With a gust of rainy wind at his back, Killua arrived back at the apartment. He dropped down onto the railing, just like he had done night after night after night. The last night this had happened, Gon had waited up for him and Killua had been scared out of his mind.

But this time, he hoped Gon was up waiting for him.

Actually, he could feel it.

He knew Gon was there.

Gon was waiting for him, not going to accept his pushing the others away anymore. And Killua wouldn't stand for it anymore either. He'd tell Gon what was going on, and then everything could finally be okay. He was drowning in this pain, but just the thought of being able to see Gon grounded him. Calmed him. Reassured him that everything was going to be okay.

Killua opened the door, and slipped into the apartment. Which was… empty?

It was completely dark… just the same as they'd left it that morning. Where was everyone? Where was the celebratory Leorio? Where was the onslaught of yells demanding to know where Killua found the audacity to leave right before Leorio's winning blow?

What was… going on?

Killua stood in the space between the living room and kitchen and the two hallways jutting out to the four bedrooms. It was dead silent.

Dread pumped into Killua's veins like a deadly poison.

Thunder cracked, and all of a sudden Gon was perched on the railing like a vengeful and determined soul. The moon at his back, the glow of those amber eyes was all that Killua could see against the black silhouette that was Gon.

The boy hopped down, and walked in through the door.

"Gon!" Killua breathed, "I'm so glad to see you, you'd never imagine–"

Killua trailed off. Gon wasn't responding. His face was dark and empty. His eyes were dark and glazed over. And he was holding… something. Wrapped up in his jacket. He was soaking wet… and was that blood caked to the soles of his boots?

Oh no.

"Killua," Gon said, his voice an emotionless and smooth mask. It sent chills straight down to Killua's very core. That was how… that was how Illumi spoke. Hearing Gon talk like that was… his worst nightmare come to life.

Gon slowly unwrapped the thing in his jacket, and held it up for Killua to see.

"What's this?" he asked, finishing his sentence.

A cold feeling crashed over Killua's head like icy water from an enormous bucket.

It was the infant.

In all its horrid glory. Head flopped over to the side, eye sockets empty and melted.

And Gon was holding it.

Gon had carried it through the rain.

Gon had–

"Killua, did you really do all that stuff in that warehouse? Was all that carnage, was it really you?"

Killua opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.

No– this was not how this was supposed to happen–

Gon shuddered, facial expression twisting into one of a mixture of pain and rage. He gritted his teeth and his eyebrows turned upwards. "Killua. tell me this is a joke. Some sort of horrible joke." He was trembling with emotion. Aura was starting to roll off him, black and oozing. Tears lined his eyes, and his fingers shook as he held the child up.

"Gon, I…" Killua's voice cracked. He was unable to find the words. All of a sudden, he had no idea how to explain. If Gon had seen all of that without any context–

"Is killing all those kids what you were doing every night when you left and returned covered in blood?" Gon asked, choking over his words.

I can't lie to him.

"Yes."

Gon froze. Eyes darting back and forth, trying to decide which floor tile to focus on. His aura sucked back into his body just like that, and his arms fell slack. His grip on the infant was so incredibly gentle, and the look on his face was so incredibly broken.

"But, Gon, I can exp–" Killua started, words rushed and voice shaking.

Only for Gon to interrupt.

"-So you left Leorio to die, so you could run off and kill a bunch of kids?"

Now it was Killua's turn to freeze.

"What?"

Gon's expression turned horrified. "You don't know."

The silence to follow was torture.

"Gon, what do you mean? What happened to Leorio? Is he–"

Fuck. Fuck. Killua had never felt this afraid in his life. His heart was hammering in his chest, and emotions swirled around him in a desperate storm. There was a whine rising in his throat. But Leorio had been doing just fine! He'd been holding his own, he'd been–

No.

Not Leorio.

Anything but that.

"Killua. You ran off. Right when Leorio took a critical hit," Gon's voice was shadow itself. "His opponent punched right through his stomach, flung his guts all over the arena floor."

Killua was shaking.

That's exactly what he'd done to Dysnomia.

"Leorio was going to fucking die," Gon said, words pronounced precisely, each syllable an arrow directly through Killua's heart and soul. Gon's voice was rising as he spoke, and his aura was beginning to seep out again, little by little. "I screamed to stop the match, that psycho was gonna fucking kill him. Fights end at a critical hit, you don't have to kill your opponent, that's just a personal choice. But he was about to bash Leorio's brains into the cement. Leorio was already dying, he needed to be at the hospital literally right then. I turned to you, so we could run him over there and save his fucking life. But what were you doing? Running away."

Killua gasped, tears welling in his eyes.

"And what the fuck were you doing?! What the fuck was you're reason to LEAVE LEORIO TO FUCKING DIE?! MASS HOMICIDE! WHAT THE FUCK KILLUA?!"

Killua flinched back, Gon's words physically hurting him. "I'm so sorry! I didn't know, is Leorio okay!? Is he–"

"-Why should you care?!" Gon yelled. "You left him to die! Why does it matter to you?"

For the past matter of weeks Killua had gone out and killed every night.

He'd killed against his will.

He'd suffered a greater pain than ever before in his life.

For all those nights he'd destroyed countless souls, he hadn't wanted to do any of it.

And the knowledge that all that young blood was all over his hands was almost too much to bear. He lay awake at night clawing at his hair, trying to escape the prison that was his own skull. His own skin. His own body and blood.

That whole time he'd been pushing Leorio and Gon away, but even so they had been his only life line.

And for Gon to come here and tell him that Leorio had almost died because of him… and that it wasn't his place to be concerned–

After all he'd gone through at the hands of Illumi–

When he hadn't even known this was going on so how the fuck was if fair to blame Killua–

He jumped to the defensive.

"What do you mean?! Of course it concerns me!" Killua exclaimed, voice rising. "Why the fuck wouldn't I care?! Leorio's just as much my friend as he is yours! Now tell me if he's fucking alive or not!"

"Oh he's alive alright!" Gon shot back. "Because of me, because I was there and I care about my friends! He's completely healed, sleeping in the hospital right now. No thanks to you!"

Killua released a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

Thank the fucking gods.

"Don't act all relieved!" Gon screamed.

Killua glared at him, teeth bared. "What gives you the right to tell me what the fuck to do?!" I've been following orders for weeks now. You're supposed to be my salvation, not my superior!

"Leorio, that's fucking what! Do you not see the issue here?!"

"I already fucking apologized for that! I didn't know shit about what was happening, how was I supposed to be able to focus on what was going on when–"

"-When what?! When you were lusting over the chance to kill more children?!"

Oh fuck no.

Rage simmered to life within Killua.

Lusting over the–

Dayaamay's kind eyes flashed across Killua's mind.

Gon didn't even know. He had no fucking right to blame Killua for this.

He wasn't killing those kids for fun, he was freeing them from themselves and from that psycho bitch. By insinuating that they were nothing more than victims to Killua's "freak serial killing tendencies" disrespected their resolve. Disrespected their sacrifice.

"Oh shut the fuck up, you goddamned freak! You have no place accusing me of 'lusting over violence,' what the FUCK! Do you see yourself?! All you care about is fucking fighting and getting your fucking adrenaline fix! You think I don't see that look in your eyes when you fight?! Don't go calling me out for something you do! And for the record, you have NO FUCKING CLUE what's really going on here, cause you too fucking stupid to figure it the fuck out!"

"Well maybe I'd know what was going on if you'd fucking tell me! I asked you a million times and what did you do?! You told me to 'leave me the fuck alone.' Your words, by the way!" Gon screamed. He was yelling so loud spittle was flying.

"I just tried to fucking tell you!" Killua screamed, stepping closer and getting in Gon's face. "I just tried to fucking tell you! And what did you do!?" he poked Gon in the chest over and over, hard enough to bruise in the morning. "You fucking talked over me and accused me of shit I didn't do!"

Gon set the infant balled into his jacket on the table, and then stepped forward against Killua. He was slightly shorter but he was definitely more aggressive. "I don't need your fucking excuses now!" he screamed, the noise making Killua's ears rattle. "I saw with my own damned eyes what happened, I'm not some fucking amateur kid! I have years worth of professional experience investigating stuff like that, so don't go trying to convince me that what I saw isn't what I saw!"

"Oh really? Oh really?" Killua shot back in a mocking tone. "When'd you do that? When you were skipping and singing all over the globe? Flinging flowers and setting shit on fire? Did you investigate who stole your fucking spear and flint back on your fucking hick-ass island?"

Gon growled, the sound ripping through his throat. His eyes burned, glowing brighter than ever before. His horns suddenly shot an inch longer apiece, and the most threatening aura Killua had ever sensed from Gon pounded against his own.

Killua had just struck a serious nerve.

"Oh shut the fuck up, you damned Valkyrie elitest. Go back to you fucking mountain and your gilded throne. I don't need your bitch-ass opinions."

Killua growled back, raging against Gon's aura with his own. He shoved Gon in the chest, "That's just the fucking issue! As if you care about other people's opinions?! Other people's feelings?!" Killua's voice broke on the word 'feelings,' and suddenly tears were streaming down his face. "You have no fucking clue! All you care about is your damned self! You're too fucking self absorbed to stop for even a second and consider what anyone else around you is thinking or feeling!"

"Since when, huh?!" Gon screamed, "Since fucking when?! Who's the one holding Leorio together?! Who's the one who tried to hold you together even when you fucking yelled at me and pushed me away?! The one who doesn't care about anyone else's feelings is YOU, KILLUA!"

The hybrid snarled and took a step back, he turned around. Facing away from Killua.

"But it doesn't fucking matter, does it? It must be real easy for you, considering it never really mattered to you anyways."

"What–"

"You never liked Kurapika or Leorio from the start. I'm not stupid, I knew you wanted them gone. You're the only one who's really okay about Kurapika's absence, and you clearly don't give a damn about Leorio. Or me, for that matter."

Killua gasped, everything he'd just yelled at Gon suddenly catching up with him.

He'd insulted Whale Island–

He'd called Gon an ignorant fool–

Now Gon was saying that Kurapika and Leorio had never truly been his friends in the first place–

"He clearly pities you, that's the only explanation."

"Gon, wait–"

The hybrid looked over his shoulder, tears streaming down his cheeks. Rage still burning in those amber eyes. "Go away Killua."

"What?" Killua's whispered, voice no more than a broken whimper.

"Get out of my fucking apartment."

Killua gritted his teeth, and stalked out the door. He stopped on the balcony, feeling like he wasn't in his real body. Cause this could never actually be happening, right? The assassin glanced over his shoulder at Gon, who was watching him with those angry eyes. Angry eyes that were oh, so sad. So broken.

Killua had done that.

Killua had put that pain there.

The assassin choked back a sob, and broke away from Gon's gaze for the last time.

He clasped the mask to his face, and was gone in a flash of bloodstained clothing and matted white hair.

Gon hunched over Leorio's hospital bed. He was knelt down on the floor, with his face buried in the sterile sheets. The beeping of the machinery was the only thing keeping him awake, the only thing keeping him sane for that matter. He focused on the beeping, so that was the only thing his mind was aware of.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

That was all there was.

There was no Hisoka… no dead kids… no infant buried in the shadows of the rocks by the beach… no arguments… and no– no Killua.

Gon clenched his hand into a fist.

Only one of those things was actually true… only one of those things was actually gone.

The hybrid jerked his head up when he heard a shuffling of the sheets. It was Leorio. He was sitting up in his bed, rubbing his forehead and looking exhausted. "Where… am I?"

Gon choked over his sobs, and flung himself at the Goblin.

"Wha– Gon?" he sputtered, slowly embracing him back.

Gon sobbed into his shoulder, shaking like a newborn fawn.

"Kid, what's wrong?" Leorio asked, voice soft and fatherly.

"I– I thought you were gonna die."

"Heh, heh," Leorio sniffed, and Gon smelled the salt of his tears. "It'll take a lot more than that to kill me. I'm okay, kid. No need to worry."

Gon shuddered a breath and let Leorio go. He moved back to his chair beside the bed, and buried his face in his hands, elbows propped up on his knees.

"Hey… Where's Killua?" Leorio asked, voice hopeful and confused.

Gon stiffened.

"It's his birthday today… isn't it? I totally forgot but…" Leorio trailed off, looking at Gon.

That was it. Gon choked on air, sobs wracked his shoulders.

"Gon?"

The hybrid just shook his head.

Leorio didn't say anything else.

Gon wiped the tears from his cheeks, and sat up. He forced all of these feelings down. He shoved all his heart ache and pain over Killua's absence away. He refused to acknowledge it. He forced himself to stop thinking about all the horrible stuff Killua had said to him, and all the horrible stuff he'd said to Killua.

That didn't matter right now.

He couldn't handle stuff like that right now. No, no more grief. There was too much already.

Kite. Kurapika. And now Leorio.

He couldn't handle another.

And especially not if that other was Killua.

But there was one thing he could handle.

Gon growled low in his throat, and rage filled him to the brim. Thick, black aura spilled off of him, and he glared off into space. "I'll kill that guy who hurt you. I swear to the fucking gods. He'll fucking pay."