Warning: Spuffiness lies ahead. But don't worry; an end will be put to that.
Playing With Matches
Buffy closed the door, sucking in her breath. That was a close call. She had been surprised to see Harry up this late at night. She was shaken, but made up an obvious sounding excuse. If she just slipped out without detection, it would have been as if nothing had happened. But now someone had seen her leave, and Buffy irrationally thought that that made what she was about to do more real. God, I'm an idiot she thought. What kind of person slips out at night in hopes of running into a neutered vampire?
"Argh!" she cried as she strode down the sidewalk. "I'm like a moth drawn to the flame. An evil and incredibly sexy flame. Bad, bad Buffy!" Of course that was Spike's cue to pop out of the bushes. What, is he stalking me? Buffy wondered. And then oh, yea, yea he is. Congratulations self, for the worst timing ever award.
"So, Slayer, you finally admit it" Spike said with a smirk. He swaggered towards her with the most dignity that a person who pops out ofbushes could muster. "You think I'm sexy," he said, drawing out the word. "You want meeee."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Actually Spike, I'm a burgeoning pyromaniac. I just can't resist those hot, sexy landfills just waiting to be set on fire. Why else do you think I blew up my old high school?"
Encouraged, Spike caught up with her and grabbed her arm. "I knew it was only a matter of time."
"Before what, I set fire to UC Sunnydale?"
Spike, losing patience with Buffy's evasiveness, responded by pulling her body closer to his own. "Before this."
Buffy's breathing became shallow and her heart began thumping in her chest. This was what she came for, wasn't it? To play a round of hit the Spike and then pump up the sexual tension? Buffy didn't know what she wanted anymore. But she wanted him didn't she? Don't I? He's the only one who gets it. Who'll have me. But you hate him. Shut up! All of the voices in Buffy's head were conflicting each other. And she hated everyone for it. She hated Spike for making this so hard for her, her friends for not understanding anything and most of all herself. This is wrong. So wrong. Remember when everything was so simple? When Spike was evil and you fought evil? Buffy paused, looking into Spike's eyes, which were filled with longing. Maybe I want to be wrong.
Buffy leaned in, letting Spike kiss her. She tried to get caught up in Spike's passion. Spike, who didn't seem to care that they were standing in front of her neighbor's house, probably breaking all sorts of indecency laws. But despite Spike's obvious skill and lust for her, she became suddenly and ridiculously focused on his lack of body heat. He's cold. His hands slid down her lower back. But he wants me.
Spike guided her backwards until she was against a hedge, never breaking contact once. Buffy just tried to feel as leaves became tangled in her hair and Spike's body pressed against her. This is what you want. This is what you deserve. Nobody else could ever make you feel so good and so revolting all at once. She let out a groan, which Spike misinterpreted as pleasure, becoming more urgent with his attentions. A small voice suddenly popped into her head. You don't have to, you know. Spike isn't the only one who could make you feel good. You don't need to be punished. As obvious as this thought was, it had never struck Buffy before. That maybe she didn't need to punish herself. And that maybe by doing this thing…she was punishing Spike too.
Buffy broke contact with Spike and firmly took his hands off of her body, but holding onto them all the same. "I can't do this."
Spike looked worried. "Of course you can, you're no virgin." He had been trying to make a joke, but the look in Buffy's eyes made him realize that she was serious this time. She wasn't bluffing.
"No. I don't mean that I can't do it. I mean that I can't do this."
Spike thought about stalking off, but she was holding his hands, and her eyes were so bright with feeling. She had never been so gentle with him. I guess that if this is a side effect of no sex, then I'm ok with it.
"I'm sorry. But this…this is killing me."
"Buffy…" He couldn't bear the thought that she had wanted him to hurt her. Her eyes were glistening with tears, and he could tell that she was about to walk away, he'd never have another chance. Oh do it already! Give the girl a proper send off.
And then Spike did what was to Buffy, the most unimaginable thing. He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. And then he said "good luck."
Buffy stood for a long time just looking at him, finally giving him a slow smile and turning back towards her house. She wondered if Spike realized how great the gift he'd just given to her was. I think Spike just discovered what love really is.
Spike just stared after her as she walked away. Oh sod, I need to go get drunk before I regret letting her go.
Buffy went back to the house and walked in, closing the door and sliding against it. Yes, she was aware that Harry was probably awake, and that he knew she couldn't possibly patrol that fast. But what did she care? A great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She was free. Free to do anything that she pleased. Of course, she had always been free, she just hadn't realized it.
Buffy heard a rustling noise and noticed Harry get off of the couch. "Back from patrolling already?"
"Hmm? Yea, yea I am Harry." Harry, Harry, Harry. From now on I'm going to use people's names when I talk to them. It sounds friendly. Can I be a friendly person? This was strange. None of Buffy's other breakups had ever made her feel this happy. Mostly there was the rage. And the crying. And the one time when she sent her ex-boyfriend to hell.
Wow, Harry thought. She's sure relaxed. I wonder if it's a post slayage thing.
I can be happy and interested in stuff Buffy thought, delighted at the mere idea. I'm going to start now.
"Hey, Harry," she said casually. "You look like you can't sleep either. Earlier you were telling me about your friends. You told me all about your job, but you didn't really talk about them. If you want…we could, I don't know, talk?"
Harry was surprised that Buffy would want to know anything about him, but he could feel his heart go out to the hopeful, needy, beautiful gaze she was giving him. "Of course. I'd like to…talk."
For a while they just sat on the couch, unsure how to start. It wasn't even awkward, Buffy realized, just peaceful. She hadn't really paid much attention to her inadvertent guest. She had invited him to stay as a sort of hasty penance. I sure like to punish myself. But he wasn't really a punishment. He was a shy, polite British guy who just happened to be kind of cute. She snuck a glance at him. Unruly hair, glasses, human. He wasn't exactly her type. But she admitted that he was good looking. That is, if you were into that sort of thing.
Harry finally began. He hadn't really meant to tell her much. Maybe it was the dark house or the insomnia, or maybe Buffy, but soon he was spilling his life's story. Voldemort, his parents, living with the Dursleys, finding out about being a wizard, and all the things he had to face and friends who died. Buffy just listened. For once, she listened to someone else's sorrows and hardships. She would never have guessed that this guy had gone through so much.
When Harry began telling her about the prophecy, how he would either kill Voldemort, or Voldemort would kill him, Buffy made a sympathetic noise. "Those prophecies, they're real killers. The last time I got one of those was the first time I died. Which reminds me. You've been spilling your heart out, and I haven't told you anything about myself."
Harry looked embarrassed. "Well, Dawn kind of gave me a blow by blow."
Buffy tightened her fists in mock anger. "No, not Dawn! I'm sure she messed the whole story up. She didn't even see half of that stuff happen."
"Why don't you set the record straight, then," Harry said with a crooked smile.
"Oh, believe me, I will. But first, finish your story."
They continued that way, throughout the night, just talking. Neither could have imagined this connection. Both Harry and Buffy had been unsure of each other from the start.
They hadn't realized how good it felt, just letting it all out. Buffy found herself recounting the funniest and most triumphant moments of her life along with the scariest and least hopeful ones. There are some things that you just can't tell your friends, Buffy thought. Some things, you can only tell a stranger.
Haha, sorry if anyone didn't like the Spuffy stuff that this chapter focused a lot on. But this story for me is about Buffy coming to terms with herself, and I wouldn't have respected her or her relationship with Harry as much if she had just left Spike hanging and went back to ignoring/pounding him.
