A/N: I apologize x 238749875 for the delays. But I really didn't want to fail my exams, which could have happened if I hadn't spent every free minute studying. Hopefully I am can be forgiven and you guys will keep reading and leaving your wonderfully encouraging reviews.
Thank you for all the reviews on the last chapter. But now, onward!
Breathe in, Breathe out
Buffy woke with a start and rolled off the couch with a squeak. What was she doing on top of her houseguest all night? She sincerely hoped that no one else had woken up and seen her and Harry snuggling together. Thankfully the house seemed quiet, and even better, Harry hadn't stirred. Buffy let out a relieved breath.
That was, until she remembered last night's occurrences. Buffy scowled down upon Harry. His face was serene and he had an almost goofy smile on his lips. How dare he share her dreams? Accuse her of things he couldn't understand? Her anger mounted as prickles of shame crept up the back of her neck. She had let him see it. The truth. She ground her teeth and strode back to her room in frustration. She had behaved disgustingly. Like a baby, like an animal. Like somebody weak. Buffy slammed her bedroom door behind her, embarrassment and anger enflamed her senses. She promised to never let her guard down again. Least of all to the British invasion.
When Harry awoke, his chest felt curiously light. He rolled over and grabbed his glasses from the end table. Buffy was gone.
Hadn't it just been moments ago when she had flown at him in a rage, loathing and understanding in her eyes, a primal fury ripping through her being? And hadn't he soothed her to sleep? But now she was gone and Harry wasn't sure what to expect. Certainly not a note. He was a guest in her house, not a jilted one night stand.
Harry rubbed the bridge of his nose pensively. He had never been closer to figuring out the enigma that is Buffy than last night. But for some reason all he could think about was how empty he suddenly felt without her warm body next to his. He groaned. Hermione had been right. It was stupid of him to come live at Buffy's. Because now he cared. All he wanted to do was help this silly, angry, terribly misunderstood slayer who probably wanted nothing to do with him. He didn't care about the Ministry or the stupid mission statement. He cared about her.
Look at what I've gotten myself into.
It was a couple of hours before the house was busy again. Willow and Dawn were up making breakfast and Xander had just arrived. Anya was jealously guarding the Magic Box cash register. Buffy got ready as slowly as possible, weighing the pros and cons of pairing her Seven jeans and her black top. Finally, admitting to herself that she didn't much care, Buffy trudged downstairs and steeled herself. Facing Harry was the last thing she wanted to do after last night.
One, two, three. One, two, three. Buffy counted each stair as she passed over it. She could hear Dawn and Harry laughing together downstairs and cringed. She had a feeling that all the friendly chit-chat downstairs would stop once the designated crazy girl showed up. She knew that she would receive a fearful look from Harry or maybe no look at all. Perhaps he would avoid her eyes. Buffy didn't know why, but she found this thought distinctly upsetting.
One. Two. Three. She was standing on threshold of the kitchen. And on cue—
"Hey, Buffy" Harry said nonchalantly, as he levitated a cat figurine for Dawn's amusement. He looked up at her and smiled hesitantly. "I didn't know where you had gone."
Buffy reddened slightly, but didn't respond. Oh, so he was gonna play that card, was he? Although she was silently thankful that Harry wasn't acting twitchy or nervous around her, she now found herself annoyed that he was acting so blasé about the whole thing. Well, two can play at that game.
Wanting to shock everyone in the room, Buffy randomly blurted out the first thing that popped into her head. "Bye everyone. Sorry, can't stay. I was actually on my way to go make out with Spike in his nicely kept crypt." Buffy spun on her heel and proceeded to walk out of the house. She couldn't help but smirk. When she got home, there would be some majorly pissed off and confused Scoobies to deal with.
By the time she was halfway down the sidewalk, Buffy realized how stupid and badly thought out her "plan" was. Or course, she wasn't actually going to go make out with Spike. So instead she decided to take a stroll through one of Sunnydale's few parks. It was pretty, she decided. Buffy wondered why she couldn't do things like this more often. She had felt alone almost all of the time since being resurrected, but today she felt alone in a good way.
Slowly, Buffy lowered herself onto the grass and lay contentedly as the sun warmed her skin. She let all of her earlier thoughts leave her brain for the time being. Right now, she was just a girl. A girl lying in the park on a sunny day.
Xander, Willow, Dawn and Harry all stood as if stunned. "About time" Dawn snickered. "She's finally bringing it into the open."
Xander fiddled nervously with his hands. "She was joking, right? Buffy was just playing a big, funny joke on us. She'll be back any moment now!"
"Oh my God!" Willow cried out. "Something cursed Buffy! It's like that time with the my-will-be-done spell! Buffy and Spike are gonna get married and it'll be all my fault."
Harry stared at the floor, slightly angry and confused. So, she would rather go make out with the vampire she hated than talk to him. Wasn't that just classic? Harry was caught between keeping mum and telling the Scoobies that Buffy and Spike had a history that they apparently didn't know about. But he decided that that would be childish. Buffy was a grown woman who could do what she wanted. Even if that included snogging good looking, dangerous vampires who wore cool leather coats…" Get a grip, Harry.
"Ok, we need to go find Buffy. Xander and I will go to Spike's crypt since she explicitly stated that she was going there. Harry, maybe you can do a locating spell in case she isn't really there. And Dawn…you just hang out, ok?"
Dawn glared. "I don't get what the big deal is. Why can't she just do what she wants? If she wants to boink Spike, why can't she just boink Spike?" Dawn stomped off in the direction of the stairs.
Xander stared at her open-mouthed. "Did Dawnie just…"
"Yeah, she just said that" Willow said briskly. "Now let's get a move on this before we're too late." Willow and Xander walked out the front door leaving Harry alone in the kitchen. Harry couldn't help but laugh at Dawn's straightforward attitude about the whole thing, but he sobered instantly when he remembered his job. As he laid out a clean sheet of parchment and uttered an incantation, Harry mentally prepared himself for seeing Buffy's named entwined with Spike's in the North graveyard.
He looked down at the parchment, surprised. Spidery handwriting scrawled across the formerly empty parchment, creating a detailed map of Sunnydale. Harry had isolated the elements of the spell so that only his location, the Scoobies, Buffy and Spike would show up on the map. Spike was alone in his crypt, with Xander and Willow rapidly approaching. And Buffy…? Harry quickly scanned the map. She was in a park halfway across town. A weight seemed to disappear from Harry's chest, and he grabbed the map, running out the door.
A couple minutes later, Dawn came down the stairs. "Hey, Harry, wanna grab some Ben & Jerry's from the fridge with me?" The downstairs rooms were empty. Dawn scowled. "How typical."
Willow and Xander reached the door of Spike's crypt. "Do you think we should knock?" Willow asked.
"Yeah, let's knock so that the formerly murderous, bloodsucking fiend can hide the evidence of his crimes before answering the door."
"Ok" Willow said reluctantly. "So, can I knock the door down? Buffy told me that she used to do that all the time" Willow said excitedly.
"Be my guest" Xander answered.
"Yay!" Willow said, as her eyes began turning black and she gathered her magic from up inside her. Xander heard her utter a Latin phrase and then the crypt door was suddenly blown into smithereens.
Directly in front of the now demolished door sat Spike, blood in hand, watching his television. He looked up at his new arrivals. "Oi! Why'd you have to go do that, Red? Now all manners of nasties can just waltz right in here. While I'm watching Passions, and everything!"
Willow looked slightly abashed. "Sorry, Spike. I'll fix it on our way out. We just came to um…find Buffy."
"Well, the slayer isn't here, so you and the whelp can go elsewhere."
"Right…" said Willow uncertainly. "Well, if you see Buffy, could you tell her that we were looking for her and that it's urgent? And try not to make out with her, even if she is really, really insistent?"
"Don't think I can promise you any of that" Spike answered with a suggestive leer. Xander made his "I'm-about-to-be-sick face."
"Ah…alright, bye Spike" Willow said. "Don't mind us, I'm just gonna fix your door."
Spike gave Willow and ironic salute and ignored Xander completely. "Bye, Red. And if it isn't too much trouble, you could add some nice security features to that door…"
Buffy lay quietly on the ground with her eyes closed. She had a slight smile on her face and she could feel the sun beating down on her. In the distance, she could hear footsteps approaching. She chose not to stir, hoping that the visitor would just be passing by.
The footsteps kept coming closer and closer. Buffy decided to stay the course. A shadow fell over her face. Whoever it was was standing in front of her, blocking the sun. Buffy let out a long breath, irritation mounting. Like she needed some perv standing and staring at her.
Harry crouched hesitantly over Buffy's form. He leaned in a little closer and felt his stomach lurch. She was just lying there, looking like the most innocent girl in the world. And that smile. Harry suddenly had the urge to touch her face. He moved his hand forward, unable to stop it…
Okay, now this is just getting creepy. The skeevster is just crouching over me, practically breathing down my neck, and he expects me not to notice? Her smile grew slightly more pronounced as she thought of what she'd do to the idiot if he came any closer. Ahh, that's it, she thought, as she felt a hand moving towards her face.
With a sudden lunge, Buffy caught the offending hand moments before it grazed her face. Snapping up, Buffy bashed her head against the idiot and flipped him over her shoulder, before rolling over and pinning him to the ground. She was all ready to start her speech about how it wasn't nice to play with sleeping girls when she noticed who was underneath her…
Harry was jolted out of his reverie when Buffy, eyes still closed, unexpectedly grabbed his hand and somehow bashed him around the head. His vision blackened around the edges and before he knew it, he was on his back, arms pinioned to his sides. His brain seemed to thump painfully inside his skull and when his vision finally cleared, he could see Buffy staring down at him…
Her first thoughts were along the lines of huh…?...Harry!...OH MY GOD, HARRY! I'VE MORTALLY WOUNDED MY FAVORITE HOUSEGUEST! Harry stared slightly bleary eyed back at her. "Guess I should have announced my presence" he joked weakly.
Buffy stared helplessly back at him before snapping back into action. "Oh God, I'm so, so, sorry. I can't believe I did that to you." Her anger over last night and this morning was momentarily forgotten. "I hope I didn't do too much damage. She smoothed his hair back from his forehead, checking to see if any bangs and bruises were visible.
Harry shivered involuntarily at her touch. Although he didn't enjoy being pounded into smithereens by pretty girls, he could definitely see the upside to this situation.
Realizing for the first time her proximity to Harry, Buffy abruptly got up and offered Harry a hand. "Come on. Let's get you home. And then we can pretend that I didn't just try to turn you into a piece of modern artwork." Harry laughed and took her hand. She dropped her shoulder, offering support that he didn't really need. Oh, what the hell he decided. Instead of leaning against the shoulder Buffy was offering, Harry simply wrapped his arm around her and they walked back towards her house.
"We have some things to talk about" Harry said.
Buffy didn't look at him but she muttered a response. "Count on it." They walked the rest of the way in silence, but Buffy didn't attempt to remove Harry's supportive arm.
They opened the door to find a worried looking Xander and Willow and a bored looking Dawn. "Oh, Buffy!" Willow yelled, running towards her and pulling her into a surprisingly strong hug.
"Woah there, Wills." Buffy was admittedly surprised by the gesture. They had all held themselves at arms length for a while now. She smiled, getting used to the old action, and hugged Willow back.
"So…that whole making out with Spike thing?" Dawn asked.
"It was a joke" Buffy admitted.
"Oh" Dawn said. "I guess he'll be disappointed."
"I guess" Buffy said distractedly.
"We kicked his door down" Willow offered helpfully.
Buffy looked at her with interest. "Really?"
"Yeah. We figured that Spike had found some sort of way to curse you into becoming his love slave. It was Scoobies to the rescue" Xander said.
"Oh" Buffy said, dropping her eyes.
"But it's all good now, right? See Willow, I told you that Buffy was just playing a big ol' joke on us. We know she wouldn't kiss Spike unless the world's fate depended on it…and maybe not even then."
"Yeah" Buffy answered wearily, her eyes still trained on the floor. "Look, guys…I'm gonna go…I haven't cleaned out my room in ages." She spread her arms in an expansive, "what can I say?" gesture. Harry's worried eyes followed her as she hurried up the stairs.
"What's wrong with her?" Willow asked.
Dawn rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to be the genius. Get a clue, already." She wasn't the oblivious, inexperienced teenager that they all thought she was. She could totally tell that Buffy was having a little thing with Spike. I mean, obviously they weren't just hanging out in that alleyway during the group sing. And Trisha apparently "like totally saw your sister making out with this hot Billy Idol type at The Bronze." Yeesh, that wasn't even being discrete. Not to mention all the pointless, extra "patrols" Buffy had been going on lately. Yeah, Dawn had a clue. But she was starting to wonder when everyone else would get one.
Harry's eyes were still trained on the stairs. "I'm going to go help her…clean her room." He began walking away.
Dawn suddenly felt the need to hand him a survival pack, hug him and send him off into the sunset or something. There was nothing but uphill battles for people who fell in love with Buffy…woah, wait. Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself? Dawn paused. Nope, he's a goner.
Buffy had taken most of the clothes out of her closet, folding and sorting them in order to gain a sort of Zen-like peace. It wasn't working. And what's more, she was being confronted by the ghosts of wardrobes past. Buffy held up a jacket, her face scrunched with disgust. "Gold lamé? Oh, how tacky were you, Buffy?"
"I don't think you're tacky" Harry said, walking into her room with his hands in his pocket.
"Well then you obviously haven't seen me in this jacket" she answered, throwing it into the Goodwill pile.
"Buffy."
Her eyes flicked up towards him and her anger was evident. "Don't say my name like you know me. You don't. And whatever you think happened, didn't." She began stacking sweaters angrily. "In fact, last night didn't happen. Happy?"
"No" Harry said simply.
"Well, I guess it's a good thing that your happiness doesn't really matter to me at the moment. Why don't you go…watch some TV with Dawn? This discussion is over."
Harry grew bold. "No, it's not. We shared that dream for a reason. Something's wrong Buffy, and I want you to be able to tell me what."
Buffy turned away from him. "I don't need to tell you anything." She stopped for a moment, staring into nothingness. "I'm the slayer. I'm meant to be alone, you wouldn't understand…"
"I know that you weren't always alone. Before all of this you weren't just a slayer, you were a friend, a sister…So don't blame this on being the slayer."
"Like I said, you wouldn't understand. And I'm still all of those things" she added as an afterthought.
Harry strode over and grabbed her by the shoulder. "Because you won't let me understand. I thought we were getting along. I told you some stuff that I haven't told many other people. And you died…I know that isn't something that I've gone through, but if you think that you're the only one who's ever felt alone or wrong or scared, then you're..."
"I'm not scared!" she responded angrily. Her voice quieted and became stony. "I'm not."
"Then what are you?" he challenged.
"I'm nothing" Buffy blurted out. They looked at each other warily for over a minute.
"We're going to talk about last night" Harry said in a dangerous tone.
"No, we're gonna talk about how you're so overstepping your bounds right now."
Harry ignored that. "Why did you want it?"
"My fist is about to have a rendezvous with your face, you know that right?"
"I don't care!" Harry yelled. "Why did you want it?" He didn't care what she thought of him right now. He wanted the truth and he wanted her to admit the truth to herself too.
"I didn't want to die!" Buffy yelled back in response. "So you can just shut up and go away."
"Okay" Harry said, not moving.
"I didn't want to."
"Okay."
"I didn't ask for any of this."
Silence. "No one does."
"It's not my fault 'death is my gift.' I mean, talk about a crappy gift. I had to. Everybody knows that" she countered with an upraised chin.
"Everybody doesn't share dreams with you."
"Whoops. I guess the Powers that Be tuned it to the wrong frequency. You know, Spike doesn't ask me this many questions. He tried to kill me a lot, yeah, but he isn't this annoying."
"Then why don't you go talk to Spike. I'm sure you'd be welcome in his 'nicely-kept crypt.'"
Buffy only glared. "I don't know why you shared my dream. But it really is none of your business." She paused, musing. "Even if it was being projected inside your sleeping brain against your will." Okay, way to help his case. Just shut up, stream-of-consciousness babble, will you?
"Explain this to me" Harry said angrily. "I want to understand this, all of this."
"Nobody wants their life to end!" Buffy cried furiously. "Wouldn't you do anything to save someone you loved? To save the world?" Buffy looked down at her hands, before continuing quietly. "Nobody wants to die. But for a moment, I gave up. I wanted it. And that's why it wasn't a sacrifice anymore. Once again, it was all about me and how I couldn't handle it. I could have gotten there sooner. I could have saved Dawn. But I didn't so that's it."
Harry said nothing.
"And then…then I was in heaven. And everything was beautiful and soft and it all made perfect sense. Time didn't exist. And then suddenly I wasn't in heaven anymore. So that's it. Is that what you wanted to know, Harry?" She was angry again.
Harry didn't respond. "Answer me!" Buffy commanded, throwing one of her old, hideous sweaters that she hadn't worn since high school at him.
"Yeah, that's all I wanted to know" he finally said quietly.
"Good. I need to finish sorting my clothes now, if you wouldn't mind leaving."
Harry hesitated, looking at her face, trying to figure her out. "Sure." He got up to leave and turned back one last time. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I really am."
"It's ok. Just…just—I need to do this." Harry left silently, clicking the door shut on his way out.
One, two, three. One, two, three. Buffy tried to count her shallow breaths. Count them. Count them and it'll all be okay again. No, no, no! And amidst old high heels and discarded leather pants, Buffy did what she had not done since before she died the second time. She cried. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks. She cried for everyone she had ever known, for mom who was dead and could never come back. Giles in England, and maybe he was making new friends? Willow and Tara. Dawn who was alone too. Harry and his dead parents. Herself. Her body couldn't be silent. Gasping and hiccupping, she silenced herself with an old sweater. Hot tears mixed with warm wool and Buffy sat silently hugging the sweater against her face. One, two, three. One, two, three.
A/N: I know it's been a while, but if you read this chapter could you please review? I want to make sure that there are still people out there who care about/are reading this story. I'm sorry again for how long this update took. Expect the updates to come pretty quickly from now on.
