DISCLAIMER: Saban, Blue Collar TV, Do I really have to explain? No. 2 in this Blue Collar Rangers series.
YOU MIGHT BE BLACK & YELLOW REDNECKS
By
C.A. TURNER
Zack and I had just walked in to the school auditorium, ticked off about Bulk's intelligence level. Somehow, the school had landed the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, and 2 weeks ago, Kim had met Bill Engvall. We decided to ignore Bulk when Zack, for some reason, asked me what a redneck was. I told him, according to Jeff Foxworthy, a redneck is someone with a glorious absence of sophistication. It was then I realized that I had rednecks in my family too, when I told Zack, and this man who was testing the mikes, that as a joke, I wrote 'U.S. MALE' on the mailbox…and nobody got it.
Our new friend asked us "How can you tell a redneck?" Zack, being Zack, went…
"If your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction…you might be a redneck!"
My shot: "If people keep asking to hunt in your front yard…you might be a redneck!"
He took a shot…and did it WAY better than either of us…which should have been our 1st clue. "If your grandfather died and left everything to his widow…but she can't touch it until she's fourteen…you might be a redneck!"
ZACK: It was my turn now, and I said "If you refer to the fifth grade as, 'my senior year'… you might be a redneck!"
Trini then went "If you refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture... you might be a redneck!"
He then added "If your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade… you might be a redneck!"
TRINI: Zack smiled and said "If that billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans… you might be a redneck!"
My turn: "If you refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as 'the day my ship came in'… you might be a redneck!"
It hit me…this was Jeff Foxworthy we were talking to, as he added 'If you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk… you might be a redneck!"
ZACK: Jeff howled when I shot: "If your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow… you might be a redneck!"
Trini's was: "If you stare at an orange juice container because it says, CONCENTRATE... you might be a redneck!"
Jeff then smiled and said "If your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed… you might be a redneck!"
TRINI: Zack spoke up "If your mother doesn't take the Marlboro out of her lips long enough to tell the Highway patrolman to kiss her ass(ash)… you might be a redneck!"
As for me, I said "If the people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors… you might be a redneck!"
Jeff finished the whole thing with "If you dated your daddy's current wife in high school… you might be a redneck!" He then asked us, "Will we see you here tonight?"
"All 6 of us, BTW, did Bill Engvall tell you about a friend of ours he met here, Kimberly Hart?" Zack asked.
"Yup, he promised her an autographed picture. Make sure she gets this, and from me…" Zack and I each got a photo from him. Jeff left for some final adjustments to the set he was doing tonight, while Zack and I went to find Kim and the others…they were not going to believe this!"
