A/n: This is a gift fic for my good friend Empath, and a companion to her other gift fic "trench coat". Please review.
Safe
''
It's hard to believe it but for the first time in my life, I feel safe.
Safety was something not even my own parents could give me.
It was their lack of caring that lead to my encounter with Muraki and eventually my painful death alone.
Even after I became a shinigami I couldn't feel safe.
My murderer was still on the loose and probably up to his old tricks.
At first I didn't trust anyone here.
Even the Gushoshin twins made me nervous.
I believe it was first Konoe that I began to slowly trust.
Everyone here treated me like I was just another person, but Konoe seemed to have underlying feelings and I often caught him smiling at me.
But it wasn't anything creepy like Muraki.
I've come to realize that I remind Konoe of someone he's known before.
I'm not sure whom, but it's tender, family feelings that I get from him.
Then when he placed me in a helping position with Tatsumi, and I got to know him a little better, I began to trust him as well.
I quickly realized that Tatsumi and I were a lot alike.
I like his down to business attitude, and collected approach to unsavory situations.
I soon found that he was very dependable.
Watari was always hanging out with us and eventually I saw past his quarks and once I saw the real Watari I liked him immediately.
He was bouncy and happy, but at the same time when it really counted he was serious and helpful.
While this was happening on the sidelines of work, Tsuzuki and I had just finished investigating the Queen Camellia and I still didn't exactly trust him.
Well what exactly does one say about Tsuzuki?
I could come up with a million bad habits and idiocies, but I can come up with just as many qualities.
It wasn't until I finally saw into his very soul in Kyoto that I finally really trusted him.
All his hyperness and goofing off was to make everything look alright, but secretly he's still hurting as much as I was.
The scars of being attacked by Muraki heal just a little more everyday, but like him the scars of living life without a soul who cares for you may never go away.
There is always mistrust that the next person might hurt you like all the others before.
In that mistrust, I found the strongest bond I've ever had with someone.
Konoe feels like my father, and Tatsumi and Watari feel like older brothers, but Tsuzuki is different.
I've realized over the last few years that I love him.
It's a silent understanding between the two of us.
We're in love but we're both too afraid of hurting each other to do anything about it.
I take comfort in knowing that he will always be there for me when I need him, and when he needs me I will be stand beside him...and call him a baka for blowing up the library for the tenth time, or letting the latest case fly out the window.
If I could beat him over the head once for every time he gave a life back and owed the Earl, he wouldn't have a head left to beat.
But it's his heart that makes me forgive him.
Because of all my friends, I've learned to feel safe.
Looking back on my first year anniversary, I realize that I've finally found who I am through all of them.
Konoe showed me that you can make a family out of your closest friends.
Tatsumi sowed me that Tsuzuki isn't as bad as he lets on.
Watari showed me that I can relax and know that everyone loves me here.
And Tsuzuki...well I'm not sure what Tsuzuki has showed me, but I do know that a year and a half ago I would never be able to feel safe enough to fall asleep on the couch in the break room, but now I do.
I'll forever be grateful to my friends for finally allowing me to be myself.
Finally I feel safe.
