I'm really rather surprised by just how much I needed this break. I hadn't realised how stressed I was. I don't often allow myself to feel anything though, so I suppose it isn't really surprising. I am such a hypocrite, I spend all day telling people what not to do for their mental health and then I go and do the exact thing I told them not to. I know that bottling up emotions is unhealthy, so why do I feel the need to do it? I of all people should know better.
For that much, I should be glad for Tala's rather annoying tendencies, because it is only through that I was able to realise how much damage I was doing to myself, though only with distance from everything. To remove oneself completely from that which causes harm, in order to properly evaluate the situation in a detached manner. Basic training and common sense, so why then do I seem to be so good at excluding myself from these things? Are people really so blind to themselves?
I suppose that I should concentrate on the main problem in my life right now, and attempt to figure out what exactly it is I want. Everything moved so quickly in such a short space of time that I'm not even completely sure what happened. It doesn't help that I can't read Tala either, he's a contradiction.
Physically I can't deny that he's attractive, that fact was perfectly obvious from the moment I first saw him. Under normal circumstances though, would I have even spoken to him? Probably not, I'm more the type to run than I am to actually converse with people I don't know. Though saying that, Tala doesn't seem to be the type to care, or let things stray too far. He wanted my attention and he wasn't taking no for an answer, regardless.
That is the major problem with all this though, isn't it? I'm not used to not being in control of things and neither is he. Tala won't back down and I don't want to, I'm afraid of submitting to someone else's will. He interests me a lot, but that doesn't mean anything, does it? That still isn't answering the question. Do I want to become involved with him? I do want him, badly, I know that, but that's his fault, he shouldn't have kissed me.
That feeling, it really is amazing, I have never experienced anything like it, but I don't know what it is, what it means. It's frustrating, because knowing that could answer my question. If it's just lust, then no, I don't want to get into a relationship with Tala, but if it's...
Could that really be true though? Could either of us really feel something like that? We don't even know that much about the other. That feeling though, could it really just be lust? I don't think I can make myself believe it is. The feeling is just too pure. I don't want to call it love either though, I don't believe in the concept of just meeting someone and being in love, it defies all logical rationale.
Destitution really is the closest word I can think of to describing it right now, but where would such a thing come from? What could possibly tie us together so strongly? What is it that we see in each other that we need so badly? So similar yet so very different. Strength and weakness intermingles to create one stronger form. I don't think I even know what I mean any more. I've lost the plot completely. What have you done to me Tala?
No, it isn't fair to blame everything on Tala, a lot of it is my own fault. I'm not going to let myself hide behind a lie and remove all fault from myself, I'm not that petty. After all, what kind of psychologist would I be then? Accepting blame is the first step to dealing with the problem. Only when you admit your fault and are ready and willing to do something about it, can anything be achieved, otherwise, it's all just a waste of time.
I just don't know what I want, am I lonely I wonder? Certainly as much as I hate to admit it, I have really enjoyed all the attention he's been giving me. Tala is the only person who has been able to understand me, he isn't afraid of what I do, that I'll read everything. I do enjoy his company, as uncomfortable as he makes me feel. I'm not used to being read by other people, let alone being unable to read someone else. Is that what the attraction is though?
I think that is the case, I think it's just because he actually poses a challenge to me. Tala isn't afraid to push his luck, he isn't intimidated by me at all. I like that, I like being pushed, being thrown out of my depth. So, that's all it is then? Good, that solves my problem then. Though I am still curious as to Tala's motivation in all this, not that I have much chance of figuring it out, he doesn't make any sense to me at all.
All this with the Abbey, in some ways it has helped him a lot, he's very strong for it, but in others, it's caused him so much harm, from my perspective at least. They don't share the same beliefs that we do, that much is obvious. The way he reacts to things, I think they may be anti-sociological, though they clearly aren't against hierarchy with the structure that was set up within the Abbey. So is it just the way modern society works that they have a problem with? I can't really see Tala giving me any answers about it, for everything that's happened we still don't really know anything about them.
The only thing I know for certain, is that there is much more to him than meets the eye. There are too many variables to truly have any chance of working him out, not without knowing the facts. A frustrating truth, but truth nonetheless. All I can do is try to learn a little more about him and ultimately about the Abbey, such information could be invaluable in future. Will Tala allow it though? Unfortunately he isn't like everyone else, he has a very good handle on psychology in his own right...
Think Kai, he has to have given you something you can work with. There has to be something I can work on, something that will help me understand this, at least a little better. I just need to think back and figure it out, I can do this, I know I can. I don't much like the sound of being beaten at my own game.
On that last occasion with him, he actually seemed, dare I say it, normal. He was being playful and he showed some compassion and concern, among other occasions where he's shown 'normal' characteristics. He can clearly fit into our culture, if he wants to, but that's the problem isn't it? They were bought up to dislike our culture and way of doing things.
Also, his comment about being surprised, I had wondered if he was leading everything for some purpose or other, but I do believe that he was genuinely surprised, so at least not everything in this is a game to him. The fact that he removed himself from my practice proves that he is quite capable of controlling things when he wants to, that he convinced them that he doesn't need to be there, without me being asked for my opinion shows a lot of manipulative skills.
Finally was one of the last comments we made, I said, 'you really do confuse me…' to which he replied, 'good, it makes things more interesting. What fun would it be if you could analyse me?' From that, I can only assume that at least some of his interest in me is purely intellectual, I'm apparently a little more amusing than the others because he can put me out of my comfort zone without too much difficulty, but it doesn't deter me, I still try to figure everything out.
It's hard to believe that so little time has passed, it seems as though it should be much more. I don't think I've actually seen him even a dozen times and only twice in a professional manner, though one of those was just an introduction, more speaking to the Zinrai's than to Tala. How did he manage to get such a reaction in such a short time? I don't even know what to believe, he acts so many different ways I can't keep up.
Maybe Tala doesn't know who he is, after all, he's been very restricted because of the Abbey. Could at least part of him acting in so many different ways be because he's trying to find his identity? Of course, at least part of it is for his own amusement and part of it is him playing situations to his own advantage. I suppose that could be down to insecurities, that is something I do after all, hide behind a façade of indifference...
Calm and collected, feral and lustful, afraid and insecure, playful and (playfully) sadistic. Is that all the different sides I've seen of him? By themselves, or given in a wider set of circumstance and time, none of them are unusual, it's only because he seems to jump so quickly between them that I perceive it as a problem. I don't think schizophrenia is the problem though, he has far too much self control for that, he knows what he's doing and he doesn't seem the type to 'hide' from reality, he just gets on with things.
The more I think about this, the more I want to talk to him, I want him to answer my questions for a change. Analysing a few things is all good and well, but it doesn't tell me how he thinks or feels, not really. I just don't know enough about him. Maybe I could give him a call? I don't think that the Zinrai's would mind and I know the phone is cordless, so Tala would be able to talk to me in privacy. Yes, I think I might do that, even if he won't answer me, at least that way I've tried. There isn't really much more I can do than that, is there? Really, why does he have to complicate everything so much?
-
Kai dialled the number to the Zinrai residence, hoping the the Russian redhead would be in and would be willing to talk, since Kai no longer had any professional privilege everything relied solely on Tala. Kai sighed softly as the telephone rung without answer, finally switching over to the answer machine.
"Hello, it's Kai, I was..." The message was cut short as Kai heard the telephone being answered.
"Well, hello Kai. Calling for me?" Tala's voice asked in the same mirthful tone as before.
"Yes, I was actually. I wanted to talk to you about some things." Kai heard Tala snort disdainfully, apparently knowing what Kai wanted and not being too thrilled about it.
"Still trying to analyse everything? Don't you get bored of it? I certainly do. I have no interest in answering any of that and you know it."
"Tala...I just...I just want to understand you better, what's wrong with that?"
"How you do it is what is wrong Mr Hiwatari, I told you that already. I think it is about time we ended this game, you no longer hold my attention."
"Tala wait! Please just listen to me? Can you really just throw me aside so easily? What exactly am I to you? Just a toy?"
"You really don't get it, do you Kai? Well that's okay, you don't need to understand. You don't hold any importance in this, so yes, I can drop my dealings with you that easily. You are a disappointment Kai, I expected more from you, but that no longer matters. And to answer your unasked question, no, I don't have any feelings for you, let alone love. Good bye Mr Hiwatari."
Tala turned the telephone off, leaving a stunned Kai listening to a hollow tone. After a minute had passed, Kai finally replaced the telephone on the receiver, still surprised by the redhead's words. In all his dealings with the Russian, he had never before acting in such a harsh and cold manner.
-
I can't believe that he said something like that? Why would he...? What's changed so suddenly for him to act like that? I can't...how could he say something like that? I don't believe this. Damn it Tala, how was that necessary? No, calm down Kai. Why does this even hurt so much? I don't understand, I don't have feelings for him either do I? So why do his words hurt me so much? I don't understand this at all...
Do I...no, that's just stupid, come on Kai, just stop it, that doesn't matter at all. It isn't as though I didn't already know that he didn't love me, so what does it matter if he said it? We weren't in a relationship and we weren't ever going to be, it doesn't make any difference. I don't think I can make myself believe this, the truth is that Tala got under my skin, I did actually care for him, even if I shouldn't have done.
I don't know how much of it may have been a lie, or a game, but I'm sure that not all of it was. I know some of it was real, so something has to have changed while I've been away. Could it be something to do with the Abbey? After all, Tala did admit that what happened was because of him, because of them. I can only assume that whatever he said meant that they got back in touch, which is presumably why he removed himself from my registry.
Still I'm worried about that, is it possible that Tala is trying to push me away? If so, why? It could be to protect me or him, but from what? Would the Abbey hurt us if they thought Tala cared for me? Or it could be that he doesn't want any ties because it makes 'job' harder? I'd rather believe that it's the latter, though either way he's running away and hurting me in the process.
Of course, I could be completely wrong, that wouldn't surprise me, I am trying to make it at least somewhat positive towards myself. The fact of the matter is that I don't have a clue how he feels, maybe this has all just been a game? I suppose the only way I have any chance of finding out is by going back and seeing him, even if he doesn't want to see me. I don't think I can leave it like this...
It's a little longer, a little quicker to get doneand hopefully a little better quality than the last couple. Hope you like it. Please let me know. Thanks!
