8. The first step of a long way

Time passed very slowly for Anna now she didn't have much friends left. She spent her lonely days in her room, torturing herself by watching 'Red Shoes' over and over again. She now knew pretty much all the lines she didn't know by heart yet, by heart. Her favourite line was said by Anton Walbrook, who plaid Boris Lermontov in the movie. He said: 'You cannot have it both ways. A dancer who relies upon the doubtful comforts of human love can never be a great dancer. Never'.

That line kept going through Anna's mind. Maybe it was true. Maybe human love wasn't meant for her, for someone who has already experienced the true love of music; of the ballet..

But Anna already knew that she needed Liam.

And Josh.

And the ballet, maybe that most of all, because wasn't she doing 'all' of this, just to be able to dance again? Wasn't she living to dance? Or, dying to dance, perhaps? She sure was if you think of all the risks she took for it. The surgery, for example, and the eternal, painful therapy. But this night, she would finally make some progress. It hadn't been all for nothing after all.

There was still hope.

She sat in her room, and had been looking for her black ballet shoes Darla had given her once, a long time ago, all night. It was the only visible thing she'd ever given to her daughter.

Anyway, Anna was wondering where they could be when she suddenly saw them on top of her closet. Quickly, she wheeled over and reached out. Not far enough, though. She could get her father, or someone else to grab them for her, but everyone was busy downstairs and Anna didn't feel like disturbing them for a silly desire like ballet shoes. However, she still wanted them. If only she could stand up.. then she would easily be able to grab them... She could try... Only the thought of standing up already brought cold fear-sweat to Anna's hands. What if it wouldn't work?

She took some deep breaths, looked up at the closet- once just a closet, now the reason to make her get up again- and grabbed the side with one hand, and the knob with the other. In a moment of courage, adrenaline and desire, she pulled herself up.

Disappointing reality hit her when she realised that it wasn't as easy and perfect as she'd secretly wanted it to be. She'd dreamed so often about suddenly getting up, and walking away.

Walking away, not only from her wheel chair, but also from this life.

This life, that didn't feel like hers.

When she got up in her dream, it had felt so natural, as if this silly year had been nothing but a bad dream...

When she woke up afterwards, of course, she was so disappointed to learn that it was exactly the other way around.

And now, when she was finally standing, although it was more leaning or clinging, and experienced the pain it cost her, she realised her dream would probably always stay a dream.

But, driven by her inner strength and willpower, Anna didn't give up. She had a goal, and was determined to reach that goal, standing on her own, tonight.

Ignoring the pain, and the annoying tears running down her face, she let the hand supporting the knob go and reached out for the black ballet shoes. When she grabbed them, it felt so great she didn't have words for it. She 'finally' reached one of her goals! It was almost like the shoes gave her strength, because instead of sitting down and celebrating her victory, she threw the shoes on the floor and let go of the side of the closet too.

Anna closed her eyes, waiting till she hit the ground, but seconds passed and she was still standing.

Slowly, afraid almost to face reality, she opened her eyes.

She was standing... on her own! Who would've thought that, after a year without her legs!

Yet still, it wasn't enough for Anna.

She wanted to walk.

And she would.

Very carefully, she put one step in the direction of the window. Still terrified to lose balance, she stretched her arms out for the window sill, and subconsciously smiled slowly, walking over to it.

Maybe it was like in her dreams after all.

After that night, Anna's life came in a swing-up. Everyone was of course thrilled to see the first signs towards complete recovery.

It took only three months before Anna walked again, almost without pain or any help.

She had also started school again in the mean time. Unfortunately she had to do her last year again; she'd missed too much and hadn't been able to keep up with her lessons and homework in the hospital. It was pretty tough for her now, but she also liked being back in the 'normal world', where not everyone saw her as 'that poor paralysed girl'.

She was just a girl there.

A person.

A student.

On a sunny after noon she was sitting on a bench outside the school with Liam.

'Do you want to come to dance class with me?', he suddenly asked her.

She'd been out long enough now It was time to come back. He needed her back.

'What , dancing class? How can I ! I haven't walked, let alone danced, for a year!', Anna protested. It wasn't that she didn't 'want' to, she did, honestly. But she was afraid.

Afraid that her old life really didn't belong to her anymore.

Afraid that she wouldn't know how to live it anymore.

Afraid to be forgotten...

'I'm just saying maybe you could watch. Everyone would like to see you again, specially Helen. She wanted to visit you more often, but she's been really busy.'

Anna nodded slowly. She could just watch, right? That would be safe... Liam would be with her, protect her.

She needed Liam.

On the way to the dance school neither of them said a lot. Anna wasn't sure what she was feeling. Nerves? Fear? Excitement? Perhaps it was a mix of everything.

'Ready?', Liam asked, parking his car in the one empty spot left.

Anna put her hand in his. 'Ready.'

They got out of the car and entered the dance school Anna used to consider as her second home.

Used to.

'You go inside already while I change, okay?'.

She nodded and opened the door towards the training hall. None of the pupils were there yet, but Hélène was, of course.

'Anna!', she gasped when her eye caught her favourite student. She ran over and pulled the surprised girl in a hug. 'You're back!', she squealed.

'Yes I am!', Anna smiled. 'But just to watch.'

Helen pulled away from the hug. 'Just to watch, hmm. Well that's at least one step in the right direction! And you walk! Formidable!'

The other students, including Liam who still looked really hot in a white T-shirt, entered the training hall as well. They all welcomed Anna back enthusiastically, and when they eventually had started the lesson Anna took place on the wooden bench at the sideline. When she watched them dance, she felt a mix of nostalgia and jealousy. She wanted to dance too, but she knew her doctors and her father didn't quite agree with that. They found she had to take it easy, and since ballet is one of the most intense ways of physical exercise, that's not exactly taking it easy.

After the lesson, when she wanted to leaven Helen stopped her. 'Anna, could you stay for another moment? I'd like to talk to you.'

'Sure...', Anna replied and took place again on the wooden bench with her former dance teacher.

'Did you enjoy the lesson?'.

'Yea', Anna smiled. 'Though I'd rather take part in it than watch.', she admitted.

'I understand, je comprais, which is why I would like to suggest that you slowly start training again.'

'But... the doctors don't want me to, and neither does my dad. They find I have to take it easy..'

'And you will! I mean, I can give you some light private exercise and when you feel ready, you can start to take place in the group-lessons again! Oui? '.

Anna smiled when she noticed Helen's French accent worsened as her enthusiasm increased. 'I'll think about it.', she said. She 'really' wanted to start dancing again, but not against Angel's will.

'Come on, let's try something!'. Helen jumped up and led her to the barre. She handed her a pair of toe shoes and when Anna had put them on they both took place in front of the mirror-wall, on the barre.

'Let's try a small plié, ok?'.

'Okay..', Anna said rather hesitant. She took the pose, and was shocked to find how much it hurt to do such a simple pose!

Helen noticed her awkward face and stopped. 'Stop, stop! It's not supposed to hurt 'that' much. Let's try it again, but take it easier this time.' She helped Anna reach the right position in a more relaxed condition. 'Better?', she informed.

Anna nodded slowly. It didn't hurt as much as the first time, but it definitely still wasn't as easy as it used to be. No, Anna could see she still had a 'long' way to go. But she would get there, eventually.

When Anna returned home she discussed the matter with Cordelia. Not with Angel, because she knew he was too overprotective to agree with this. If Cordy agreed, she could talk to Angel maybe, and hopefully convince him.

'So, Helen thinks it won't influence your recovery in any way?', Cordelia asked. She wasn't as overprotective as Angel, but she sure was concerned about Anna's health. Both her physical 'and' mental health, because what if she would never be able to dance the way she used to again? Would she ever be happy again? Would she ever be 'whole' again?

'Yes, she thinks it's fine as long as I take it easy, and I will!', Anna pleaded, not telling her about the pain a simple plié cost her.

'Well..', Cordy said, considering it. 'Did you discuss it with your dad?'.

'Eh.. I was kind of hoping you would be able to convince him...'.

Cordy smiled. 'Right. I promise you I'll see what I can do, as long as you 'promise' to take it slow. Ok?'.

'Okay. I love you.', Anna smiled at her.

'I love you too, honey.', Cordy smiled back and headed for Angel's office. She hoped he wouldn't be too broody or grumpy.

'Angel? '. She entered, finding him between two piles, huge piles, of files.

'Hmm?'.

'Do you have a moment?'.

'No, but I doubt if that will stop you.', Angel said, not even looking up from his work.

'Not really, no. Anna wants to start dancing again. What do you think of that?', Cordy immediately came to the point.

'What!'. Angel looked up now. 'Start what?'.

'Dancing. Not as much as she used to, but start slowly on.'.

'But, but, the doctors said...'.

'I know what the doctors said, but she will take it easy. Helen will make sure she does so. Angel, you know how much this means to her.'

'She'll overestimate herself!', Angel protested. Anna was his only child, 'the' only child he would ever have, and he was planning to have her around for much longer than today, preferably as healthy as can be.

'No, she won't! And if she does we'll be around to call her back. Just give her a chance, she wants this so badly.', Cordy said with her sweetest smile.

'Fine...', Angel eventually gave in, and then sighed. 'She still has a long way to go, doesn't she?'.

'Yea... But she made the first step'.


Thank you all those lovely people who still read my fic! I hope you liked the chapter! I had just one question: is it very obvious that English isn't my first language, or can't you really tell? Please review and tell me :). I'll try and update soon!