Characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! With thanks for the reviews so far. All reviews welcome!

Chapter Three - Testing Times

Rimmer carefully turned over the paper and read the first words.

Print your surname.

Right, he wasn't going to get this one wrong. Rimmer. He wrote carefully.

Print your first name.

Arnold.

Candidate number.

16888831

On a roll! I'm going to be an officer! Already he was in one of the Red Dwarf's automated clothing facilities getting fitted for his officer's uniform. He would wear the dress uniform with all the gold epaulettes for maybe the next two years. No! The next four years! That's more like it! You're not there yet, concentrate on the exam!

He turned over the page.

"1. Describe, using diagrams where appropriate, the correct application of porous circuits in thermal inductions."

Porous circuits again!

Right, come on Holly, have you downloaded the books?

He breathed deeply and began to write… '"What is that singing?" asked Connie in wonder. We are surrounded by fairies and the ground is made of sweets and chocolates of all kinds!'

Rimmer looked at what he had written.

Smeg!

He didn't know much about porous circuits, but he did know they weren't made by the fairy folk.

Breathe deeply! Breathe deeply! Let's try the second question…

"2. Using the Dijkstra formula, describe the differences between Ion drives and the Momentum drives."

Breathe deeply again and just write… 'The battle of Borodino was one of the most bloody battles of the Napoleonic wars, fought between Bonaparte and his 130,000 troops and the Russians under the command of General M I Kutozov…'

This is Holly's fault! He said 'download his books' and he had, but not those books! He had downloaded his childhood fairy stories and his books on Bonaparte! The git!

With a sinking feeling he approached the third question…

"3. What are the preliminary requirements for the design of an SUV (Space Utility Vehicle). Describe how the Space Corp Star Bugs utilise this requirement."

Sighing, he raised his pen and swept it over the paper. He wasn't surprised to see a picture of some pre-renaissance Madonnas who looked like they bought their clothes at the local oak tree. Only a few leaves hid their modesty.

He grabbed his forehead, groaned and put down the pen.

"Finished so soon, Mr Rimmer?" intoned the Invigilator.

Rimmer hastily turned the paper over. "Yes, yes, I'm finished all right," he said in a hollow voice.

"That paper is only worth 20 of the total score, Mr Rimmer. The practical is worth 80 and you only need 70 to pass. Would you like to do the practical now, Mr Rimmer?"

He sighed. "Yes, yes, why not. Let's get it over with." Dejectedly he trailed after the Invigilator. He still had a small chance to pass this exam… There was nothing he wouldn't do to become an officer. Nothing. If the Invigilator had asked him to dance the salsa naked with a rabid bear on a tight rope over Mt Etna he would have happily picked out the dancing shoes.

"This next test is a more realistic way to test officers, Mr Rimmer, hence the higher test rating. It puts you into real life situations." The Invigilator turned and faced him, his blank faceplate revealing nothing. "I feel that someone such as you who has survived for so long in deep space will have no problems with such tasks." Rimmer's mood lightened at this comment. It was true, he had survived! Although to be fair his main survival technique was hiding under the nearest table until whatever threat it was had gone; but survive he had! True, he had been killed once, but that happens to the best of us!

They walked into the cockpit of the ship and the android stood behind the commander's chair. "All the controls are live here, Mr Rimmer."

Rimmer sat down nervously. The controls were aligned pretty much identically to Star Bug's. He started to perk up a bit. He might actually do okay with this!

"Your first test is disconnecting the Starbug craft from our hull."

Rimmer looked down at the controls. Disconnect the Starbug… Right, that would be to do with the docking clamps. He pressed a button and a drinks dispenser at the other side of the chair ejected a steaming cup of coffee.

The invigilator gave him a peculiar look. "Flying always makes me thirsty." He gave a great play of sipping it. "Mmm! Coffee! Wonderful! And made from fermented yak dung by the taste of it! Lovely!"

He put the coffee to one side and tried another button. With a clanking sound the walkway between the craft was removed.

"Well done, Mr Rimmer," said the Invigilator, ticking a small box on his clipboard. "Your next task is to fire the engines."

Think, Arnie, think! Fire the engines? That means flooding the engines with oxygen first, then releasing the ion particles into the wave field.

Or does it?

Listy normally does this, why does the Smeghead never let me drive! He's crashed Starbug more times than the Fanfiction website!

Listy normally adds 20 oxygen to the engines before releasing the ion flow. Rimmer changed the dial to 20. However this is a bigger ship… He changed the dial to 40. Add an extra 20 to be on the safe side and a little extra to make sure.

Now what about the ion flow? Lister normally put in 10. Yes, but that was a man who thought deodorant was a country in Africa. Put in 20... No, just to make sure put in 50!

He pressed the button…

Rimmer was quite lucky here. The only effect on him was to push him so far back into the seat only his nose was visible. The Invigilator however was thrown back the length of the cockpit and landed upside down in the door. The resulting effect was quite artistic and judging by the mechanoid swearing, quite painful…

Staggering slightly, the Invigilator came back. "Well done, Mr Rimmer, that seemed okay. Possibly released a bit too much oxygen at the start but you definitely got the ship to move…" He ticked another box.

Rimmer allowed a small frisson of pleasure to erupt in him. He was doing okay! He could be an officer! He pictured himself in his mind's eye telling Lister and Kryten that they needn't call him sir, just Lieutenant Rimmer would do.

"Right, Mr Rimmer, if you could try the emergency brakes please?"

To apply brakes on an SC ship means you have to add nitrous oxide in small quantities to break the ionic bonds and produce a reverse thrust equal and proportionate to the current speed. How fast were they going now? 276,000 mph. Lister normally adds 2 kg per hundred thousand mph. So add 6kg… But this is a bigger ship though? About 10 times bigger so times 6 by ten 60 kg. Is it heavier though? It certainly looked heavier out of the view port window. But does weight count in space? Call it 70 kg. 80 kg to be on the safe side…

This time the Invigilator had a firm hold of a chair behind Rimmer when he said this. All this meant though was that when Rimmer braked, the chair as well as the Invigilator went flying against the glass. The screen in front of Rimmer, that was designed to withstand a two tonne asteroid hitting it at 500,000 mph, had a small crack in it now…

The Invigilator, slightly flatter than he was originally and shaking slightly, got to his feet. "Well, you certainly have the hang of that…" He dusted himself off slightly. "Next question. You are approaching space dock."

"Am I?" asked Rimmer, squinting through the windows.

"No," said the Invigilator. "This is a hypothetical space dock."

"Is that blue or something?" asked Rimmer.

"No, it is an imaginary space dock."

"Right, right."

"The gate opens to the space dock and the light changes from red to orange. What do you do?"

"In my imagination?"

"Yes."

"Well, currently in my imagination I'm re-fighting the last game of Risk I played against Kryten. I'm sure that metal head cheated."

The Invigilator added quietly. "What about the lights?"

"I'd stay where I am, I haven't finished my game of Risk yet…"

"That is the correct answer. In a round about way, well done." The Invigilator looked down at his board. "You are doing very well, Mr Rimmer, you only need to get this final question right and you will be an officer."

Rimmer's face lit up; already in his mind he was on various chat shows. "Well, it was easy really; I always knew I could get them." He was already marching Lister round the ship, telling him what a disgrace he was. Girls were looking up at him with adoring eyes. He had done it! An officer! All his past failures would be swept away with this one glorious success!

The Invigilator pressed a button on the console and a small screen lit up showing three people, two humanoid and one android. "These three people are attempting to loot the ship. The ship has detected this and trapped them in the cargo hold. The Space Corp penalty for looting is death. To become an officer, Mr Rimmer, all you have to do is press this button and flood the cargo hold with lethal sulphuric acid gas."

Officerhood and eternal glory was just a button press away! Rimmer's hand hovered over the button…