This country is strange, well; compared to what I'm used to at least, probably it's quite normal. I don't understand why they're expending all this effort on me it doesn't make sense. I'm a nobody from another country, why should they care what happens to me either way? I know the way I was brought up was wrong, so I don't really understand the way things work in the real world, but still…
They're expecting too many answers from me and seem to think I'm defective or something. I'm being sent to a psychiatrist or something, I mean, he seemed nice enough and all, but people aren't really nice are they? No one does something for nothing and he gets paid to do this, so there isn't any reason for him to really care at all. I don't have any intention of just talking about my life, the most I'll get is pity and the least I'll get is disgust, neither are things I want. How could anyone possibly understand any of us? We were brought up completely differently from everyone else.
Also, my curiosity towards what is considered 'normal' has brought nothing but trouble. I didn't realise asking if some of the things that we did was okay would result in the beating I received, let alone the closing down of the Abbey. Was our training really so awful? It was all we knew, so it didn't really hurt us…
I don't understand this place, these people, they all show so much weakness yet they don't think of it as that, all these emotions and this kindness is normal, ideal even. It all just seems too unreal; this isn't what we were taught. Maybe this place is an exception; it is only a small town after all, there isn't anyway the whole world could be like this.
I suppose I could check, I have been given full access to a computer and from the few times I was allowed to watch one of the workers, I know you can access a lot of information through the internet. Who knows, maybe I can find out what happened at the Abbey. I could even look into this Kai Hiwatari and find out what I can about him, know your enemy as they say. He could really be genuine I suppose, or it could all be a façade, easy money, it won't hurt to see what I can find either way. Something tells me that I'm going to be spending a long time sat at that computer, there is just too much information I need to learn; thankfully the Abbey trained me well, so it shouldn't be difficult to endure.
Well, that wasn't what I expected, except for the world being corrupt that is. Seems this shrink is genuine, either that or he's an exceptional fraud, everyone trusts and adores him, despite his young age. He takes an interest in everything and is conscientious; he's never forceful and always understanding. Hard to believe, but it's even harder to believe that he could be faking everything. I expect that he's being doing some homework on the Abbey and myself too; I wonder what he thinks to it? Is it really that terrible? I mean it's no worse than military training, right? People are strange, especially the ones here.
The reports concerning the Abbey are no better; some of the things they say are ludicrous. Maybe Boris shouldn't have been doing what he did, but it really wasn't that bad. I didn't realise the consequences of my actions or I wouldn't have done it. Everyone has been sent away; some back home, others to foster homes, others to orphanages and those responsible are being charged with numerous counts of wrongdoings, all because of me. It's hard to accept, I really didn't mean for this to happen, I just wanted to know…
I'm angry with myself and no doubt they are all angry with me too. I'm not afraid, I've done wrong and my judgement is in their hands, that's the way it should be. I don't think even Boris realised just how far this would go however. Regardless, I shall have to deal with this situation as best I can and continue my training; thankfully Boris gave me a good idea of what he intended for me, so I should be able to stay close to what he wanted, even without him being here. Maybe that will help them to understand that I didn't want this to happen, I just let my curiosity get the better of me, and I'm sorry for that.
I don't expect them to understand because they won't care; only the facts matter, and the facts are that I betrayed them, even if it was unintentional. I will accept my punishment for that, however it may come. I'm not afraid, fear is weakness and I am not weak. I will not fail, I will not fall, I will not become weak, I am the Abbey's best and I will make sure it stays that way.
No, I shouldn't be thinking like this still, should I? The Abbey has fallen, Boris will be sent to prison, that life is over. Shouldn't I try to live this way now? These people have gone out of their way to help me, wouldn't it be disrespectful to ignore that? I'm not sure, I keep arguing with myself, which confuses the issue even more, I think I shall just have to take this slowly, one day at a time.
I would like to believe that everything will work out and that the Abbey will be okay, though it's unlikely. Really, I don't suppose I should care; I've failed them completely, so I could never return to the Abbey, even if it was re-established. I can't believe that I made such a stupid mistake, I should have known better.
I think my best course of action would be to continue training and take everything else as it comes, that way at least, I will still remain in good physical condition and be able to defend myself should I need to. It will also stop me from trying to make too many decisions now, when I'm clearly in no position t be doing so. The only real thing I may have to worry about is the psychiatrist, but I will no doubt find that out soon enough. So long as I don't let my guard down, everything will be fine.
Well, there's the second chapter. A little short again I know, but the first two are more for introducing the two boys and the way they think then anything else. Next chapter should be longer (and easier to write) because we'll have nice conversation rather than just 'diary entries'.
Anyway, thanks for the reviews from the last chapter and I'm looking forward to know what people think of poor Tala. Let me know (hint, hint, please review). Ta!
