I can't believe all that happened. I don't even know how long I'm going to be out of work for! It really is the worst… I didn't even really question Tala, I can't believe that I let him off so lightly, he was lying to the Police and I said nothing! Granted I was in a state of shock, I can't say that I've ever even seen a gun before, let alone had someone shoot at me. I wonder what it was about? Too bad I don't understand Russian, though knowing Tala it wasn't an open conversation anyway.
It was strange, he was definitely worried when he heard the noise, and thinking back, he was probably pretty reluctant to see what it was, then he didn't really seem to think at all when he pulled me to safety and was pretty emotionless when he was speaking to the man. Then after they left he took control immediately, not telling me anything, before lying to the Police when they arrived, well, maybe it wasn't lying so much as omitting facts, or is that the same thing really?
Question now, is what to do? To be completely honest, I'm afraid to see him again, both because he's pushing too much for something we shouldn't be doing, and I want to let him, but also because of last night, because I'm afraid that something might happen again. I also want to see him, a lot more, once again, because I want us to get closer, but also because I'm afraid he's going to get hurt. It makes it rather difficult when you want to do something and not want to do something for the same reason.
I wonder how much I've really fallen for him? He is certainly the most attractive person I have ever met, and the most interesting. There are a lot of reasons, but I can't help but think that this seems more like one of those stupid films, and I seem to have the role of the doting woman…
I think it would be best for me to get away from everything while everything is being sorted out, it will help to give me some perspective on things. I need to figure out what it is I want and from there I can sort out how and when to implement it. If I stay in the situation as it is, I'll just become constrained and lose my objectiveness. The only things I need to decide are where I want to go and whether or not I want to tell Tala.
I suppose I ought to tell him something, in case I do decide that I want to take things further with him, even though I shouldn't. For some reason I'm worried about his reaction to it, I don't know why, it seems foolish, and yet…
I suppose I could write a note, let him know I'm leaving town while everything is being repaired, that way I don't have to worry about how he takes it, or about being questioned by him. Of course, I ought to put something in about my rather unexpected act, it would be wrong to just disappear after something like that. I really can't believe that I kissed him.
This is all so confusing, and repetitive too, all I seem to do is think the same things over and over without getting anywhere, it's very frustrating. In some ways, I wish that I'd never met him, that way I wouldn't be having all of these problems, either that or that I could be assertive enough to decide what it is I want. Wouldn't that be a novelty?
Right, enough is enough, no more of this nonsense and no more idiocy. I'm a psychotherapist, how can I possible help others if I can't even help myself? It is absolutely ludicrous for me to act this way, so it has to stop. I will go to see Tala and I will explain that I'm taking a break away while I'm waiting for everything to be completed.
If he asks me about the kiss then I tell him the truth, I don't know why I did it or what, if anything it means, but if he can wait a while, I should be able to figure everything out while I'm away. Really, I think that is all that I can do and it makes things somewhat fairer for Tala, while giving me a chance to see how things go and clear my head of doubts.
Hold on, wouldn't it look strange for me to just turn up there though? After all, he doesn't live alone and I know his foster guardians, so I think it would probably be bad to just turn up to see him. Still, I do need to talk to him right? I can't just leave him without saying anything. No, that didn't come out the way I meant it to. I meant that I couldn't just leave without telling him I'm going. But how can I talk to him without causing problems? Maybe I'll just have to go over there and see what happens? I mean it's perfectly reasonable that they will assume its part of his counselling, right? I guess all I can do is try it and hope that everything goes well.
-
Kai stood hesitantly in front of the Zinrai's house, trying to analyse the situation and how best to handle it. If he were to be honest with himself, then he would know that he was trying to find a way out of the situation, as well as looking for a way to make his feelings for Tala seem acceptable. Either would make him feel more at ease then he currently did, and Kai would certainly welcome the disappearance of the knot in his stomach. Deciding he wasn't as prepared as he thought he was, Kai turned to leave, only to find himself face-to-face with Tala
"Looking for me?" Tala asked mirthfully.
Kai froze briefly, before managing to nod. "I just thought I'd let you know I won't be around for a while, that's all."
Tala pouted playfully before nodding. "Thought you might run away from things while you can't do any work. I am surprised you came to tell me though."
"Well I…" Kai started, but was unable to finish the sentence, which made Tala laugh.
"It's okay Kai, I know. Enjoy yourself for a while, after all, this is all pretty much my fault." Tala replied seriously, despite his laughter.
"Tala, what was that all about? You really confuse me you know?"
"It doesn't matter. Oh and I'm not your client any more, so don't worry about any of that. Just relax, you don't need to stress yourself out."
"You really do confuse me…"
"Good, it makes things more interesting. What fun would it be if you could analyse me? Anyway, I've got to go, so I guess I'll see you when you get back?"
"Uh, yeah. Thanks Tala."
-
I can't believe that was so easy. I really expected Tala to make things difficult. He's frustrating, because I can't figure him out, but at the same time, that's why he interests me so much. Still, is that reason enough for me to care so much?
I don't have to worry about the situation with my job any more, but I'm still trying to make excuses not to be with him, why is that? Is it just because it means stepping out of my security blanket? Feelings for the same sex still aren't exactly accepted or approved, and I suppose I'm afraid of what that means.
I owe Tala more then that though don't I? No, do I really owe him anything? I mean, I don't even know him and all he's done is cause problems for me. There is this attraction though, almost to the point of destitution, but I don't know why.
All of this goes completely against what I'm used, what I know, and if I'm to be completely honest, that scares me. In some ways, I wish that I had never met him, but in others, I don't know what I would do without him. When did I become like this? When did I fall so far? I hate it. I will not allow this to continue, I will regain who I am, no matter what it may cost me to do so. If I stay like this, the only thing I will do is ruin my life.
A long wait and not an amazing chapter. Sorry bows
I'm really struggling with this story and I don't really have much time or energy to write at the moment.
Please review, I really need the inspiration! Only another chapter or two left now I think, so help me finish it? Onegai? Arigato! Ja ne!
