-122-
BPOV:
My mind was heavy that night when I lay in bed trying to sleep. I'm a little bit frustrated that I spent so much time after Edward and I broke up learning to guard myself and find strength in my anger to keep my heart from falling for him again. But…
It can't be again if I never came back from the last fall.
And I'm starting to realize I haven't. I knew it the second I first saw him in front of the hospital, but I wasn't ready to admit it yet.
The past couple of weeks have softened me to him. Made me realize he's not this monster I built him up to be in my head.
It was such a precarious situation we found ourselves in; I really can't blame him for not handling it well. I'm pretty positive if the roles were reversed, I would've made some mistakes as well. Maybe not the same ones, but I doubt I'd handle it perfectly.
I feel like I can fully breathe again. Like my stubborn inability to forgive has been weighing on my chest without my knowledge. And now that I'm letting it go, I'm liberated.
We're all human. We all make mistakes. They all come in different sizes and shapes, but it's not about that. It's about the intention behind them. And Edward never once intended to hurt me. He never had any malicious, evil plans of luring me into a false sense of security…
He was my security.
I want what Esme and Carlisle have. The steady, unending, no-questions-asked sort of devotion they share where you see the two of them together, and you know their worlds move for each other.
And I want what Rose and Emmett have. The silly, sexy, hot kind of love where they can't stop laughing, can't keep their hands off each other, where every moment is filled with fun and happiness.
I even want what Alice and Jasper have. That mutual worship of one another where they're both just so fucking shocked that they're lucky enough to have the other.
But I had all of that, and I let it go.
And it's way past time to fix that.
Winding it down now, folks. We'll be marking this one complete on Tuesday!
