Killua sighed in appreciation as he gazed out the window of their personal room, the nighttime cityscape was glorious as always. Stars sparkled in the sky, and the beautiful marbles of not-so-distant alien planets hung in the inky expanse. The moon was a sparkling half circle, shining down upon the city that was a night sky all on its own.

The Valkyrie stood with his arm braced against the window, and his forehead leaned against it. Fluffy white hair, mussed with sleep, framed his face messily. It was growing out, and was well in need of a haircut. His tail was flopped lazily across the ground behind him, sprawled about like a snake.

As beautiful as this scene was… it was nothing compared to the boy standing next to him.

Gon's tan skin reflected the light from the stars and the city, making him glow against the night. His amber eyes held a dull shine to them, just barely illuminating the air around him. His eyes were like fireflies, their meadow the cityscape. His hair was floppy and limp, pressed up against one side of his head, the side he slept on. He wore nothing but his undershorts, and the sculpted planes of his chest and stomach drew Killua's eyes and warmed his lower belly.

"Killua," he whispered, Kurapika and Leorio dozing in their respective rooms.

"Hm?" the Valkyrie hummed in his throat, glancing out the corner of his eye at the hybrid, and the object of his every waking thought. His mind was always on Gon, especially since the wall had come down. He thought about his eyes, his dark toned skin, his coarse hair that hung low and lazy into his eyes whenever he first woke up in the morning. He thought about his voice… that silky tenor just on the cusp of baritone, a voice that sang to his soul and whispered in his ears in the dark of the night.

He thought about his sculpted body, years of training built up in that impeccable physical form. The chemical that lay beneath his veins, waiting to morph him into a being of chaos and destruction. He thought about the slick toxin that secreted from his neck, powerful enough to lay waste to a king serpent, and potent enough to break through even Killua's poison defenses.

He really was an incredible being… but his personality was even more incredible.

He danced with Killua in ballrooms stock full of beautiful and rich girls, he tugged him along on incredible adventures. He met his gaze, not in fear but in friendship. Never once had it crossed his mind to turn Killua over to his family for compensation, or to drug him in the night and sell his blood to rogue sorcerers. He stood by Killua, and kept his hand on his shoulder in the hardest of times…

He was his greatest friend.

But there was this haze against Killua's vision. A haze against his consciousness. He knew he did nothing but sap off Gon's light like some sort of wretched parasyte… but he wanted more. He wanted to feel that tan skin beneath his hands, he wanted to taste that smiling mouth. He wanted to drown beneath that powerful weight, he wanted to be drawn in close never to be relinquished again.

His heart ached with longing, he liked him so much…

But that was all for naught.

Because never could Gon like him back. Never could those feelings be returned.

Why couldn't Killua just take him as a friend? Gon took him as he was, why couldn't he take Gon for what he was? A best friend? Why did he long for more, for the soft smile of a lover in the place of the sparkling grin of a brother? For the passionate embrace of a partner for life rather than the casual sling of an arm around his shoulders?

He'd wanted to be closer to Gon since the moment he'd laid eyes on him.

But it so seemed that he'd always want to be closer to Gon.

Killua wanted to get as close as he possibly could, with souls so entwined and bodies so close that there was no room left to breathe.

The impossibility of it was suffocating to say the least.

But Killua found himself unable to quell these feelings… no, they were here to stay.

He could live with this… he could live with this unbearable distance between the two of them.

He could live with those tan fingers hung at Gon's side rather than reaching out to cup Killua's cheek–

The Valkyrie inhaled sharply as rough fingers grazed his cheekbone. The sensation sent shivers down his spine and heat through his face and groin. He blinked, scared to gaze directly into those eyes because what would he find there? Friendship? Or the far worse alternative? An alternative that would have Killua tumbling from the sky, head over heels with no turning back whatsoever? An alternative that scared Killua as much as he longed for it?

"You're… really pretty," Gon murmured.

Killua's breath hitched in his throat, and he moved his eyes to focus on Gon's. Locked in a cage of sparkling amber, he felt his face go slack. Those words had been everything he had wanted to hear since he had come to terms with what he was feeling for this boy. And that look in his eyes… was everything Killua could have ever begged for and more.

It was something that he could only dream into reality–

Gon gazed up at him, up at Killua who was a mere two inches taller. His fingers traced along that pale cheekbone, and down along a sharp jawline. The Valkyrie was frozen, unable to move and unable to process. The only thing he was aware of was this moment.

The hybrid's amber depths glowed softly at Killua, emotions swirling lazily in those brilliant tawny pools. His eyes said it all–

All that Killua had been longing for these past couple of days had been for Gon to look at him like that. For him to look at the Valkyrie with the same eyes that he himself hid beneath silver bangs and sassy remarks.

Those fingers twisted slowly to cup Killua's chin, and a thumb poked up and brushed leisurely against his mouth.

The silver haired boy's lips tingled, and the thumb stayed in place.

"So soft," Gon whispered as he stepped forwards, eyes low lidded and fixated on Killua's mouth, which had gone slack in surprise.

The hybrid leaned further forward, up on the tips of his toes to meet Killua's height. He braced one strong hand on the back of the Valkyrie's neck, and left the other cupped against that pale chin, bringing his thumb down to free up Killua's lips.

The Valkyrie's heart pumped loud in his ears, and his cheeks flared red.

Gon shut his eyes, and Killua kept his eyes open. He was far too frozen and longing to close them now, no, he had to see for himself–

Thick dark lashes reflected the silver light of the moon, and a soft pair of lips brushed against Killua's. The kiss was so soft and innocent, yet it made Killua weak in the knees. He moved his hands to Gon's hips to steady himself, and his palms felt feverish as they came into contact with the hybrid's bare skin.

The hand on Killua's chin moved to the back of his head, slipping into his silvery locks and keeping him in place. He finally closed his eyes as Gon tilted his head to deepen the kiss, waves of emotion crashing over his head. His soul wanted to both dance for joy and melt into a puddle at the same time.

Gon was so incredibly gentle, as if Killua were a pane of glass ready to shatter at any given second. Was this really happening? Could this really be reality? How did Killua deserve to be this happy?

The assassin was still frozen on the spot, barely having the mind to kiss Gon back. Needing to brace his hands on the stranger's hips just to keep his feet under him. His tail remained still as death, a reflection of his nerves.

Gon's other hand slipped up to grip Killua's hair, and the Valkyrie moved his hands to the other boy's shoulders, feeling unsure about where they should be. Gon sighed out of his nose, breathing against Killua's mouth and causing him to shudder and release a little mewl. The hybrid hummed against the Valkyrie's lips in response, taking the noise as a sign to move forward.

He tightened his hands, gripping Killua's hair in a vice. He angled his head and the kiss picked up pace, gaining heat by the second. Killua's heart was a racehorse in his chest, the heat pooling in his stomach leading him to move his hands to Gon's hair, gripping on for dear life. He tugged at the coarse strands, and the hybrid purred low in his throat, the sensation vibrating against Killua's mouth.

Egged on by the new stimulation, Gon parted his lips and a hot tongue licked gently against Killua's mouth. The Valkyrie gave a shuddering gasp, and obeyed. He cracked his lips open, and then there was no going back. Gon's tongue thrust into his mouth without hesitation, slipping up against Killua's and sending stars flashing behind his lids.

The horned boy stepped forward, pushing Killua against the window and pressing them flush together. The contrast between the chilly glass and Gon's scalding skin made Killua shiver, and the hybrid explored the inside of his mouth with fervor. The kiss was fast and sloppy, sending heat directly to Killua's pants. Gon crushed up against him, rolling his hips slightly and sending sparks flying–

Killua awoke with a start, flinging the blankets off of his sweating body and tossing Gon's stolen pillow to the floor. He was sweating like crazy, and he could feel that his face was flushed. The remnants of the dream were still fresh in his mind, and he found himself disoriented and wondering where Gon had gone. His lips were still tingling from the imagined sensation, and he brushed his fingers across them.

The Valkyrie's chest was aching, and butterflies danced in his stomach.

His heart raced a million miles an hour.

That dream was–

In my dream I was–

Killua glanced down, still unable to properly process what he had just woken up from. What he found when he looked downwards, however, filled him with a sense of dread, shame, and self-disgust. His undershorts were tented, and he was hard as a rock.

"Shit," he breathed. Killua drug his hands through his messy white hair, tugging at his scalp in a meager effort to punish himself. "I can't believe this."

He was horny as fuck, and the images from that dream continuously flashing across his mind were not helping. His tail twisted and swished behind him, like a cat in heat. A comparison that was not entirely inaccurate.

I got a hard on from being all close to Gon yesterday, and my thoughts have been entirely consumed by him ever since the barrier was broken. And now those thoughts and desires have slipped into my dreams.

Killua bit his knuckle, mind hazy and clouded. His erection was throbbing and begging for attention, but–

No!

I can't do that!

I can't defile Gon like that.

This can't happen, he's my friend!

I can't feel this way! Or at least, I can't act on it. I– these feelings are not going away, that much is clear… but that doesn't mean I can stain Gon's sparkling image with my own stupid horny shit.

Killua launched himself out of the bed, landing silently on his feet. He rushed silently to the bathroom, wishing that he weren't lurching with every step. The Valkyrie slipped into the cold tile room, and shut the door noiselessly behind him. Free to make noise now that he was surrounded by these thick walls, he aggressively flipped the light switch and slammed his palms onto the counter.

He gazed into his own reflection, sapphire eyes dilated and dark with lust.

He hated that expression.

Because he knew that it had come from him thinking about Gon.

Gon who was a clean and untarnished presence in Killua's life, Gon who did not under any circumstance deserve to be dirtied by Killua's mortal desires.

Hating seeing his own stupid sweaty face too much, the assassin turned his back on his reflection and crossed the bathroom. He was still uncomfortably hard, and he had to get rid of this somehow. He knew that this was not a boner that would go away with determination and a fiery will.

No, he was far too riled up for that.

Stupid fucking dream.

My stupid fucking brain.

Killua switched the water on, and put it on the coldest setting. He pulled his undershorts down, hissing as he was fully freed and bared to the chilly bathroom air. His tail was still swishing around behind him, and he hated that so much. If he ever got worked up like this in front of anyone

Gods fucking dammit.

There would be no hiding it.

No, not with his fucking tail right there translating his every thought.

Why the fuck didn't I seal my tail. Why the fuck didn't I seal my tail?!

I wouldn't be dealing with this SHIT if I hadn't been too big of a fucking pussy to seal my goddamn tail!

So what if it fucking hurts like a bitch?! So what if it hurts worse than getting your dick cut off?!

I fucking deserve to have it retracted back into my spine!

It's the least I could do to atone!

What the ever loving FUCK is wrong with me.

Tears pricked in Killua's eyes, and he trembled with emotion. He wanted to bash his head against the tile walls, but that would make too much noise. Not to mention that the scent and aura of spilled Valkyrie blood would attract too much attention.

Killua stepped into the shower, wincing at the sub-freezing temperature. He forced himself to stand under the ice cold rain until he calmed down and had flattened back out. Then he stayed there, for punishment. The water hurt, and his sensitive tail was burning as it dropped below his necessary body temperature. He felt his wings rustling beneath their seals, straining to instinctively cocoon Killua's body and defend him from the cold.

Whenever his wings pushed against the seals like that…

Killua felt incomplete.

He was all too aware of his wings, their presence, and the fact that they weren't there.

He had gotten used to it, but every now and then he wouldn't be able to control the unsavory sensation. He felt so trapped whenever they wrestled with their thorny bondage. Like he was stuck in a tiny box and unable to move or even breathe.

He hated feeling this way, and it made him want to lash out.

It made him want to get violent, to scream and destroy.

But no.

He couldn't do that.

Not just because he couldn't destroy private property and he didn't want to bother the others with his shit, but because he deserved to feel like this right now.

Killua sank down in the shower, and sat directly beneath the spray with his legs drawn up and his arms wrapped around his knees. He rested his head in the nest of his arms, and fought off that stupid and cowardly urge to cry. Tears were still threatening to spill down his cheeks, but he didn't deserve to cry.

No, crying was for people that had real problems and good reason to bare their raw emotions to the world.

Killua was just a stupid, disgusting, animal of a person who couldn't stop getting all hot and bothered over the thought of his best friend.

He hadn't felt this down in the dumps and dejected in a long time… not sense he had been wandering aimlessly in between leaving home and finding the Hidden Oasis.

Gon… I care about you way too much. Way too much for normal.

You mean the world to me, and I can't begin to understand why you would want someone like me by your side… nor can I begin to understand how someone like me can be so happy when I'm around you.

Your friendship is everything I could have ever wanted, it is everything.

But why am I still greedy?

Why do I still long for more?

Why can't I just… be grateful and happy with what I have?

Why can't this be enough for me?

Cause… this has to be enough. I can't allow myself to long for you like this!

I'm so sorry, Gon.

I'm so, so sorry.