AN: i had intended on writing this chapter last night,, but i was too mad at Kurapika to move to his POV after writing that last chapter :')


After two weeks of intense training, Kurapika was now halfway through his training. Hatsu was… interesting to say the least. Kurapika could accomplish the majority of his spells using his own blood for the Bloodletting, but he still needed a stash of higher ranking blood for the more intense of them.

For now Izunavi was providing him with that blood, but once he finished his training Kurapika would be responsible for obtaining his own blood.

At the moment, Kurapika had mastered all of the skills necessary for the use of Hatsu, including In, and others such as Ken, Ko, and En. Blood Magic certainly got a lot more complicated once there was more to immerse yourself in aside from just Ten, Ren, Zetsu, and Gyo. All of these new abilities required intense focus.

Luckily for Kurapika, he was nothing if not focused.

Sometimes Izunavi would lecture him about needing to spend more time on the basics, to which Kurapika would threaten to leave and figure it out on his own.

He bickered a lot with Izunavi, but all in all they got along just fine.

The human was well versed in Blood Magic, and was an incredible asset for the furthering of Kurapika's goals.

Right now, Kurapika was making preparations to create his own personal set of Hatsu spells. It was a very involved process, but after much bouncing off each other's ideas Kurapika and Izunavi had decided that the Elf's spells would revolve around materializing a powerful set of chains.

The initial summoning of the chains only required Kuraipka's blood, but the individual abilities of the chains themselves required a higher ranked Bloodletting for each.

Kurapika was studying chains, envisioning in his mind just what he would be summoning. He was sitting on the concrete floor of an abandoned building in the far reaches of Yorknew City. Surrounded by piles and piles of chains.

He smelled the chains, even tasted them.

Now he was allowing his Ren to flow around them, memorizing the feel of the metal against his Magic. In order to create chains using Magic, he would need to memorize them using Magic. It was enough to give a less intelligent being (like Leorio or Gon) a headache, but Kurapika was more than capable of accomplishing a year's worth of work in only a month.

"Interesting. You have an attractive Ren. Chains suit you."

Kurapika jumped out of his skin, chains clanging and being flung in all directions. He leapt into a fighting stance, a chain gripped in his hands and held out before him. What the fuck was HE doing here?!

Izunavi snorted himself awake, then scrambled to his feet, hand reaching into his pocket to grab a vile of blood. "Who the hell are you?!"

With a swishing of black feathers, none other than Chrollo Lucilfer turned away from Kurapika to face his second stage master. "Oh, no one important."

Kurapika scoffed, relaxing his fighting stance, but not lowering his hostility. "Why are you here? How did you find me?!" he snapped, aura pushing aggressively against Chrollo's.

The Dark Angel shuffled his wings, looking around for somewhere to sit. "The usual way." He settled for the floor with a shrug, sitting down criss cross with his chin balanced on his hand. "'Don't let me bother you. Please, continue."

Kurapika fixed the bothersome Angel with a steely glare. "Get out."

"Kurapika, who the fuck is this?" Izunavi asked, voice high pitched and confused.

Chrollo blinked at the blonde, smiling that stupid toothless smile and waiting to see what his response was.

"A nuisance," Kurapika growled, sitting back down in his pile of chains.

Izunavi glanced back and forth between the two males, blinking in confusion at the tension between them. He then shook his head and sat back down to continue his nap. He didn't like the feel of the Angel's presence, but he clearly did not pose a threat. Kurapika could handle himself, anyways. He was surrounded by chains, you know.

Kurapika took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to refocus his Ren. But all he could focus on was the prickling feeling of Chrollo's gaze on him, watching as he encased himself in Ren.

"Stop that," he snapped, eyes remaining closed.

"I'm just watching you."

"You know what you're doing. You're trying to distract me."

"Why would I do that?"

Kurapika opened his eyes to glare at the dark haired Spider. "You marched into my life out of the blue once again, placing me on a floor you know good and well I am not powerful enough to survive a fight on, and now that I only have a single month to master Hatsu - because of you, I might add - you're here to try to get underfoot and fuck me up."

Chrollo quirked a brow. "I was just trying to help you out. It generally takes at least four months to progress from floor 300 to floor 325, unless one is unnaturally talented like those two boys of yours, anyway. If you took the hint, like I know you would, you'd take the maximum of three months to learn Hatsu. Therefore skipping all the formalities and slow advancement to make your way directly to the top. I had not intended for you to only take one month, though the prospect amuses me, I have to say."

Kurapika scoffed, closing his eyes once again. "You say that I'll be able to 'skip all the formalities.' And you say it as if I'll be able to continue doing so, and not just for my early advancement to the 325th floor. Are you suggesting that I will advance all the way from floor 325 to the stop in a single match?"

"Are you suggesting that you are not capable of such a feat?"

Silence between the two males.

Kurapika responded by fluidly whipping a knife out of his pocket and slitting his wrist. He allowed the blood to seep into his Ren, dancing about in his Magic and awaiting his orders. With minimal effort, he focused his mind.

Determined to put this asshole in his place.

His Magic hardened and collected before him.

Kurapika held up his right hand, and a set of chains materialized around his wrist and fingers.

He opened his eyes, burning scarlet, and glared at Chrollo.

The Angel grinned.

Three weeks since Kurapika left.

And two weeks of infiltrating and killing a base full of Magic-tainted children every single night.

This job was horrible, a living hell. Killua couldn't stand it.

He hated it so damn much.

And even though he knew it was necessary… even though he knew that the entire Dragonite subspecies was hanging in the balance… even though he knew that his hand was the only way to free these children from their suffering at the grip of Demonic Power…

Killua was crumbling on the inside.

With every tiny neck that he turned… with every pile of melty corpses he had to leave unburied… he suffered.

And that woman with the wild purple hair…

She always appeared.

Every single night.

She would order the kids to activate their Magic, and they would. Without hesitation. What was she doing? Did she not see that her clanmates were suffering? Did she not see that what remained of her family was being slaughtered by her own hand?

Perhaps Killua was the one to do the deed, but she was still the one initiating the conflict.

And even though Killua knew this and knew that Alluka was in mortal danger…

The words from the deranged woman stung.

Each and every night she'd give that same speech.

The speech about how horrible Killua was. How he could never outrun his past mistakes. That atonement was an impossibility, and unrealistic dream of sinners. No one held a place in heaven but the innocent. And in her warped lens of the world around her, herself and her clanmates were the only innocent in existence.

But even so.

But still.

She was in Killua's mind.

Every waking moment of his was corrupted by her screams, her cries. Her maniacal ranting and the way she always slipped away before Killua could get to her. She used his softness against him. She knew that he could incapacitate all those kids in one fell swoop, and then descend upon her to end it with ease. But she also knew that Killua would never do that. He'd never leave those kids to scream and suffer as he battled their leader.

No, he would end all of them one by one, fast and painless.

A release from their suffering and their misguided use of Blood Magic.

But even as she knew what he was doing for these kids–

She shamed Killua for it.

She spat in his face.

She slandered him.

She verbally abused him.

And she placed crack after crack in Killua's mental fortitude.

But that didn't matter. Killua didn't matter. It didn't matter how much it hurt, or how loudly he wailed afterwards. It didn't matter that his own claw marks peppered his body so brutally that he had to cover his skin with long pants and sleeves.

It didn't matter that he started skipping out on beach days to hide his self-inflicted wounds…

It didn't matter that he felt a chill settling between himself and Gon.

Because… someone like him didn't deserve Gon.

What right did he have, a murder, to be so close to the object of his deepest affections? Besides… it's not like Gon actually cared about him anyways. He stopped coming to the bathroom door every night. He left Killua alone in his misery. He knew that Gon heard him, but he stopped coming after a week of being denied and pushed away.

And Killua knew, oh, Killua knew that that was his fault and his alone, but still.

He couldn't help but feel bitter with Gon for listening to him and allowing him to shut himself down about it. Since when did Gon stand for Killua's suppressive bullshit? Since when did he stand by and watch him suffer? Why did Gon suddenly respect Killua's boundaries?

Wasn't Gon supposed to be the light to Killua's darkness?!

Wasn't it Gon's responsibility to drag him out of this even as he kicked and screamed in resistance?!

It annoyed Killua to no end.

It made him angry.

His conflicting feelings about himself… about his actions… about his sexuality… about his past mistakes that he could never hope to atone for… he was projecting them onto Gon, and Gon's sudden reluctance to latch onto Killua like a shark on its prey and drag the emotional pain out of him.

And Killua hated himself for that.

Gon didn't deserve that.

Gon didn't deserve to be projected on and treated this way. Killua was driving him away, and if he wanted his comfort than all he had to do was open that fucking bathroom door! But that chance had passed, as Gon no longer stood at the door and begged to be let in. Gon never cried silently as he was forced to listen to Killua's pain without being able to act on it.

And Killua didn't blame him.

No one deserved to be used as an emotional dumpster.

No one deserved to be leaned on like that.

No one deserved to be an emotional outlet used to sap happiness that one could not make for themselves.

And even in knowing all this… Killua still felt bitter towards Gon.

Because… because all this time… it was nothing but pity, right? Gon pitied him, pitied these tears and these displays of weakness. Killua didn't have the stomach to do what he was bred to do anymore, and it was hard for Gon to watch. It had to be.

And because he pitied Killua, and nothing more, he was unwilling to take that next step.

He was unwilling to barge that door down and rip Killua from his darkness.

And because Killua was unwilling to ask for help himself… because all he was capable of doing was waiting in misery for Gon's help (that wasn't coming this time, he had his own shit to work through, what with Kurapika gone and a struggling Leorio to attend to)... and because he was already hating himself for everything else… he leaned on Gon like he always did. But in a different way this time.

Because he always leaned on Gon for emotional clarity, and now that that clarity was not being offered, Killua inflicted that self hate for his inability to ask for that help onto Gon… and he let his own darkness push in between them.

Because that was all Killua was now…

Darkness.

Darkness that feared the nighttime more than anything.

Every day… every day it was harder and harder for Killua to function. Because he knew… he knew that once night fell, he'd have to endure that torture all over again. And even as he told himself how much he deserved this, that this was his responsibility and he had a duty to protect Alluka and Gon and Leorio–

He was scared.

And unwilling to accept this judgment.

How incredibly weak was that?

Killua was acting off.

Gon didn't like it.

He'd been acting off ever since about a week after Kurapika left… and he'd run off at random and then lied about it. Ever since he'd been crying in the middle of the night… and had refused to let Gon in.

And he kept crying. He continued leaving every night… and returning hours later in such an intense state of distress that Gon himself cried along with him. And through it all, Killua acted like nothing was wrong in the morning. Acted like nothing was wrong even though he distanced himself from Leorio and Gon. He walked behind them on the sidewalks, and sat on the other side of the table from them. He refused to come to the beach or the water park with them, and he trained on his own rather than in the living room like they always did.

Killua was slipping away, and Gon was watching it before his very eyes.

But he didn't know what to do.

He didn't know how to help Killua, not when Killua refused to let him in. And yes, he'd never let that stop him before, but now…

Now Killua was struggling through something that Gon felt he wasn't qualified to understand. Kurapika and Killua had been so close… and Gon felt self conscious about trying to reassure Killua about it. Why was that? Dammit, why the hell was he unable to comfort his best friend?!

That was because of a newfound anxiety.

Back before these nighttime outings had started, Killua had been drawing so close to Gon. It had been intoxicating, magnetizing. It had left Gon drunk and reeling for more. He'd never felt closer to Killua than he had in that moment, and even though Kurapika left and interrupted that peace, Killua was still there.

It made him hyper-aware of Killua, and then when Killua started drifting away…

All of a sudden there was this uncomfortable prickle in Gon's mind.

Kurapika had left, and he was terrified that Killua would do the same. And even though he knew Killua was suffering… he woke up the next morning like nothing had happened at all. He was clearly handling it on his own, and when Gon asked if he was alright he'd brush him off with a laugh and a grin.

A grin that still managed to warm Gon's chest… but a grin that made his stomach twist in anxiety. Killua was definitely lying. Gon needed to attend to Killua, he needed to help him–

But then there was Leorio.

Leorio loved Kurapika more than anything, and now that he had disappeared like this the Goblin was taking the hit the hardest. Gon kept close to Leorio, helping him out and talking him through it. Leorio was leaning on him hard in these trying times, and Gon knew he was the only thing keeping the older male together.

And Killua needed him too! But…

Keeping up with Leorio was so hard as it was, and Killua wouldn't let him in. He'd have to bust in on Killua, he'd have to yell at him and pound against the walls coming up around his mind. It would take so much effort, and Gon already had so much on his plate already.

Dammit, such a stupid excuse.

Killua needed him, for fuck's sake!

Sure, he didn't let him in and kept pushing him away, but that didn't mean he should just sit back and ignore him! So what if he was already spread thin caring for Leorio?! Gon had to hold this family together! And ever since those two weeks ago Killua wasn't doing it anymore! This was Gon's responsibility! It was his job!

He'd been sitting back for two weeks and doing nothing… allowing himself to be consumed by his own anxiety over Kurapika and the struggle to keep Leorio out of his head. Everyone was depending on him, and he had to pay up!

He had to…

And–

And he'd just have to ignore this sudden fear over Killua!

Just because he acted okay didn't mean he was okay!

It didn't matter if Killua yelling at him to go away and leave him the fuck alone through the door made his insides recoil… it didn't matter if it seemed like Killua would just get angry with him if he tried to get involved… Killua had always wanted him involved before, right?

But…

It'd been happening for months on end now, and Gon had been ignoring it…

But, honestly?

Killua had been hiding something from Gon for a while now.

And after that taste of fear when they were leaving the Neko-Village… Gon was terrified of losing Killua. He'd tried to figure out what he was hiding, he really had! But Killua was hiding it so damn well and then training and then all this and–

Gon had brushed it off as just nothing, telling himself that if it was really that important than Killua would have just told Gon.

But… if Killua had been hiding whatever this was from him for so long, what if he wanted to do the same for this? What if… by Gon forcing himself in, Killua completely retracted? Fuck, it scared Gon so much. Nothing scared Gon more than losing Killua…

And that's what this was.

A petty, pointless fear.

He was letting his own residual insecurities from Whale Island get in between him and Killua AGAIN.

And this time Killua was in too much pain to snap Gon out of it.

This time it was Gon's turn! Gon had to snap himself out of it!

Killua needed him, and was depending on him.

They all were!

He had to do this.

And if Killua wouldn't let him in… then Gon would have to figure this out on his own.

Tonight, Gon was going to follow Killua.

He was going to trail him, and figure out what the heck was going on with him.

Then he could do it.

Then he could understand and help Killua, and he could fix all of this.


AN: come on, Gon! we believe in you! *cries*