Need You Now
Church might have been happy for Hil in the end, but that doesn't mean learning to accept Hil as the one that got away was easy or simple.
Timeline: During the months following the end of Black 2.
Setting: Unova
Notes: Pining/unrequited love, addictions/alcoholism (…when did Church become my addictions character? I have no idea!), platonic fluff (…sort of?)
Characters: Churchill (Church), Hilbert (Hil)
Prerequisite Reading: Black, Black 2
Although he was no stranger to suits and tuxedos, Church felt as if the dark, formal attire he was in at that moment were strangling him. He was tucked away in the farthest reaches of the vast room, and he still felt as if he were too exposed. Stage fright wasn't like him; it wasn't a good look on him, either, he mutinously thought as he realized how pathetic he must have looked. It was Cheren and Bianca's wedding, for Arceus' sake, and he was hiding like a beaten Lillipup… Part of that was because of how some guests recognized him and swarmed him in that fanatical way they always did, but he was used to that. Him shying away wasn't normal.
No, the real reason was that Hil was there, with N, and just being in the same room as either of them could feel suffocating. To add insult to injury, Grimsley had just left the Pokémon League a month before, and not long after that, had skipped out on the region altogether. He had gone to a quaint, relatively unknown region called Alola. His departure had made Church realize just how laughably alone he was. His constant work, divided between the Pokémon League and Pokéstar Studios, not to mention all the time he had spent with Hil prior to his instatement as Consul, meant he had no friends outside of it all, or whatever friendships he had started to build outside of them had long-since rotted away into obscurity due to his own inadvertent neglect. He and his father hardly spoke anymore. It wasn't out of disdain or hatred, but rather just… out of not having anything in common. Their conversations were full of Church's father showering him in pride and that somehow had a way of making Church feel worse.
Maybe seeing Hil again shouldn't have been so painful. He fiddled with the collar of the suit and set his jaw. No, it shouldn't have been. He was still happy for Hil; he could see how thrilled his old friend was with N whenever he saw them together, and he knew that he and Hil had never quite operated on the same wavelength like they seemed to. Yet, he also knew that he was happy for Hil because he loved him, and he wanted him to feel happiness… which, in turn, just made Church feel sharp pangs of yearning whenever he'd catch sight of Hil anywhere, selfish little qualms that made him want to stomp his feet like a toddler and demand to know why Hil couldn't feel that with him rather than N. He kept those feelings hidden, thank Arceus, but they were still there. The kicker was that, despite his best attempts to keep a cap on such feelings, Hil seemed to have noticed anyway. After Grimsley's departure, Church had become keenly aware of how Hil avoided him. He'd awkwardly squirm out of any conversation Church initiated and whenever he accidentally glanced Church's way, he'd swallow anxiously and look away, with an expression that made Church feel more like the wounded animal he felt he was.
Earlier, as soon as Church had arrived at the wedding reception in Clay's private estate (he had apparently offered it to Cheren to use for free as soon as he'd heard the news about him and Bianca), he had run into Hil and the two had shared a mortifyingly awkward exchange. N had stood at Hil's side, and Hil had squeezed the other's hand, a forced smile painted on his face as he regarded Church. "Ah, Church, nice to see you here," he had mused. "How's, um… You like the... uh…"
"Nice to see you, too," Church had cut him off, desperately wanting the embarrassing scene to be over. When Hil had looked down at his feet, clearly having nothing else to say, N had curiously cocked his head at Church… who hadn't been able to meet his gray eyes. That was another thing, too—N was just so pleasant and Church didn't believe he had a bad bone in his body. He could be rude without intending to, due to a lack of understanding social cues, but otherwise? N was great. He had fantastic ideas, he could talk to pokémon, he didn't look bad, either—and he and Hil worked so well together. Looking at him just made Church think about how he had done nothing wrong, Hil was just happier with N by default. Maybe he shouldn't have thought about it like that, but the self-destructive thought refused to leave.
Regardless, that disastrous half-conversation had been what had led to Church sneaking away to the furthest corners of the room. Part of him had hoped that maybe Hil would seek him out, and maybe they'd talk through the sea of uncertainty that had filled in the space between them since they had broken up, so that they could at least just carry a conversation like friends, but of course, that never happened. Beyond the hurt at having let Hil go, Church was devastated by the weirdness between them now. He still wanted Hil as a friend at least, but how could that happen given how they failed to speak at all half the time?
The reception dragged on and on and the only people that came to see him were the few guests that didn't get to regularly see him like most of the League Staff did. When he finished talking and sending them all away, however, he was left perfectly alone. Honestly, he spent the last hour or so mostly on his Xtransceiver, wordlessly playing an idle puzzle game. At least it did the job it was meant to do as a time waster…
Church didn't catch most of the reception, to be honest, and once it was over, he was among one of the first to leave. He doubted Cheren would notice, given the happy day he was experiencing, and more bitterly, he thought that nobody else would certainly care. With the help of his Volcarona, he was back at the Pokémon League within two hours, and retreated to Grimsley's old quarters right away. They were his now, but they weren't decorated with much yet, and Grimsley had left behind plenty of furniture and knickknacks. Church still had a place in Virbank, after all, and he hadn't decided if he wanted to properly move into the League yet or not. Figuring that out along with his acting work was a whole other can of Venipede he still needed to sort out… Yet, it felt too overwhelming to think about, so he picked his way to the quarter's master bedroom and flopped down on the unmade bed, on his stomach. He was vaguely aware when a Poké Ball opened of its own accord from his belt and didn't even need to see to know who it was. "Go away, Victini," he huffed moodily right away.
With a little chuff that somehow sounded scolding, Victini moved so that he was in front of him on the bed, and when Church looked up at him grumpily, he saw that his tiny arms were crossed over his chest. "What?" Church asked, frustrated. Seeing Victini right then was not helpful. Lucky. Yep, that's me, Church thought sarcastically.
Victini shook his head at him, but moved from the bed, hovering in midair. Ignoring Victini altogether after that, Church got up and changed into something that vaguely resembled pajamas, brushed his teeth, and then curled back up into the bed. He'd make it up to his other pokémon for failing to let them out for the evening the next day. He didn't have the energy right then.
Staring at the yellow scarf hanging on the back of the bedroom door—Grimsley had left it behind—Church gave a long, laborious sigh. He felt so overwhelmed… and while everyone happily came to him whenever something was wrong, Church was acutely aware of how he didn't think he could do the same with any of the others. Story of my life, he almost chuckled sadly to himself. Then again, it wasn't like he ever tried, was it? So, he couldn't reasonably be upset with them… but if he did break and show them the wounds underneath the grand Churchill façade, would they still view him the same, or would they all look at him in that pitying way Hil did?
He hated this new contest, the quiet competition between him and Hil, of acting like who could care less, and his mind refused to calm down. After only Arceus knew how long of laying there and waiting for exhaustion to take him, Church stumbled back out of bed and decided to rifle through the kitchen to find anything that he could mindlessly munch while watching something stupid on TV until he was too tired to think anymore. He had stowed away some food and such there for the time being, as he knew he'd be staying there some nights at least. Settling on a bag of popcorn, he went to open the fridge for a can of soda but accidentally pulled the freezer side open. He recoiled at the sight of a few liquor bottles that he had yet to throw out. He had forced Grimsley to leave them with him once he moved out, but he hadn't actually tossed them away yet. He stood there and stared at them for a long, long moment, before slowly flicking the freezer side of the refrigerator shut with a flick of his wrist. He felt an unpleasant curiosity bubbling in his chest, one that made him fleetingly wonder just what could make the bottle so addictive during hardships, but he banished it immediately by wrenching open the proper refrigerator side of the fridge, retrieving a soda can.
With that, he marched into the living area of the chambers, flopping onto a couch, and snatched the TV remote. He left the can of soda unopened on the coffee table in front of him and although he was watching the TV, his mind was elsewhere. After a few minutes, Victini reappeared, settling onto the back of the couch near him.
Church couldn't bring himself to look at him. Lucky, he thought with a vehement wave of disgust. That's me. Lucky Churchill fucking Pines.
"Churchill, you're up! Hey, wake up, man!"
Jerking awake, Church nearly fell out the chair he had been relaxing in as he awaited his scene. The director waved a hand at him in front of his face. "You alive in there?" he joked, adjusting shiny glasses over his thin, long face.
"No," Church answered blithely, not entirely understanding the question, which earned him a laugh from the other. He felt like he'd been run over and then subsequently backed over a few times with a truck, and his mind felt as if it were trudging through several layers of sludge to think. Hell, everything didn't even look that clear; the studio room seemed unusually bright and loud (though he couldn't pick out any particular source of light or sound), and on top of it all, he had a pounding headache. "I mean, what?" he corrected himself after the director's chuckle.
"You okay?" the director asked with a slight, amused frown. A Scraggy hobbled up beside him at that point and cocked its head at Church.
"Hi, Scrags," Church greeted the pokémon with a lazy wave and half-smile. He liked Scrags. He was the director's pokémon… What was the director's name again…?
"Church!" the director snapped fingers in his face then. "Church! Ha, you are out of it. The hell did you get into last night?"
"What?" Church felt a pang of panic as he jerked his head to stare at the director. Jun, that was his name. Feeling a sense of indignation, Church shook his head violently, to the point he felt dizzy and it exacerbated the headache. No, he hadn't done a thing last night. Nothing at all. He was fine. Everything was fine. It was all good. What the hell did Jun want? He was fine. "I didn't… get int' anythin' last night…"
"Do you even know where you are?" Jun asked him pointedly, shoving his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. They had started to slide down due to a slight sheen of sweat building over his forehead.
Huh… it was really hot in that studio room, wasn't it? Without thinking, Church pulled the collar of his polo shirt away from his neck and undid a few of the buttons. Man, it was hot! "Pok'star Studios," he answered Jun's question dubiously. "Where else?"
"Wise ass," Jun muttered, rolling his eyes. Dropping his voice to something of a husky whisper, he leaned down and hissed in Church's ear, "You're hungover, Church. Hell, I think you're still kind of drunk, really. You're eighteen, what the hell are you doing drinking?"
"I am not," Church defended himself vehemently, feeling a lump of emotion rise in his throat. Or maybe it was bile… Either way, he refused to acknowledge what Jun was getting at, grimacing against the discomfort in his throat. He didn't do that sort of thing. He wasn't Grimsley, he wasn't his mother, he was Church, and he was fine—that was how he always was. He didn't need or want Jun's or anyone else's help. "'m fine, Jun…"
"…My name's Harper," the director deadpanned, and Church wrinkled his nose. Harper? Oh… Right… Jun was the director on the last… last month… Right… Standing back to his full height, Harper crossed his arms and shook his head. "No. C'mon, get out. We'll film your parts tomorrow, or something…" He cursed under his breath and then muttered, "I still really want you in this, but don't go off the rails like this on me, Churchill." With that he turned around and started to march away. "Arceus on a bike… Thought I got away from all the crazies with the last project…"
Left feeling upset and confused, thanks to his muddled mind, Church just leaned forward and clasped his hands over his face. He managed to summon what remained of his brainpower to think to call someone, anyone, to talk to and talk through the chaotic night he had endured. Unfortunately, his murky mind decided that Hil would somehow be the best person to call on the Xtransceiver. It rang a few times before Hil picked up and Church failed to realize he had the camera on his end directed so that it caught mostly just his hair and the palm he had pressed over his forehead.
"H-hi, Church—uh, Church…?" Church couldn't see what Hil was doing. He had momentarily forgotten that Xtransceivers defaulted to having video feeds on. "Er, hey… What's up…? I don't have long, I'm, uh, about to go to a meeting…"
"No, you're not," Church bluntly called him out. The squirrely, anxious tinge to his tone made it clear that he just wanted off the phone. In his inhibited state of mind, he shook his head and simply said that. "You jus' want off the phone."
"…Church, where are you? What's going on?"
"Pok'star Studios." Where else would I be?
"Okay… Uh… I'm… Look, you're freaking me out, I'm sorry, but y-you are. What's going on? Why won't you look up at the camera?"
He was talking too fast. "Huh?" Church mumbled, sweeping his hair out of his face and looking up at the screen at last. Hil looked like he was in a forest somewhere, and likely somewhere near the evergreen forests of the Giant Chasm given the way his breath produced puffs of mist with every exhale, but Church's eyes were fixed to another detail. Hil was in a plush, black hoodie, which was marred and marked on the front. Cursing under his breath, Church looked away again. "I don't know," Church finally answered him. "I don't know. I'm sorry for calling."
"What? Church, w—"
Church hung up before he had the chance to say anything else. He was vaguely aware of the device ringing again as he stuffed it into a pocket and shakily got to his feet, herded out of the studio by Harper after a moment of standing there dazedly. Once outside of the building, Church seemed to remember where he was more accurately, or perhaps it was by muscle memory that he retraced his steps back home so easily. Though he would have normally tossed his Arcanine free to walk with him, it completely slipped his mind until he got back to his place, where he simply threw all of his Premier Balls at the floor and let them clatter and release his partners. He uncharacteristically left the Premier Balls on the floor, said nothing to the pokémon, and made his way up the stairs and to his bedroom. He was just tired.
Of course, he had no idea how long he'd been asleep when he heard a furious knock at the door, but it was loud enough to wake him even from upstairs. Not to mention, Arcanine started barking his head off at the sound, so Church scrambled out of the bed and hurried down the stairs. He was feeling less muddled at that point, but was still half-asleep, and so, when he opened the door and Hil darted inside, he couldn't find the words to say anything. He could tell right away something was very wrong given how Hil didn't have Noodle at his side and was breathing heavily, as if he had rushed to get there.
Church went to open his mouth to say something, but Hil cut him off by animatedly pulling his bag around so he could retrieve something from it. Church paled at the sight of the liquor bottle, which still had a good amount left in it, but not enough to hope to pass for being unopened. Hil waved it at him. "What the hell, Church?!" he spat, voice strained with frustration and… hurt? His brown eyes were stretched wide almost fearfully.
"Hil, I…"
"You call me while I'm out helping Bianca by collecting something for her, scare the hell out of me, and then refuse to answer any calls? Then, I get worried, so I call the studio, can't get anyone on the phone, so I go looking around Grimsley's old chambers to see if there's anything there, and you know what I find? This!" Hil shook the bottle again. "I found that chilling on the living room table, the TV still on, and a half-eaten thing of popcorn! After you called me sounding like you were in trouble!"
Shrinking away from him, Church felt his back touch the wall and he almost wished he could have melted into it and away, out of this situation. This was so not how any of this was supposed to go… He hadn't meant to! It had been one night, he had felt awful, it… To its credit, it did eventually help get him to sleep, even if he felt awful and confused that morning… "Hil… I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking right earlier, I was—"
"Weren't thinking right earlier?!" Hil cut him off fiercely, topping it off with a scoff. Looking the bottle in his hand up and down, he sarcastically growled, "Boy, I'll say! I watched you shout at Grimsley so much about this! And then you go and get wasted on his stash? What the actual hell, Church?!"
Feeling a bolt of defensiveness, Church clenched his jaw. "Nice to know that it takes that happening for you to bother talking to me," he sniped, looking squarely at his shoes.
"I—…what?" That seemed to throw Hil for a loop. His shoulders slacked and he blinked rapidly. "What are you talking about?"
Incredible. He ignores me and he has no idea he's even been doing it. Does he not even realize that he looks at me like I'm a beaten Lillipup all the time? Is it just that ingrained? "What am I talking about?" Church repeated incredulously, then shook his head. Abruptly slapping the wall behind him in his frustration, though still not looking up at Hil, Church snapped, "I'm talking about how you avoid me like the damn plague! You look at me like I'm an ugly piece of furniture at the League instead of a part of it! You don't want anything to do with me!"
"Church, you're not being—"
"I know you like N! I'm not stupid! I don't care!" Church cut him off, bursting with all of those bottled away emotions. "I don't care that you like him over me, really, I mean, it hurts, sure, but I just wish you'd still talk to me! I thought that even if you did find someone else you liked better, you'd still be my friend, at least! But now you're acting like I'm not even there!"
Frustrated, Hil pointed at him with the bottle. "How am I supposed to acknowledge the fact that oh, yeah, I ripped your heart out when just having a casual conversation, Church? You know how you said you couldn't take the guilt of being with me, thinking you were keeping me from saving Unova, or whatever? Well, when I hang out with you, I feel like I'm… I'm… stopping you from enjoying yourself! Hell, all of this is happening the day after a wedding, so… Yeah, I can't help but feel like because I'm the guy who—"
"The guy who I loved, yes, I know," Church bristled. Desperately shaking his head and waving his hands, he almost whined, "But Hil, that's not yours to decide!"
Hil just stood with his mouth agape. "I don't… I don't understand what you mean."
"What I can or can't handle? That's not yours to decide!" Church exclaimed. "I'm an adult now! I can take it! You acting like our history is some big deal is what's making it such a big deal! But every time you look at me and pause before you walk on, or you awkwardly can't think of anything to say in conversation… or worse, you just pretend I'm not there at all…" Church covered his face and thought back to the awful, previous night, where sleep refused to come. "I've never heard silence so loud before…"
Hil couldn't seem to think of anything to even say. He opened and shut his mouth a few times before decidedly remaining quiet, taking a step back.
"It's really hard to move on and not act like a broken shell of a person when everyone else treats me like one," Church mumbled at last, feeling exhausted. And nauseous… His stomach hurt. He dropped his hands from his face and they hung at his sides as if he barely had the energy to stand.
"Then why couldn't you just say any of that?" Hil quietly asked at last. He surveyed the bottle in his grasp again. "Why is this how I had to find out?"
"I don't know. My mother loved it so much, more than me and my dad… I really cared for Grimsley and he loved it. I spent so long hating it so much, but so many others loved it, maybe I was the idiot who didn't know what I was missing," Church cagily muttered. "I know, I know… It was stupid."
"It was," Hil callously huffed. At Church's surprised stare, Hil shook his head. "No. I'm not acting nice on that, Church. You treated Grimsley the same way, and you wanna know something else I found out about my dear old dad?"
"…Vince? What…?"
"He was so drunk when he committed suicide it's shocking that he actually hit his target with that gun," Hil coldly growled. "I know, I know, the alcohol wasn't the only reason, I'll never know the real reason, blah blah blah, but it definitely couldn't have helped! So, come with me, I'm getting rid of this. I already got rid of the rest I could find in Grimsley's old chambers."
As Hil wagged the bottle at Church and walked away, Church followed him, slinking after him ashamedly. He didn't know what to say to that… There was silence as they entered the kitchen and Hil stood over the sink, opening the bottle, and pouring the strong-scented fluid down the drain. Just the steady chug-chug of the liquid leaving its glass prison. Once it was nearly empty, Hil fought against emotions strangling his voice to say, "I never stopped caring for you, Church. I just… when we broke up… you said… you said you'd 'wait' for me. And that's been tripping me up. Because… all I can think is… you might be waiting a really long time."
Church shuffled uncomfortably and clasped his hands behind his back, unable to meet Hil's eyes again. He heard movement and then the clank of glass, signifying Hil throwing the bottle out.
"I don't want you to wait for me, Church. If you can promise me that's not what's gonna happen, then maybe I can start acting normal again. I'm… I'm sorry I made you feel that way, though," Hil murmured. "I never meant to make you feel like you were… you weren't a person, that you were just this broken… thing… I'm so, so sorry… I just can't ever get over how I feel like I just keep hurting you every time we're together…"
"And yet, every time before we talked through it… This time it seemed like you didn't want to even try, and that I was going to lose you for good," Church whispered, fending off tears. "But… You are right in that I can't… I shouldn't," Church corrected himself with a tiny, sad chuckle, "wait for you… That is unfair to you, isn't it? To put all that pressure on you…"
There was another tense pause, and then Hil abruptly hugged Church, patting him on the back. "It'll be alright, Church," Hil insisted reassuringly, "I promise. Just… talk to us. Okay? Talk to us if anything is ever bothering you, especially if it ever gets to be that bad ever again. Even if me or N are busy, Nathan's got a lot more free time than either of us. He might be a bit of a dick sometimes, but he means well, and he's not all touchy-feely like I am, so I'm sure he could think of something fun for you to do to take your mind off everything that isn't… you know…"
Uncertainly hugging him back, Church found it hard to resist not just going limp in his hold. He really did feel like he'd been hit by a truck, except this time, the incredible relief he felt was part of it. He smiled and those stupid tears started to trickle down his face, especially as he realized Hil was still in that dark hoodie. What was it with Hil and his ability to reduce him to nothing like that? "Okay… Thank you, Hil… I'm sorry, again…"
Stepping away, Hil tilted his head, looking more like the easygoing old friend he used to know. "Now, c'mon. N's outside." He slyly pulled a familiar, glowing, perfect sphere from the pocket of the jacket and grinned. "Wanna take a ride with us back to the League and I drop you off with Nathan? He's taking a day off and Hugh's there. I'm sure they're raising all kinds of hell you could get into with them."
Rubbing his face in a bid to stop his overemotional reaction, Church laughed hoarsely. "Sure, sounds good to me… Ah, N… N knows there's nothing going on between me and you, right…?"
As if knowing what Church was really asking, Hil nodded. "Don't worry. He's not jealous. Though, uh…" He rubbed the back of his head and smiled nervously. "N's still… got a lot to learn about it all. I haven't wanted to directly ask for him to be my, uh, boyfriend yet because I don't know if he even fully knows what that… means… but I do think, given enough time… yeah."
Snorting in amusement, Church rubbed his wet face again. "You say that like all of us can't see that from a mile away."
Feigning hurt, Hil pouted. "Do you want a ride or nah?"
"'Course I do," Church chuckled. "Let me get the pokémon… who are all upstairs…?" Church frowned as he realized they had scattered, likely due to his and Hil's fighting. He felt a little bad about that… "Maybe I should tell them it'll be okay…"
"Maybe N could explain?" Hil offered encouragingly.
Church pondered that for a moment, and then nodded slowly. A slight smile pulled at his lips and he gave a shuddery, resigned sigh. "Yeah, that'd be good." Me wanting not to like him certainly isn't going to help anything, and N is genuinely a good guy… Two-way street, Church, if Hil's gonna put in the effort, so do you.
At those words, Hil practically beamed, as if overjoyed Church was willing to interact with N. "Great! I'll uh, I'll be outside and talk to him, then!"
As Hil scrambled toward the front door, Church called after him, "And Hil? Thank you… for everything."
Hil paused at the front door with a hand on the knob. "Thank you, too, Church," Hil whispered. "I learned so much from you. I'm glad we could work this out."
"Me too, Hil."
Partially inspired by the songs "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum, "The Story of Us" by Taylor Swift, and "Ashley" by Halsey. I've probably referenced these before in the main stories, but hey, I figured I left a bit of Hil and Church's story unexplained and got this idea for a oneshot. (shrug)
