REBIRTH
EPISODE NINETEEN
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry
Every Time (Britney Spears)
Hudson dashed at the silent tears that continued to fall nonstop down her cheeks. She was trying not to think, to just concentrate on driving and getting her dad home. But even blocking out the thoughts and memories, pushing them back into a dark corner of her mind where she didn't have to deal with them, the tears still came. She couldn't make them stop.
Her dad slept beside her. Going on three hours now. She didn't know if he was unconscious or simply in a very deep sleep, and it scared her. The human body wasn't meant to take the beating that she'd given him, no matter what Jor-El might have done for him, and if only she hadn't been wearing that damn ring, then –
"Don't think about it," she whispered, forcing her hands to relax against the steering wheel before she inadvertently crushed it. "Don't think. Don't… Just drive."
She turned the music on softly, concentrating on the rhythm and ignoring the words of the songs that played. The countryside around her was encased in darkness, the last lights from Salina having faded long ago. Sometimes she enjoyed simply driving, taking her time getting from one place to another, actually noticing the scenery as opposed to zipping past it. And tonight… well, it gave her something to occupy her mind. Open spaces, rolling hills, the dark shapes of cattle dotting the little valleys, hovering near fences. This was home for her, for so long it had been all she'd known but now… now she couldn't help but feel like an intruder. Like maybe she didn't belong or fit in any longer, too tainted, stained –
"Stop it!" She whispered angrily to herself.
"H.C.?"
Hudson turned at her dad's voice to see him waking, struggling to sit up straighter in the seat. "H-how do you feel?"
"Tired." He ran a hand over his face slowly before giving her a small smile. "But I'm all right. Don't worry about me, honey."
She tried to nod in response but it didn't come out right. More tears fell because she knew very well who's fault this was. "I'm sorry, Daddy," she whispered. "I'm so sorry for the trouble I've caused and… the baby."
Sighing softly, he turned to face her. "H.C., this isn't your fault. None of this is. Not the past three months, not what happened to the baby – "
Her vision was getting blurry. Hudson swiped the tears away with her arm, sobbing once as she shook her head in disagreement.
"Honey." Jonathan moved closer. "We all make mistakes. God knows when you came to me with the truth, I should have reacted differently. I should have listened, should have understood your fear, your reasons. I should have been there, H.C., but I wasn't. You scared me, and I responded the way I did because of it. As your father, I should have been there for you. Not turned my back on you."
With his words, she only cried harder because she knew it wasn't true. He'd always been a good father to her, he'd always done the right thing – she was the one who had disappointed and hurt him, and her mom. She didn't think; as usual, she believed she knew what was best. But that hadn't been the case. It was rarely the case.
Realizing the state she was in, her dad made her pull the truck over to the side of the road to park, and then pulled her into his arms while she cried. He petted her hair and assured her that everything would be all right, even as her head shook in denial against him. She could feel the dust from their battle still clinging to his jacket and it made her shake; she'd almost killed him, Jonathan Kent, the man who'd taken in an orphan, an alien, and gave her a home and a family. She remembered hating him so much, hating everything he represented, hating what she knew he wanted to take away from her. And she couldn't blame it on the rock, not when she remembered, not when she could recall exactly how those emotions felt within her, and where they came from.
"Hey." Her dad pulled back, reaching up to wipe her tears away. "We're almost home. And if I know your mother, she's pacing the floor, waiting to hear from me."
Nodding, Hudson brushed her fingers over her eyes and turned back to the steering wheel, pulling the truck back onto the deserted highway. Silence descended once more, her dad slumping slightly against the passenger side door, as if he'd used up all of his strength to talk to her, console her. Hudson focused her attention on the path in front of her once more, silently telling herself to take one day at a time. Get through tonight, then she could face tomorrow. Her gaze flickered to the sign welcoming her to Smallville, and then back to the road once more.
It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like home.
By the time she pulled up the driveway to the farm, Hudson's hands were shaking again. She ignored the sign that said the place would be up for auction in a few days, and instead concentrated on the warm lights coming from the windows of the house. Lights she may have never seen again if her dad hadn't come for her. Lights she really didn't deserve to look upon.
"Dad." She turned off the truck and glanced over at him, face flushing. "Daddy, I… about those things I said to you back in Metropolis. What I said I did – "
"H.C.," he cut her off, expression tightening for just a moment before reaching out to touch her knee. "That wasn't you. When you put that ring on… " He stopped and shook his head. "You're home now. What happened these past few months… none of it matters."
She wanted to believe that, and maybe her dad could, but she was the one who had to live with the memories. She glanced down at her outfit, grimacing slightly at the sight she knew she presented.
"Here." Jonathan shrugged out of his jacket and handed it to her. "We don't need to worry your mother anymore than she already is, huh?"
Forcing a smile, Hudson took the offered clothing gratefully and slipped it on.
Sliding out of the truck, she moved over to the other side to help her dad, giving him a shoulder to lean on as they made their way up to the house. Mentally, she counted the steps along the path – twenty, the same as she remembered. The second step creaked beneath her weight as they climbed up to the porch; a nail was coming loose from one of the boards in front of the welcome mat; mosquitoes and gnats buzzed around the light fixture. These were the things Hudson concentrated on. The scent of the flower bed beneath the railing, the painting that was peeling off of the front door, the tired and heavy footfalls of her dad beside her. The 'here and now' was something she could handle.
As she opened the door, Hudson felt her eyes tear up once more. The scents and the warmth from inside were the same as she remembered and yet, everything was so very different. Boxes were stacked around the front room and hallway, sheets protectively covering some of the furniture. There were empty spaces on the walls where pictures of their family and friends should have been hanging. This wasn't home; it was simply a bad fabrication.
"Hudson?"
She looked up at the voice to see her mom staring at her from the kitchen doorway, eyes wide with disbelief.
"Mom…"
Her dad pushed her slightly, urging her forward. Knees weak, Hudson took a few steps into the room and then her mother was holding her, and they were both crying.
"Oh, Hudson," her mom whispered, arms tightening around her, fingers brushing her hair.
"Mommy..." Hudson closed her eyes, sobbing harder as she realized how much she'd missed her mom; her warm touch, the scent of sunshine and cinnamon that was always present in her hair. When she thought about how much pain she'd caused this woman who loved her so much, she felt like she was breaking apart inside. "I'm so sorry, Mommy," she cried. "For everything – for hurting you, for the baby –"
"No, honey. No." She shushed her and pulled her down on to the couch with her. "None of it was your fault. I never blamed you."
"But you wanted the baby so much… "
"Oh, sweetheart." Martha pulled back and cupped her face to hold her gaze. "Yes, we wanted the baby. But do you realize how much more important you are to us? You're the reason we're a family, Hudson – you made us a family. You're so very special to us; we love you so very much. Please believe that. Losing you… it's something I never want to go through again."
Hudson didn't know how to reply to that. She wanted to believe her, but all she could think of was the pain she'd caused her parents over and over again. Nothing she ever did was right. As if sensing this, her mom pulled her back into her arms again, holding her tight.
"I'm so glad to have you back, sweetheart," she whispered. "We missed you so very – Jonathan!"
Turning away from her mom, Hudson looked back to see her dad collapse into a chair, grunting slightly as he hit the seat. She stood with her mom, moving over to his side.
"What happened?" Martha asked, brushing her fingers through Jonathan's hair, her gaze suddenly sweeping over his clothing. Her gaze moved to Hudson for answers.
"Whatever Jor-El did to him must have been too much for his body to handle," she offered softly.
"Jor-El!" Martha turned back to Jonathan, a quick flicker of disapproval flashing in her eyes.
Jonathan reached out and touched his wife's hand. "The important thing is that Hudson is back home with us now," he told her. "Let's focus on that."
Hudson dropped her gaze, knowing that her mother was unhappy with her father's solution to bringing her home and that she wasn't going to just let it go. For that matter, Hudson couldn't bring herself to do that, either, not when she allowed herself to consider what could have happened
Not when she thought about everything that did happen.
None of this was happening. None of this was real.
He'd open his eyes and wake up in his own bed in the mansion and it will all have been a dream. He would get up and shower and put on his tux and prepare for his wedding to a woman who loved him, a woman who was honest with him, a woman who wanted him to be so much more than he was…
Lex opened his eyes, stared numbly at the glass of brandy his father was holding out to him. Not a dream, then. Every last fucking bit of it was real. Three months in hell only to make it home and find out that hell was of his own making.
"Take it, Lex. And put that gun down before you hurt someone."
Lex winced at the familiar condescending tone, knowing that his father was already lording this latest in his long line of never-ending mistakes over his head. This one – falling in love with Helen, with the very viper his father had warned him against – this was the coup de grace. He couldn't find much comfort in the fact that she'd successfully pulled off maneuvers that even Lionel hadn't guessed at, that she'd almost succeeded in killing a Luthor and getting away with it. That knowledge didn't quite blanket the humiliation and rage he found himself feeling at once more being sucked in to the clever lies and manipulations of a beautiful woman.
"Sit down, Lex. Before you fall down."
"Fuck you," came his reply, but he took the brandy and set the gun down and dropped onto the couch. Tipping back the glass, he drank quickly, the liquid burning fire down his throat. At least he could feel that much.
Beside him, Lionel regarded him with a faint smile of amusement. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Lex. Beautiful women are the deadliest of creatures," his father told him, echoing his own thoughts.
Lex stared at his empty hand, flexing his fingers. He hadn't noticed the calluses on his palm while on the island. But then, he hadn't noticed much on the island. Not even his apparent dementia. And wouldn't his father love hearing about that? Hey, dad! You were right all along! I'm emotionally weak and mentally unstable. Aren't you proud?
"Maybe this will teach you to start listening to your father."
It would be so easy to pick up that gun, point it at Lionel's head and pull the trigger. He was already listed as dead, so no one would think to pin the murder on him. He could just hide out the next few months, return later, grieve for the loss of his father, for not having the chance to say goodbye.
"Lex? What are you going to do?"
He blinked, pushing aside the murderous thoughts he knew he would never follow through with, and glanced over at his father. What was he going to do? Calculate the facts, first and foremost.
"You mentioned the blood sample. What happened to it?"
Lionel grew thoughtful, as if considering just how he wanted to reply to that question. That was something Lex needed to learn – stop reacting on instinct, stop blurting out the first thing that came to mind, ignore the emotions that raged through him. His father was never caught off-guard because he was always ten steps ahead of everyone; he thought each path through before taking it. It was why Lex would never be able to beat him, not until he learned how to play the game.
"She gave it to me, of course," he replied with a smile, as if it was understood that both his fiancée and his father were simply expected to be screwing him over. "It wasn't an inexpensive transaction, either. Her price continued to go up with every task. It's no wonder that she collected enough money to easily pull off her own husband's murder."
Lex thought he should feel something at those words, but he didn't. There was nothing. Just this cold emptiness seeping through him. He finished off the brandy and set the glass against the table with a loud clink. "Didn't anyone tell you it isn't cheap to set your son up nowadays? It takes money."
"Now, Lex. I only did what I did to teach you a lesson," Lionel countered. "I certainly didn't expect you to fall in love with her. Especially after your man caught us meeting in the park."
Lex couldn't stop himself from shooting his father a quick look.
Lionel smiled. "Of course I knew you were having me watched, Lex. It was the one thing that you did do right. I can't imagine what line Helen must have handed you to cause you to believe that she hadn't been meeting with me for her own nefarious purposes?"
He needed another drink.
Getting up, he walked over to his father's bar without a reply, noisily opening the decanter, sloshing the alcohol into his glass. He swallowed it back, gaze sweeping over the gaping hole behind his father's desk where there should have been a window. A warm late summer breeze wafted in through the opening, reminding him too much of the island.
"What happened? One of your board members give you bad news on the Luthorcorp stock?"
Lex heard the groan of the leather couch as his father stood behind him. "There was an unfortunate break-in earlier tonight."
Turning, Lex couldn't help but grin. "Another one? Pardon my honesty, Dad, but your security sucks."
Lionel shrugged, smiled a little. "It's interesting, actually. There was a vent on the outside of the building that had been literally ripped off of it's hinges. And then there's the window, and the skylight below, and the damage to the warehouse that is… well, unimaginable." Another shrug. "This wasn't your ordinary robbery."
Lex couldn't help but feel that his father was baiting him. He finished off the glass of brandy, and turned to pour another.
"Did you know Miss Kent ran away from home?"
Hudson.
Lex's heartbeat altered at the mention of her. His dreams on the island had been filled with her – belief that she would show up out of nowhere to rescue him, to tell him everything, to bring him home. His images of her and Helen never coexisted, as if the idea of one relating to the other was simply incompatible to his subconscious. Now, of course, he understood why. Even if his heart had never truly accepted the falsehood of Helen's deceit, his mind had. And for all that Hudson might have hurt him, for all that she lied and held him at bay and wouldn't share with him every part of her life, the fact of the matter was, she was always there for him. She would protect him, even when they were hurling hurtful words at one another and swearing to never speak again. It was yet another lesson as to how easy the heart could be deluded. Feelings were not to be trusted; knowledge and intuition were all that mattered.
"I haven't exactly had time to get caught up on my reading of the Smallville Ledger," he finally commented wryly to his father. His head ached; everything ached. He was so tired, all he wanted to do was sleep for a few days but he couldn't let his guard down yet. It wasn't safe.
"She left the day of your wedding," Lionel continued behind him. "No one has been able to find her."
Was there a point to all of this? Lex wasn't ready for his father's game just yet, for second-guessing every word his father spoke, reading between the lines, bantering cutting replies back and forth. He reached up to squeeze the bridge of his nose, close his eyes, and think. Why would Hudson run away?
"It's all a bit of a coincidence." His father was beside him now, pouring another glass of brandy.
"What is?"
"The disappearance of Miss Kent, the strange robberies that have been occurring all of the city – a masked being that can walk through a volley of bullets without harm."
Lex opened his eyes and the room around him titled suddenly. He reached out to grasp the edge of the bar, not caring when his felt his father place a hand against his back, steadying him.
"Lex?"
"I'm… fine."
He ignored the buzzing in his ears, ignored his father's insinuations, ignored his own nagging curiosity that was begging to know more about the tale his father was weaving. But he'd do that on his own, when he had the chance. Not now, with Lionel watching his every move, noting his every expression.
"We should get you cleaned up, changed and rested," Lionel told him, patting his shoulder once before moving to his desk and picking up the phone. "I'll call ahead to the penthouse. Then we'll discuss what we're going to do about that treacherous wife of yours."
Lex wanted to tell him to fuck off, that he could handle it himself, he could handle everything himself, but at the moment, his mind was too clouded. Hudson was missing, the woman he thought loved him wanted him dead, his own father had paved the path that almost led to his demise…
They're all against you, Lex, a familiar voice whispered across his mind. They hate you; they want you out of the way. I'm the only one you can trust. You haven't accept that yet, but you will...
Hudson didn't sleep that night. She couldn't.
Terrified of the dreams to come, determined to keep her mind focused on other things, she laid curled on her side, staring at the boxes piled in her room. Everything personal in her life packed away neatly. She couldn't bear to open them, to look through them; she felt safer knowing that she had no idea what was where. She could almost pretend that nothing had happened, that her life was starting that moment, in that bare room, on that very night.
Almost.
Her parents hadn't wanted her out of their sight. Mom made her hot chocolate and kept touching her hair, hugging her, holding her hand. Her dad had been mostly quiet, watching from the chair where he rested, smiling at her when she caught his gaze. They hovered over her like they were afraid she would disappear again, like their mere presence might be able to keep her there. Enough love, enough assurances, and everything would simply go away.
But it didn't work like that, did it?
Sitting up, Hudson reached for the clothes her mom laid out for her just before bed, apologizing that everything was packed. Jeans, t-shirt, too worn tennis shoes. She ran her fingers over the denim, remembering how quickly she'd tossed similar clothes away when she left for Metropolis. She wanted to be seen, to be noticed, to be someone else. Whoever said clothes do not make the man hadn't ever wanted to be someone else.
She dressed quietly and made her way out of the bedroom, careful to avoid the loose boards in the hallway and staircase as she moved downstairs. It was just before sunrise, and she could hear her parents beginning to stir in their room. She didn't wish to disturb them, or send her mom scurrying to the kitchen to begin breakfast for her; she didn't want to be any more of an inconvenience to them than she already felt.
Pushing the back door open, she jogged down the steps into the yard, uneasy with the silence that stretched out across the farm. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She should be able to hear the cattle lowing in the pasture, Lady stomping around in her stall, AJ barking a welcome as he ran up to meet her. There was a soft morning breeze that caused the wind chimes behind her to tinkle faintly, and in a few hours she would be able to hear the lull of the bees buzzing around the flowers and the birds in the trees, but none of those sounds signaled home.
So much was missing.
The door to the barn groaned on it's hinges as she pushed it open, the smell of stale hay and old manure assaulting her. Something skittered across the floor to her right, startling her. She laughed nervously, wondering how someone like her could be scared of a little mouse. She was on edge, every nerve in her body signaling that there was something wrong, that nothing was right. Quietly she climbed the steps to the loft – her loft – and looked around.
Something glittering between the slats of the floor just ahead caught her eye. Brow furrowed, she moved forward and crouched down to investigate, reaching her fingers into the space between the two boards to grab at the object. Slowly, she withdrew it, staring as the light from the rising sun winked off of the gold heart-shaped locket.
"Do you remember when we first met?... I remember looking up into the face of an angel. Your dark hair was even surrounded by the sunlight, just like a halo. I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven."
"No… " The whispered plea broke over the silence of the barn as everything that Hudson realized was missing swept over her.
Lex.
Lex was…
"NO!"
Screaming the denial of what she knew, she slammed her fist into the floor beneath her, the boards crumbling under the impact to scatter below.
"I have something important to do… "
"More important than being here for me?"
She threw herself into the boxes beside her, tossing them away – over the railing, through a wall to the yard outside; she kicked the old couch in two, ripped a leg off of her desk and used it to beat another hole into the floor. The anger continued to build within her, but no matter how much she destroyed around her, no matter how many things she smashed and shattered, it didn't make the pain go away. It grew until it began to overwhelm her, until her mind was clouded with the words they spoke to one another, the last thing she ever said to him…
Hudson snuck into the church through the back door, making her way down the hall to the small rooms where the wedding party was getting ready. She looked through the walls, tip-toeing by the room where Helen and her bridesmaids were gathered, before finally finding Lex's room. He was alone, which was what she had come to expect of him. She hated it, but his well-being seemed to be out of her hands now.
She knocked lightly, letting herself in at the sound of Lex's call. He turned to face her as she shut the door, smiling in greeting, his face registering surprise.
"Angel. Shouldn't you be getting dressed? I don't recall listing jeans and t-shirt as appropriate wedding attire," he teased.
Hudson smiled at that, silent for a moment as her gaze drifted over him, so beautiful in his tuxedo. "You look… perfect," she told him, ignoring his question.
"Perfect?" He arched an eyebrow at that in disbelief. "While I don't believe you… thank you."
Shrugging slightly, she moved forward and reached up to adjusted his tie, which wasn't really out of place, but it gave her something to do, allowed her to touch him. "Helen's a lucky woman."
His fingers moved over her cheek. "I'm the lucky one," he told her.
Hudson knew he wasn't talking about Helen. She bit her lip and played at smoothing his lapel. "Lex, look, I… "
"What is it?" Lex prompted as she hesitated. "Don't like the dress I picked out for you? It's better than the one Helen had in mind – I promise!"
She shook her head and finally lifted her eyes to his. "No. It's… I'm sure it's perfect. Lex, I… I have to go. I can't be here today. I can't be here for your wedding."
The mask that fell over his face was instantaneous. He stepped back, out of her reach.
"What are you talking about?" He demanded. "You promised. You said that you understood. That this marriage wouldn't – "
"It's not the marriage," she replied quickly. "It's not Helen or us or anything like that."
"What then?"
Her hands formed fists at her sides, nails biting into her palms. "I have something important to do…"
"More important than being here for me?"
Damn, Jor-El. Damn him to Hell!
"No." She shook her head and took a step toward him. "Nothing is more important to me than you, Lex, but this is something… I can't put it off."
"Is this your idea of getting back at me?" He asked, not listening to her. "Promise you'll be here, promise that you accept my decision and then turn around and screw me over first chance?"
"No, it's not like that – "
"I thought you were more mature than this, Hudson!" Lex snapped, turning away to pace in the confined space of the room. "I thought our friendship might be able to survive this – "
"You can't possibly base our friendship on my not being able to attend your wedding?" She asked in shock.
"You're not just attending my wedding, dammit! You're supporting me, showing your approval by standing up there beside me – all of which meant something to me, Hudson. And I thought it meant something to you, too."
Hudson closed her eyes and turned away. She couldn't tell him, she couldn't make him understand that what she had to do was important for all of them. If she didn't destroy the ship now, Jor-El might hurt him, her parents, everyone she loved. But deep inside, she knew that Lex would accept no explanation. She knew what her being there meant to him; she knew she was all he had.
"It does, Lex," she replied finally. "But… I have to do this. It can't wait."
"You're so fucking selfish, Hudson. Everything has to be about you."
She spun around at that, staring at him in shock. "I'm selfish? Take a look at yourself once in while. Think about how stupid it was of you to ask me to do this in the first place!"
His gaze darkened. "If that's the way you feel about it, then maybe it's best that you aren't here. This wedding is special to me. I wouldn't want you ruining that."
She couldn't help but hurt at his words, and reacted in response to them. "I hate you."
Lex blew out a half breath at that, smiling contemptuously. "Yeah, well. Once a Kent, always a Kent."
It was a low cut; especially when she'd spent so much of the last two years proving to him that she didn't see him the way everyone else did, like her father did.
Fighting tears and anger at his remark, she yanked the door open, her parting words trailing behind her:
"Maybe you should do us all a favor, and not bother coming back from your honeymoon!"…
By the time her parents reached the loft, the damage had already been done. Hudson was curled in the corner, sobs wracking her body, the necklace still clutched between her fingers. Martha immediately ran to her daughter, touching her, asking her what was wrong, while Jonathan surveyed the damage silently.
"Sweetheart. Shhhhh. Don't do this." Her mom pulled her into her embrace, rocking her gently. "Hudson, please tell me what's wrong? What happened?"
"He's gone! He's gone! Lex is dead and he's never coming back!" She sobbed, burying her face against her mother's neck, wishing for the ring. Wanting it back more than anything.
Martha glanced up at Jonathan and they exchanged a quick look before he knelt down behind Hudson and rubbed his hand over her back.
"I'm so sorry, Hudson," her mom whispered, holding her tighter, kissing her temple. "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this."
"I was so awful to him," she cried. " I said… I said I didn't want him to come back from his honeymoon!" Her sobbing grew in pitch; Martha could barely hold on to her as her body trembled.
"H.C., Lex would know you'd never mean something like that," Jonathan replied gently.
Hudson shook her head against her mother's shoulder. "No! You don't understand – I was supposed to be there for him, and I wasn't! I never was! I lied to him and I pushed him away because of it and oh god, I'm never going to hear his voice again. I'm never going to see his smile! I'm never going to hug him again or tease him for driving too fast! He's dead and I told him I hated him and I should have been there – I should have saved him!"
"Honey, even if you hadn't had a fight, you still couldn't have saved him," her dad reasoned. "Even if you hadn't left for Metropolis. What happened to Lex is not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it."
But there was. She could have told him the truth from the beginning. She could have been honest with him, told him how much she needed him, and Lex would have protected her. He never would have let her out of his sight. Helen would have never been an issue because he never would have noticed her. If Hudson had trusted him, like she should have, then Lex would still be alive.
Martha looked over at Jonathan and told him quietly, "Why don't you go in and get breakfast ready? I'll bring Hudson along and get her cleaned up, and then we can decide to do with this mess. Hmm?"
Nodding, Jonathan squeezed his daughter's shoulder gently before getting to his feet and leaving the loft. Once he was gone, Martha pried Hudson away from her gently. She tenderly wiped the tears from her cheeks and cupped her face between her hands.
"Sweetheart, I know it hurts. And I know you're going to blame yourself for everything that happened, no matter what we say. I wish I could tell you it's going to get better, but we both know it's going to take time, don't we?"
"I love him so much, Mom," she told her, more tears spilling over her cheeks.
"I know. I know, Hudson." Martha brushed her hair back, smoothing the tangles. "You need to concentrate on that love you have for him, and you need to remember all of the wonderful times you had together, how happy you made him. Remember his first Christmas here in Smallville?"
Hudson nodded, hiccupping once. "Y-yes. We played in the s-snow and then I fell asleep on the c-couch. You… you let me stay longer than I should have."
"Mmhmmm." She smiled. "And there was your first trip with him to Metropolis for 'Phantom of the Opera', when Chloe decided to play sick."
Her eyes widened. "You knew about that?"
"There are few things a mother doesn't know, sweetheart."
Hudson closed her eyes, her body leaning against her mom's. "I just want to see him again, Mom," she told her softly. "I want to tell him I love him, that I'll always love him and that it doesn't matter if he loves someone else, just as long as I know he's safe and happy."
"Then maybe you should tell him that."
Hudson lifted her head and frowned at her mom. "What?"
"Sometimes, the only way we can get over the loss of someone we love, is to let them go," Martha explained. "You need to let Lex go, Hudson. You need to goodbye to him, and let him go. Or you're never going to stop hurting like this."
Shaking her head slightly, knowing she could never do such a thing, Hudson buried her face against her mother's shoulder and clung to her. She could never admit to her that she longed to have the red Kryptonite back, that she was tempted to look for some, to leave again, to lose herself completely. To not remember.
Facing life as Kaela-El was be much easier than facing life without Lex.
After a quiet family breakfast, Martha put the dishes away and she suggested that they take a trip into town. Hudson knew it was her mother's attempt to get her mind off of things, but she didn't have the heart to point out that mere distractions weren't going to help her forget about what was missing from her life. Her mom seemed so happy to have her back, and obviously wanted to help her, and she found she just couldn't say no.
She sat quietly in the cab of the truck, staring at the passing scenery as her mother sighed beside her, occasionally making comments that Hudson barely responded to. When they passed the Simpson farm, Hudson recalled that Lex had pulled over into the woods across from their barn late one night when they were out driving. He'd spent the next hour showing her the difficulties and fun of sex in a tiny sports car. She remembered he'd teased her about being so limber, and how handy such a thing was in a girlfriend. She'd blushed to the roots of her hair, and then forgot everything when he pulled her onto his lap and thrust up inside of her.
Leaning her forehead against the window, her gaze drifted over the shoulder beside the road as they sped past the cornfields belonging to the Peterson's. It was where they'd first danced; where Lex had pulled up in his Porsche, having found her walking along the road in her ruined Homecoming dress. He'd been so new to her, then; a little terrifying, a little mysterious, so very charming and larger-than-life. It had been inconceivable to her that someone as worldly and gorgeous as Lex Luthor would have bothered to waste more than two words on her after the day at the bridge. He had surprised her, though, showering her with more attention than maybe he should have, teaching her self-confidence and strength, showing her a world she would have never experienced without his presence in her life. She could still feel the warmth of his arms as he'd pulled her into an embrace that night along the road, the headlights from his car washing over them, the music breaking the stillness of the countryside. She'd never been held by anyone the way Lex held her when they danced. She felt so safe in his arms, so alive.
Alive. Lex. He was supposed to be alive!
"…. the apartment."
Hudson sucked in a sharp breath, dashing quickly at the lone tear that escaped before turning her attention to her mom. "I'm sorry. What?"
Martha glanced over at her daughter sympathetically. "Are you all right, sweetheart?"
She tried to force a smile but her mouth trembled. "No," she replied honestly.
Her mom reached over and touched her hand, squeezing her fingers gently. "I was just saying how the apartment above the Talon is small, but everything is going to be okay. Your dad is going to try to get a job at the Plant, and I've talked to Nell about working at the flower shop."
"Dad would work for Lionel Luthor?"
"He'll do what it takes to take care of our family, H.C."
She shook her head. "It's not right. I… I'm sorry, Mom. This is all my fault."
"No, it isn't," Martha replied firmly. "If you have to blame anyone, then blame Jor-El. You were reacting out of fear, H.C. You're young; you didn't know what else to do. I understand. I ran away myself once."
Hudson's eyes widened. "You did?"
"Yes. When I was fifteen." Her mom smiled. "My father wouldn't let me date the boy I liked, so I decided that I'd had enough of having my parents tell me what I could or couldn't do. I was going to make my own choices from then on."
"Sounds familiar," Hudson commented quietly; she'd considered those same thoughts when it came to Lex.
Lex.
Shaking his name from her mind, she glanced back over at her mother. "What happened?"
"My dad found me at the bus station. I was grounded for the next six months."
"Ouch." Hudson winced slightly in sympathy. "Thanks for… not doing the same to me."
Martha laughed softly. "Yes, well, the space in the apartment will be a little confined to have you cooped up for six months straight."
Hudson nodded, knowing her mother was trying to lighten the mood but unable to find a smile for her. "Mom?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Do you… " She worried her lower lip a moment and tried again. "Do you think I'll ever feel the same again? I mean, happy. Or… safe. Or… like me?"
Her mom was silent for a moment, expression thoughtful as she pulled into a parking space along Main Street. She turned to Hudson, reaching out to tuck an errant strand of her hair behind her ear and gave her a warm smile.
"I think you're strong, Hudson Kent. It's going to take time, yes, but I believe it's in your nature to be happy. Or at least want to be happy." She pulled Hudson against her, hugging her tightly. "If I could make everything that's happened to you the last few months go away, I would, sweetheart."
"I know, Mom," Hudson whispered, closing her eyes as she rested within her mother's protective embrace. She wanted to believe that she would be happy again someday, but she just didn't see how it was possible. And if she spent the rest of her life feeling like this, wouldn't she just bring the people around her down as well?
"I need to run into the hardware store and pick up some more packing tape," Martha told her, pulling away and grabbing her purse. "Do you want to come with me?"
Hudson shook her head. "I should go see Lana."
"That's probably a good idea."
Martha opened the door, stopping suddenly and hovering as if she was going to say something else as Hudson climbed out of the opposite side of the cab. She apparently changed her mind because she shut the door behind her and moved to the sidewalk.
"I'll come get you when I'm done."
"Okay, Mom."
The Talon only had two customers, sharing a table in the corner, a couple that seemed so engaged in their quiet conversation they probably didn't know the world around them existed. Hudson stopped and watched them for a few moments; she and Lex had shared that exact table a few times, leaned across it, whispering secrets to one another that no one else could hear. Sometimes, in the beginning, she would be doing her homework and he would just sit across from her, silently, watching her, pretending to read the Wall Street Journal. He'd help her if she asked, but usually his presence was so damned distracting she never actually got anything done. All she could ever think about was how good he smelled and how perfect he looked and how she was the luckiest girl in the whole world…
She choked back a sudden sob and turned away from the couple, eyes quickly searching the room for Lana. Her friend was standing at the bar, watching her warily, and Hudson realized that was something else she had to deal with; her treatment of Lana in Metropolis.
Taking a deep breath, she moved forward, forcing a smile to her face. "Hi, Lana."
Lana made an attempt at returning the smile, though it came out as more of a grimace. "Hi."
"I'm back."
"I see."
Hudson leaned against the counter. "I… thank you for coming to look for me. For taking such a chance like that. I mean, my dad wouldn't have found me if it wasn't for you."
"You're welcome," Lana replied quietly, picking up a dish rag to sweep across the surface of the bar. "I'm… I'm just glad you're okay. And that you're home, where you belong."
There was a dark bruise around Lana's wrist, and Hudson knew she had put it there. She winced as she remembered grabbing her in the nightclub, pulling her close and kissing her hard. She wasn't an idiot; she knew that Lana's feelings for her went beyond that of friendship, and she'd taken advantage of that, hurt her on purpose. And there was really no way to make up for such behavior.
"Lana, I'm sorry for what I did, how I treated you," she began softly, meeting her friend's gaze.
Lana shook her head. "No. It wasn't you, Hudson. I know that. You don't have anything to apologize for."
But she did. Hudson just didn't believe she could convince Lana or her parents that she couldn't put all of the blame on the red Kryptonite. Not when there were still feelings roiling around within her that she shouldn't be feeling, when she remembered every act she committed with startling and terrifying clarity. That had to mean there was some free will within her while wearing the ring, right? That person she'd become… It only happened because Kaela resided within her, and Hudson didn't think she was going to just go away.
She jumped slightly when Lana's hand descended over hers. "How are you doing?" Her friend asked softly.
Hudson shook her head and looked away. "I keep… expecting him to walk through the door. Or hear one of his cars speeding down the street. Or – "
"I know." Lana caressed her fingers gently. "Me, too."
More tears. Hudson wondered if she would ever be able to stop crying, to think of him without this pain lodging deep inside of her, suffocating her. She brushed the tears away and laughed without humor. "My parents have lost their home and I'm crying over my ex-boyfriend. How silly is that?"
"Not at all. Hudson, Lex meant everything to you."
"Did he?" She titled her head slightly as she glanced at Lana. "If that's true, why did I spend our entire friendship lying to him?"
"Hudson, that question isn't fair to you. You can't blame yourself for that. When you were ready, you would have told him."
"So, you're saying that time just ran out?"
Lana shrugged a little, frowning. "Maybe."
Hudson didn't reply. The truth of the matter was she'd never given Lex the trust that he deserved. And now, she would never have the chance to do so.
Hudson asked her mom to drop her off at the mansion. Martha had hesitated at first, asking if she really believed she was ready for that. But Hudson knew it was now or never; she had to make her peace with Lex, with her loss of him, before… well, before she made other decisions about her life.
She tried not to think too much about the choices ahead of her.
Slowly she made her way down the driveway, hugging herself, ignoring the sight of the garage around the side of the mansion, where all of Lex's cars were housed. She could imagine them covered under tarps, waiting to be sold or simply never driven again. A part of her longed to go in there, see them, touch them, picture each and every time she'd seen Lex driving them around town. They probably still smelled like him, the scent of his cologne clinging to the leather interiors; or his fading fingerprints on the doors and windows.
Forcing herself ahead, Hudson was soon standing at the front door, lifting her hand to the bell. She waited and worried her lower lip and peered in through the stained glass to see if she'd been heard. After a few minutes of waiting, she cautiously turned the knob and pushed the door open, not surprised to find it unlocked; security had always been lax around the Luthor estate, Sam's sleeping habits not withstanding.
"Hello?" She called out softly, flinching a little when she realized her voice sounded terribly loud and lonely in the empty hall.
When there was no response, she closed the door behind her and quietly made the familiar walk down the hallway. Past the antique table that once belonged to Marie Antoinette, or so Lex claimed; he swore up and down that she and Louis XVI had sex on that very table, quite often. She believed him for a time, right up to the point when he suggested they do the same. Then she'd decided he was as full of it as usual. She stopped and stared down at the table and suddenly wished she'd agreed to his proposition.
"God, Lex," she whispered, making her feet turn and continue on their way.
When she reached her destination, Hudson hovered outside the doors to the study, feelings of uncertainty assailing her. She didn't know if she could just walk in there and deal with not seeing Lex sitting behind his desk, flashing her a brief expression of annoyance as she interrupted one of his business calls. She didn't know if she could handle not challenging him to a game of pool or curling up on the couch with a book while he worked at his computer. Hudson realized that she'd even take sitting down with both Lex and Helen to share a meal, if only to see him again, to hear his voice and his laugh and see that heartbreakingly beautiful smile one more time. It wasn't too much to ask, was it?
With slight trepidation, she opened the doors to the study and stepped inside.
It was colder than she remembered and… different. There were vases of flowers littering the end tables, the bar, Lex's desk. The surfaces were disorderly – papers and books scattered here and there, an opened envelope on the arm of the couch, a crumpled tissue on the coffee table. Lex was a neat freak, everything around him always organized and spotless, even when he was hard at work. It was why Hudson had jumped in so readily to help him pick up after the tornado; she knew he was probably going nuts having his life scattered to the four winds like that.
Moving forward, Hudson found herself reaching out to touch his desk, running her fingers over the smooth glass top.
"Hudson, I have work to do."
"Lexxxx, you always have work to do. All work and no play make Lex a dull boy, remember?" She pulled his chair back from the desk and stood in front of him. "It's summer, I'm sixteen and I have the most gorgeous boyfriend on earth. I want to play!"
Lex smirked up at her, hands settling on her hips as he pulled her between his legs. "Is that so?"
She nodded and sighed and blushed a little at the way he was looking at her.
"Well, it sounds like a perfectly plausible excuse to put these reports aside for the next few hours."
She squealed as he suddenly stood, lifting her to sit up on the desk, the glass cold against the back of her bare thighs.
"Now, the question remains, just what am I going to do with you?" He asked with a leer, warm fingers sliding between her legs, curving beneath the edge of her shorts.
She giggled and told him, "I'm sure you can think of something imaginative," before pulling him in to a deep kiss…
Hudson was on her knees, head buried in her arms as she leaned against the desk, shaking. The thoughts of him wouldn't go away, of every moment they spent together, every word said. She couldn't handle this; she didn't understand how anyone could expect her to do so. Lex was everywhere around her, he permeated her very soul. She couldn't simply mourn him, forget about him and go on with her life. Especially with the way things stood between them those last moments together. Mistakes that she would never be able to correct.
"I'm sorry, Lex," she whispered, rubbing the tears she shed against the back of her hands. "I wish I understood what happened between us. I wish… I wish I hadn't left it the way I did. I was selfish and stupid and you deserved so much more than that from me. I just… " She exhaled a slow breath, blurry-eyed gaze focused on tile beneath her. "I want you to know I love you. I'll always love you. And I miss you. And if there were any way to make things better, I'd do it, just to have you back"
"Excuse me?"
Hudson jumped to her feet at the voice, spinning around to find Lex's widow standing just inside the doors, frowning at her. As their eyes met, Helen's expression changed slightly, a smile appearing. Hudson wiped her tears away quickly, feeling foolish and angry. Angry because she wanted her time alone to say goodbye to Lex, the man she loved – the husband of the woman who stood before her.
"Dr. Bryce… I'm… sorry for intruding."
"Hudson," Helen greeted, moving into the study, walking straight toward her. "My god, I didn't know you were back. I thought your parents couldn't find you."
"They, uh, they did."
"I'm glad." She stopped much too close, and reached out, touching Hudson's arm. "You had everyone worried. And please, call me Helen."
"I… had some things to sort out," Hudson replied, stepping to the side, hoping to make her way out of the study but Helen had her effectively trapped. So she stood there, and waited.
Helen nodded. "I understand." She took a breath and looked around the room before bringing her gaze back to Hudson. "You were here to try to find some small part of Lex that might still exist, weren't you? I know. I do it every day – walk in here, expecting to see him on the phone or drinking a glass of scotch beside the fireplace. This place is so… empty without him."
"So why don't you sell it?" Hudson hadn't meant for the words to sound as petulant and perturbed as they did.
The woman's expression wavered slightly, a cross between a smile and a frown, and then she shrugged. "I guess I prefer to hold on to his presence."
That didn't sound right, but Hudson didn't say anything.
"I am glad to see you," she continued. "I mean, we can both admit that Lex wasn't the most popular man in Smallville. It's nice to have someone nearby who understands how much I miss him."
Actually, she didn't understand anything. Or, she didn't want to. Being faced with the woman Lex chose to marry over being with her day in and day out was something Hudson didn't believe she could stand. She had this irrational desire to reach out and choke the life out of her, and for as much as she'd never liked Helen, always seen her as an unnecessary intrusion in their lives, she certainly had never considered harming her. Was it a lingering affect of the red Kryptonite? Or something that had always been festering deep inside of her, and the ring had only allowed it to surface?
"You really love Helen, don't you?"
"Yes, Hudson. I do."
"More than you loved me?"
"That question isn't fair, and you know it. My love for her is different from what I felt for you. One is quiet, gentle, unassuming. The other… threatened to consume me."
"You didn't want to love me."
"It had nothing to do with you, Hudson. I didn't like who I became because of my love for you. Helen wants to help me. To make me a better person."
"I think you're perfect the way you are…"
"I should probably get home," Hudson told her, slipping past Helen to move toward the door.
"Hudson, wait."
She stopped and turned, waiting for whatever it was Lex's widow wanted to say to her.
"I know we never had the chance to be close friends," Helen began, approaching her once more, closing in on her personal space. The air around her was thick with a heavy rose-scented perfume. "But, we both loved Lex. And I think it would be a nice tribute to his memory to try to be friends. I know it's something he'd want."
Hudson was about to deny the possibility of such a friendship, until Helen pointed out Lex's wishes. Yes, she knew that Lex would have preferred his wife and best friend be close, and maybe she wouldn't have walked away on such bad terms with him if she'd tried a little harder to make that happen. Was that what Helen was telling her?
"Did… did Lex say anything to you about me the day… the day of the wedding?"
"He said that you had something important to do and that you couldn't be a part of our wedding," Helen replied. "And it hurt him that you weren't there."
Hudson bit the inside of her lip. She wasn't going to cry in front of Helen. "If I could go back and change things, I would."
Helen nodded. "Yes, I know you would. Unfortunately, we can't change the past. All we can do is look ahead to the future. And I would very much like to be your friend, Hudson."
A brief memory of seeing Helen outside the nightclub, Atlantis, flickered through Hudson's mind. She considered the fact that it was owned by Morgan Edge, the man who had hired her to steal from Lionel Luthor. The package was in her room, tucked away in the corner out of sight. She still hadn't looked at it, afraid of whatever it was that was so important someone would actually take the chance of stealing it from Lionel. And now, she couldn't help but worry over the coincidence of Helen appearing at that exact nightclub.
Giving a non-committal nod, Hudson took another step back toward the door. "Sure. Uh, I really need to get home. We have a lot of packing and stuff to do."
"If I can help at all – "
"Goodbye, Dr. Bryce… er, Luthor."
Hudson hurried out the door and, once out of sight, sped away from the mansion.
Another night passed that left Hudson unable to sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Lex. She heard his voice, and smelled his clothes and cologne and the brandy on his breath. She'd drift off to sleep and dream of him – broken and dying in her arms, and there was nothing she could do to save him. His eyes were always accusing, looking up at her, knowing she could have saved him but that she simply chose not to. Hudson would wake up crying, sobbing again, burying her face in the pillow and wishing she could just hold her breath until it all went away, make it go away and never have to face life again.
Hudson was scared. She was a coward and she knew it. She wasn't the good person her parents hoped her to be, or the heroine that Lana saw her as. She was scared and confused and had never felt so alone in all her life. She missed the ring; she missed not caring. She didn't like Hudson Kent very much, and realized why Kaela fought so hard to bury her.
She got up before her parents and went for a run. Just a quick jog around the state to clear her head, to breathe again, to go places that might not remind her of everything she'd lost. By the time she made it back to Smallville, it was mid-morning and she knew her parents were likely worried about her. Still, there was one more person she felt she needed to straighten matters out with before she made her decisions regarding the future. Preparing herself for a confrontation that would take a lot more groveling than she had with Lana, Hudson turned and sped toward Smallville High.
The halls were mostly empty, which Hudson was grateful for, especially since the majority of students she did see stared at her with such curiosity. She knew they were likely all wondering why the juvenile delinquent was back in town and yet, not back in school. Her mother had made noises about the same thing the night before, but finally decided that with the move, and the changes that Hudson was facing, it would be easier to have her return the following week.
"Don't worry," she had promised. "We'll work it out with your teachers."
Of course, the real problem was, Hudson didn't know if she could return to this life. School, friends, high school dances. She felt beyond all of that.
Chloe was right where Hudson expected to find her, flipping through files at her desk in the Torch office, a pensive expression on her face as she gazed at the one in her hands. Hudson bit her lip as she remembered their last conversation and how close she had been to physically hurting her friend. She was dangerous to everyone around her, and there was little she could do about it except leave.
Taking a breath, she knocked lightly on the door as she stepped inside.
Looking up from the folder, Chloe's eyes immediately darkened, a frown marring her brow. "Kinda far from your new 'hood, aren't you, H.C.?
"I just came to say thank you," Hudson replied softly.
"Oh! It's one of those days," Chloe began with a false note of excitement. "Because I can never tell with you, whether you're going to walk in and it's going to be an apology or an accusation."
Hudson knew she deserved that. She wished that she could make it up to Chloe somehow – the chasm between them, the betrayal her friend felt – but there was really nothing she could do. At least she could let Chloe know that she still cared about her.
"Chloe, I gave you absolutely no reason to stand by me. But you knew where I was all summer and didn't tell anyone." She smiled a little. "That really means a lot to me, whether you believe it or not."
Chloe seemed to consider her words for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, well, that's what friends do for each other, H.C." She paused, watching Hudson as she sat down neat the corner of the desk. "Talk to Lana yet?"
"Yeah. I… well, she understood, I think. I mean, my reasons for wanting to hide and not be found."
"Does she?" Chloe laughed. "Well, she's one up on me, then, because I still don't have a single clue as to what convinced Hudson Kent to leave her family and friends who love her, and become a complete and total skanky bitch in the process."
Wincing at the comment, Hudson glanced down at her hands for lack of anything to say in her own defense.
"I'm sorry. That was harsh."
"No." Hudson shook her head. "It was… you're right. I was awful to you." She looked up to meet her friend's assessing gaze. "I've been a horrible friend to you."
Chloe shrugged her shoulders, the file in her hand tapping lightly against her fingers. "You have your moments."
"I never meant to hurt you, Chloe. Or to cut you out of my life. I just… there are some things a person has to deal with on their own, and there are some things that only relate to certain people. I guess I never came to you because I thought our friendship and everything surrounding it was fine. If it's not broke, don't fix it and all of that."
"I suppose I can understand that," Chloe replied with a nod. "But, still, it hurt because I thought I was losing my best friend, H.C."
Hudson looked away, staring at the file cabinets as she considered that she would soon be hurting all of these people all over again.
"You're not staying, are you?"
She bit her lip and looked back at Chloe, surprised that her friend could read her so easily. "I haven't decided yet."
"You can't keep running away, H.C. We all do things we regret. Sometimes you have to stop and face your demons," she told her.
"It's not just that." Hudson sighed and nibbled on her fingertip as she glanced toward the window. "It's… everywhere I go I see him, Chloe. It's like every little spot of this town, down to tiny cracks in the cement, remind me of Lex."
"Oh. I see." Pondering her confession for a moment, Chloe set the file down and moved over to sit beside her. "You know we're all here to help you through this, right?"
"I know." She gave her a half-smile. "But the thing is, I don't know if anyone can. You don't… Lex and I had so many problems leading up to the wedding. It just seemed like everything I did was wrong, no matter how much I truly wanted to do the right thing. And before I left – Chloe, I said the most awful things to him.
"Now, there's this… stuff festering inside of me and I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells trying to keep it all together. Any moment now, I'm just going to explode, and no one is going to be able to stop that."
Chloe slipped her arm around Hudson's shoulders and gave them a slight squeeze. "You can't blame yourself for things that may or may not have been your fault. Lex dumped you, right? And then turned around and got engaged! H.C., people write entire angry, platinum-selling albums about stuff like that! Whatever you said or did, I think Lex probably made his share of mistakes, too. And if he were here, he'd tell you that."
"That's the problem, Chloe. He isn't here."
Hudson stood and moved away, arms slipping around her waist to hug herself.
"He isn't here and yet, I can still feel him. On the farm, in town, along the roads, even here in the school. I keep expecting to turn around and see him standing behind me, smirking at me like I'm a complete idiot for actually believing he's d-dead." She choked on the word, realizing how difficult it was to say it, to admit it.
"You don't have any closure," Chloe offered. "You weren't able to see a coffin, to see proof that he's gone, and as long as you know there is no body then your subconscious is going to refuse to let him go."
"You make it sound so simple."
Chloe shrugged. "I guess that's because I'm not the one going through it." She watched Hudson silently, her expression thoughtful, before asking, "Do your parents know that you don't plan on staying?"
Hudson shook her head and looked down at the floor. "No. I don't have the heart to tell them, not with all of the packing and everything."
"Everything's changing, isn't it? Lex is dead, you may leave, Pete's already gone – "
"What?" Hudson's head snapped up at that and she blinked in confusion at Chloe. "What do you mean Pete's gone? Where'd he go?"
"Oh, I guess you wouldn't know, would you? His mom got a position on the State Supreme Court. They moved to Topeka over a month ago."
Sighing, she shook her head, jaw clenching. Chloe was right. Nothing was the same anymore, and it never would be again.
"I didn't even say get to say goodbye and good luck."
"Well, I have his email if you want it."
"Of course I do!"
With a quick nod, Chloe got to her feet to snatch up a pen and slip of paper. She scribbled across it and then held it out to Hudson. "Here. Email and phone number. I'm sure he'll be back to visit."
"I'm sure." Hudson gazed at the information for a long moment before slipping it into the front pocket of her jeans. "Thanks, Chloe. I… guess I'd better get back to the farm. I never realized my parents had collected so much stuff until I had to start packing it."
Chloe smiled. "Yeah. Moving sucks. If you need any help, just call."
"Thanks."
They looked at one another awkwardly, both quietly acknowledging that their friendship wasn't what it used to be, before Hudson turned and headed for home.
Lex stood near the corner of the barn, watching silently as the front door to the lemon yellow farmhouse opened once more, and Hudson exited, this time carrying a wicker chair. It was the fourth trip of hers, from the house to the moving truck and back again, that he'd quietly observed. His gaze swept over the young woman hungrily, devouring the mile-long legs covered in denim, the blue flannel shirt that hung open, revealing a white tank beneath. She was different in both appearance and manner – her body too thin, her hair too light, a heavy tread in her normally exuberant step. She was still the vision that he'd held within him all those months on the island, whenever his thoughts regarding the crash, and who might have been behind it, became too horrid to deal with. It was Hudson who his heart and mind returned to, and he knew now that she always would be. No matter what stood between them, no matter the lies and the deceit and the pain, she was his anchor when the storm of his life became too fierce.
He only wished he'd realized that sooner.
A frown appeared on his face as Hudson lifted the chair up into the moving truck. After learning from his father that Hudson had ran away, he returned to Smallville to discover that she was home, but her family was losing the farm. Lex didn't know the particulars because he hadn't yet found the time to dig more deeply into the mysteries of their situation. After all, there were plenty of issues of his own he had to deal with in his life.
Still, Lex had to see her. He had to be the first to let her know he was alive. He refused to let her find out by reading or hearing about it on the news.
Moving out into the drive, an unexpected hesitation swept over him momentarily as he drew nearer to her. What if he didn't get the reaction he was hoping for? What if Hudson's life had been better without him in it? Just because he realized his mistake of the year past didn't mean she hadn't discovered something different. Things would have been less complicated for her, she could have lived the life of a normal teenager, as she was meant to, without his intrusion. Without his constant questions, and his need to hear the truth.
Selfishly, Lex found he didn't care anymore. He wanted Hudson Kent in his life, if for no other reason than to erase everything else.
"Am I too early for the farm auction?"
Her body froze, the hand that had been moving over the boxes in front of her stilling in midair. He waited, wondering what reaction he would be given. Slowly, she turned, her eyes impossibly wide as she gazed at him, disbelief etched into every corner of her features. Her hand flitted through the air, hovering over her mouth, the tears were already brimming in her beautiful eyes.
"Lex?" Her voice was a whisper, almost a prayer.
Lex was certain that hope had abandoned him long ago. Apparently, the emotion was still there. He considered some glib reply, along the lines of languishing on an island for three months being worth it to see the look on her face. But this moment meant more than that. Hudson suddenly appeared barely capable of holding herself up; he was beginning to feel as if there was a rock lodged in his throat.
And he'd thought he'd run out of tears.
By the time Lex found the voice to speak again, he could barely choke out, "Hello, Angel."
"Oh my god… "
He took a few steps toward her but it wasn't needed. In seconds, his arms were filled with Hudson and he couldn't stop himself from squeezing back, just lifting her off the ground, wishing he could carry her away at that moment and never have to deal with life again. She smelled so right, like home, and he buried one hand into the warmth of her hair at the nape of her neck and she was sobbing against him, clinging to him, salty tears slightly stinging the burnt skin on his neck. Lex didn't care. He felt it and it felt perfect; no amount of pain could detract from this moment.
"Oh god!" She sobbed, trembling in his arms. "They said you were dead!"
Hudson pulled back just a little, cheeks streaked with tears, eyes practically glowing. She cupped his face, fingers moving over every inch, touching his cuts and burns gently, gaze devouring.
"Well, apparently fate has bigger plans for me," Lex replied, hands moving over her back, cherishing the feel of her against him.
Hudson was beautiful when she cried. Normally, women's tears annoyed Lex but he couldn't get enough of hers. Maybe because they were real and Lex knew that sometimes he hurt her on purpose, just to see them. These weren't the fake crocodile tears of a deceitful wife. They were sincere and painful and all for him. And that made them positively gorgeous.
He turned his head to kiss her palm, when it seemed words escaped her. She was still sobbing and Lex pulled her close again, burying his nose in her hair. "Shhhhh. It's all right, Angel. I'm home."
It was apparently the wrong thing to say. She only cried harder, her hands gripping his jacket until he thought she would tear it; knew she could if she didn't release her grip. He smiled at the warmth of her embrace, the joy he could feel emanating from her body as she trembled against him. He kissed the top of her ear and pulled back to look at her.
"Hey. You okay?" He brushed away the strands of hair that hung over her eyes, hair that wasn't quite right.
Sniffing, Hudson nodded. "Y-yeah," she sobbed a little but a smile appeared.
Lex wiped at her tears with his thumb. "I missed you, you know. I thought about you every day."
She threw herself back against him, clutching him ever more tightly, her fingers brushing against the back of his neck. "I'm so sorry, Lex," she cried. "I'm so sorry for what I said, for not being there, for everything."
Lex sighed and held her, tucking his face against her shoulder. "It's in the past, Hudson. Neither of us is blameless."
"I didn't mean any of it," she whispered into his ear, her sobs calming slightly.
"I know."
He'd faced his anger and disappointment with her weeks ago, had far too much time to think about everything, to realize that maybe he should have approached things differently. He was still hurt by the part of her life she refused to share, but he was beginning to realize that maybe it was better that everyone had their secrets. Helen's perfidy had taught him that much.
Hudson remained silent for the next few moments, her hands simply drifting over his back, petting him, her fingers occasionally caressing his neck. Lex knew she was simply proving to herself that he was there, that he was real, so he didn't bother to stop her.
Finally, she pulled back slightly and shook her head. "I-I don't understand. How… What… "
"A fishing boat finally spotted the fire I built one night," he explained. "They rescued me."
Hudson took a deep breath, nodded and her smile grew. "Do you have their contact info? I want to send them my first born in gratitude."
Lex returned her smile, his grip around her waist tightening at the sweetness of her words. "Don't worry. The rest of their lives will be spent in relative comfort." God, he didn't want to let go of her. "I heard about the farm. Is there anything I can do?"
"You know my dad," she replied with a small shake of her head. "But thank you for the offer."
He did know Jonathan Kent. And he knew how much the farm meant to the man, to this family. Lex didn't say anything, but he also didn't plan on allowing the Kents to be uprooted from their home.
"I can't believe you're here," she whispered, her fingers trailing lightly over his cheek, eyes filled with wonder. "When I heard… when the papers said you were gone, I… " Hudson trailed off for a moment, shook her head. "God, I'd never felt so empty in my life. Losing you to Helen was painful but losing you for good… I couldn't stand it."
Lex's gaze tightened imperceptibly at her mention of Helen. If there was anyone he wanted to share Helen's duplicity with, it was Hudson. She wouldn't look down on him for it; she wouldn't feel pity. She might actually help him forget. But speaking of it would make it true, and Lex just didn't want to face that right then. This was a moment of pure happiness, of being with the one person on earth who might actually still love him. He couldn't let that go.
Cupping her face, Lex told her, "You've never lost me, Angel. There is always room for you in my life, no matter who else comes into it."
Her gaze dropped. "It just… it hasn't been the same."
He wished he could promise her it would be again soon, but he knew the likelihood of that wasn't very strong. Even once Helen was out of the picture, Lex knew he wasn't the same; they weren't the same. There would still always be the lies, the denial of the truth he already suspected, the mistrust. Fortunately, there was too much history between them to just let it go. They might struggle to find a new way to respond to one another, but for once, Lex believed everything would be all right.
Bringing her eyes back to his, Hudson flashed him a brilliant smile and enveloped him in another bone-crushing hug. "I can't believe you're really here! Oh god, Lex! I missed you so much!"
"I know, Angel. I know."
Smiling as he clasped her to him, Lex felt her lips press against his cheek and wished he could feel them against his mouth. But it was too soon for that. She didn't know that she was all he had left. And he couldn't bring himself to tell her.
Brushing his fingers over the back of her head, he asked, "What did you do to your hair?"
He felt her sigh softly and bring her head back to meet his gaze. "You weren't the only one missing from Smallville. I… I ran away."
"What would possibly make you decide to do such a thing, Hudson?"
She dropped her eyes, fingers grazing over the edge of the zipper on his jacket. "Something… everything." Hudson raised her eyes back to his. "Have you ever just made so many mistakes that all you can think to do is run away from them?"
"I wrote the book," he replied seriously.
"Yeah, well. I did it. I just… left. I couldn't deal with any of it anymore." She pointed to her hair. "This is the most minor of my offenses." She didn't smile.
Lex nodded, knowing there was more to it, knowing further that he couldn't push. Not when he was holding his own truths back. "If only I'd been here," he commented, giving her a half-smile. "I would have dragged your ass back to Smallville and helped your father in spanking you black and blue."
Hudson returned his smile. "If only."
"H.C.!" Jonathan Kent's voice rang out from the house. "Have you seen the box cutter?"
"It's in the kitchen, Dad!" She yelled back before reaching for Lex's hand. "Come on. My parents have to see you – they're going to flip!"
Lex shook his head a little as she tugged him toward the house, not certain if they were going to flip in a good way, or bad. He'd certainly left Smallville on better terms with Hudson's parents than Hudson herself, but that still didn't mean they would be overjoyed to discover he was alive. Especially if they knew that he didn't plan on pushing Hudson out of his life again. That was a pain he didn't wish to relive.
He walked in through the door, gaze sweeping over the stacks of boxes that covered the house, leaving it in complete disarray. It all seemed very wrong to him, the knick-knacks and warmth of the Kent home being packed away. He frowned as he began mentally listing the people he needed to contact to take care of this matter in the most expeditious way possible, without allowing the Kents to get wind of it and tell him to stop before he could help them. Lex knew just how he was going to thank this family once and for all, and smiled a little with the thought as Hudson shouted for her parents to join them.
"H.C., what are you yelling – Lex!" Martha stood in the hall, hand flattened over her chest as she stared at him. "Lex, is that really you?"
"It's him, Mom!" Hudson was pulling him down the hall. "He's alive!"
Before he could respond for himself, Lex was enveloped into a hug from Martha, her hand pressing his head against her shoulder, dark red hair tickling his nose. He was uncertain of how to react at first, before finally allowing his arms to return the hug.
"I can't believe it!" Martha was shaking her head, pulling back, examining him with a critical eye. "It's a miracle."
"I'm not too certain about that, Mrs. Kent," Lex replied, feeling his face warm surprisingly with the attention.
"If it's not a miracle, then I don't know what you'd call it," Jonathan commented beside him before reaching out to shake his hand. "Welcome back, Lex."
"Thank you, Mr. Kent."
Lex glanced down at Hudson, noting that she hadn't left his side, that her fingers continued to pluck at his jacket or touch his hand, as if still not convinced he was real. He gave her a slight smile, and then thought how strange it was, this family losing the only home they'd ever known, standing around, grinning from ear to ear because he was alive.
"We need to celebrate," Martha declared, brushing her hair back from her face as she looked around. "I'm sure I can whip up a nice dinner, as long as you don't mind eating among boxes, Lex?"
He smiled. "I think that would be wonderful, Mrs. Kent. Unfortunately, I can't stay. Helen will be waiting for me at home. We're… going to retry that honeymoon of ours."
Beside him, Hudson visibly flinched, her hand falling to her side. Lex wondered if she had hoped for a little more time between just the two of them before she would be forced to remember his marriage.
Not much longer now, Angel, he thought. And then that conniving bitch would be out of his life forever.
"Of course you have to get back to your wife." Martha smiled at him, while simultaneously slipping her arm around her daughter's shoulders. "She must be ecstatic to have you home."
Lex didn't reply. There wasn't much he could say that wasn't a complete fabrication. But the truth was, he hadn't really felt welcomed home until he'd stepped onto this farm.
"I'll, uh, walk you out," Hudson offered, slipping past him to head for the door.
"It's good to have you back, Lex,." Jonathan placed his hand on his shoulder as he turned.
Lex stared at the man, unable to think of anything to say in reply to that. He didn't know if Jonathan was being serious or just trying to be nice. He simply nodded in reply, and then quickly made his way out of the house, joining Hudson at the bottom of the porch steps.
"I think your dad has forgotten how much he hates me," Lex commented as they walked toward the car.
"My dad has never hated you, Lex," Hudson responded. "You know that. He just… I think having both of us missing kind of upset them."
That didn't make any sense to Lex, but he refrained from challenging her perception of the situation.
Missing the warmth of her welcome, Lex reached out and took Hudson's hand as they neared the car, turning to face her. Touching her chin, he brought her gaze to his. "I thought having me back was more important than the fact that I was married?"
Her eyes widened slightly, as if shocked to be caught in her very obvious sulking. "I… It is, Lex. I just… I guess I was so happy that, for a moment, I just forgot." She shrugged a little. "I know you love Helen. I mean, you almost sacrificed your life for her. I promise I won't get in the way of that."
Lex nodded, scanning her gaze thoughtfully, hating that he had to deceive her like this. But he knew she would try to stop him from doing what needed to be done. Instead, he simply told her, "Hudson, I want you to know, this marriage… it's not what I expected it to be, or thought it was going to be."
Her expression turned into a frown. "I don't understand. You haven't even had a chance to be married."
"I know. It's a long and complicated story," he told her. "And I hope I can explain everything to you later."
Hudson gazed at him with that familiar look of concern he knew all too well. She'd fight all of his battles for him, if he'd let her.
"Lex, what's wrong?"
He shook his head. "I have to go." Cupping her face, he leaned in and kissed her forehead gently. "I really missed you, Angel."
Tears hovered at the corners of her eyes. "Me, too."
"I'll be back," he promised. "And then we'll talk."
Giving her one last long look, Lex climbed into the Porsche, and headed back to the mansion, and his wife.
Hudson still couldn't sleep.
Life had changed, though she wasn't certain if everything was for the better. Lex was alive, and that was perfect; the knowledge that he was okay consumed her thoughts. She'd made a promise to him that his marriage to Helen wouldn't get in the way of their friendship and she wouldn't let it. Not now. Not when she had him back and he was alive and maybe she would have a chance to make up for all of the mistakes she'd made. Still, she wanted to be the one to hold him, if only for a little while, to touch him and smell him and listen to his heart beating, to assure herself that this was real. She knew she couldn't do that, though, because he was no longer hers.
She got up early and continued packing, focusing on the coming move and the awkwardness that would ensue when living in such close quarters with her parents. Hudson laughed softly at the thought, suddenly realizing that she had every intention of staying in Smallville. She couldn't leave, not now.
Grabbing a Pop-Tart for breakfast, Hudson headed out to the end of the drive to grab the paper when she ran out of the stack they had for packing purposes. Tucking the pastry into her mouth and out of the way, she snapped the rubber band away from the paper and unfolded it, eyes scanning the front page as she stopped abruptly in the drive.
'Suspected Crime Lord Morgan Edge Dead'.
She pulled the Pop-Tart from her mouth and read aloud, "The Metropolis Fire Department responded to a call earlier this morning of a fire in the lower Waterfront district at the residence of Morgan Edge, owner of the Atlantis nightclub. Calls came in from panicked citizens when a loud explosion was heard rocketing through the district. One body, believed to be that of Morgan Edge, was pulled from the smoldering debris. At this point in time, authorities have not ruled out arson as a cause of the destruction."
Worrying her lower lip, Hudson continued to read the article as she slowly made her way up the drive. It was a relief to know that the man wouldn't come looking for her or the parcel she'd stolen from Lionel Luthor's office. Still, something about the circumstances and timing troubled her. It had never occurred to her that Morgan Edge might know Lionel Luthor well enough to know what he kept in his safe; at the time, she'd only cared about the money the job would pay her. But knowing the exact item that needed to be taken from the safe meant that Morgan must have been in that office at some point in time. That, or someone must have told him what was…
Hudson froze, eyes widening as she glanced toward the house, toward her bedroom, where the package was tucked away. She remembered seeing Helen outside of Atlantis, never bothering to make the connection that perhaps Lex's widow had been there to see Morgan Edge. That Helen knew about Hudson's blood, that she…
Oh, hell.
Speeding into the house, Hudson raced into her room, pushing the bed out of the way to grab the package. She held it in her hands, afraid to scan past the box, afraid to open it. Instinctively, she already knew what it contained.
"H.C.?" Her dad stepped into the room, frowning. "What's all of the noise about?" He glanced at the box in her hands. "What is that?"
Hudson took a breath, and shook her head. "I… I don't know. This guy… Morgan Edge… he hired me to steel it."
"H.C., you've got to take that thing back," he reprimanded immediately.
She turned her gaze to him. "Dad. I stole it from Lionel Luthor."
Her father paused in the doorway, only for a moment, before stepping forward to pull the box from her hands. "We better find out exactly what it is we're dealing with."
Hudson held her breath as she watched Jonathan slowly open the box. Protectively nestled inside lay a vial of blood, just as she'd suspected. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight, before she lifted her eyes to meet her father's.
"That's my blood isn't it?"
Jonathan glowered down at the object. "There's only one way to find out. Come on."
Still clutching the paper tightly in her hand, Hudson followed her father out of the house and to the barn where she watched as he dug into the tool box. She stepped back, well out of the way, hovering on the steps to the loft as he withdrew a familiar small lead box and opened it. Inside of it, the green Kryptonite began to glow as he held the vial up against it; the blood began to boil.
"It's your blood," Jonathan confirmed, voice edged with anger.
Once he closed the lead box, Hudson made her way back down to the barn floor, fingering the paper in her hand. "Do you think Lionel knows?"
"Helen told me she never labeled it before somebody stole it from her office."
Hudson made a face, thinking back to that night at Atlantis. "But, Dad, what if… what if she wasn't completely truthful?"
Jonathan looked over at his daughter, brow furrowing. "What are you talking about, H.C.?"
"Dad, I saw Helen in Metropolis. A few days before I stole that. She was at the nightclub, Atlantis, which was owned by Morgan Edge." Nervously, she held the paper out to him.
He took it from her hand and read over the article quickly, mouth tightening grimly with every sentence. Sighing, he folded it, slapped it against his thigh as he looked over at Hudson. "All of this could be coincidence, H.C."
"What if it isn't?" She demanded. "What if Helen told him about the blood? What if Morgan Edge died because of the stolen blood? That's my fault, Dad. I'm the one who stole it, who never gave it to him or returned it to Lionel."
"H.C., stop it." Her father walked up and placed his hand on her shoulder, steadying her. "Listen to me – this is all conjecture. We have no proof that Helen had anything to do with this. We have no proof that Lionel is responsible for what happened to Morgan. You can't just blindly accept the liability of circumstances that might have nothing to do with you."
"It's my blood. And they were all connected to it."
Her father looked ready to argue more but seemed to think better of it.
"Why would Lionel want my blood, anyway?"
Jonathan shook his head, dropping his hand from her shoulder to turn and throw the vial to the ground, shattering it. "Doesn't matter now."
She bit her lip, staring at the blood as it pooled on the dirt, slowly being absorbed into the dry ground. "I'm beginning to wonder what he really knows about me," she whispered.
"H.C., we've managed to stay one step ahead of Lionel Luthor so far," her father told her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "Whatever happened to bring about this chain of events, it's over now. It ends here. Why don't you just focus on people closer to home, okay?"
Hudson nodded, forcing a smile for her father before he turned and walked out of the barn. But she knew there was still a lot of unfinished business she'd left behind in Metropolis, and she couldn't really let everything go until she took care of it. Tonight, after her parents had gone to sleep, she'd go back to the penthouse that had belonged to Kaela, and return as much of what she'd stolen as she could.
Lex stared up at the lemon yellow farmhouse outside his windshield, trying to find that elusive sensation of relief by knowing that this wouldn't be the last time he pulled up to it. Unfortunately, the concern still prevailed that his overture would be rebuffed and deemed unacceptable by the Kent pride. He wouldn't give up, though; he had to make Jonathan Kent understand that this was about Hudson's future, and not his obstinacy.
Of course, having the Kent family indebted to you isn't such a bad thing, either, a soft voice whispered in the back of his mind. Shaking his head slightly, Lex pushed the car door open and stepped out.
It was too hot to be wearing his long overcoat, but Lex didn't notice. Ever since confronting Helen with her betrayal, he hadn't been able to get warm. Chills had racked his body as he paced in front of the fireplace, finishing off a bottle of brandy and contemplating an all too-empty future in front of him. He was so tired of betrayal by everyone he allowed himself to care about, tired of rebuilding those protective walls around himself whenever he was gullible enough to let them down. He'd taken a step toward refortifying his defenses against his father, though Lex wondered how long it would last. Now that it seemed he was back in the fold, when would the lines between him and his father be redrawn?
The situation with Helen was far from over, and he knew it. Even though the story he fed to the papers listed his wife as missing from a tragic accident that caused the plane to depressurize, Lex knew it was a situation he might forever be dealing with. As long as he couldn't track her down, she was still out there, possibly plotting some other form of torture to deliver in retaliation for whatever grievances it was that she held against him. Lex didn't understand it; he would have given her anything she wanted if she had simply asked. The female mind was a puzzle that perhaps he was simply never meant to grasp, since every time he made the attempt, he failed miserably. Even his relationship with Hudson could hardly be called successful. He wanted more than she would ever be likely to give him; maybe it was his fault that he could never get quite enough from her.
Pausing outside the back door, Lex patted the pocket inside of his coat, making certain the papers were still there, before raising his hand to knock on the screen.
"Hi, Lex." Martha peered at him from inside, smiling, a large box cradled in her arms. "Come on in."
Lex pulled the door open and stepped inside the bright kitchen, made even brighter by the many pictures missing from the walls. There wasn't any food cooking or pastries baking in the oven, and that was something he had come to expect every time he visited the Kent household. Everything around him was wrong.
And he meant to make it right.
"Hey, Lex," Hudson called out with a big grin, waving one of the ugliest plant holders he had ever seen at him. "You missed the garage sale, but we have tons of these macrame plant holders left."
He couldn't not smile at her teasing, and shook his head. "Thanks, Hudson, but, um, I'm actually doing my own share of purging around the mansion."
She stopped and flashed him a look of sympathy that he could hardly stand. Even her parents grew silent, watching him with expressions of pity.
"We heard about what happened to Helen this morning," Martha remarked, setting the box down to walk over and touch his arm. "I'm sorry, Lex. It's so tragic what the two of you have been through."
Lex shifted, biting the inside of his cheek to stop from blurting out that the entire story was bullshit.
"Have the rescue crews found anything?" Jonathan asked.
"Um… no." Lex glanced over at Hudson who was uncharacteristically quiet, though she still regarded him as if he were some delicate piece of china that needed to be protected. He took a breath and returned his gaze to her father. "They're looking. It… We should know more later."
As silence ensued, Lex reached into his pocket, withdrawing the deed, and stepped forward to the Kents, holding it out to them. "But, that's not why I'm here. I want to give you this."
Brow furrowing, Jonathan reached out to take the paper as Martha moved up beside him, peering at the writing. Her husband began frowning as she gasped softly.
"You bought our farm?" Martha looked up at him in distress, obviously jumping to the wrong conclusion.
He hastened to reassure them. "I put your names on the deed."
"We can't accept this," Jonathan denied almost instantaneously, handing the deed back over to him.
"There's nothing to accept but my gratitude."
"Lex –"
No, he wasn't going to allow Jonathan Kent to say no this time. If they would accept nothing else from him ever again, they would accept this.
"After the plane went down, I made my way into one of the broken wings," he explained, reaching into his pocket to pull out the antique compass Jonathan had given him the day of the wedding – a day that should have been filled with happiness. It was the one thing he could remember fondly. "This compass, your wedding present, guided me to safe harbor. The least I can do is help you keep your farm."
Jonathan was silent, which surprised Lex. He watched hopefully as the man looked down at his wife, and some silent exchange occurred between them before he brought his gaze back to him.
"We will find a way to pay you back."
Lex tried not to register his shock at the easy acceptance. He slipped his hands into his pockets in the hope that they wouldn't see him shaking in relief.
"I'm not worried about that, Mr. Kent."
He looked over at Hudson a moment, who had quietly moved up beside him, staring at him as if he were capable of hanging the moon or something. He gave her a brief smile before looking back to her parents.
"If it's not too presumptuous, I hope you'll just consider me part of the family?"
He felt silly and childish and entirely too needy for asking, but it was the one thing he wanted, hoped for, had to be part of. For a time, while he and Hudson were together, he almost felt as if he'd found somewhere that he belonged. Now, he wanted that again.
Jonathan and Martha exchanged another look before flashing him warm smiles. He felt Hudson's hands wrap around his arm, tugging on him, hugging him. She kissed his cheek and pressed her head against his shoulder.
"You're like the most amazing guy ever," she whispered.
Lex could come up with a dozen arguments to counter that comment, but he decided to just bask in the moment. He slipped his arm around her waist and gave her a gentle squeeze back.
"You escaped before we could celebrate last time," Martha told him. "But I'm not letting that happen again! Stay for lunch, Lex. I've got some chicken I can fry up quick."
"And I know just where the frying pan is," Jonathan announced, turning to tear open one of the boxes behind him.
"You really don't have to go to all of this trouble for me," Lex began, watching the sudden flurry of activity with bemusement.
Martha waved a hand at him. "This has nothing to do with you, Lex," she replied with a smile that clearly said otherwise. "We've been eating nothing but delivery pizza for days."
Hudson laughed. "Thank god we don't have to pack anymore!"
Jonathan pulled out the frying pan, handing it to his wife as she asked for him to start looking for the oil. "No more packing, H.C. Now you get to help us unpack."
She rolled her eyes. "At least I can rearrange the loft. I've been meaning to do that for years now."
"Sounds like fun," Lex muttered, flashing her a quick smile when she pinched his arm.
"Lunch is going to take about half an hour," her mother announced. She glanced back at Lex and Hudson, gaze softening. "Why don't you two take that time to catch up? I know you didn't have much time the other day."
"You can help me figure out how to rearrange the loft," Hudson agreed, taking Lex's hand and pulling him toward the door.
Before Lex could reply, they were already making their way down the back steps and across the yard. He found his fingers curling around hers, grateful for her touch, wondering if she could feel how cold his skin was and if she found it strange. He stared at her as they walked, realizing that she didn't look the same from the back at all, not with the light-colored hair and almost too-thin frame. There was slump to her shoulders as well, that had never been there before, as if the confidence had been drained right out of her.
"I can't believe you bought our farm back." She glanced back at him, expression thoughtful. "You're lucky my dad didn't take that piece of paper and slap you with it."
"It's actually what I was expecting."
"You and me, both."
Lex glanced around as they walked, the silence bothering him. "Where's AJ?"
Hudson sighed and squeezed his hand. "Mom said they took him to the Thompson's farm. They seemed really pleased to have a dog around, and since he wouldn't fit in the apartment… " She trailed off and glanced back to smile at him. "I think picking him up will be my first priority now that we don't have to leave."
They stepped inside the barn, moving around the pickup to make their way to the steps and up into the loft. Once there, Hudson immediately spun around and wrapped her arms around Lex, holding him tightly. He stood there mutely for a long moment before finally willing his arms to lift and return her hug. She was warm, and Lex found himself wishing she could be his strength, just for a little while.
"I'm so sorry about Helen, Lex," she mumbled into his shoulder. "I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now."
Lex was shaking. He realized too late it was from laughter. He pushed back from Hudson and laughed and knew how shocked she was and couldn't stop himself. This was preposterous. How was he supposed to carry on this farce with Hudson, of all people? How could he want to be a part of this family if they were constantly telling him how sorry they were for the loss of his wife?
"Lex?" Hudson cocked her head to the side, watching him fearfully as if convinced he'd finally lost his mind.
"Christ, Hudson." He moved past her, slipping his hands back into his pockets, making fists hidden out of view, nails digging into his palms. He stood staring out through the large window, watching a flock of geese move across the horizon.
"Lex?" She was behind him now, he could almost feel the desire in her to reach out and touch him. "What's going on?"
"Helen isn't dead, Hudson. At least, I don't think she is."
"Well, that's good news, right?"
He turned his head to look back at her, and he knew the smile he gave her was all wrong. "I mean, it's not what you think. There wasn't some mystical accident on the plane that sucked her out through the door."
Hudson frowned but didn't respond.
"Hudson, that story you read in the paper? That one she told about how our plane was going down and I gallantly gave her the last parachute?"
She nodded.
"It was bullshit, Hudson. Complete and utter fabricated bullshit. And that's the truth."
"I… I don't understand."
Sighing, Lex looked back out the window. "She drugged me, Hudson. We shared some champagne, and she only had a sip – maybe she even faked that. I don't know. But I woke up, and the plane was going down, the controls were smashed. And I was alone."
He heard her sharp intake of breath, felt her hand on his arm. "Lex… no. That's… please tell me it isn't true?"
Shrugging, adopting the pretense that he didn't care, Lex turned to face her. "I should have expected it, right? I'm meant to be alone. I know it, but I ignored it and fell in love with the wrong woman all over again. And look where it got me? A three-month vacation on a deserted island and a lovely obituary in the Daily Planet."
"Lex… " She took a step toward him, arms out.
"Don't." He stepped out of her reach, unable to accept the sympathy he knew she wanted to give him; the sympathy he wanted so badly for her to give.
Hudson wrapped her arms around herself, stared up at him, eyes wide with questions. And pain. The tears hovered in her eyes, but she seemed to fight them back, as if knowing he didn't want them. She was silent for the next few moments, a dozen emotions flitting across her face. She shuddered slightly.
"Lex, what happened to Helen?"
Lex clenched his jaw at the question, felt the walls grow a little stronger. "Don't you mean what did I do to her?"
"Lex – "
"No, wait. I think your tone was more along the lines of Did you kill her? Is that it, Hudson? Is that what you wanted to ask?"
She raised her chin a little, looking for all the world as angry and upset as he felt. "No. I wasn't going to ask that. I didn't mean that." She let out a breath and flashed him a look of disappointment. "I never… Lex, I would never accuse you of such a thing."
"Oh, but accusing me of setting someone else up for murder isn't beyond you?"
Hudson's mouth fell open at the jab. Once the shock passed, real anger appeared in her eyes. "I thought we were past that?" She demanded. "I apologized a long time ago for accusing you of what happened to my dad, Lex! I can't believe that you're still angry – "
"I'm sorry."
He cut her off before she could continue, heart pounding inside his chest at the realization of what he'd just done. The last thing in the world that he wanted to do was relive the past year between them, the pain they'd caused one another. Hudson wasn't the person he was angry with, and lashing out at her wasn't what he needed to do.
"I don't know why I said that," he told her, slipping his hand from his pocket to reach out to her. "I'm sorry. It's forgotten."
She seemed to accept his words, stepping into his touch, allowing him to pull her against his chest. Her arms went around his waist and she was holding him again.
"Tell me what happened," she whispered.
Lex laid his head against hers, and closed his eyes as he spoke, "I don't know what I intended to do. Honestly, Hudson. Maybe I wanted to do to her what she did to me. Maybe I just wanted to scare a confession out of her. Maybe… maybe I was just hoping we'd go on a second honeymoon and everything would be all right. I don't know.
"But I do know that once I confronted her with the knowledge that she had planned my demise, once she realized her protestations of innocence were falling on deaf ears… that was when she pulled out a gun. Pointed it at me. Told me that the only reason I didn't end up with a bullet in my head was because she'd fallen in love with me." He barked with laughter at that, bitter, harsh. "The people I fall in love with."
Hudson's arms tightened around him. "What then?"
"I decided to use that feeble excuse for love to my advantage, challenged her to shoot me. I knew she couldn't do it. Only a coward would drug a man before killing him; she sure as hell wasn't going to shoot me face to face. We struggled for the gun and it went off, shooting my pilot instead… No, don't worry. He's fine. And he won't have to work for the remainder of his life, I promise." He sighed and pressed his cheek against hers. "The plane was going down again, so I went into the cockpit and grabbed the controls. Moments later, the door blew and Helen was gone. After landing, I checked and one of the parachutes was missing."
"And here I thought it was a joke that all rich people needed to know how to fly a plane."
Lex found a small smile with her comment. "Yes. Well, now you know there are legitimate reasons for it."
"God, Lex. I'm so sorry." She moved her head and kissed his cheek before pressing her forehead against his. "If I'd known – "
He opened his eyes to meet her gaze. "I know." He let out a soft breath, holding back a sob that was building in the back of his throat. "Hudson, I… Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why can't anyone love me?" He whispered, hating himself for asking the question. Hating her for hearing it. "What have I done – what is it that I do that pushes people away? That makes me so unworthy?"
"Lex, don't!" Hudson pulled him to her; he could feel her hot tears against his neck. "They're the ones who are unworthy! You're amazing and wonderful and I can't imagine not loving you."
Lex wanted to believe her but it was a difficult thing to do when faced with facts. Two wives, both of whom tried to kill him. Then there were women like Victoria or Carrie, who used him for what they knew they could get out of him. His own father had never found him worthy of drawing breath; his brother only desired his protection and money. Hell, even his so-called best friend felt it was better to lie to him than invite him into her life.
Gathering his composure around him tightly, Lex pulled out of Hudson's embrace and forced a smile. "Well, at least I know that no matter what things we might say to one another, you've never tried to kill me, hmm?"
Hudson made her way quietly down the halls of the mansion late that night, feeling safer and more welcome than the last time she'd been there. She paused as she neared the study, brow furrowing in curiosity as she listened the sounds of ocean waves drifting out through the open doors. What would possibly possess Lex to want to hear the ocean after three months of being surrounded by it?
She peered between the doors, gaze sweeping over the room until she saw him standing in front of the fireplace, glass of brandy in hand, staring into the flames. She couldn't begin to imagine where his thoughts strayed, or what he must be feeling inside. Rage filled her at the thought of Helen, at how the woman had stood in this very room in front of her, claiming to miss him, claiming that they loved him in the same way. If she'd known the truth then, Hudson wondered how she would have reacted. Would that person hiding deep down inside of her – the one that didn't hold back – would she have resurfaced to avenge the man she loved? Hudson shuddered slightly at the thought. At least she would never have to find out.
"Lex?" She called out softly.
He lifted his head, looking over at her slowly as if he'd known she was there all along. "Hudson," he greeted. "It's late."
"I'm not bothering you, am I?"
Lex shook his head, setting the brandy on the mantle as he moved over to the stereo to lower the sound. "No. I was just… thinking."
"And listening to the ocean." She stepped inside, watching him thoughtfully. "I'd think that would be the last thing that you'd want to hear after… everything."
He shrugged. "Surprisingly, it relaxes me."
"Oh."
Hudson found herself wishing that she could relax. She wandered over to the fireplace, fingers reaching out to follow the pattern of the etchings in the mantle. She remembered thinking how cold Lex's skin had felt to her earlier that day, but she'd attributed it to the air conditioning in his car. Now, seeing that he had a fire going in early September, she realized that might not be the case. Maybe Kansas felt cold compared to the island. Maybe it was something else.
"Is there something I can do for you, Hudson?"
She spun around at the question to find him sitting on the couch, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, watching her intently. She worried her lower lip, and reached up to tug on a strand of her hair, for want of anything else to do with her hands.
"I… Lex, I've been thinking."
He smiled a little at that and sat back. "Is that so? Hudson, if this is about Helen and what I told you at the farm, I really – "
"No. It has nothing to do with Helen." She took a deep breath and let it out again. "It's about me, really. And you. Well, us… well, everything."
Lex raised an eyebrow in apparent amusement. "Everything? That's quite a bit."
"Yes, well… " She dropped her hands and turned back to the fireplace. "A lot happened to me over the summer, Lex. Maybe not quite what happened to you but… close. Perhaps, in a different way."
"Hudson, you're not making an ounce of sense," Lex pointed out.
Hudson turned around, feeling helpless. She couldn't do this.
No, she could do this.
No, really. She couldn't.
Damn.
"Lex, I'm… I want to tell you everything that happened to me this summer and why it happened and why I made the choices I did but… I can't." She sighed and shook her head. "I can't because… you wouldn't understand it if I did."
Lex shook his head, a wry expression on his face as he looked away from her. "Of course not. I don't expect you to share your life with me anymore, Hudson. And… I'm not going to ask for it."
Hudson bit her lip at the sound of defeat in his voice. Defeat edged with anger, resentment.
"Mom, Dad, I… I want to tell Lex."
"Tell Lex what?" Her mom stared at her curiously.
She took a breath. "The truth. I want to tell him the truth – "
She took a few steps forward, found herself standing in front of him. "That's just it, Lex. I'm tired of secrets." Kneeling down, she reached up and placed her hand against his thigh, prompting him to look at her. "I'm tired of the lies – the lies I have to keep telling you. I don't want to be like the others. I want to prove to you that you can trust me."
"Dad, he deserves it. He deserves that much from me."
"H.C., you think that because he bought and paid for the farm for us, that we're supposed to just trust him with everything? That we're supposed to just put blind faith in the hope that he won't use this information for his own personal gain?"
"It isn't blind faith, Dad. Please, listen to me. Lex has proved his trustworthiness to us time and time again. He loves me – I believe that. And he cares about this family. Hell, how could you say he doesn't? Look what he did!" She waved her arms around, indicating the house. "He gave all of this back to us and asked for nothing more than to be a part of this family. It's the least we can give him."
"I knew accepting this favor would indebt us to him, but I'm not putting my family in danger – "
Lex stared at her, expression blank, though his eyes showed a flicker of distrust. "Lies, Hudson?" He questioned quietly.
She nodded, fingers curling against his slacks. "I… God, Lex. There's so much. I don't know how to do this. I –"
She looked up at him hopefully, but he wasn't making this easy for her. His body was tense, eyes glittering as he continued to watch her, expressionless, waiting. Hudson had seen him like this before, but never with her. He was a viper poised to strike; a tiger patiently waiting for his prey to move away from the protection of the herd. She shuddered slightly at the thought and dropped her gaze to her hand.
"I… ask me anything, Lex. Anything at all." She brought her eyes back up to his. "Ask me anything, and I'll give you the honest answers."
There. It was perfect. Like the night he came to her, asking for the truth about the day on the bridge, and now she could give it to him. If he asked, all she had to say was yes.
But Lex didn't ask. Instead, he jumped to his feet, towered over her, staring down, face flushed with sudden anger. "No, Hudson! It's not that easy!" He stepped over her legs, moved like a caged animal toward the fireplace to grab his brandy before turning back to her. "It's not that easy, Hudson! I'm not going to give you that." He threw the glass into the fireplace, causing Hudson to jump as it crashed into the wood, the flames flaring.
"Jonathan, maybe Hudson's right. Lex has already seen enough to cause him to question. Wouldn't it be safer to tell him everything, to trust him, rather than continue to push him away with our fear?"
"Martha, he's a Luthor."
Hudson stared up at him in consternation; the way he was talking, the things he was saying, it made her wonder exactly how much she really had to tell him. Did he already know?
"Lex, please… "
He turned away from her, shoulders tense.
The fire crackled and popped, sending a sliver of glowing red wood out onto the floor. Hudson watched it, thought of the red Kryptonite, of how easy it would be to confess her sins with a piece of it in her hand. She sat there in silence, contemplating how these steps she was taking would change everything. How very possible it was that Lex would never forgive her when she told him the truth. Unfortunately, she couldn't back out now. He would never forgive her for that, either.
"You're never going to trust Lex, are you? But Dad, I don't feel that this decision is yours to make any longer. I spent this past summer in Metropolis paying for my choices. I've made the wrong ones for the wrong reasons, and I'm sorry about that. But this time, I know I'm right. Lex deserves our trust. And, it's the only thing we have to give him."
Taking a deep breath, Hudson confessed in a rush, "It's my fault, Lex. The meteor shower, the rocks all over town, the strange powers people get from them. I'm from another world, Lex. That spaceship you were after? It was mine. My parents kept it in the storm cellar for years. The octagonal disk was a kind of key to it. My parents found me when my ship crashed and they took me in and raised me as an adopted child and I didn't even know the truth until I was thirteen. And I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner but I… I… " She closed her eyes. "I'm an alien, Lex."
There was a moment of silence, and then, "I know."
Hudson's eyes snapped open and she stared up at Lex in shock. "What? I don't… how?"
Lex turned to face her, eyes narrowed. "Do you really think I'm that much of an idiot, Hudson? The feats of strength, the amazing rescues, the bad lies – do you really believe I'm that stupid? Add to that the evidence of your fascination with the Kawatchee caves and everything that has gone on down there… " Lex trailed off, jaw clenching slightly. "I may not have had concrete proof, Hudson, but I've had my suspicions. Frankly, I'm surprised the entire town hasn't figured it out by now."
She blinked as she sat there, watching him. "You're not… freaked out by what I am?"
There was a short laugh before Lex shook his head and turned away from her. He picked up the fireplace poker from the rack and jabbed it at the burning wood.
"Freaked out because you've saved my life countless times? Because without you and everything you are apparently capable of doing, I would have died that day at the bridge? Hardly." He tossed the implement to the floor and slipped his hands into his pockets. "No, Hudson. I'm not freaked out." He looked back at her. "But, I am disappointed."
"Because I lied to you?" She quickly scrambled to her feet and stepped toward him. "I'm sorry. I mean, I – "
"You laid there beside me in my bed, Hudson, and lied to me," he began quietly, fixing her with a steady gaze. "You told me you loved me, and all the while lied to me. You promised me your friendship, and you lied to me. You told me I could trust you, and you lied to me. I begged you for answers, for the truth… and you continued to lie to me."
Hudson felt a catch in her throat at his words. She told herself that she had expected this, that he had every right to feel as he did, but that didn't make it hurt less.
"Lex, I'm sorry! I wanted to tell you, ever since we became friends, but I didn't have a choice."
"You didn't have a choice?" He repeated, one brow raising in curiosity. "So now, you suddenly do? What makes today special? Oh, wait. Could it be because I bought your farm back for you and now… you feel like you owe me?"
"No, that isn't it!" She took another cautious step forward, noting that Lex tensed immediately. She wondered if it was because he was angry, or because he was afraid of what she really was. "My parents forbade me from telling anyone the truth – and they were right. Lex, you don't know how dangerous it is, how many people have been hurt because of me. I mean, look at my parents, look at what they've been through."
Lex shook his head, pushed past her when she got too close to move across the room. He stood with his back to her, running his hand over his bare scalp.
"I thought you were different, Hudson," he commented softly. "I wanted to believe you were different, that you weren't like the others. I wanted to trust you –"
"You can trust me –"
"No, I can't!" He whirled around, pointing a finger at her. "You made your choice last year, Hudson, when you would rather destroy what we had than tell me the truth, than let me be a part of your life! This… admission, it's a little too late. You're too late!"
Hudson sucked in a sharp breath at his words and looked away. Her eyes burned with unshed tears as she realized that Lex was right – she had waited too long. He deserved so much more from her, and she'd always been too selfish to see that, too afraid. She should have trusted him, as he had her. What had she been thinking? Here she had just told him she was an alien and… Lex didn't care. What she was meant little to him compared to the fact that she had betrayed his trust, betrayed their friendship and, most importantly, their love. Could she even begin to make up for it? Would he let her?
Lifting her gaze back to him, Hudson realized she couldn't and wouldn't give up. Not now. Maybe, not ever.
"Lex." She slowly walked over to him, hoping that he wouldn't move away again. "I can't say I'm sorry enough, I know that. If I could go back and do it all differently, I would. But I can't… I won't lose you. Not now. When I thought you were dead, I… I realized what a horrible friend, and girlfriend, I'd been to you. I don't want to make that mistake again. I want to make things right. Please, give me that chance?"
"It took my death for you to realize you didn't want to lose me?" Lex asked, eyebrows raised sardonically.
Hudson shook her head. "No, that isn't what I meant – "
"Get out, Hudson."
Her heart began pounding fearfully in her chest. "Lex, please don't – "
"I said get out, Hudson," he repeated, the familiar and hated mask of indifference falling over his face. "Get out before I do something we'll both regret."
Swallowing back a cry, Hudson moved back from him and took one of her first steps toward the promised honesty in their relationship – she sped away from the study in a flash.
