Characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! Thanks to all the reviews so far! All reviews welcome!
Chapter Two - Testing Times
Lister looked at him with contempt. "You? Pass the Astro-navigation exam?"
"I could pass it anytime I want to…"
"You've failed it thirteen times already," said Lister. "What makes you think you could pass it now?"
Rimmer squinted his eyes together and glared at the little oik. "I haven't failed it thirteen times…"
"How many times have you taken the exam then?"
"Thirteen."
Lister made a great play of examining Rimmer's shoulders, which were conspicuously free of pips.
"They don't all count as failures. I got eleven failures and two x's for unclassified; there's a big difference, Listy, a huge difference!" Those two x's he had gotten gnawed at his soul. He had been so damn close! He had pasted the last one up in his study desk so he could see how close he had been.
Kryten clapped his hands together. "Do you want me to book you an exam, sir?"
"What, now?" said Rimmer. "I need notice!"
Lister shook his head. "You've been taking those stupid virtual exams practically every day for the past four months! The time you haven't spent in there you've been revising for the stupid smegging exam. What more practice do you need? I mean, why do you feel your life would be complete with a stupid officer's pips? Is it worth wasting your life over?"
Rimmer didn't even bother replying to that comment. What would he know, the dim-witted idiot? Being able to look in the mirror in the morning and not just see a failure… A man who had lost at everything he had ever done, but to see a success. A go-getting man with epaulettes! That was everything! He often dreamt he had passed the exam and would wake up happy and would be content for several minutes until he looked in the mirror again to see the same failure, the same empty shoulders. He wasn't wasting his life with it; it was his life.
It was part of his grand plan! Become an officer! Meet a woman! Get married! Being an officer was integral to the whole scheme! Lister was happy being a nothing; he was not.
Rimmer raised a finger dramatically and said firmly. "Book it for today!" He thought a moment. "No, tomorrow…" He thought a little more. "Next week?"
"Next month? Next year?" added Lister sarcastically.
"If you don't feel you are ready for it, sir," Kryten said quietly. "I'm sure we can tow the ship to the Dwarf's cargo hold. You can take it when you feel ready…"
"Never…" mouthed Lister.
Rimmer bridled at this. He was ready! He knew he was ready! He had been revising solidly for the past four months! And as a result his desk was the cleanest it had ever been! He had colour coded his pens, organized his sock drawer into days of the week. He had set up a killer revision timetable in 3D! Each day had a little swivel colour coded box that you turned around to a different sector to see what you should be studying (he had divided the day into four sectors). It had taken weeks to design and build. It had taken him months to get the actual killer study routine set up and the perfect study environment.
Weeks to do!
Possibly months!
Probably all four months…
In fact when he thought about it, had he actually opened up any of his books? The ones he had placed in height order at the back of the desk. The ones he had typed name labels in and drawn neat boxes around with a set square? The inside box was black and the outside two millimeters out was red. Each name label was a work of art. He had a special tortoiseshell pen with a gold nib for writing his name in his beautiful handwriting. But actually knowing what was in there? His desk was so clean he had been rubbing off the varnish so he had actually once opened up a book… He had opened one up carefully three weeks ago with a forceps so as not to damage the page.
What was the title again? Oh yes… "The geological evolution of Atai Mons Venus, A volcano 'corona' hybrid." He had actually read the first two paragraphs before his head started throbbing. Being a hard light hologram, he was meant to be practically immortal and invulnerable. Didn't stop him getting a headache… He'd had to lie down for twenty minutes after that.
He looked at Lister, who was giving him a contemptuous look. Looking at him like he was a failure. "Book it now. For today. This very afternoon!" Lister's eyebrows rose at this and Rimmer felt a small glow of pleasure at wrong footing him.
"Certainly sir, certainly sir," bustled Kryten, typing something into the computer screen. "What's your candidate number, sir?"
Without even thinking Rimmer said. "16888…"
"831," added Kryten. "How curious, the ship seemed to add the numbers in itself."
"831," echoed Rimmer. He made a great play of looking at his watch. "Right; I've got two hours last minute revision, not that I need it! I'll see you gentlemen shortly. Listy, prepare your saluting arm!" With that he marched out.
Lister made a play of saluting him, which ended with him giving a v sign to his retreating back.
Rimmer walked calmly out of view, then scampered into the office he had made up on Starbug. All his diagrams and graphs were pasted up on the wall and all his clean neat books.
An exam!
A chance of officer-hood!
In just two hours!
Right, breathe deeply. I need to cheat… His mind balked at the word and quickly changed it to learn. How can I learn everything in two hours? He grabbed the last examination paper from the top of the pile, this sent paper sprawling over his nice clean desk but he ignored it. What was the last question? "Describe, using formulae where appropriate, the application of De Burgh's theory of thermal induction of porous circuitry."
He quickly glanced through the other exams from previous years. They always asked about porous circuitry… He scanned the books. There it was, looking like a telephone book for the Greater London area, "Porous Circuitry for Complete and Total Brain Dead Idiots!"
How can I learn that in under two hours?
I'm just a man! I'm not a computer!
Hang on a minute, I may not be a computer but… "Holly!"
The screen in front of him remained obstinately blank. "Holly?"
The head of a balding man shimmered into view. "What?"
"What do you mean, what? I'm a senior technician; you address me as sir or senior technician or 2nd Technician Arnold Rimmer! Not what?"
Holly raised his eyebrows slightly at this and stared at him again. "What, Senior Arnold?"
Close enough. "You know my personality is run on a computer?"
"Yes."
"Could you add knowledge to that computer so I could access it?"
Holly smiled slightly. "You mean cheat?"
"Cheat! Cheat! I am a second technician of the Space Corp, I don't cheat…"
"It might be possible to add it to your long term memory storage facilities…"
"Marvelous!"
"When?"
"Now."
"What?"
"My books divvy! I've got an exam in under two hours!"
"Divvy?"
"You heard! Get on with it!"
"Certainly Senior Arnold… Your books…" The screen shimmered slightly as Holly's face disappeared.
A couple of hours later Rimmer put down the book he had been struggling to read and looked up as there was a clanking sound, as Starbug attached a magnetic clamp to the side of the Space Corp vessel, then the ship juddered slightly as it attached to the side of the ship.
Kryten's voice came over the intercom. "We have docked, sir."
Another electronic voice came over the speakers. "Welcome to test center 545482, the SC Vessel Letifer. Will all candidates please attend a routine screening before starting the exam. All electronic devices must be left on your vessel. From the time the test starts to when it finishes no communication with any other person living or dead, mechanical or flesh is permitted. On behalf of the Space Corp Examination Department we would like to wish Mr Rimmer luck."
"Holly!" hissed Rimmer.
The disembodied head of Holly appeared. "Yes, Arnold?"
"Have you managed to…"
"What?"
"You know, my books? Have you updated my long term memory storage?"
"Yes, Arnold, you'll have immediate access to your books when you take the exam."
Arnold looked up and whispered. "Thank you, Holly! When we next speak I could be an officer!"
Rimmer walked through the ship to the central area where the docking area was. Lister, the Cat and Kryten were there. Lister put out a hand. "Good luck, smeghead. Remember you spell your name R – I – M…"
"I know, I know!"
The Cat smiled, his incisor teeth showing over the top of his lips. "See you in two minutes, bud!"
Rimmer ignored him.
"The best of luck, sir, we're all rooting for you!"
"Can we just leave him on board?" whispered the Cat.
"We've got to get the curry off it first!" said Lister.
Rimmer looked at Lister and shook his head. "What's a Space Corp Test vessel doing with curry on board?"
"Hey, I'm not an officer, don't ask me. See yer soon, smeghead! Hey, to think I could soon be insulting an officer and not just a techy!"
Rimmer glanced at a rust patch on the wall, trying to think of something to say… What was a suitable officer thing to say? What would mention the soon to be wide gulf between such comrades?
"Smeg off, Lister!"
That'll do!
The door hissed open in front of him and showed the blackness of the tunnel between the ships. With a whooshing sound the lights came on. Through that tunnel is officerhood! He squared his shoulders, still remarkably light but hopefully not for much longer! He raised his chin and marched through the tunnel. A blue light bathed him for a moment as he was scanned for any electronic trickery.
Would it detect the hidden knowledge in his mind? That couldn't be regarded as cheating, could it? It was though, added an annoying little voice in the back of his head. Could it detect guilt?
Rimmer tried to smile and look nonchalant. It didn't work.
The door in front of him hissed open as it came up with nothing.
The sound of the Cat, Lister and Kryten bickering behind him disappeared and he marched onto the ship…
A silvery gray robotic invigilator walked out of a side door and stood in front of him.
"Second Technician Arnold Rimmer?" it asked in melodic tones.
"Yes. That's me." Arnold tapped himself on the chest unnecessarily. "Arnold Rimmer. Yes. Second Technician." He elbowed the android in a bad attempt to appear cheerful. "But not for long!"
The android gave him a blank look.
"I hope, I mean I hope. I mean I've got no reason to think I won't pass now, I've studied enough! I mean I'm not cheating at all! Would I cheat? I don't even know the meaning of the word cheat…" He thought a moment. "Well I do know the meaning of it; I just wouldn't actually do it…" He tailed off into silence.
"According to our records the last time you took this exam you wrote the contents of your books on your body…"
"Well, yes. When I said I wouldn't actually cheat, I meant now…"
"If you could follow me please, Mr Rimmer."
"Certainly, certainly…"
There was silence as he followed the android down the corridor. Several lights were fizzling as they passed and small sad piles of dust lay about the corridor. The android just ploughed through them but Rimmer hopped and skipped over them like a demented kangaroo.
"I bet you get lots of nervous techies doing exams?"
"No."
"Right, right."
"You've probably done this a lot then?"
"Yes."
"But not recently though?"
"No."
In silence now Rimmer followed the android into a huge empty examination room. A single spotlight was on one desk in the middle and there was the familiar sight of the examination paper in the middle. A black biro was next to it.
"I'll sit down, shall I?"
Silence.
"I'll sit down then…" Rimmer sat down and looked around him. Empty. Several chairs had the piles of dust of them.
The android walked to the front of the room. "The exam will last two hours. If you have any questions or need any more paper or pens please raise your hand." A huge red digital clock started up behind the invigilator. "If you could turn over the paper now…"
Rimmer took a deep breath, his heartbeat threatening to deafen him. This could be the start of a new era for him. He turned over the page…
