Trigger Warning: homophobia and transphobia


The fair on the boardwalk wasn't as fun without Kurapika there. Leorio was afraid of heights… and without Kurapika to bully him into going on rides he sat back and let Gon and Killua ride them on their own. Killua wasn't opposed to having more one-on-one time with Gon, but still.

He missed Kurapika so fucking much.

It had now been a week since the Kurta had abandoned them.

Abandoned them and orphaned Killua.

As much as he liked to joke about it, Kurapika really had become some sort of a parental figure to him. It felt strange without him there, almost as if some sort of safety net had been removed from underneath him.

But he could do this. He could keep Gon and Leorio out of the clouds of despair and he could keep this little family together. These bonds meant the world to him, and nothing and no one could force him to let go.

Kurapika would come back… and Killua knew that when he woke up from whatever the fuck this was, he would really be suffereing. They'd welcome him back with open arms, and then bully the crap out of him when he was stable once again. Killua sighed as they walked over to the food carts.

"What?" Gon asked, looping his arms around Killua's shoulders and hanging off his back.

The Valkyrie didn't blush this time! No, seriously! He was able to be close to Gon and act like they were dating without getting flustered at all! This plan to try and seduce Gon was really working in Killua's favor! It hurt that Kurapika had gone and fucked it up but weighing on Gon's already-dense-enough mind, but the knowledge that he could be normal no matter how lovey dovey they acted made Killua feel empowered. He'd make Gon flustered, and then he could watch the hybrid suffer in silence like HE HAD for MONTHS!

The Valkyrie's growing smile dimmed. "I was thinking about Kurapika."

Silence from Gon. Killua could feel the other boy's downtrodden expression.

"Well he doesn't deserve to be thought about!" Leorio ordered, suddenly turning around and stopping. Killua and Gon looked at him with wide eyes, Gon still hanging off Killua's back. "He did this, he fucked this up. He knew what would happen. We'll move on without him!" Leorio's face was determined but there was an obvious waver in his eyes. "We'll keep on going, and we won't let his shit drag us down! We don't deserve that, no one does. We're gonna keep this family together, just like Killua said, and we'll let Kurapika back in when the time comes. But that time is far off in the future, at most three months. We can live with that, right? What are we, completely lost without our mother?! We're grown, mature, adults!"

Leorio had tears in the corners of his eyes at this point, but his speech had touched Gon and Killua's hearts. They smiled softly at him, and then jumped forward, lacing their arms around his shoulders (as much as they could reach) and continuing their walk to the food carts.

The Goblin sniffed, and then grinned. He ruffled their hair. "You guys are like brothers to me, ya know that?"

"You're like a dad to me!" Gon declared.

"Don't say shit like that, you're gonna make me cry, kid!"

Gon giggled as Leorio choked down more tears.

"You're just a weird uncle in my book," Killua drawled.

"Dammit! You're just as bad as he is, ya know!"

Gon and Killua shared a conspirative snicker, to which Leorio responded by housing them up by their waists and spinning them around. "Cut it out!" he yelled. The two boys cackled as the crowd around them made a bubble in confusion.

Leorio put them down once they were nice and dizzy, and then used their heads as arm rests once they continued walking. "Alrighty then, now that full custody has been turned over to me, I say we eat ice cream for lunch!"

Gon and Killua cheered loudly, and the rambunctious three darted over to the ice cream carts.

Leorio had Killua pick the best one - as the ice cream expert - and oh, did he choose the best one! It was also the most expensive but even though Leorio was paying he had a shit ton of money so it wasn't an issue. Oh, to be rich. There was so much ice cream you could buy!

Once they ordered enough ice cream to make the employees sweat, and the trio stood off to the side to wait. Leorio and Gon were arguing about why they shouldn't eat on the beach and pick one of the umbrella tables instead, and Killua was watching with a fond expression on his face.

Then, a violent shiver went up his spine.

Killua's assassin sense was going mad.

The steady flow of his Ten was suddenly interrupted, getting strained and uneven.

Killua whipped around, and right behind him, standing only a mere few feet away in the crowd was–

With a snarl, Killua gave chase.

Shit.

Shit!

His heart was hammering in his chest, and his face was flushed in a mixture of fear and being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He sprinted after the dark figure, winding in and out of people until he reached the exit of the park. He looked frantically left and right, feeling himself fall into assassin mode. He allowed it.

The crowd around him suddenly scrambled away, sensing an impending doom rising off him like steam. He felt his eyes go dark and dangerous, and all the dampers on his senses and strength were released at once. His tail snapped as it was allowed full jurisdiction over itself, and soon it was twitching about and shifting through the air, searching for a disturbance in aura.

There.

Killua snapped his head to the right and across the street, and sure enough.

There he was.

The figure took off and Killua gave chase once again. He would not lose him!

Killua sprinted directly through oncoming traffic, he had a six lane busy city street to cross. Cars honked and swerved, but Killua couldn't care less. He leapt from roof to roof, denting more than a few.

His wings fluttered against their bindings, but Killua ignored them.

He didn't need them, dammit!

He was just as good of an assassin without them.

Killua leapt from the last car to the other side of the road, but instead of landing on the sidewalk he landed on the side of the building and ran across it. He pumped Ren into his feet, and stuck the soles of his shoes to the side of the building. He chased his target with ease, until they suddenly spread a dark pair of wings and were off the ground in a flash.

Killua hissed in annoyance, and bunched his legs. He pumped his muscles with Ren, and then jumped. He shot into the sky after them, and made a wild dash over the rooftops. He kept up with them with ease, excess Ren pouring off of him, but he simply didn't have the care (nor the training, for that matter) to keep it in check.

He caught up with the figure with ease, and once he was within jumping distance, he leapt into the sky and tackled them middair. Killua dug his claws into their back, right where the wings extended between the shoulder blades. Blood immediately spurted up, but the Valkyrie didn't give a single cry.

"Illumi," Killua said darkly as they plummeted for the alleyway below them. He used his tail to make them fall faster, and extended a finger. He slammed that finger forward in an attempt to burrow it into Illumi's temple–

Killua growled when it met a shield of Ren.

The two of them slammed into the ground, making a crater and sending dust and debris in all directions. People on the sidewalks outside screamed and ran, sensing a terrifying Valkyrie bloodlust from two royal-grade humanoids.

Killua stayed on top of Illumi, and dug his foot into his back. He kept the claws of his left hand dug into the meaty part of Illumi's wings, and had his right hand tangled into that silky black hair. He had Illumi's hair pulled up uncomfortably, one tug and he could snap his neck no problem. Killua pressed his foot against Illumi's Ren, knowing that while Magic could protect you from penetration, it could not protect you from blunt force.

Valkyrie strength pumped through Killua's muscles, and veins popped all over his body.

He pushed down, and three of Illumi's ribs snapped with a deafening crack.

"Maybe if you'd had your shield up from the start you could have gotten away," Killua snarled, digging his claws deeper into Illumi's back. That hurt more than having your nails ripped off, Killua knew that well. The muscles attaching a Valkyrie's wings to their body was the most intense pressure point imaginable. But Illumi didn't make a sound. He didn't even flinch.

Fuck, Killua hated him so much.

"If I had I would not have been able to guage how much you've grown," Illumi reasoned, that stupid monotone voice sending shivers up Killua's spine. The wild discomfort raging through him was enough to send him jumping back on instinct. Even though Illumi's mental manipulations were gone, nothing could reverse Killua's instinctual fear.

Even holding the upper hand, even with nothing to stop him from snapping Illumi's neck, just the sound of his voice was enough for Killua to leap back in fear.

Dammit.

Gods fucking dammit.

Killua had never felt so weak in his life.

All that time away… all those painful hours of removing the barriers…

It was all nothing, it all meant nothing in the face of his childhood tormentor.

All that empowerment from all these months… it was just gone.

As Illumi picked himself up to his feet, Killua was nothing more than that tiny child, trembling before his brother's superiority. He was frozen, he couldn't move. His muscles were already locking up, preparing for the punishment that was always to come when Killua disobeyed.

Dammit! This wasn't supposed to happen!

Killua wasn't weak anymore, he wasn't a pushover!

He was his own person!

He wouldn't let Illumi walk all over him anymore!

Killua imagined Gon, he pictured those wild amber eyes in his mind. He remembered all those times when Gon stood up against oppression and enemies who looked down on him merely for his blood. Killua channeled Gon's stubborn strength, all that defiant madness that he looked up to oh so much.

He gritted his teeth, and his sapphire eyes blazed as he glared Illumi down.

Killua hoped he looked even a fraction like Gon.

But just doing this… just releasing the mask and sending his eyes blazing at Illumi as Gon always did… that was enough to ground him and regain control over his body.

"That's quite the expression, Kill," Illumi commented darkly, displeasure apparent in his voice.

That voice still sent chills up Killua's spine, but he would not sit by and listen. "So what?"

The two Zoldyck Princes stared each other down.

Empty eyes of black met fiery eyes of blue. Illumi had trained Killua to be just like him, to leave his face empty and blank. Fiery and stubborn passion was not something that was supposed to cross Killua's features.

Illumi's brows drew together.

Shit.

Fucking shit.

Illumi just reacted–

He was PISSED.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Killua grunted, the knowledge that he'd gotten a reaction out of Illumi tingling in his veins. He felt so… strong.

"Such vulgar words. Mother raised you better."

Killua snarled. "Well you can go suck her nonexistent dick. That's not what I asked."

"Fine," Illumi sighed. "I have a job for you."

A horrid chill raged through Killua's body. He lowered his stance. "What?"

"I've been sent to Yorknew City to deal with a security threat. But I want you to do it."

Those empty eyes… those empty words. They were nothing but a blank canvas. There was nothing to them at all, yet all of a sudden Killua's mind was in a frenzy.

Illumi had finally found him, yet instead of demanding that Killua come home he was giving him a job. He was passing over his own job, for that matter. And it was to take care of a security threat? This wasn't right, Kalluto always dealt with any threats to the clan's safety. Not that they could even be considered a threat in the first place.

If this job had been given to Illumi, then it must be particularly awful.

And if he was passing it over to Killua… then…

Illumi clearly was trying to get Killua to return to Kukuroo Mountain. And if he was giving him a job instead of following him around and asking him to return over and over, then this job must be horrifying.

What was Illumi trying to load off on him?

Killua shook his head. No!

"You have a job for me? Like hell! I left the Mountain, I'm not taking jobs anymore! If you think that putting me back to work will make me change my mind for some reason then you're gravely mistaken."

Illumi merely blinked. "Who's the hybrid?"

Killua choked on air.

"You left home, Kill. And now you're flaunting around with some useless half-blood. I really don't see his worth. He doesn't even have a clear presentation. He could be part human for all we know. You'd be better off without him. I wonder if you've told him about me? Kill, you'd introduce me to your companion, yes?"

Killua forced himself not to take a step back. Waves of fear broke over him in quick succession, Illumi was talking about Gon. Illumi was asking to meet Gon.

Illumi was threatening Gon.

"Leave Gon out of this," Killua said, voice wavering.

Illumi's eyes widened a fraction, and he placed his finger on his chin. "Oh! His name is Gon? Quite plain, if you ask me. I don't find what you see in him. His features are rough and mismatched, clear indication of a messy breeding. Not to mention he's male. Don't you see that? There's no reason to pursue him so. Penetrating him will bring you no offspring. And even if he were capable of carrying, they would be murky-blooded and useless."

Killua's face flushed. "You say that as if I'm trying to mate him like some animal–"

"And that's incorrect? He is nothing more than an animal. And you are nothing more than a hormonal youth. You have just reached the breeding age. This may be a confusing time, but there's no reason to chase down males, Kill. You have better sense than that, truly."

Killua floundered on the spot. He was burning with shame. What he felt for Gon was more than just an instinctual urge to breed! This wasn't just him being a horny teenager! Gon wasn't just a fling, an object to chase and get his fix out of! But he couldn't find the words to express that–

Illumi was–

He was laughing at him.

Those dark eyes were crinkled up at the sides, he found this amusing. Yes, his poor little brother. So confused by his arriving adulthood that he chased after males instead of females. What the hell. That sounded so pathetic–

Was that how his parents viewed his rejection of the clan?!

A fit of confusion?! Something to laugh at over dinner?!

Rage filled Killua, hot and pulsing. With a snarl he extended his arm and punched the wall behind him. He left an enormous crater, and broken bricks crumbed to the ground. Aura poured off of him, so strong and thick that it blew wind around him and brushed at Illumi's hair. His Ren ripped and raged over his skin, becoming jagged and threatening.

"Don't talk about Gon like that. He doesn't deserve it."

Killua's voice was like death itself.

He knew his eyes were dark and terrifying.

"He really doesn't deserve it, I suppose," Illumi sighed. "No male deserves to be chased by a lost and miss-wired child. You really think he'd accept you? Look at you, you're practically secreting lust. You hang off of him and gaze into his eyes, it's disgusting. How he hasn't distanced himself from you yet is lost upon me. He clearly pities you, that's the only explanation."

That hit Killua like a ton of bricks.

No! That wasn't true! Gon liked him back, he did–

It couldn't be… it couldn't be pity, could it?

"The other two, oh, do excuse me, the other one clearly sees it as well. Sad, isn't it? You're just a broken doll they drag about, keeping you around is beneficial for your strength, yes, but they just can't bring themselves to leave you behind. You're clearly lost and confused. It's painful, really."

No.

Leorio?

And Kurapika too?

But–

But they were his buddies, his wingmen–

Killua snarled, taking a page from Gon's book and resorting to rage instead of thinking this all the way through. "Don't talk about my friends that way! They're not weak like that! If they really felt that way about me then they'd cast me aside!"

Illumi blinked. "Culling the herd? I doubt they have it in them, but believe what you like. And you don't need 'friends,' Kill. Blood is thicker than water, you know."

"And Zoldyck blood is as thin as a lie," Killua growled. "They've shed blood for me, and I for them. They're my true family, not you bunch of clowns and sadists."

Illumi blinked once again. "We're all nothing but clowns and sadists? I had the impression that you thought better of it."

If Killua had been dark before, then now he was a black hole.

No light could escape.

Anything that crossed his path would be shredded into nothingness.

"Don't call Alluka 'it.'"

Illumi moved on as if Killua hadn't said anything, as if his wings were shifting in discomfort. "I don't understand why you care for that thing so much. But we'll put it this way: if you don't take this job for me, then I'll kill it."

Killua's aura was a cloud of darkness visible to the naked eye. It poured off of him, leaking onto the street and making the sun seem to lose its light. "You wouldn't dare. Alluka is protected by father. He ordered that she be left alive and safe."

"Did you really believe that mother would listen to that flimsy threat forever? Especially with you leaving? You're hilarious, Kill. Truly. If you truly believed that the thing would be safe on the Mountain without your protection then I seem to have overestimated your capabilities."

Killua said nothing.

"Mother is in a fit of rage, you know. Grief. She's utterly betrayed. You left us, you ran off without even giving her a proper goodbye. She'd close to snapping. She knows you're fond of the creature. She believes that you need a… punishment, of sorts. To wake you up."

"You'd never cross father."

Illumi raised a single eyebrow. "I wouldn't, maybe. But mother?"

Killua was shivering with rage. His Ten had never flown so violently before.

He had to take this job.

He fucking had to.

Killua knew what Illumi was implying. The only way to appease their mother, the only way to get her to calm to fuck down, would be to take a job. A violent and horrendous job. A job to show her that Killua was still the Prince she knew he was.

"What's the job."

Illumi clapped his hands and smiled. "Perfect! I knew you were negotiable! There's a group of humanoids plotting an attack on the village. They are widespread, and it will take a while to exterminate all of them. But I trust you can do it. I'll do all the digging, all you need to do is the bloodshed. Here, within this envelope is a slip of paper listing the first location."

Killua took the envelope from Illumi and slipped it into his pocket.

"Killua? Killua!"

The silver haired assassin gasped, his aura shutting off in a snap.

That was Gon–

"Dammit, kid! Where the hell'd you run off to?!"

And Leorio–

Killua schooled his features.

"I'll take care of it," he murmured to Illumi, before turning on his heel. He didn't want to see that stupid victorious smirk anymore.

Killua walked to the edge of the alleyway. Gon and Leorio were looking around for him across the street. Seeing the two of them… it felt like a warm blanket had been laid over Killua. Illumi wasn't his true family. His true family was out looking for him. Worrying about his well being, and not about micromanaging his life choices.

He crossed out of the shadows, about to call out to Gon.

Gods, now that he knew Illumi was definitely here he needed to get this off his chest–

Suddenly Illumi was directly at his back, breathing down his neck.

"Those are your friends, hm? A pitiful replacement for the Dragonite Clan. I wonder how they would react if they knew what you've agreed to do? What you're about to do? And, oh. What would mother think if she knew you enlisted your friends' help to complete a simple job? Would Alluka be safe then?"

Killua's steps faltered, his hand lowered out of its wave.

Shit.

He–

He couldn't tell them.

They couldn't know.

Illumi chuckled and patted Killua's head. "Good boy. I'll be in touch."

With that, he extended his wings and was gone in a burst of wind.

Killua was frozen for a moment, and it was only when Gon turned around and made eye contact that he shook himself out of his stupor.

"Killua!" the hybrid exclaimed frantically. He then ran directly across the road, completely ignoring the cars and not even looking both ways. Killua walked slowly out of the shadows to meet him on the sidewalk.

Gon rushed up to him, grabbing him by the shoulders and then patting him all over. "Are you okay?!" he demanded while looking Killua up and down. He felt at his tail to make sure it was still there, lifted his shirt up to look at his stomach for some reason, and even fluffed through his hair. Opening Killua's mouth and peeking inside was where Killua drew the line though, and he shook Gon off.

"I'm okay! No need to turn me inside out!"

"Thank goodness!" Gon exclaimed, backing off but still looking concerned. He slid his hands down Killua's arms and held each of his hands. "I got super worried."

Killua's heart fluttered at the gesture, but all of a sudden a bile rose in his throat.

"He clearly pities you, that's the only explanation."

The Valkyrie's smile became strained.

"Killua!" Leorio yelled, making it across the street - he had used the crosswalk and lights like a dignified member of society. "Where the hell have you been?! You just freakin' ran off!"

The assassin slipped his hands out of Gon's, and into his pockets. He started walking back in the direction of the boardwalk. "I thought I saw Kurapika. Turns out there are a lot of medium height blonde Elves in this city."

Gon and Leorio quieted.

Killua felt a little bad about using that as his lie… but it had to be done.

The three of them walked silently back to the boardwalk. Their ice cream had long since melted, so they got tacos instead. But it all tasted like paper to Killua. Illumi was here. He was in the city. And he was threatening Alluka.

Gon watched Killua eat. He looked like some sort of robot, like he was on autopilot. He would keep zoning out, and when Gon would call out to him he'd shake out of it and it would be like it never happened.

He said he was okay…

He said he'd seen Kurapika…

But Gon didn't entirely believe that.

Something was up with Killua, something serious.

All of a sudden, he was acting kinda awkward. He was sitting on the opposite side of the table from Gon, too far to share food. He even passed up a milkshake from Leorio. He wasn't walking as close to Gon as before, and whenever Gon took his hand to tug him around he kind of stiffened.

What had happened when he had run off?

What was going on?

Gon wanted nothing more than to latch on like a dog on the scent…

But Killua's going through a lot. He lost Kurapika… and they were really close. Gon didn't want to bother Killua about it, he didn't want to make that stress worse. He didn't like how Killua was acting all of a sudden, but it would probably go away the next morning. Besides… it scared Gon how Killua was distancing himself all of a sudden. What if he pried, and Killua just pushed him even further away?

Gon didn't wanna step in and mess with Killua…

He'd let him be.

Gon didn't wanna stir up any more drama.

Maybe Killua would be okay in the morning?

Yeah.

Either that or he'd be okay when Kurapika got back.

Kurapika needed to hurry and finish his stuff with the Spiders. Killua needed him, didn't he see that?

Little did Gon know, but his efforts to prevent anymore drama from splitting them apart would serve to do just that.


AN: and that's what we call a bruh moment