5. Eternal Guilt

'Liam, could you give me a ride home?', Jennifer asked Liam after their dancing rehearsal. They had just practised for the 'Coppelia' performance, and so far everything went well.

Not as good as it would've been with Anna, maybe, but still good enough.

Ehm.. yea sure.', he replied.

Silently they headed for the blue Corvette Liam now owned. There had been some kind of tension between the both of them since the accident. Liam had never quite agreed with the fact they had lied to the police, but then again, if they hadn't Jennifer would have ruined her entire life by paying for something she hadn't even done on purpose.

They sat down in the car and Liam started the engine and drove off. They both sat very quiet, driving in a car would probably never be the same for any of the four friends. After a while, Jennifer finally dared to ask : 'How's Anna?'.

Liam shrugged. 'I haven't seen her in a while, actually. But I heard she can move her arms again, and she'll have a surgery that may make her able to walk again.'.

'Walk? That's awesome!'...

Jenny waited a while before continuing.. 'Why haven't you seen her for a while?'.

Again, he shrugged. 'I've been busy.'.

A pause.

'And she's different...'.

It felt good to be able to talk to someone about it now.

'Different? What do you mean, different?', Jennifer asked, confused. She had never heard Liam say anything negative about Anna.

'I'm not sure.. I guess it's really hard for her. Her whole life was always about dancing, and now she can't do that anymore.'.

Jennifer nodded. 'True.. Did you guys have a fight?', she then asked curiously.

'No. Not really. She just.. it's like she makes me feel like it's painful to see me.. to be reminded of dancing. I don't think she even likes me anymore!'.

'Of course she likes you! She's just.. confused, and scared.. I guess.'.

'Have you actually visited her?', Liam questioned the dark brown-haired girl.

Jenny bit on her lip. She'd honestly wanted to visit Anna, but she hadn't dared to. What if she would remember who had really been driving that car? And what if she wouldn't be able to forgive Jennifer?

'No, I haven't. Not yet. I wanted to, but I just .. couldn't.'.

Liam nodded ,he understood. 'I get that. But maybe she wants to see you. I actually think she does.', he suggested. 'Would you like me to come with you?'.

She shook her head. 'No. I need to do this alone.'.

It was true, Liam's offer was nice, but he would probably only be in her way.

'I get that.'.

They drove along a little restaurant. 'Are you hungry?', Liam asked her. He enjoyed some company. Specially company from someone to who he could talk about the two things occupying him the most right now: Anna, and the accident.

'Sure, I could eat.', Jennifer replied, having some doubts, but then again: why wouldn't she? It was just some dinner! Not even, seeing it was in some old, trashy bistro.

Liam parked his car, and they got out, heading for the bistro. While inside, he went to order them a cheeseburger and some French fries while Jenny sat down at an empty table. She tapped her fingers on the wooden table in front of her nervously. No matter what she told herself: this didn't feel right.

An hour later, t hey were driving in Liam's car again. They had shared dinner and talked. Nothing else than that. The tension had kind of flown away, but as soon as the car stopped near the Warner residence it slightly returned.

'Thanks..', Jennifer said, meaning not only the ride home and the dinner, but also the talking and the feeling that someone finally understood her for once. She hadn't felt that in months, despite the fact her mother was a psychologist. Or a shrink, as she liked to call it.

Liam watched her for a few seconds and gave a short nod. He didn't think she was prettier than Anna, but she was definitely pretty. And nice to him, in spite of how awful she must have felt since that terrible day of the accident they were 'all' guilty of. Bryan, himself, and Anna too, had all given Jennifer permission to drive.

He just needed some real company right now. Only for that reason, he pulled her closer and kissed her.

Only for that reason.

After several minutes they both pulled back. Jennifer took a glance at her house.

'My mom and step dad are out. Bry's at his girlfriend's... Do you want to come in?'.

She felt just as Liam did now, probably: in need of some company, no matter what kind.

Liam hesitated for a few more seconds before answering, but the thought of Anna's behaviour against him made him decide.

'Sure.'.

'Hey, daddy?'.

Angel looked up at his daughter. In spite of the good news they got from the second opinion he found she still looked rather pale, and a little down.

'Hmm?'.

'Why haven't they visited?'.

Anna had been thinking about Bryan and Jennifer for a while, she hadn't had time for that earlier, she'd been to occupied trying to get used to her situation. From the negative words she sometimes heard Angel talk about Bryan, she understood what they had done, and she was smart enough to not mention that Jennifer had been the one driving the car.

'Why haven't who visited?', Angel asked. He didn't like to talk about the accident at all, it made him angry, and sad. It made him think about the fact he could lose Anna..., and there was nothing more frightening than that to him on the entire world.

'Bryan, and Jennifer? I haven't seen them in so long.'.

'Do you 'want' to see them?', Angel questioned her with a frown. He had expected her to be angry with Bryan, just like himself.

The thing was, she really wasn't, angry. Not with Bryan, and not with Jennifer. She hadn't done it on purpose anyway. She had just wanted to be accepted.

'Yea, why not?'.

'He.. He did this to you!', Angel protested, not wanting Anna to hang with the people who had caused her to be in this situation.

He hadn't forgiven Bryan yet.

Not even nearly.

'Damn.', was the first thing Liam thought when he woke up and found Jennifer laying next to him. What had they done? Last night coming here had seemed the right thing, he had wanted it.

But now there were regrets.

Much regrets.

He now suddenly realised he had only been looking for a replacement for Anna. And how unfair that had been against Jennifer, well, he hadn't really thought of that last night.

He'd been drunk with sadness.

His stomach dropped in an unpleasant way when he felt the girl next to him move.

'Damn.', he thought again.

'Liam?'. Jennifer yawned and slightly stretched. It was obvious that she was thinking the same thing as Liam. 'Damn'.

He turned on his side to look at her, and he could only wonder 1 thing.

How could he have ever compared this girl with his Anna?

That after noon Jennifer had finally convinced herself that visiting Anna was the right thing to do, specially after what she did with Liam. That hadn't exactly decreased her feelings of guilt. When she entered the Los Angeles Hospital she once more felt the way she'd felt when she was a little girl and her father had died here...

She'd felt as if her world stopped turning.

She'd felt so.. powerless.

It was yesterday once more in her mind when she stared at the crème white walls and remembered her powerlessness, but memories weren't what she was here for.

She was here for Anna.

And therefore, she headed for the room Liam told her Anna was laying in, and entered very hesitant. On moments like this, Jenny didn't feel so mature as she always claimed to be at all. She felt like that little girl again. Would it ever change, she wondered, and stepped into the little hospital room.

'Anna?', she addressed her quietly.

Anna looked up from a book she was reading. She was a little surprised to see Jennifer, but not really. This had to happen some time, after all. She could sense Jenny's nerves, so tried to ease her and let her know that she wasn't blaming her for anything.

'Hey Jenny.', she greeted her. 'I'm glad to see you.', she continued, meaning it.

Jennifer nodded and sat down slowly. 'How are you doing?', she asked, honestly being a bit shocked by how pale Anna looked. The reddish, natural blush she always used to have was all gone.

'Okay, I guess.'. Anna lifted her arms to demonstrate.

'Good.. that's really good. Liam told me about the surgery you'll have.. I'm happy for you.'.

'Yea. It is really good. I'll have it next week, and if everything goes well I should be able to walk again.'. She tried to say that cheerfully, but while she thought of it, Anna came to the conclusion that seeing Jennifer again hurt her more than she would have thought. After all, if she wouldn't have been driving that car and would've just accepted that she wasn't as 'cool and mature' as the rest...No, she quickly stopped herself. It wasn't Jennifer's fault, and she had probably punished herself enough already with guilt.

For several moments, both of the girls were quiet. Neither knew what to say or even dared to speak. Until Jenny finally found the courage.

'I'm sorry, Anna..'. Tears welled up in her eyes. 'I should've visited earlier, I shouldn't have...'.

Anna started to cry as well. 'Don't.. don't do this, Jennifer, please don't make this any harder than it already is!'. They both sobbed, and Jenny went to sit on the side of Anna's bed.

'But..'. 'No, don't . it's okay. I forgive you.', Anna cried, pulling the girl in a hug. While sobbing, Jenny hugged her back, wondering if she would still say the same if she would know what had happened last night between her and Liam.

Probably not.

More guilt...

Would it ever end?

Maybe she should just come clean and tell the truth about it, but would that solve anything? She seriously doubted it, and therefore decided to wait. And tried to ignore the continuously nagging guilt. Trying not to think of the fact that it would probably haunt her for the rest of her life.

'It's not.. okay. I just...'. 'Come on, Jenny. Shh, it'll be okay. I forgive you. .. I forgive you.', Anna tried to comfort her, while it should probably be the other way around, but she tucked her own feelings away for now. She felt sorry for the girl, maybe even more than for herself.

After all, Anna would probably be okay, and Jennifer would have to live with herself forever.

'Really?', Jenny asked hopeful, looking up at Anna with eyes filled with regret and tears.

It was easy to see that she really was sorry.

She was a good girl, she deserved forgiveness.

'Really'.

The following day Liam decided it was time for himself to pay the long postponed visit. When he entered Anna's room he soon came to the conclusion he was nervous. Jennifer wasn't the only one with guilty feelings. He felt as if he should've visited more, despite of Anna's moods. They were understandable! And he'd been a real jerk for letting her down when she most needed him. And then what he'd done with Jennifer, that was really unforgivable!

Considering Anna's physical and mental state right now, he and Jennifer had decided that it would be the wisest not to tell her at least for now.

'Hey, Anna.', he greeted her, kissing her on the cheek and sitting down.

'Hey. So you haven't forgotten me after all, I see.', she said, letting a little bit of anger and disappointment sounding through in her voice. She was sure aware of her previous behaviour, but she'd been lonely, in spite of Josh and her parents. She'd missed Liam, specially during cold, lonely nights when she couldn't sleep and kept thinking 'what ifs'.

'I wanted to come, Ann. Really.. I just.. '.

Anna smiled and sighed in the same time.

'O please, I'm so tired from all the guilt and excuses. I've heard enough of those from Jennifer already yesterday. 'It's my fault, I've been a real bitch.'.

'Sorry..', Liam responded automatically, only later on realising sorry was the one thing Anna did not want to hear, and they both started laughing.

That was the first time since the accident Anna actually laughed.

It felt good.

'No more guilt?', she asked him hopeful, being so tired of everything all of a sudden.

'Yea..', Liam responded, agreeing, and very eager to let the past the past.

'No more guilt'.

28