Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

214

8.051

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

134

7.940

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

194

7.917

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

102

7.892

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

76

7.881

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

94

7.861

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

82

7.841

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

111

7.828

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

78

7.820

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

67

7.805

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

70

7.771

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

87

7.747

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66

7.727

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

72

7.722

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

67

7.671

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

65

7.615

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

68

7.588

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

88

7.556

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

63

7.523

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

60

7.516

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

80

7.475

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

69

7.463

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

69

7.463

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

95

7.463

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

71

7.450

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

66

7.439

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

56

7.357

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

72

7.347

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

70

7.342

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

63

7.333

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

75

7.333

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

75

7.293

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

63

7.285

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

69

7.275

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

73

7.273

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

59

7.271

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

72

7.208

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

51

7.196

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

53

7.188

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

78

7.141

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

99

7.141

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

175

7.108

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

69

7.101

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

53

7.094

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

64

7.093

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

59

7.050

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

52

7.038

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

72

7.027

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

52

7.019

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

61

7.016

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

60

7.016

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

64

7.015

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

58

6.982

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

52

6.980

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

67

6.925

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

59

6.898

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

51

6.882

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

59

6.881

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

65

6.876

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

55

6.872

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

66

6.863

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

64

6.843

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

54

6.833

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

62

6.822

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

60

6.816

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

64

6.781

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

58

6.775

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

61

6.770

Chuck Norris takes no prisoners, but he does take their wives.

55

6.763

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

54

6.759

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

61

6.754

Chuck Norris thought Arnold's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings.

64

6.734

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

59

6.728

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

69

6.695

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

54

6.685

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

59

6.661

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.

73

6.657

Chuck Norris once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.

53

6.641

Chuck Norris is the only person in history to have went black and went back.

51

6.627

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

55

6.581

Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed.

55

6.581

Chuck Norris found the cure to cancer a long time ago. he didn't tell anyone, stating it would "be funnier this way".

61

6.573

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.

51

6.568

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

55

6.563

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.

69

6.550

Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

51

6.549

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

57

6.543

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

56

6.535

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

57

6.526

Chuck Norris once got in a fight with Lance Armstrong over who had more testicles. Chuck Norris won by three.

59

6.525

Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud.

56

6.517

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

62

6.516

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

59

6.508

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

60

6.500

When Chuck Norris enters a night club, he instantly becomes the life of the party. An instant is roughly how long it takes Chuck Norris to kill a room full of people.

60

6.500

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

55

6.490

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

63

6.460

Chuck Norris tears can be collected, but you have to milk his eyes like the fangs of a cobra. Only one person has tried, and his name was Christopher Reeve.

55

6.454

Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.

51

6.450

Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.