Chapter 14: Emotional Pain

Jean hung in midair upside down, thinking.

It's ironic…I've been to the ends of the universe and back…raced comets around the moon, circled the globe at the speed of thought…but I still can't manage to get any quality sleep the night before a long flight. If Scott knew I was suffering from a case of pre-trip insomnia, he'd pop open his stitches laughing. I'd probably laugh too…only this takes a lot of concentration. Telekinetic meditation…and a little housecleaning…of a psychometric sort. Throughout the school there are pools of psychic detritus…like the lingering stench of tar and nicotine in the couch after a smoker's been over. Bastion, for example, and his Zero Tolerance hounds exchanged all of our worldly possessions for a healthy dose of psionic tarnish. His hatred remains even though he's long gone. Some imagination, and a lot of telepathic know-how, and I can pretty much obliterate his stain from the grounds. Feels good…but that was the easy one. As deadly as Bastion was, he hasn't left half as deep a psychic scar on our little family as Remy has. Friend. X-Man. Judas. The sense of betrayal left in the wake of Gambit's trial has poisoned everyone's thoughts…especially Rogue's. I'm worried about the way she's avoiding her feelings…if only she would let someone in. unfortunately, X-women tend to have a stubborn streak…or so I hear. Bishop. Gambit, Professor X, gone…there's so much pain trapped within these walls, these hearts. As if everything the Xavier Institute stands for…the reason we're all here…has gone out of whack…maybe we shouldn't leave…and just then Scott turned over in his sleep, pulled a stitch under the bandaging, and cried out involuntarily. Jean, startled out of her telekinetic meditation, fell to the floor with an ungraceful, completely un-Phoenix-like whump. Blinking in startlement and rubbing her eyes, she climbed to her feet, already turning toward the figure in the bed as she did. "That was graceful," she muttered to herself. Then, louder, she said, "Honey? Are you all right? I felt your pain through our psychic rapport, and—" she broke off as Scott turned over on his back and let out a hearty snore. And bruised my behind while you rolled over like nothing happened…thanks. She walked over to the bed, grabbed the blanket Logan had gotten for Scott from the plane, and pulled that up over Scott's sleeping form. The man can nap through anything. The sleep of a child. A confident sleep, like everything's going to be okay, and he knows it. Lucky him. Meanwhile, I'm wide awake, stuck on the same question that's been gnawing on me since dawn…are the X-Men going to hold it all together? Can we survive?

She paused for a moment, looking down at Scott sleeping, then leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. Sleep well, honey. Rest. Recover. I'm going to see about another of our number, one who's been hurt as badly as you have, just in a different way…

As she closed the door and strolled down the hallway she was forcibly reminded again of just how large the mansion was. With the furnishings gone and the walls bare, she was truly starting to take in just how big the place was!

In the few days since they'd been home, they'd managed to acquire a few things; emergencies and necessities, mostly. Food, for one; phone service was another. She'd called Emma at the Massachusetts Academy, managed to keep the anger and sarcasm out of her voice as she explained that Jubilee was currently at the mansion, it was in less-than livable state, and asked how Emma wanted Jubilee brought back. Emma had responded with almost-human concern, had told Jean that she would send a Frost Enterprises car to the mansion that afternoon to pick Jubilee up and take her to the airfield, where a small charter plane would take her the rest of the way to Massachusetts. Emma had also placed one of her expense accounts at the X-Men's disposal, which cleared the way for them to get more things they needed. Beds were the next item on the list; one for Jean and Scott, one for each of the mansion's current residents, and one for Jubilee, who had been drifting in and out of an exhausted sleep on the plane's seats for the last few days. Logan had been waking her periodically to give her food and water and to try to talk, but after her 'admission' that the whole mess was her fault, she'd been suppressing her feelings about her entire ordeal with an iron will. And that worried Logan as much as Rogue's suppression of her feelings about Remy was worrying Jean.

"Can ya talk ta her, Jean?" he'd asked her just the other day when she'd run into him coming back into the mansion from checking on Jubilee on the plane. "This ain't healthy fer her. I tried gettin' her taopen upan' she ain't. She's never felt like she couldn't tell me anythin' 'fore now. She's exhausted, she's starved and battered—an' I don't gotta tell ya how that disturbs me, Jean. I've never seen her in this bad a condition before. All she's doing is sleeping…and I've had to wake her a few times when her nightmares got too bad. I can't stand seein' Jubes in this much pain, Jean. It'll help if she talks about it, but she don't wannadiscuss it withme. I understand you got Scott on yer mind, an' all these new kids ain't helpin' much—"

"Sure, I'll talk to her, Logan," Jean had reassured him. "I'm worried about her too. When Ororo and I first greeted her after you brought her out of the desert, her physical condition worried both of us. Ororo's kind of wrapped up in her current problems with Marrow, but Jubilee might be more willing to talk to me anyway."

They had gotten a bed for her even though they knew she would be leaving soon. Logan had insisted that she couldn't sleep on the plane till she left; and also, after Jubilee left, someone would surely be coming to take that bed. She was sleeping in a room down the hall right now, in a room that Jean had psychically shielded because her nightmares disturbed the other residents. Out in the plane she'd been far enough away that her nightmares hadn't bothered anyone (Jean had felt a distant psychic disturbance several times, but she hadn't had time to check up on her.)

She stopped in front of Jubilee's door and tapped on it lightly. Getting no answer, she tapped once more, a little more firmly, and then walked in.

The amount of psychic pain in the room was incredible. Jubilee lay on the new bed, tangled in the sheets, her body rigid, every muscle taut and straining. Her face was creased in an expression of anguish, and her teeth were clenched so tight Jean was sure Jubilee would break them. As the redhead watched, Jubilee's head fell back on her neck, so far Jean thought she might snap her spine, and a panting hiss of agony escaped those gritted teeth. "No more," Jubilee pleaded, her whisper barely audible in the dark room. "Please, no more. I can't take any more, stop it…"

Jean dropped her psychic shield. Not much, because she could sense the turmoil going on in the room just beyond them, but enough so she could get an idea what Jubilee was reliving that would cause her this much pain. Images filtered into her mind; Jubilee, strapped to what looked like a prison's electric chair, screaming as current ripped through her body and made her spasm. Jean yanked her shields down quickly, tears filling her eyes. She hadn't wanted to see that, hadn't expected to see that, and now that she had, she knew the kind of pain she'd have to deal with. She approached the bed, pulled the sheet away from the tormented, sweating figure, and leaned over Jubilee, whispering gently, "Jubilee? Jubilee, wake up. You're safe. You're home, nothing's going to hurt you now. Wake up, sweetheart."

"No," Jubilee curled up in a tight ball, crying hard now. "No, please, for God's sake, please, stop hurting me…I can't tell you, please…no more electricity…"

"Jubilee, sweetie, please. Wake up. You're all right, you're safe…" Jean touched Jubilee's shoulder gently.

Jubilee screamed out in pain, twisting away from Jean. "Ow, no, please! Please, I'm begging you, please, stop! Don't hurt me anymore, please don't hurt me anymore…"

Jean bit her lip. If every touch got sucked into Jubilee's dreamscape, how could she…she dropped her shields tentatively, wincing as Jubilee's raw emotional pain slammed into her. Jean had to force herself to block out the images of Jubilee in pain, starved, beaten, being brutally violated, and touched the tiny spark of consciousness in the middle of all that turmoil. Jubilee! Jubilee, sweetheart, wake up! You're safe. We're here, at the mansion, nothing's going to hurt you!

Help me, Jean! Jubilee's mindvoice was frantic. Jean, please! Help me! I want to go home!

Jean extended a psychic 'hand' to Jubilee. Jubilee, here. I'm right here. Take my hand. I'll help you.

Jubilee's tear-streaked face rose to Jean's, and Jean saw the misery, pain, and anguish in her psychic eyes. She reached a hand up toward Jean, then snatched her hand back. No! No, you're just another illusion Bastion created, you're not real, you're trying to trick me, go away!

Jean couldn't stand hearing Jubilee cry like that in denial and pain. She grabbed Jubilee in a tight psychic hug. Jubilee, I'm here! It's me, it's Jean! I'm here, you're home, you're safe! She quickly swam up through the layers of Jubilee's mind, still hanging onto Jubilee's psychic form…

…and they both came back to full consciousness at the same time,. Jubilee's thrashing body held tightly in Jean's arms. The blanket was wound around both of them. Jean felt Jubilee's body, muscles straining, rigid under the thin sheet…and then her eyes fluttered open, and she looked up at Jean. "Jean?" the name was dragged up from the depths of Jubilee's consciousness. "Are we…really…home?"

Jean stroked the sweat-soaked hair back from Jubilee's forehead. "Yes, Jubilee, you're safe. We're all home, we're all okay."

"No," Jubilee moaned, and for a moment Jean worried that Jubilee was drifting into the nightmarish memories again, but the girl's small body slumped in her arms, limply, and silent tears flowed down her cheeks. "No, we're not all okay. Scott got hurt, hurt because of me. Because I was weak, and I hate myself so much for failing!"

Jean blinked. What was… "Jubilee," she said gently, refusing to allow the young girl to fling herself out of the bed and away from her, "Scott got hurt because a Sentinel shot him with nanotechnology that planted a biogenetic bomb in his chest. It's not your fault. It couldn't possibly be."

"You don't understand!" Jubilee drew away from Jean, hugged her knees to her chest, and spoke slowly, miserably. "It was my fault because I told Bastion where the mansion was. Me. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't brave enough, or on my guard enough. And when Scott finds out, he's gonna hate me, and he's gonna kick me out of the X-Men. And I don't know where I'll go. Because of my big fat mouth, I hurt my family…I betrayed you guys, and now you're gonna hate me!" And she burst into tears.

Jean took Jubilee's shoulders, and telekinetically lifted the girl's chin until her watery blue eyes met Jean's green ones. "Jubilee," Jean said, projecting an aura of calm and assurance, "How long were you at the Hulkbuster base?"

"I dunno," Jubilee shrugged miserably. "A long time. They didn't let me see any clocks or stuff, so I couldn't keep track of time."

Jean's voice was soft. "And Bastion asked you where the mansion was. And you refused to tell him, and he hurt you."

Tears overflowed Jubilee's eyes again. "He hit me," she said softly. "And when I still wouldn't tell him, he…let the guards do stuff…and then he tried to drug me into telling. Then he let the guards do stuff to me while I was drugged. I must have said something while I was drugged, but I don't remember what I said. But suddenly he stopped asking me, stopped everything…and I was so afraid I'd said something…and then he dragged me into the control room, and he showed me these holograms of you and Sam and Scott and 'Ro and Wolvie, and Wolvie looked really bad, and then I knew it was real because he was hanging onto you…they said he'd taken the impact of a plane crash, shielded you…and then they took him to the incinerators, and I thought I'd never see him again…" She sniffed. "Then you came bustin' up outta the lower levels, and Bastion sent all those Sentinels at you and closed the doors…I broke free, just for a minute, and I managed to hit the button that opened that door for you guys. Bastion was furious. He beat me, and then he said he was going to break me, and told the guards to take me back to my cell and leave me there without food and water and light…" She took a shuddering breath. "Bastion's assistant Daria helped me get out. She sacrificed herself so I could escape. I tried to find you guys…and a Sentinel caught me…and then Wolvie came roarin' up outta nowhere, and he ripped that Sentinel apart and saved me…I'd never been so glad to see anyone in my life. And then we got back, and I thought everything was gonna be okay…and Scott got that bomb thingie in his chest, and everyone was all worried…and I was terrified, because if he died it would be my fault…my fault for telling Bastion where you were to begin with."

She started to cry again, but Jean shook her, gently but firmly. "Jubilee. Bastion didn't capture us from here. We were on a plane coming back from Hong Kong, where the Kingpin had Sam. He had something called the Elixir Of Life we thought might be a cure for the Legacy Virus, and we went to get that. Ororo ended up destroying it so it wouldn't become something everyone went to war over, because that's what it was shaping up to be. And we were on our way back when we were stoppedover Coloradoand taken into custody by Operation: Zero Tolerance. Jubilee, we had the mansion entered into the plane's navigation computer as our destination. Bastion could just as easily have gotten the location from the computer; we weren't exactly discreet. Do you remember telling Bastion where the mansion was?"

Jubilee, wide-eyed, shook her head.

"Then he could easily have gotten it from another source other than you. And even if he did get it from you, Jubilee, there's no way we'd blame you. You were under a lot of stress; what you went through…" Jean swallowed hard as a memory popped into Jubilee's mind; Jubilee herself, strapped spreadeagle to a cold steel table, and there was a man straddling the table, doing...Jubilee must have realized she was unintentionally projecting, because she clamped shields down around her mind. "…What you went through was more than any child your age should have to deal with. You couldn't have been expected to hold out even as long as you did; I'm not sure even I could have. You were very brave, Jubilee, and I'm proud of you. So is Logan. No one here blames you for anything, Jubilee. Please don't blame yourself." As if those memories of what they had done to her weren't torture enough…

Jubilee collapsed against Jean, sobbing in relief. "I was so worried you'd blame me for what happened! Logan said you wouldn't but I didn't know for sure and I was so scared and tired and they did such horrible…things…to me…I can't even bear Logan for long periods of time, Jean, and it's worse when it's anyone else! Bobby came to try and say hello, and I could barely say two words to him. And Hank came, and he wanted to examine me, and I couldn't even speak to tell him no! Logan finally brought that doctor, Cecelia, and she checked me over and told me to rest and get plenty to eat, and I'd soon be fine." Jubilee's voice dropped. "I didn't tell her about…about the guards. I don't want anybody touching me."

Jean sighed and held Jubilee close again. "No one will touch you if you don't want them to," she said soothingly. "Not here. Definitely not here. But Jubilee, I do think it would be a good idea for you to get checked over by one of the doctors before you go back to the Academy—"

"I'm going back?" Jubilee frowned. Jean felt a surge of nervousness from her.

Jean nodded as gently as she could. "Emma said she would send a car from Frost Enterprises to come and pick you up this afternoon. You'll be taken to an airfield where a charter plane will take you to the academy."

"But…I want to stay here with you…and Logan…" Jubilee bit her lip.

Jean sighed. "Jubilee, we'd like to have you stay, but…Scott and I are leaving for Alaska for a…vacation, if you want to call it that…and Logan and Ororo are going to have their hands full with all the new people around here. Added to that, the mansion is hardly in a livable condition, and we all really think that maybe it would be better for you to go back to the Academy."

They don't want me. They really are mad at me and they just don't want to tell me. Jubilee didn't let her thoughts show on her face as she said quietly, "All right. If you think it's best."

Jean nodded and smiled. "I do think its best," she said. "I really do. Jubilee…do you want me to send Cecelia back here to check you over thoroughly?"

"Do I have to?" Jubilee asked plaintively. "I'm not…they gave me an implant, Jean...they said they didn't want any more of our kind around, and they made sure…" She showed Jean the well-defined bumps of implants under the skin of her thigh.

Jean flinched. She knew that somewhere out there were girls younger than Jubilee getting contraceptive implants, but there were complications from a young girl getting the implants, and she didn't want to see Jubilee suffering from those complications. "Cecelia can remove them for you, and replace them with pills if you're not sure it's been long enough."

"Will it hurt?" Jubilee looked fearful at the thought.

"No. You'll be fine."

Jubilee looked about to argue…then she gave a small sigh of defeat and shrugged. "Whatever you think best." She just didn't want to argue anymore. She didn't want to give them more reason to hate her; they were already mad at her for betraying them.

Jean gave her a gentle pat on her shoulder. "I'll send Cecelia in here. Just relax, Jubilee. She's a doctor. She won't hurt you." Jubilee sank back down in her bed, pulling the sheet over her, as Jean left the room. Sure she won't hurt me. She doesn't like us, doesn't want to be here. At least she doesn't wear a white coat like the doctors at Bastion's labs. She suppressed a shudder, and bravely called 'come in' when she heard a knock on her door. Cecelia came in. "How are you feeling?' she asked briskly but kindly, pulling on a pair of exam gloves.

Jubilee stayed still for the examination, squeezing her eyes shut and giving the doctor answers to the questions she asked in a flat monotone. She tried desperately to think of something else; anything else but the feel of a gloved hand sliding up her bare thigh, entering her where she had been hurt so cruelly… Logan's face swam into her mind; just thinking his name gave her a feeling of warmth, of a solid strength she could draw on. She kept his face in her mind, whispering his name over and over in her mind, like a mantra, until the exam was over. She barely felt the prick of a needle as the implants were withdrawn from under her skin, much less painfully than they had gone in, and took the pills Cecelia gave her, one each morning, for a month. "Just to be sure." Jubilee nodded her thanks, and Cecelia left.

Jean was waiting outside the door for Cecelia. "How is she?" she asked the doctor.

Cecelia sighed. "She's been badly traumatized, not only physically but also emotionally. But she seems strong, and I think she'll recover fully. With time, and rest. And understanding." She strode off down the hall. Jean looked back at Jubilee's door, sent a psychic tendril into the room to check if Jubilee were sleeping, ascertained she was, and headed off to find Logan.

End Notes:

The beginning of this chapter, with Jean hanging upside down (in midair!) is from X-Men #71. Everything else, from where Jean tucked Scott in to the end, is all my creation. Many thanks to all you readers who have made it this far; hang on, there's a way to go. It ain't over yet!

Stay tuned for the next chapter!