Author's Note: Hello, everyone!! How are you doing? Anyway, I have to say I'm sorry again for taking so long to update, but it seems like this will just have to be the normal updating time. I only write when I feel like it or have some sort of idea what I'd like to write, and so that eliminates writing all the time. Also, I have homework and school, so that causes some stress and makes me less likely to update. Always keep in mind that I love this story and will keep writing it until it satisfies me.
I've decided to stop writing individual responses to each reviewer, merely because it often takes up too much time, and it'll make me get around to updating sooner. But don't think I don't love everyone who reviews…I just want to get to the chapters sooner! So here's a big "Thank You, You're Great, and Happy Holidays!" to:
the conjugial angel, Funivia, Lady of Masbolle, mgirl, KTSweep08, Windowseat Wonderer, Jersey Princess, & Snap. You guys fuel my fire for writing!!
Chapter Sixteen
January seemed to fly by in the minds of everyone, or at least all of the seventh years in Hogwarts at the time. Their teachers were continuously lecturing about their upcoming N.E.W.T.s, about career choices, and about life after Hogwarts. Everyone reacted to this differently. Some people became extremely nervous about going out into the "real world" after Hogwarts, while others, like Sirius, casually announced that they were going to become the next Minister of Magic and become extravagantly rich. Whatever the case, the growing pressure of the final exams crept over the castle more and more as time went on.
The mood of the students began to lift slightly as January came to a close, bringing with it feeble rays of sunshine and the nearing of Valentine's Day. James had begun to get slightly nervous about this, actually; he felt he had gotten Lily the most romantic gift possible for Christmas and couldn't even began to think how he'd be able to outdo himself.
However, for all the worrying he did about it, he knew that Valentine's Day was always sure to bring at least some humor, and he was right. Every year around this time, almost every girl in the castle would follow Sirius around, giggling and pointing, staring hopefully at him. Sirius seemed to bask in their adoration, though after a while he would always end up getting annoyed. James, Remus, and Peter would always take advantage of this to make fun of him incessantly, and they were sure this year would be no different.
---
"All right, everyone! That's enough for tonight!" James yelled to the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. The sun was nearly set, casting a pink glow over the still snow-laden grounds of Hogwarts. The rest of the team landed, got off their brooms, and headed towards the changing rooms.
After James was changed back into his normal clothing, he left the changing room, only to hear three familiar voices from near the stands. Puzzled, he walked towards them, finding Peter, Sirius, and Remus standing together, staring across the grounds at something.
"What are you doing?" He asked. Remus was frowning slightly, Sirius looked angry, and Peter seemed to be extremely nervous.
"One word," Sirius replied, still staring across the grounds, "Snivellus." James turned in the direction they were looking, and saw Snape on the front steps, talking to a dark-haired girl. James could tell, even from this distance, that it was Bellatrix Black.
"How long have they been there?" James asked.
"About ten minutes now," Sirius said bitterly, "You'd think they'd conduct their Voldemort Fan Club meetings somewhere more private."
"That's not funny," Remus said suddenly, "If that's really what they're doing, we should tell Dumbledore."
"Get real," Sirius said, snorting with disgust, "You know that's exactly what they're doing. You don't seriously think that they're not supporting him, do you?"
"Listen, Sirius, I know you hate Snape, but don't assume things like that," Remus replied. Sirius opened his mouth to say something before closing it again and sighing.
They watched in silence for a few minutes. Bellatrix seemed to be shaking her head as Snape spoke to her, and she kept trying to leave before Snape would pull her back again. Finally, she managed to make her way down the stairs, though Snape caught up with her and stopped her before she got too far.
"Let's get out of here," Remus said, "I don't even want to know what they're up to." The four Gryffindors started making their way through the snow, hoping that neither Snape nor Bellatrix would spot them.
They returned to Gryffindor Tower, and went and sat in some chairs right in front of the fire. As soon as they had returned, James could feel the weight of all the Quidditch paperwork he'd be given, as though someone had just carefully balanced it on his head.
From what he'd read, the life of a Qudditch player was much less glamorous and fantastic than he had always thought. There seemed to be a whole lot of traveling and training all the time, not to mention the fact that he would have to sign with a team for at least five years. Ever since he had played Quidditch for the first time, he had always wanted to be a professional player, to play in the World Cup and hear hundreds of thousands of people screaming his name...but somehow, now everything had been pulled into perspective and he found himself having more than just second thoughts about the matter.
He knew that he wouldn't want to spend his first five years out of Hogwarts away from his family and friends. But at the same time, it was a completely free way to travel the world, and all he had to do was play Quidditch in return. Still, it didn't seem worth it. He'd played Quidditch for six years now, and he was sure that must be enough. What if he got sick of it only a year into playing? There would be no way to turn back for five whole years.
And, of course, there was the matter of Lily. He'd practically made a career out of pursuing her, and now he finally had exactly what he wanted. It seemed so stupid to like her that much and just try and forget about her so he could play Quidditch. But he hated even thinking about what they'd do after school. After all, what were the chances that she'd want to stay with him after they got out of Hogwarts? She'd probably meet somebody else who was fantastic, and not a prat, someone who wouldn't even entertain the idea of leaving her…
"Earth to James Potter…" Somebody said, and James came out of his reverie. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all looking at him. They'd clearly been asking him something.
"Oh…er…what?" H asked, feeling rather stupid. Sirius and Remus exchanged glances, but they didn't pursue whatever they were thinking.
"We were just commenting," Sirius said, as though he were talking about the weather, "On how lovely the moon looks tonight. It's nearly full, isn't it, Remus?"
"Yes, I suppose it is," Remus replied, looking slightly tense.
"Give it a few more days, I'd say," Sirius continued. Remus nodded, sighing wearily. James stared out the window, looking at the moon, remembering the times that they used to go out and roam the grounds, free to do whatever they wanted. With a pang of sadness, he realized that those days seemed farther away than they ever had before.
---
"This," Anna said, slamming down a book, "Is complete crap. I am not spending the rest of my school career shut inside some bloody library."
"Fine by me," Lily replied complacently, "But don't come looking for help from me when you're living on the streets."
They had spent a total of three hours in the library that night, looking desperately for something to help them on their Charms homework. It had turned out that their teachers hadn't been joking about the workload increasing, but no one had expected things to be this difficult.
"And another thing," Anna said, practically yelling, "How in the world does Sirius manages to make his way through school?! I haven't even seen him pick up a quill in the last week!!"
"Anna," Lily began, but apparently she wasn't done yelling.
"All the while we're in here, working as hard as we can and we're just barely making ends meet!" She continued.
"Anna, you're going to get us kicked out of here," Lily hissed at her.
"Good," Anna said, "You know what, GOOD! I want to be kicked out of here. I hate this place. In fact, I'm kicking myself out. I'm leaving. See you later." She picked up her bag and strode out of the room, glaring at everyone else sitting nearby. They all turned and stared at Lily, looking very wrong-footed. After debating in her mind whether to go after Anna or not, she ruefully picked up her things and left, hoping she would catch her best friend before she got the chance to explode on anyone else.
Much to her surprise, Anna was waiting right outside the library for her.
"What took you so long?" She asked, "Come on, we're going for a walk."
"To where?" Lily said, "And what is that supposed to mean, 'What took you so long?'"
"One day, you will listen to me and learn that you are extremely predictable," Anna said, "And we're going to the kitchens. I'm hungry."
"You know, we're really not supposed to be going in the kitchens," Lily said, almost running to keep up with Anna, "I know you think nobody cares, but it is a school rule, and--"
"Some rules were made to be broken, Lily dear," Anna said, "Especially if they're stupid and easily broken."
"You are a horrible influence, you know," Lily said, "It's because of you that I've gotten into all the trouble that I have--"
"Which is practically none," Anna snorted.
"And you probably brainwashed me into going out with James, too!" Lily finished.
"Well, then, you should be thanking me!" Anna said, "And please shut up Lily, because you're giving me a headache."
They had reached the hallway that led to the kitchens, with painting of various fruits hanging on the walls. They walked the rest of the way in silence, and neither one of them spoke until they were inside the kitchen, sitting down and eating a wide assortment of delicious pastries.
"He's hiding something from me," Lily said suddenly.
"He who?" Anna asked.
"What other he?" James, of course," Lily replied exasperatedly. Anna nodded thoughtfully, licking the icing of a cupcake.
"Well what do you think it is?" She asked finally.
"I think it must have something to do with exams," Lily said, "Because every time a teacher mentions N.E.W.T.s he gets this shifty look and he won't speak to me for a few minutes. Maybe he thinks he's going to fail."
"Hmmm. Buheez nog oingto," Anna said thickly, biting into her cupcake. After swallowing, she said, "What I meant was, he's not going to fail, and he knows it, so why would exams make him nervous?"
"He is so confusing sometimes," Lily said, sighing.
"You're telling me," Anna said, "And you didn't even really know him before this year. I thought I had him all figured out and then he came back this year completely different. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced." They both fell into silence again, and Anna started on another cupcake.
"Maybe you should just ask him about it," She suggested.
"Well, he must have a reason for not telling me," Lily said.
"Sure he does. Just like Sirius has a reason for being terminally insane," Anna said.
---
The next few days passed without major occurrences. Anna seemed to have gotten over her exam stress, fortunately for the rest of her friends. Sirius was being followed almost constantly by what his friends called his fan club, and Remus had left the castle once more under the pretense of visiting his sick grandmother, though all his friends knew better than to believe him.
Still, however, James was showing signs of concealing some sort of secret from the rest of his friends. He had withdrawn from most conversations and instead had taken to staring off into space thoughtfully, as if there were something troubling him. Nobody seemed to know what the problem could be, and he didn't appear to want to tell any of them either.
Valentine's Day was now less than a week away, and with all the things on his mind, James had barely had time to even think about what he was going to do with Lily. He certainly felt horrible because he hadn't even made any attempts at getting her a gift, but every minute of the day he was plagued with the decision he had to make eventually. He had been up almost every night doing homework that he had forgotten about, and as a result he was exhausted.
It was on one of these nights where he was up doing Potions homework. James was so wrapped up in trying to explain complicated potion recipes and trying to drive out thoughts of Quidditch that he didn't even notice that Lily hadn't come back to the Common Room after dinner, and he didn't even look up when she entered.
"Hi," She said, sitting down across the table from him, and causing James to start slightly. Nevertheless, his face broke into a tired smile when he looked up.
"Oh, hi," He said, "I'm just trying to do this Potions homework."
"Well you've had nearly a week to do it," Lily said, biting her lip.
"Thank you, I wasn't aware," James snapped, and Lily fell silent. Neither one of them said anything for a moment, and all that could be heard was the scratching of James' quill.
"Well…I just wanted to know if you were thinking of…doing anything on Valentine's Day," Lily said cautiously, and James could tell she was trying not to upset him again.
His heart sank down to his stomach--he had almost completely forgotten about Valentine's Day. He couldn't bear to tell her that he'd forgotten, but there was no other explanation.
"Oh…oh…yeah, yeah, I have," He lied, his stomach squirming unpleasantly, "But it's a surprise so I can't tell you."
"Really?" She asked, smiling, "Oh, James, that's so sweet of you! I was going to say that you didn't need to make a big deal, we could just go into Hogsmeade or something, but if you've already planned something…"
Now she tells me, James thought, rolling his eyes to himself, and suddenly something occurred to him.
If he was even considering leaving her and everyone else behind after school, why shouldn't she at least have some warning? And in addition to that, why was he bothering to lead her on and make her feel like he was going to marry her or something when he really had no idea what was going to happen after he left Hogwarts? Without thinking, he put his quill down and looked her straight in the eyes.
"Lily, I have something to tell you," He said firmly, "About three weeks ago I got an offer to play Quidditch professionally, after I leave school."
"You did? Oh wow, that's so great James, I'm so--" Lily began, but he interrupted her.
"I read over the paperwork they gave me and the facts are, if I choose to play Quidditch, I'm not going to have much time to do anything but play Quidditch. And they might put me on a team in a different country, one that's really far away. It looks as though," James paused, "If I want to play, I'm going to have to leave a lot of things behind. And I'm not really sure if I can handle having some crazy long-distance relationship in addition to playing."
Lily said nothing. She sat and stared at him, for the longest time, and her expression didn't change at all. After a minute or two, she shook her head and sighed.
"So…are you saying," Lily said, and she sounded very angry, "That you don't want to be together anymore?"
"No, no, of course not," James said, "I'm just saying that neither of us should get our hopes up. I mean, we don't know what's going to happen after we leave school, and maybe we shouldn't assume we know everything about our future."
"Well, if that's your attitude on this…this relationship, you might as well end it now so you don't get even more attached," She replied, her voice raising.
"That's not what I mean--" James began, but she stood up.
"I can't believe," She hissed, "After all the time you spent begging me to go out with you and publicly humiliating me…and then when you finally got what you wanted, you told me that you loved me, and that I was the only person you were ever going to love in your whole life. I think it's horrible that you're even entertaining the idea of leaving me after all the time we've spent together, and after all those things you said."
"Lily, you don't understand--"
"I understand completely. And you know what I realize now? That you're the exact same arrogant little berk I always that you were. I was so stupid to ever believe that you'd actually changed. That you'd actually begun to realize what the important things in life were. You're the same bigheaded Quidditch player whose ultimate goal in life is to have other people acknowledge how great he is!"
"You've got it all wrong, I never meant--"
"I don't even want to talk to you. You make me sick," Lily finished, and she strode away from the table and up the stairs to the Girls' Dormitories.
James put his head down on the table, realizing that he'd probably just made the biggest mistake of his life, and also realizing that Lily was right--he did sound like the idiot he'd always been, the idiot she'd always hated him for being. She'd come to talk to him about Valentine's Day. First he lied to her, then he'd let her down in the worst way possible. Without even realizing it, he'd reverted to the same person he'd been in years past. He'd been arrogant, he'd been stupid, and most of all, he'd pretty much lost the love of his life.
He sat staring at his parchment with two sentences written on the composition of a Polyjuice Potion, and he couldn't think of a single thing that could fix what he'd just done. Suddenly, a solution clicked into place. He knew what he had to do, and it was darn lucky that Valentine's Day was coming up soon.
Author's Note: Uh oh…looks like there's trouble for James. He can be incredibly stupid sometimes, can't he? Oh well, it's not like it's my fault he did what he did…it's not like I wrote this or anything…hehe. Anyway, you guys all know the general plot of this story, so obviously they're not going to be broken up forever. They're just in a rough patch right now. But I like doing cliffhangers, because it makes an otherwise boring chapter seem so much more interesting.
So read and review…it'll hopefully make me update faster! Hope everybody has happy holidays…especially if you're off school, like me!
