ENTRY #078


T̵̰͐i̶̧͠m̷̭̹͋e̷̮͒ ̷̻̓̎ư̶͕͐n̶͙̒͂k̷̖̲̃̒n̶̡͆͜o̶̰̺͌̇w̸̞͈̆̎n̵̟͒.̴̛͓͝

?̶͉̓̆?̵̧̀?̷̛͚

.̵̗̙͌.̸̨̈́̈́.̵̧͑


In all my time thinking of a way out of this hole I've found myself in, I've started to come to the bleak realization that I may simply never get out of situations like these. I've always been underneath someone else's vicious hold, and I've tried telling myself it's not forever, that it won't last, but when it keeps going like that, and keeps going like that, and keeps going like that… How much hope can one have? How long am I expected to hold out for? I know so many would be so ashamed of me if I started giving energy towards the darker thoughts I have lately, but… it's not like they're here, anyway…

I haven't lost my fight yet, though. I still have a little desire to stave away those thoughts, clutching to what remains of 'me.' After all, that's what writing these entries helps me with, isn't it? Even if, in the end, I'm just talking to myself…

I stumbled across something rather interesting recently that has given me something else to focus on, however—some hope. Although my captors are far from the kind of people you have meaningful or even idle conversations with, I discovered that Dr. Colress keeps a library of all sorts of text, in a room aboard this ship, and he was shockingly kind enough to allow me free reign of it. Something about all of the texts being backed up digitally, so he didn't care what happened to the physical copies. It's mostly stolen texts, from different regions around the world. They cover everything nonfictional you could ever want. What drew my attention, however, was a book about Holon.

A World Independent of Pokémon. That was the book's title. It sounded performative and silly, but upon reading this deceptively thin book and expecting something akin to a conspiracy theory, I was shocked at just how literal the title was. The book raved of how Holon's people—referred to as Holoni—were suspicious and distrusting of pokémon. On first glance, one might have assumed these people were unreasonably vindictive and hateful toward pokémon, but the book stressed this was not the case. Their region is one of the most unforgiving in the world, a bitterly cold tundra, home to massive, predatory pokémon who were in a constant fight for survival. A starving Beartic did not discriminate between a Holoni citizen or a stray Eiscue—both were food in their eyes. The book, written by some historian I figure (even though I don't recognize their name), speculated that Holoni do not have the same cushy narrative about pokémon the rest of the world does and then the rest of the book featured their evidence for such a theory. "How can they, when almost every interaction with them is a desperate fight for survival, far from the idea of trying to befriend one?" That line stuck out to me. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, the text further suggested that Holon's secretive nature as a country is fueled by this relationship with pokémon. Almost every other region in the world has a loving, codependent relationship with the creatures, something that would be shocking or even offending to a Holoni. A handful of regions are even predominately ruled by pokémon, with people only having small settlements or the occasional visit. Some regions respect pokémon so deeply that entire swathes of hinterland are protected against human settlement—think of Galar's Wild Areas, where people are only allowed in sparingly, mostly in camping gear.

"To a Holoni, the rest of the world is a sick joke," the text hyperbolically stated in one section. "To them, pokémon are thieving, killing, unpredictable threats—and the rest of the world intentionally lives alongside and with them. In turn, then, they see those people from other regions as the same. If they are willing to let murderous beasts into their homes and hearts, then surely, those people must be thieves and killers as well?"

It was something I had never even considered. An entire culture of people so confused and disconcerted by the idea of living on similar footing with pokémon that they had shut their doors to the rest. From what I've seen, the media portrays Holon, and its limited knowledge of it, as a land of antagonistic spies—that was, as the book explained, because everything the rest of the world knows about Holon is from the occasional captured spy. As much as Holon was offended or unsure of the rest of the world, they still would send the occasional heavily-equipped, heavily-armed person to infiltrate a region and take up information on it, and many believed they were instructed to catch some foreign pokémon as well (more on why they would do that later, when they hate pokémon so much…).

First, I just… want to talk about these spies. The book made no excuses for what typically happened to them when captured. In retaliation for Holon's secrecy and unwillingness to interact (which most other regions perceived as hostile already) with other countries, the rest of the world was more than unkind to these spies. Almost everything the rest of the world knows about Holon comes from the mouths of these spies, spirits broken to the point that they desperately gave everything they knew about their homeland for hopes they would be let go… The most heinous part to me was how these people were not let go, not in any of the instances of it happening. One depressing tale involved a Holoni woman that had infiltrated Galar, seemingly trying to take notes on how its gym challenge functioned and how their government worked in greater detail. Galar, being one of the most technologically and infrastructurally advanced regions in the world, swiftly sniffed out the espionage and put her through hell, for lack of a better word. She was tormented for days in ways I'd rather forget reading about until she gave them the most detailed and useful description of Holon yet, her testimony widely used to educate others about Holon around the world—admittedly, even for this very book.

In the end, she was horribly mistreated by her captors—again, in ways I'd much rather forget than repeat here…—and died of dehydration, of her own accord. She had refused to drink and by the time her captors realized, she was too sick to even do so anymore on her own. Attempts to save her life though medical intervention were unsuccessful due to the woman making it too difficult to be treated. Apparently, despite how weak she was, she would always find the energy to jerk her arm away at the lest second just before receiving an IV and had even spat in the doctor's face. Ultimately, she succumbed before they could do anything about her behavior…

To be honest, though… I'm not sure if her death, however slow and miserable it might have been, was a bad thing. It sounded to me like she would have just been tortured more and more as long as she lived, all in the false claim of it being 'necessary' to know more about a 'hostile' Holon. Subconsciously, I think she knew that, too. That was why she took herself out of the equation, despite how horrific an experience it must have been… That was a terrible thought. I can't help but feel a little sympathy for her. I'm caught, too, and while I can at least say I haven't been tortured like that… It's still not nice, where I am. Dr. Colress jokes that the Frigate at least "isn't as cold as it used to be" but it still feels cold and lonely here. If I say anything that upsets him, I have no idea what his reaction may be. He might punch me, he might simply tell me off, he may silently refuse to acknowledge my existence for a few days. Rosa doles out her anger and spite much more liberally, but hers is all verbal, she plays mind games. Sometimes, she ruthlessly mocks me simply because she feels like it; she's told me as much.

Deep down, I can't help but wonder if I am destined for the same fate as that Holoni woman. To be tortured, held here and my knowledge used against my will, until I simply give up. To my surprise, this thought gives me a strong, strong wave of dismay… That's the only way I can think to describe it. Secretly, I recognize I don't want to give up. I have spent my entire life always trying to help someone else… From those kids to that sad, lonely woman, to Dr. Colress and his severe emotional ineptitude, to Rosa and her debilitating refusal to recognize her own flaws and arrogance, I have always wanted to help others, no matter how nasty they were, no matter what the result was for me. And in return, I have to simply give in, allow myself to be swallowed up by everyone else I have ever tried to help?

How unfair…

Anyway, back to Holon, I have to explain more about what I have read. I kept reading after that, of course. The book explained that based off the testimony of fourteen spies that had been captured across the regions of Galar, Sinnoh, Unova, Kalos, and Johto, Holon experimented with technology constantly to keep the edge over their pokémon adversaries. It was by examining Holoni technology that allowed the creation of the Master Ball, as although the Master Ball is exceedingly tedious, dangerous, and expensive to make due to the materials needed for it, in desperate situations, Holoni used it to fend off fearsome pokémon they couldn't defend against. It was Holoni technology that allowed Kanto to begin experimenting with fabricated pokémon, such as Porygon. Indeed, the book pointed out that the media misconception of Holoni spies using silly gadgets with incomprehensible names was grossly uneducated; Holoni technology far supersedes that of other regions. And based off the testimony of that poor woman that had been tortured by Galar, it seemed experimenting with forcefully controlling pokémon, or fabricating pokémon, was the direction they had started going to deal with their threatening pokémon brethren.

The spy, her words only comprehensible to her tormenters because they had Alakazam there helping translate for them, told them that Holon was experimenting with 'Delta Pokémon'—and that was why some Holoni spies had captured pokémon from foreign lands. They were for experimentation, since Holon is home to primarily Ice-types. Mortifying me, though, was that there was a conversation copied into the text, apparently derived from one of the many sessions held against this poor woman… I'm still not sure if I like this context, this feeling of knowing exactly how she felt. She and I are from different stars, and yet I understand her perfectly… I suppose I can start using her name. Nelleke. I'll rewrite the conversation here so I may remember it in the future…

Preliminary Discussions Regarding Δ Delta Species

Nelleke: The Delta Pokémon are designed to keep us safe… not all of us live in the city.

Interviewer: 'The' city?

Nelleke: …Yes. The city.

Interviewer: So, you mean there's only one.

Nelleke: Holon is not big.

Interviewer: Watch your tone. So, what are the other places, then? Towns, villages, do you live in igloos or something? I need details. And these Delta Pokémon – are they designed to protect those smaller settlements, then, or the city? What is this city's name?

Nelleke: You ask a lot of questions. I can't keep up, it's hard to remember them all… my head hurts. […] The city is just called the city as far as you are concerned… I suppose the rest are what you call villages. Not much technology, not much built there. Everything mostly goes to protect the big city. Most people have moved there, but not everyone is allowed. There's not enough space and the city itself needs a buffer against everything else out there. They need us out on the ice to help defend the city.

Interviewer: So, the Delta Pokémon give the villages tools to defend the city. And just what is the purpose of this city, according to yourself?

Nelleke: [Long pause.] Yes. They are our tools to use against the monsters on the ice. Delta Pokémon work for us against real pokémon that want to harm us and our city. Other than that, I am telling you nothing more of the city.

Interviewer: Is that right?

Nelleke: You have already hurt me. Hurt me again if you must, but I am telling you nothing more of the city… […] But please understand, I will never tell you more of this city… If you hurt me for this, you are simply doing it because you enjoy it… Can I at least hope that you don't… want to hurt me?

Interviewer: You've said similar before and given us more information with a little bit of 'convincing.' So, I don't believe you.

Nelleke: I know. For that, I'm sorry for my own back in Holon. I was not strong enough in those moments and said things I should not have…

Another thing of note from my reading is that, while the rest of the world has religions focused on pokémon and their intricate relations with people, Holoni religions and beliefs are incredibly centralized around humanity itself, relationships between people. One far more hostile discussion with Nelleke, from before she had been brutally beaten into submission, saw her verbally rejecting Arceus and Mew, spitting profanities about them at her captors. Another discussion with a male captive spy in Sinnoh revealed far more detail about what exactly the Holoni believe in, however. Although the story of what happened to him was less clear, the book claimed that he spoke of humanoid gods and deities, various ones for different subjects, and wild tales of feats made by these divine humans.

The worst part is, I realized as I was reading, that I had heard most of these stories before! For example, Sisyphus, a man who violated hospitality and earned himself the wrath of a god of lightning, and despite a series of his deceitful attempts to escape destiny, was eventually bound to the futile effort of repeatedly rolling a boulder up a hill, only for it to tumble back down every time without fail. Or what about Aether, who I've seen many artists depict as a godlike man that straddles the line between the sky and the stars, the embodiment of atmosphere, and where the Aether Foundation (and likely the Aether family itself) received its name? How about Icarus, who drew Apollo's chariot, which was said to have carried the sun, long before he was deemed worthy or ready of such a feat, warning people of the risks of pride and disrespect? These names are all familiar to me, they are widely used in fantasy, and even in Galarish (Sisyphean is a phrase used to describe an endlessly futile effort, after all). Yet, I—and I'm sure many others—have no idea these all originate from Holoni culture. I'm doubtful they all came from that interview, mind, I'm sure some Holoni, however few, have ventured from their icy home and ended up in other regions, sheepishly spreading shreds of themselves. After all, it was Kantonians who settled Alola, and the two couldn't be more different, despite how far away Alola is and how long ago that was. It seemed the historians that had studied Holon for this book believed many Holoni leaked to other regions in the past. They believed that most of their emigration likely happened some two or three hundred years ago, long before their secretive nature and their technology had become a conflict between them and other regions.

Anyway, the book seemed to imply that the Holoni do not reject the existence of Arceus or Mew, or any other deified pokémon—however, they do not respect them as such an authority. They simply believe they are nothing more than the same beastly pokémon they encounter on a daily basis, only more frightening, only more devastating, only more capable of pain and death. That kind of extreme fear… well, it's no wonder they deify humans themselves. Part of me wonders if doing so helped them feel more powerful and capable, despite the seemingly miserable lives they led.

Most damning of all, however, is that despite how much the Holoni hate pokémon, how much of their culture seems to recursively surround them, to the point they even use altered, apparently 'manmade' Delta Species pokémon. The book actually didn't have much information regarding those; apparently, no matter how much Nelleke was tortured, she refused to give more information on 'the city' or what exactly Delta Species are or what makes them different from existent pokémon. I'll admit, it fascinates me because it reminds me of my own captors. Dr. Colress is obsessed with bringing out the "true potential" in pokémon, yet he rarely interacts with his own pokémon unless it's to experiment on them, instead dedicating much of his time to research concerning humans and their relationships to pokémon and one another. Rosa could be a Holoni if she wanted to, with how much she hates most pokémon, and practically deifies Dr. Colress. I don't know what it is that makes her that way, but she rejects them altogether, only finding companionship in her Genesect that Dr. Colress apparently gave to her some years ago.

Yet, above all… Despite the hostility that I know exists between Holon and the rest of the world, both from this book and the xenophobia exhibited toward them in every media I've ever seen depicting them, I can't help but feel a little inspired. That's morbid, isn't it? That I'm inspired by these stories of tormented spies, caught outside of a country so fearful of pokémon their entire culture is centered around it. But… I have to keep in mind, that even Nelleke—hmm, well, actually… Maybe I should keep in mind everything she endured, but not because knowing those morbid details is fun to think about, but because despite everything she endured, Nelleke refused to give in to her captors, and in the end, went out on her own terms. Even when they wished to try and nurse her back to health to continue forcibly extracting information about Holon from her, she fought back in her own way, taking the secrets that they wanted with her. She hadn't given in quickly, either—she had at first vehemently assailed them with defensive, flaming statements, later attempted to appeal to their humanity and diplomatically discuss with them when it became clear to her they did not intend to give up, before coming to the conclusion simply burying her secrets with herself was her only solution.

Truthfully, I admire her. She was so strong in the face of such horrible treatment, the likes of which probably only reinforced her belief that people of other regions like Galar are no better than the wild pokémon she faced back in her home country. She was willing to endure the torture to try and get back home, and ultimately, only let herself go to save others. The book seems to imply that the Galarians were hounding her for information about Holon's central city, and no matter how mistreated, Nelleke simply wasn't having it.

If she could do that, then I can endure whatever Dr. Colress and Rosa have in store for me… Neither of them quite seems the physically torturous type, anyway. Dr. Colress might punch or push, but bruises heal. Rosa's specialty is manipulation and batting her eyelashes to get her way—and with the information I have, Dr. Colress will not allow her to injure me, anyway. They want something only I know, something I learned from the Aether Foundation, and it's something they will never get from me if it is the last thing I do. I may have let those kids down by allowing Lusamine's mental health spiral so wildly out of control, but I will not make the same mistake again.

I have always prided myself on being everyone else's sympathetic shoulder to cry on, but perhaps that behavior is enabling… I want to be a cure, not a medicine for a symptom. Maybe being a cure is more demanding than I have given it credit… After all, to treat cancer, one must be blasted with radiation that eats away even at healthy tissues. If I want to get out of this without giving Dr. Colress what he seeks, and if I want to get out of this alive, then I must be stronger, I must be a tougher cure. As it would turn out, caring for others, like those I am protecting by not giving Dr. Colress what he wants, is a difficult thing to do… Caring for others IS work. But it is a work I have always loved, and it is a work I will continue to do, even if I do it a little differently now.

I will need to keep writing these entries, to keep reminding myself of how I got to this point, and why I'm doing this.

THE ONE WHO KNOWS – ENTRY #78