Trigger Warning: depiction of panic attack


Gon sat, trembling. Cold.

Was it over?

Yes.

It was over.

It felt like it had been forever but… no.

It couldn't have lasted more than an hour.

He looked down at his hands, stained in blood with knuckles tattered and ripped from punching through skull and bone. Repeatedly. Each blow had broken Gon a little more… but he hadn't been able to stop. He had been drowning in that feeling, and unable to control himself.

The blood was thick and gray. Appearing lifeless in color… oh, but in no way was that the case.

The sticky warmth of it against his skin and the still twitching corpse before him were indication enough that this was no nightmare.

Gods… he sure wished it were, though.

Because then he could wake up.

Then he could go back.

There was no going back.

Gon forced himself to look forward. He forced himself to look at that face. He choked, gagging. He threw up to the side. Over and over again. He retched until there was nothing left but air and a burning and bleeding throat.

"No," he thought to himself. He had to look. He had to.

These were the consequences of his actions.

These were the consequences of his failure.

He needed to look.

Gon turned back to the tattered corpse, and managed not to gag. His breath was fast and ragged in his throat, barely managing to slip through all the blood yet fast and uncontrollable all the same. His heart felt like it was convulsing in his chest, and oh god he was breathing so fast.

Calm down–

Calm down–

He couldn't breathe yet he was breathing so much–

With a shuddering gasp, Gon jerked to action and stabbed a finger directly into his own chest. His nail hit the bone of his ribcage, and the red of his blood mixed with the steely gray of the corpse. He calmed down. Pain always calmed him down.

He removed his finger from inside his own flesh, and his arms went limp at his sides.

Staring at the mutilated pile of goop that had used to be–

That had used to be…

He started crying.

Slowly at first, but it was inevitable.

He had done this. He had done this. It was all Gon. It was all his fault.

Because he was stupid and weak.

But… he was already as strong as he could possibly be. H-he had said it himself–

Gon was at the peak of his growth. He was at his most powerful form.

And yet–

"I-I didn't realize that being weak was this painful," the hybrid choked out, bloodied and beaten. Sitting alone in the empty battlefield. Corpse splayed out beneath him, getting colder with each minute Gon spent sobbing.


AN: flashback chapter is back for season 3, extra trauma edition***