically adopted as his own. When Eiri knocked and told him that he had finished cooking and there was enough for one more if Tatsuha wanted to eat a second dinner, Tatsuha pretended he was asleep. It seemed like the best choice.

Then again, Tatsuha had not been making all of the right choices as of late.

---end part five---