Hey all! Thanks for reading everything so far, and thanks for all the positive reviews! In this chapter I"m trying to show Jennifer from a different angle. Hope you'll like it! R&R please!
7. So very lost
'So how is it? To be home again?', Jennifer asked Anna. The girls were sitting in the Hyperion Hotel on Anna's room.
'It's okay.. A little strange. Every time I wake up I expect to see those white walls.', Anna admitted with a slight smile. She'd been home for a week now, and it felt good. Everyone was happy for her, but Jenny seemed rather distant too. Like she had something to hide.. but what?
'How's 'Coppelia' going?', she then asked, changing the subject. She was really done with the whole hospital- issue.
'Very good, but I can tell Helen misses you. I make stupid mistakes.'. Both girls giggled like they hadn't done for a long time.
'I'm sure you don't! You deserve this, Jen.'.
Jennifer stared at the floor, wondering if the guilt would ever disappears. Probably not...
But that was her own fault, after all.
'But if this all wouldn't have happened. You would've gotten the main part!'.
'May be, but this 'has' happened. So why wouldn't you profit from it? This is your chance!'.
'Do you hear what you're saying! Anna, you're completely putting yourself down! How can you say such things!', Jennifer exclaimed.
'It's true! I'm not putting myself down, I'm putting you up! You have the chance now, so take it! Stop feeling guilty about something that wasn't your fault! '. Of course, it hurt Anna badly to give everything she had ever worked for to Jennifer, but she was good at dancing too, and even though she was a little too impulsive sometimes, she did have the heart on the right place.
'It's really impossible to argue with you, isn't it?', Jenny said with a little laugh.
'Yea, because I'm right!', Anna laughed with her. They hadn't shared moments like this for a long time. It felt good.
When Jennifer heard the clock 5 times, she gasped and jumped up. '5 o'clock! I have to go home! Mom is going to kill me!'. She quickly grabbed her jacket and satchel and hurried out after a quick 'bye' to her friend. She'd promised her mother to be home right after school, because she was grounded for her, according to her mother and Wesley unnecessary, low grades. Sometimes Jenny would study, but she just wasn't interested in things like Physics, Maths, or History anymore. It all seemed so rather unimportant.. She had other things to do, like deal with her guilt, and train with Liam and the rest for 'Coppélia'.
'Where have you been?', Holly asked the moment Jennifer walked through the door.
'I was with Anna.. I'm sorry, mom. I forgot.'.
Holly nodded slowly. 'I thought you would be. It's all fine. How is she doing?'. Holly wasn't very fond of visiting Anna. Every time she did so, Angel was there too, looking at her is if he blamed her and Wesley for the accident. And even if she would want to go, she couldn't because she was too busy with her new clinic, and her family, of course. Wesley often complained when she brought work home, so when she would also visit Anna then she wouldn't have any spare time left at all. Even though, a visit was on her to-do list. At the top of it.
'She's okay, getting used to being at home again. She still has therapy three times a week, though.'. Jennifer started to help her mother lay the table for dinner.
'Did you already get your maths test returned?', Holly soon asked the much feared question.
'O, mom!', Jenny groaned frustrated. She was already tired and did 'not' feel like arguing over 'another' bad grade with her mother.
'Do we 'have' to discuss this now?'.
'Yes we do. If we don't do it now, we never will, and you know it!'.
'Fine. It wasn't good.', her daughter admitted.
'Why wasn't it?'.
'Mom! Don't use your shrink-look on me! I'm not one of your bloody patients!'.
'I'm 'not' using my 'shrink-look' on you, Jennifer.', Holly said in a calm voice. Ever so calm.
'And I don't have 'patients', I have 'clients'.
'Yea, whatever!', Jennifer yelled, and she ran upstairs to her room.
Where she could finally let out her actual feelings.
Her tears.
Later that night, Jenny headed downstairs to grab a drink. She had made herself actually try and do some homework for once.
'Jennifer? Could you come here for a second?', she heard from the living-room.
Jennifer sighed and entered the living-room, where she found Holly and Wesley drinking tea on the sofa.
'What this time?', she asked rather annoyed.
'We'd like to have a word with you.', Wesley started. He felt slightly uncomfortable because Jenny wasn't his biological daughter and he wasn't sure how much she would take from him, but he wanted to support Holly in this, so he sit his own feelings aside for now.
'Jennifer, you know Wesley and I are worried about your low grades.', Holly said.
'O great! Are we going there again!', Jennifer exclaimed rather frustrated. She was just 'so' tired about this whole thing.
'But we're more concerned about you.', Holly continued undisturbed.
'About me?'.
'Yes. Don't think we don't know how hard this is for you. Anna gets all the sympathy and pity, and she sure deserves it because she's going through a lot, but so are you, honey. It was an accident. Of course, you shouldn't have been driving that car, but you never intended to hurt somebody.'.
Jennifer looked at them in confusion and shock. She never thought someone would understand her... She never thought someone, 'anyone' would be able and willing to still love her.
'I don't deserve pity, or sympathy, or love.', she said softly, not realising she was crying until she felt the warm tears run down her cheeks.
It hurt Holly badly to see her little girl like this, and before she knew it she was crying as well. She took Jenny to the couch and just held her for a long, long time.
Neither heard Wesley get up and leave; he just felt like the fifth wheel right now. They needed to sort this out themselves.
'You deserve to be loved, honey, you deserve all the love in the world.', Holly cried.
'No I don't, mommy.. I...I.. I slept with Liam.', Jennifer eventually said, sobbing loudly. She just 'had' to tell someone. All the guilt was eating her up from the inside.
Right now she felt like a little girl who desperately needed her mother..
Holly pulled away to look in her daughter's eyes.
'O Jenny..', was all she could say then.
She 'knew' Jennifer wasn't as bad as she and everyone else thought she was right now. She 'knew' her little girl was just so lost.. So very lost... But she would find her. She always would, because Holly 'knew' her daughter need help. She needed to be found.
'Mommy?', Jenny asked, clinging to her mother in despair.
'Hmm?'.
'I miss daddy.'.
'Anna? Are you ready?', Cordelia asked. They were getting ready to go to Anna's therapy session at the hospital. She was living at home again now, but still had those therapy sessions at least three times a week. Eventually, it should help her to get feeling in her legs again, and be able to walk, but until now they were just as paralysed as they had been the past year.
'Yes, I'm ready.', Anna replied from out of her wheelchair. She still felt like it wasn't hers, like it didn't belong to her...
'Angel wanted to come too, but seeing it's 3 pm, it's better for him to stay here. Unless of course we want to collect his dust later today?', Cordy said, heading out with Anna. She helped her in the car, folded the wheelchair and put it on the backseat. Then she took place in the drivers seat.
'Are you nervous?', Anna asked several seconds later.
'Are you?'.
'I asked you first.'.
'All right.. I guess I am, a little.', Cordelia admitted. 'This whole situation is just weird. I mean, you should be dancing 'Coppélia', but life doesn't always go the way we want it to.', she said with a sigh. 'If it did, I would have my own sitcom and be married to Orlando Bloom right now.'.
Both girls laughed, the way Cordy looked at everything was really refreshing. Exactly what Anna needed after all the nervous and serious faces from everyone else, who were trying so hard not to hurt her, or to say the exact right thing. Cordy just said whatever popped up in her mind.
The truth.
And that was 'exactly' what Anna needed.
That night, Jennifer was standing in front of the closed door of Anna's room, shoving her foot nervously. After long conversations with her mother, her stepfather, and even her brother Bryan, she had decided to tell Anna about what had happened between her and Liam. She had tried to discuss it with Liam, she didn't want to do anything behind his back, but he didn't want to hear another single word about it.
After some more hesitation, Jenny knocked.
'Come in.', she heard Anna's voice from inside, and she entered, feeling her heart beat fast in her throat.
'Ann? I have something to tell you.', she started, coming to the point immediately. She was almost crying already, she had never wanted to hurt anybody! She was just so lost..
'Hey, calm down! What's wrong?', Anna looked up concerned to see her upset friend.
Jennifer went to sit on the bed with her, fighting against the always winning tears, wanting to be strong.
'I.. I..'. The words seemed lost too, in her head. If only Anna wouldn't be so 'nice', that would make this a lot easier.. But that was the problem! Anna deserved the truth.
'You, what?', Anna asked gently, but confused. She had honestly no idea what this was all about.
'I slept with Liam.', Jenny then said, along with sobs and cries.
'What?', Anna asked, unable to believe her best friend had cheated on her. With 'her' boyfriend! That was so unfair, what else had been going on behind her back while she wasn't there! While she was almost dying in the hospital! Had they all just forgotten about her then? Was this a joke? It wasn't funny.. Not at all.
'I'm sorry..', Jenny said.
That was the prove to Anna that is 'was' true. It wasn't a nightmare, they had really let her down.
'But 'why' !', she joined Jennifer's crying. 'Why! What did I do wrong to deserve this! Did you all just forget about me while I wasn't here? Is that it!', she sobbed, in terrible pain, anger, and fear. Fear to be lost.
'No!', Jennifer exclaimed through her own blinding tears.
'No, this is 'all' about 'you'!'.
'I don't understand..', Anna responded.
'We were both so lost without you, Anna. So very lost... We just didn't know what to do. No one understood how 'we' felt, everyone could only see your pain. But we were suffering too! We lost a friend!'.
'I'm still here..', Anna defended herself, although she knew exactly what Jennifer meant. She was not the same.. The question was: Would she ever be?
'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..', Jenny repeated, still crying, wondering if this whole come clean thing had been a bad idea after all. But she'd just wanted Anna and everyone else to see that she wasn't such a bad girl as she seemed right now. She was just a girl.. with feelings..
Guilt.
And pain.
'Well, sorry doesn't solve anything now does it?', Anna asked her with a somewhat bitter undertone. She 'wanted' to forgive her ,she really did. And she 'tried' to, but she was already so hurt by Josh.. She felt like all of her friends were letting her down... And then she hadn't even dared to think of Liam yet. How could he do this to her? Why! Hadn't she always been faithful to him, didn't they have plans to become famous together? To dance across the whole world? And to never let anyone come between them? What happened to those dreams?
Jennifer finally found the courage to look up at her friend. 'Can you forgive me, Anna? Please?'.
Anna looked back at her. 'Maybe.. Some day.', she whispered softly.
She had 'never' felt so lost.
So very lost.
