Title: What He Wants
Chapter Title: The Gift
Author: Penguins Stealing My Sanity
Disclaimer: I can tell myself in the privacy of my own thoughts that I own everything, but we all know that's not true.
Summary: Jack faked his death, and now he's off to find Ennis and start their life together. But it's not always that simple… There's very little plot involved in this; it's mostly just an excuse for me to write a few explicit sex scenes between Jack and Ennis. ;)
Genre: Romance
Warnings: Eh, not too much.
Rating: R
Setting: Begins right after the sex scene in the first chapter. You'll understand in a minute.

This chapter was actually requested by Leilia. She wanted a chapter done from Ennis's point of view, and it seemed like a really good idea, so I'm running with it. It might seem a little repetitive in the beginning, but I'll do my best. You can count on at least three more chapters after this one.

You know, it's funny. I swore to myself that this was going to be a pointless fic with just sex scene after sex scene, and I've now managed to scrounge out a six-chaptered plot. I should be angry with myself.

All right, mark this day down on the calendar. I'm NOT using a song by Evans Blue! O.O It's still a songfic, though: the song is "The Gift" by Seether, a group almost as good as Evans Blue. Enjoy, and here's to you, Leilia!

- What He Wants -

"The Gift"

"Well, cowboy, we got some things to talk about."

I didn't quite hear what he said at first, and it took a minute or so for me to realize what he'd said. I looked over at him, guessin' what was gonna come. "Like what?"

"You know I ain't gonna let this go," he said, lookin' down at me. "There's nothin' to keep us from buyin' a place of our own, and Christ knows I got money enough. I been keepin' a little for myself, and Lureen don't know nothin' 'bout it. It'll be enough to get us started…"

I looked away from him. I'd been hopin' he wouldn't bring this up again until later, after I'd had time to work through my own thoughts and feelin's. But it didn't seem like there was gonna be any way to avoid it. "Jack," I started softly, still not able to bring myself to look over at him, "I've told you before…I've got a life here…I've got my girls, I've got a job…"

"An' all that means more to you than I do, I guess." He got up off the bed and left the room.

"Shit," I said under my breath, pushin' myself up and startin' after him. I stopped in the doorway, watchin' him as he pulled his pants on, his back to me.

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

"Where're you goin'?"

"Like you fuckin' care."

I could feel myself getting' angry, and I went towards him, grabbin' his arm and twistin' him around to face me. He returned the glare I gave him. "So just like that, you're gonna leave?" I asked angrily. "You come all this way, an' now you're just gonna leave?"

"I ain't got no reason to stay now, do I?" He jerked his arm outta my hand, and went back to buttonin' his pants.

Grindin' my teeth together, I grabbed him again, my fingers diggin' into his arms. "And where you do plan on goin'?" I demanded.

"Don't much care. I was thinkin' maybe Mexico—"

That was enough to make me snap. I shoved him back away from me, and then punched him square in the jaw. He'd barely even touched the ground when I grabbed him around the neck and dragged him up, slammin' him against the wall. Jack fuckin' Twist…fuckin' bastard, I warned you…warned never to say somethin' like that to me again… Stupid fuckin' whoreson… Damn, how could those words hurt so much?

"You fuckin' little shit." You're mine, Jack fuckin' Twist…mine! Ain't no one else ever gonna have you, ain't no fuckin' way you're ever gonna be with anyone else… "If I—"

"If you what?" he screamed. His hands came up, and he pushed me away from him hard enough that I stumbled. Before I could start cursin' at him, he balled his hands into fists, his face as angry as mine was. "Don't even pretend like it surprises you, Ennis. If you won't give me what I need, I sure as hell am gonna find someone who will." I'd never seen him this angry before, and I had to admit it was a little frightenin'. I took a step away from him when he started towards me. "I gave up fuckin' everythin', Ennis. I ain't got nothin' left but you, and I ain't even hardly got that. What've you ever done for me, huh, Ennis? When have I ever asked you to do anythin' for me? I give up my whole damn life and come here wantin' to make a new life with you, and you won't budge a fuckin' inch! You're fuckin' unbelievable, Ennis! Your life ain't worth a pile of shit, but you won't give it up for me! Give me one fuckin' reason why I shouldn't leave!"

I didn't have nothin' to say to that. What was there I could say? And so I just stood there, starin' at him with his eyes bright with tears and his face covered in anger. He finally turned away from me and grabbed his shirt up off the floor, shovin' the door open and slammin' it behind him. I watched through the screen as he climbed into his truck, and drove away.

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I leaned against the wall, my hand pressed against my face, swearin' softly under my breath. "Jack…" Any minute now, he was gonna come rollin' back down the lane; we'd apologize for everythin' we'd said and done, and we'd embrace, laugh, cry, kiss, and everythin' would be all right again…we'd hold each other until the pain went away and we were whole again. He had to come back. Jack always came back.

After an hour had passed, I finally realized that Jack Twist was not goin' to come back.

I slid down the wall and held my head in my hands, cryin' like I'd never cried before. "Jack…my Jack…" What right did he have to ask me to give up my life? We weren't the same, him and me—he'd always been so reckless, not carin' about what would be the consequences for whatever he did. But I cared about things like that. I couldn't just give up everythin' I had on a whim. That didn't make me any worse a person than he was. I had my priorities in order. I knew what to expect outta life. Jack didn't. He'd never been realistic. I wasn't gonna let him pull me into a life that had no hope of a future. I knew what my life was here, and I was comfortable. There was no reason to give it up, not if I didn't have to. He had no right…

"What've you ever done for me, huh, Ennis? When have I ever asked you to do anythin' for me?"

"Never," I said softly. "You never wanted anythin' from me but a life together…"

"I give up my whole damn life and come here wantin' to make a new life with you, and you won't budge a fuckin' inch! Your life ain't worth a pile of shit, but you won't give it up for me!"

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

"Jack…Christ, Jack…why do you make me feel like this? I don't want to feel like this…" But I could only lie to myself for so long. It was near dawn when I got up and dressed, and went out to my truck; I headed into town and asked around, but no one had seen a man fittin' the description I gave. For a while, I just drove around, feelin' like my heart had been torn outta my chest. And then it struck me where he'd probably gone.

I drove as fast as I dared, prayin' to God that Jack would be there, and wonderin' if God would even listen to prayers from a man like me. But I kept prayin', and I kept drivin', and my heart was in my throat. I nearly whooped with relief when I pulled down onto the drive and saw his truck there, with him standin' down near the river.

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

He turned to look at me as I climbed outta the truck and said, "Knew I'd find you here." He turned back around, and I felt my throat tighten with the beginnin's of despair. "Me an' you, we got some talkin' to do, Twist."

"I ain't got nothin' more to say to you." I could barely hear his voice, but I could hear the anger and the sadness in it.

"I don't want it to end like this, Jack. Christ, I don't want it to end at all!"

He still wouldn't look at me, and his voice was no louder than before when he said, "Well maybe I do. Maybe I'm tired of all this. Tired of waitin' for you to decide what we're gonna do, and when we're gonna do it. Maybe I'm tired of wonderin' if you're ever gonna be brave enough to take a chance with me. You ever think about that, Ennis? You ever think I might not wait for you forever? 'Cause I won't. I'm done waitin'. It's now or never, boy. I ain't gonna wait no more."

And you've earned the right to demand that, I guess. I sure as hell haven't. I couldn't think of what to say, though, and I saw his shoulders slump slightly, as if all the hope in the world was drainin' outta him. I walked slowly forward and put my arms around him, pullin' him tight against me. I gently kissed the side of his face, and tasted his tears against my lips.

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of me...

Softly, I said, "I saw a piece of land, not too far from here…I was thinkin' we might be able to turn it into a nice ranch…"

He smiled slightly, movin' to press his face closer to mine. "Sounds like a pretty good idea, cowboy."


Pretty much fluff, but I think it was important to see Ennis's side. Thanks again to Leilia for the idea! I've got the rest of the fic planned out now: next chapter is going to be what the whole fic was intended to be in the first place, and the two chapters after…well, you'll have to be patient, won't you? As always, reviews are loved.

:>