6. Never mine

The surgery came closer every day, specially now Anna had made it up with Liam and Jennifer time went fast. They visited very often, so she wasn't lonely and bored anymore.

Yet still one thing was bothering her: Josh's feelings. Anna was afraid he felt more than friendship for her. And she was even more afraid that he expected 'her' to feel more than friendship for him.. Okay, they kissed once. Nothing more than that! Now she and Liam were together again she started to feel guilty about that kiss. But to ignore those feelings, she just thought: Don't know, don't care. And who knows what Liam has been doing while she was here in the hospital!

No. That was a very silly thought. Liam had always been faithful to her, and he always would be.

Right?

On the morning of the surgery-day, Angel and Cordy were sitting by their daughter's bed. Because it was such an important day, they were allowed to visit in none-visiting hours.

But only them. And only today.

'Are you nervous?', Cordelia asked.

'A little..', Anna admitted. 'But I still want it!', she quickly added when she looked at her father's face and learned that he was about to tell her that she didn't have to go through with it. But Anna did have to go through with it. For herself, no matter what the risks were.

'Right.. It'll all be okay.', Angel promised his little girl, receiving warning glances from Cordelia.

Anna nodded, she had faith in the doctors and surgeons, but she was aware that things could still go wrong.

'Good morning, Anna!', a nurse greeted her, entering the room with a cheerful smile. 'Are you ready for today?'.

Anna gave her a nod and smiled at Angel and Cordy for a moment, as in letting them know that she was, indeed, ready.

'All right! Here's some kind of potion that'll bring you to sleep soon, and when you wake up again it'll all be over!', the almost annoyingly enthusiastic nurse informed the 3.

Anna took the potion, and came to the conclusion that it didn't look much different from grapefruit juice.

She liked grapefruit juice, so maybe this was a good sign.

She sure hoped so.

'Warn us when she's asleep, ok? I have more things to do around here.', complained the nurse with a glance at the clock, learning she was way behind on schedule because she spent too much time making small talk with the patients. It should be a good thing, but no, not in this capitalism-based hospital. Time is money, that was their motto.

'Will do.', Cordelia replied with a frown, and she started to stroke Anna's hair while Angel took his daughter's hand. He was scared, but knew that his feelings were probably nothing in compare to what Anna was feeling right now.

Hours later, Anna started to wake up. Everything hurt, and it seemed like everything was paralysed, and 200 pounds heavier than before, but she knew that was normal. Dr. Michaels had explained everything to her beforehand, so she knew how she would feel right after the surgery. But still, she hadn't been prepared for 'this'.

Panic overwhelmed her until she suddenly felt a comforting hand on her own.

Josh's hand.

She would recognise that hand out of thousands.

Anna tried to speak, to move, but she couldn't. And she didn't have to either.

Josh was here , now everything would be okay.

Had it been a dream, Anna wondered hours after, when she opened her eyes and found her parents asleep by her bed. She couldn't see clearly, but a glance at the clock learned her it was 3:15 AM. The world was asleep, except for her.

She felt warm and feverish, another post-surgery thing, or a side-effect of the medication they gave her before or after, and maybe during the surgery.

Maybe Josh hadn't been here to comfort her at all, maybe she'd been delirious and had felt what she wanted to feel.

Maybe.

She considered waking Angel or Cordy up, but decided that they need their rest, she had put them through enough already. So, she pushed the red button, and soon after the nurse who had nightshift entered.

'Hey, Anna, you're awake I see!', she said in an excited whisper, not wanting to wake Angel and Cordelia. Anna nodded, but she was still in a daze.

'Pain..', she said. 'Can't move..'.

She came to the conclusion even talking hurt!

'I know, honey. That's normal. Do you want something for the pain? '.

'Yea.. please.'.

The nurse, Phoebe, was her name, gave Anna some painkillers and helped her swallow them with a cup of water.

Anna learned swallowing wasn't easy either, but she managed to.

'You'll feel much better in the morning. Try to get some sleep, all right?', Phoebe said with a smile at her.

Anna gave her a short nod, she hoped Phoebe was right, because this was 'not' the way she'd thought this would be..

Maybe she had underestimated the whole situation..

She tried to sleep, but found that was rather difficult with all those thoughts going round in her head. What if the surgery hadn't worked? What if she would keep this pain forever? Or worse... What if something had gone wrong, and she would never be able to move her arms 'and' legs again? What would she do then?

Before she had finally fallen asleep, it had been 4 AM, 5 AM, half past five, and even 6 AM. After that , she knew nothing.

She knew nothing, and saw nothing.

Except Josh.

After Angel and Cordelia had gone home, just before sunrise, Josh was the first to enter Anna's room, even before the doctor.

'Hey, sleeping beauty!', he greeted her.

Anna was still pretty weak, too weak to find out if she could move yet. She opened her eyes to make sure Josh was 'really' there this time. When she looked at him, she knew.

It hadn't been a dream.

'How are you feeling?', Josh asked her, going a bit closer to her bed.

'Like 3 thousand trucks just drove across me.', Anna managed to say.

'That must suck.. Really suck.'.

'You were here last night, weren't you?', she asked then. She really had to know now, else the question would haunt her for eternity.

Josh frowned. 'I wasn't, Ann.'.

Of course, it had been him, but he didn't dare to admit it. He hadn't expected her to know about his visit to her in the first place, but he had just wanted to be there for her, he couldn't stand to see her in pain, and he'd been terribly worried about her all day. He was afraid that if something had gone wrong she wouldn't be able to take it.

'Yes, you were. I felt you.'.

Still denying, Josh shook his head. 'It must've been a dream. You were delirious.'.

Anna then decided to let it rest. He wouldn't admit it to her anyway, he was so damn stubborn! But she wasn't in the mood for such issues right now, anyway. She was too tired, and all drugged out. There would be enough time to deal with Josh later. And with Liam.

Fortunately, Anna soon found her arms to be moving again. Just not her legs yet... So, she spent her day pondering, listening to Josh's no longer funny jokes, and hoping the one person she wanted to visit her would visit.

'Liam!', she looked up pretty happily when he entered the room with flowers and gave her a kiss.

'Hey! How are you today?'.

Anna shrugged. 'I haven't seen doctor Michaels yet today, he can be here any minute.'.

And then, as if he had heard her the doctor entered, looking rather pleased. 'Hello Anna, Liam.'.

Liam gave him a nod and Anna smiled. 'Hello. Do you have good news for me today?'.

'I think I do. There's something I would like to discuss with you.'. He took a chair and sat down next to Liam.

'All right.'.

'Yes, Anna..', he started with a cough. 'You've been in this hospital for a very long time now, I'm sure you realised that too'.

Both teenagers nodded in unison. Anna wasn't even sure anymore how long she had exactly been here. Too long, that was for sure.

'Now, I had a talk with your parents this morning, and they agreed with me that it may be the best for you to continue your further recovery at home. You'll feel comfortable there, and then your parents won't have to travel up and down every single day! So, what do you think of it?'.

For a few seconds, Anna didn't know what to say at all.

Going home?

She'd never really considered recovering at home further. She would love to go home, obviously! It had been so long since she had seen the Hyperion Hotel, it even started to fade from her memory! But what if she would go home, and Josh wouldn't? Would she be able to still see him then? Not as often.. But she would be able to see Liam more often!

She loved them both, very much. But Josh was just a friend.. Or wasn't he?

Anna then found Dr. Michaels still staring at her, waiting for a reply, so she kind of just nodded her head.

Liam, however, seemed thrilled. His eyes lit up when he heard the news, he hadn't been this happy for months! Anna would come home! His Anna! He turned to look at her, and his enthusiasm faded slightly.

'Aren't you happy?'.

'I am. Of course I'm happy.', she told him with a reassuring smile, pretending to be thrilled with the news. She didn't pretend good enough, though. Liam could see that right away, but didn't want to confront her with that in front of the doctor.

Anna turned to Dr. Michaels, and smiled a little more sincere.

'I would love to go home, doctor. When can I go?'.

'Tomorrow morning, then you'll have enough time to prepare yourself.'.

Tomorrow morning!

Anna slightly panicked. So little time to tell Josh...

So little time to say goodbye..

Too little time.

Liam left, and Anna planned to visit Josh immediately, but she was stopped by a nurse who insisted she would have dinner 'now', so the plan was postponed until an hour later.

In her wheel chair, she made her way to Josh's room then. She knew this wasn't going to be an ordinary conversation. It wouldn't even be an ordinary goodbye conversation.

'Josh?'. Anna knocked shortly and entered his room, to find the handsome-looking boy reading on his bed.

He looked up when he heard her voice immediately. 'Anna. Hey. I was hoping you would come!'.

'I'm not here to watch tv, or talk about funny magazines, Josh..'.

Josh sat up, he could sense something was wrong.

'What's wrong? Something about the surgery?', he asked concerned.

'No.. it's not the surgery.. I mean.. It is, but not the way you think.'.

Josh frowned, she really confused him. Did she mean the surgery went well? The why wasn't she smiling? He really didn't understand a thing about women..

'Dr. Michaels thinks I'm ready to go home and recover there further.. Tomorrow.', Anna told him in a little voice.

This really hit Josh by surprise, he never thought she would leave! He had already pictured them growing old together, right here in the hospital.

A stupid idea, he knew that, but it was just so idyllic.

'Ok.. That was unexpected.'.

'I know it is.. I... Do you want me to stay?', Anna asked him. She wasn't sure if she actually would stay if he would ask her to, but she felt as if she should at least ask him the question.

'No, of course not. You should go.', Josh replied with an obvious lack of enthusiasm, but he sure wanted her to go home. She was able to, so shouldn't stick around here just for his sake, that would be really selfish of him to ask that of her.

'But.. I'll miss you so much.', Anna almost started crying. She had spent every single day with him during the past few months, and now it would be all so very empty without him!

'You can still visit, silly! And I'll visit you too!', Josh promised, not showing her how sad he really was, on the inside.

'I.. I.. I have to go!'. Suddenly in a light panic, Anna tugged at the wheelchair. Damn thing, she cursed silently. She couldn't take this any longer, she 'had' to get out! Eventually, she managed to reach the door, ready to leave. Yet, Josh's following words stopped her from doing so..

'I love you, Anna.'.

It was out before he knew it. But it wasn't supposed to be.. He'd sworn to himself no one would ever find out.

Not even Anna.

'Specially' not Anna..

She didn't turn the wheel chair to look at him, she didn't want to look him in the eyes while she hurt him.

She couldn't.

But yet she knew she had to, hurt him. Else it wouldn't be fair.

'And I 'don't' love you, Josh. Not the way you want me to..'.

They sat in silence for a while, absolute silence.

'Maybe we can be just friends.', Anna then suggested.

This broke her heart too, but she loved Liam.

The answer that followed was completely unexpected to her.

'I don't think I can.. I won't be able to do that, Anna. To look at you, and realise that you won't be mine... Will never be mine.. I just can't.'.

Not wanting to show him the tears in her eyes, she quickly left the room.

A piece of her just died, but deep inside she knew he was right, though.

She would 'never' be his.

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