How ridiculous an affair that was, to think someone so highly regarded in his profession of psychology is so very easy to play. I had expected so much more from him, I had expected him to question things, to be more objective and detached, but the ease in which I have him eating out of my hand is disappointing. It's almost sad to believe that people really are as weak and pathetic as Boris has told us. It's more to the pity that Kai didn't offer a better challenge, I can tell that he's intelligent, and he's certainly attractive, but he's too naïve. Though everyone in this place seems to be, so maybe it isn't entirely his fault, he has been sheltered from the real world.

I suppose I'm being a little harsh, I was pretty confused for a while myself, though granted that was because I was trying to allow myself to experience their world, which did require being weak and spontaneous. That did prove problematic with Boris however, it seems that I'm too good at acting for my own good sometimes.

The real question right now is what I do with Kai. Do I continue with this game? I really do like him, despite everything, but I'm not allowed to. If I continue down this path it will cause problems with the Abbey, which I don't want. But equally, should Kai decide he does want a relationship, I don't want to turn him down, considering it's my doing in the first place.

The only compromise would be if Kai were willing to come to the Abbey, but really, I don't know that he would cope all too well; he hasn't ever experienced life like ours, I don't think his body could cope with the stress of it, he's too old. We all started at a very young age to deal with a lot more then Kai has ever known.

I really shouldn't be thinking about this, ties to their world are unacceptable. They are not to be trusted, they are not to be pitied, everything wrong they have brought upon themselves with their pettiness. No, but, it isn't like that here, this place is different from everywhere else. There shouldn't have to be a problem here, this place should be okay. There isn't really anything against our teachings; everyone tries to help each other, they're not backstabbing or demoralising. I suppose that this is for Boris to decide though, after all, I'm pretty naïve myself in a lot of ways, I know very little of this world or it's many sins.

I suppose this time without Kai will benefit me as well, I clearly have things to figure out for myself. Then of course there is always the fact that things will progress with the Abbey quite quickly, so his lack of presence will certainly make things less complicated. Too bad for him, I know he's very curious about the Abbey and our way of doing things, but that is exactly why he would be problematic. People have no right to know the business of others. The work of the Abbey will be well-known soon enough anyway. This world will repent under our guiding hand.

I should have given the situation more thought, while I do often act on anger, I'm not really one to act on impulse, nor lust, but I have on this occasion and now I may be in trouble because of that. I don't understand what this strong attraction to him is, I haven't ever felt like this before, but still… Did I really believe the Abbey was finished? Is that why I acted so foolishly? I know that everything is fine with the Abbey now though, but where does that leave me? Which feeling is stronger I wonder? I'm not sure, nor am I sure which I want to win, which is strange. Never before have I questioned my place with the Abbey, yet since meeting him… I wonder, is it possible that I could love him? It doesn't sound particularly realistic given the time frame, but this incessant need does make me wonder.

This situation really annoys me, considering that I am usually the one in control, of myself and of the situations that concern myself; but with this, I feel beyond helpless and I cannot stand that. I am not one to be unsure of myself; I know what I want, so why, what makes this situation so different from everything else? What makes Kai stand out so much? Is all of this my own doing, because of my foolish mistake? Did I lose so much of what I learnt? I won't accept that, I won't believe that I became the same of those fools. I am from the Abbey, I know that this world and its people cannot be trusted and that they cannot see things for what they are. I will not fall into that trap, I will not fail, not now or ever, I refuse.

I wonder how long it will be until I can return home? I do hope that they won't make me wait too long. This place is too strange, and too warm… Funny that I suddenly find the need to complain, no matter how petty a complaint it is. I really am so far from my usual self, I just want to go home, back to the Abbey and be strong again. This desire for him is making me weak and weakness is intolerable.

Tala enough already! Really, when did I become so pathetic? This is unacceptable. Concentrate on what is important and not these pathetic insecurities. You are the best the Abbey has to offer, what kind of example would this set to everyone else? Forget all the nonsense that has happened here, concentrate on what matters. Boris will not look kindly on failure or weakness and I already have enough to make up for, without making things worse with this foolish behaviour.

This idiocy with Kai is just no good, I have to regain control. The Abbey needs all of us and after everything Boris has done for me, I cannot let him down any more than I have already. Outsiders will be judged on their sins, if Kai is worthy then that will come to light, but for now, I must concentrate on my duty. We cannot allow the world to continue as it is or there will be nothing left of it. This is much more important then any feelings I may have, this is the life of the planet and everything on it.

But if that's the case, if that is what I have believed all my life, then why do my thoughts keep drifting to Kai? No, not just Kai as an object of interest, his words, his reactions, as a professional in his field. They all see the Abbey as wrong and I can't ignore that, why not? It shouldn't mean anything to me, so why do those words hold my attention so much? Do I really want to believe them? Do I really doubt Boris and our training? Why do I need him and his approval so much? This is infuriating!

To believe I have been polluted so very much in such a short time…what was I thinking? Boris will be so very displeased with me. No, I shouldn't be concentrating on this, I have a job to do. First things first, I need to arrange a meeting with them and find out what is expected of me. That is the only way I am going to get back on track.

-

A letter from Boris? Finally, I may actually get to do something, rather than sitting around so aimlessly. It has been two weeks since Kai went away and am I in a much better state than I was. It makes me wonder, just what happened, but I know it is of no relevance, especially now.

I see, so perhaps this wasn't all my fault after all, I didn't think that I'd said enough for them to take action. So this is what he had in mind all along? Then I have nothing to worry about, the test with Kai was merely to prepare me for the things to come. Good, this makes things much easier.

So that is all that is expect of me? That seems quite mild, though I suppose we mustn't start too large too quickly, lest we fail. The nihilistic tendencies of humanity must be irradiated if humanity is to survive. I have no doubt of what I must do, and I will do whatever it takes.


Well, once again, huge delay and not particularly good chapter. Sorry again. Hopefully I'll be able to pick it up again once I get past this rather difficult bit. Please review, even if it's just to complain, maybe it'll help, lol. Later.