Trigger Warning: attempted suicide
Gon had scheduled his Floor Master Battle for an entire week away. After that battle with Killua… he wouldn't be able to bring himself to fight for a while. He'd chosen to have a random Spider selected for him to fight, it would be better that way.
The week dragged on, and Gon spent his every waking minute trying (and failing) not to think about Killua.
Kurapika spent his week searching for Killua.
Though he found neither hide nor tail of the Valkyrie Prince. It was as if Killua had left this world… though Kurapika refused to allow himself to accept that possibility.
Killua, on the other hand, was - in fact - still living. Albeit, thanks to a certain purple skinned menace.
…
"Woah there!"
Killua jerked out of his trance, dropping the handgun with a boisterous clang.
"This is pretty awkward, I have to admit."
The Valkyrie whipped around, ready to slaughter whoever had stumbled upon him in this state. It was shameful.
It had only been three days since Gon had beaten him in battle… Killua had been demoted to the 375th floor. But he wasn't patient enough to wait two entire weeks for his scheduled battle to arrive, so he'd killed a man and stolen his slot. From there he'd been fighting nonstop.
Killua had lost his edge… every time he landed a blow, all he could see was either Dayaamay's dead face or Gon's mutilated one. He cut through his opponents without rhyme or reason, the battles so messy and unrefined that he barely managed to move up the tower. It was slow going, and he was only on the 387th by now. He couldn't keep going on like this.
He was battling constantly now… killing other Arena fighters to avoid the wait times on the higher floors. Fighting to the top, and winning the reading from Neon, was literally the only thing keeping Killua going.
Once that was gone… he had no idea what he would do.
He'd been considering that… what he'd do once this was all over.
And he'd just… lost it.
Why should he even bother?
If there was nothing waiting for him at the end of this Arena… then why should he bother with living on? It would be so much easier to just end it all…
He'd lost Gon for good.
There was no point in living on now.
If Killua could kill Gon so easily… then he should kill himself easily.
Gon had lived, but that didn't mean Killua would.
So he'd purchased a handgun, and hidden himself away in a stinking and rotten alleyway in the heart of the city's underbelly. He'd had his finger pressed on the trigger, ready to just leave, when some jackass had interrupted him.
"Hey, don't look at me like that, it's almost as if you wanna kill me or something! Aren't you the one you're supposed to be killing in this situation?"
Killua growled and straightened up, pinching the bridge of his nose.
He didn't know fucking now.
And he didn't know fucking why.
But it was the guy from the clothing store.
The Alien-Cryptid hybrid that Killua had almost…
The purple skinned guy darted in, snatching the gun off the ground before Killua could pick it back up and just fucking shoot himself in the head. Of all the people in the world to stop him why the fuck did it have to be the guy he'd half-hooked up with.
"I'm confiscating this," he grinned, dangling the gun from his fingers.
"Why… are you here," Killua growled, drowning in embarrassment.
Not only had this guy just walked in on him trying to blow his brains out, but he'd also licked Killua's dick once.
"Ya know, you cock blocked me! That was pretty fucking rude, if you ask me!"
Killua shielded his eyes with his hand and speed walked out of the alleyway.
Nope.
Time to run away from his problems.
Unfortunately for Killua, being out of his game meant that he was susceptible to being stopped easily. The guy reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling Killua back into the alleyway before he could escape.
"Hey! Don't you walk out on me!" he ordered, pinning Killua against the wall, forearm pressed up against his throat. It was a weak hold, and easily breakable one, but Killua just didn't have the motivation. "We're dick-buddies now!" the hybrid declared. "And dick-buddies stick together!"
"Can't you leave me the fuck alone?" Killua snapped, glaring daggers into those vibrant green eyes. This was SO not what he needed right now. If he wasn't killing himself tonight, then at least he still had another battle in the next hour.
"Nope!" the guy chirped. "What's wrong, bae? What's with the gun? You're too sexy to go out as a virgin, if you ask me."
Killua growled. How the hell had he known that–
"Why the fuck do you even care? Just let me go, man," the Valkyrie snarled… definitely not starting to cry. He just really hadn't expected somebody to stop him…
"You gave me the worst case of blue balls I've ever had in my entire 20 years of living on this gods forsaken planet," he said. Face dead serious. "I haven't been able to suck another dick since! All I can think about is you. You're stuck in my head, dude. I can't just let you end it like this, man. Not you. Not when I can do something. It's a total coincidence that I found you here, believe me! But I feel like it's fate, ya know?"
"Tch," Killua forced out through gritted teeth, eyes hidden beneath those silver bangs.
Oh, he was definitely crying now.
That had been the suckiest don't-kill-yourself speech of all time.
Why was he such an emotional mess lately?
Here he was, crying in a piss-covered alleyway in front of a total stranger.
"So~~~" the guy prompted.
"There's no fucking reason for me to be here!" Killua blurted out all of a sudden, snapping his head back up and meeting that glowing green gaze. "I don't have anything for me here! I've lost everyone and everything important to me, and all I have is that damned Arena. But I'm about to beat it, and I don't know what I'm gonna fucking do afterwards! There's nothing for me here anymore! So I just… was ending it. Since there's no point in me being here anyways."
The hybrid messily tossed the gun into the dumpster behind them. The safety was definitely not on, and that had been real fucking stupid. He took Killua's chin in his now gun-free hand, and forced the Valkyrie to look back at him.
"Hey, there's always a reason to keep on going! Especially for a hottie like you, bae."
"And what would that be?" Killua ground out, face flaming. Every time this jackass called him "bae" he kept thinking about that damn back room.
"Me!"
Killua scoffed, shoving him off by the face. "That's the stupidest reason I've ever heard!"
"No, seriously!" the guy cried out, chasing after Killua as he stomped off down the sidewalk. He needed to hurry and get to the Arena before he missed his match. He'd killed a guy for it, he needed to make it worth his while.
"Your reason to keep on living is so I can keep seeing your pretty face!"
"Shut the hell up, dude. I don't even fucking know you."
"Yes you do! We're dick-buddies!"
"Stop fucking saying that! It's so fucking embarrassing," Killua grumbled, rubbing his eyes.
"Well if it helps, my name is Ryder! Cause I excel at riding the dick."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Fineee, my middle name is Thace, if you wanna call me that instead."
Killua hunched his shoulders. One of the guys from that show he watched with Gon was named Thace… he even had purple skin. Too big of a coincidence for Killua's liking. Maybe he really was meant to befriend this idiot…
"So what's your name?" he asked, walking backwards in front of Killua with his hands in his pockets.
"None of your damn business," Killua grumbled.
"Well we'll remain strangers if you don't tell me! How am I gonna know who I'm jerking off to if you don't introduce yourself?"
Killua snarled, this guy had no filter at all!
"It's Killua."
Why the fuck would I tell him that.
"Ki–llu–a? Woah. That's a pretty cool name! I know you're a Valkyrie, probably Dragonite based on the tail. What's your family name?"
"Zoldyck."
Ryder stopped walking for a second, before he was suddenly right behind Killua and jumping up and down, leaning on Killua's shoulders. "No fucking way! Deadass?!"
"Yup. I'm the crown prince of the Dragonite Clan."
"That's so fucking hot! I almost fucked a prince! If I had, would that make me the royal consort? If I let you jizz in me than I guess technically I would contain royal DNA–"
"Would you stop talking so damn loud? You think I want the entire fucking city to know who I am?" Honestly.
"I'll do anything you tell me, bae~" he murmured suggestively into Killua's ear. The Valkyrie flicked it, slapping him in the face, and Ryder got off.
"Sooo, now that we're acquainted, you officially have a new bdb! Best Dick Buddy! It's even stronger than a bff, and it means we're in it for life! Also comes with free blow jobs. Now you have a reason not to kill yourself! Because it would make me sad."
Killua shook his head, not convinced. "That doesn't matter. Just because I have some jackass drooling over me doesn't mean I have a fucking purpose on this planet."
"I'd rather drool on you than over you, if you know what I'm sayin."
Killua glared at him.
"Okay, sheesh! Quit it with the death staring!" Ryder placed his fingers on his chin. "Well, if you really do need something to do with yourself, then you could come with me!"
Killua stiffened, this was sounding all too familiar…
It was bringing back good memories. Memories Killua wished he could relive a million times over. Memories that were gone on the wind. Never to be continued.
"And where are you going?" Killua murmured, lost in thought.
"Well, my job at the clothing joint totally blows, so I thought now that I've got enough money for a ticket off planet, imma go join one'a them alien armies! Not one of the big ones, but one of the rinky dink ones! One of the chill ones, ya know? I wanna be a space pirate! Steal cargo shitz and hijack space ships! Normally I'd say get all the dicks, but nothing compares to your sweet little moans~"
Killua sighed in exasperation.
There was always a hit on him. Without fail.
"I am half alien," Ryder continued. "But thing is, I've never left the planet. Never had the cash. I've always wanted to surf the stars, visit all the alien worlds. And now I've finally got a chance to do so! If you wanna tag along, that would be really cool. Seriously. I don't want you to throw your life away, man."
Killua gazed over at Ryder, who's hand was placed on his shoulder.
"I guess… that wouldn't be too bad."
"Really?!" Ryder squealed.
"I have nothing better to do."
"Sick! They say anti-gravity cures depression, anyways! This'll be awesome! Here, I'll give you my numberrrrrrr– SHIT! Imma be late for work! I'll catch up with you later! Drop by the store and see me sometime!" He darted off, only to change his mind and run back up to Killua. Ryder grabbed the Valkyrie's face, and kissed him on the cheek.
Before Killua could berate him about it, he was dancing off in the other direction, waving over his head and rushing down the sidewalk. Killua watched him go, brow furrowed. This guy was so fucking weird. He had definitely been more than a little high through all of that. But… he wasn't half bad.
Killua supposed… that he could live with that.
With leaving the planet.
He could join an alien army, and lose himself in violence. Out in space, your species didn't matter. All that mattered was your ability to kill the guy in front of you. That was the only thing Killua was good for, anyways.
It was somewhat nice to have a loose goal… but still. Thinking about leaving the planet… didn't feel real. Thinking about leaving all he'd ever known to run off with some rando he'd tried to fuck the second they'd met felt like a fever dream. He had this possibility out in front of him… but it felt hazy, untouchable.
But at least it was there.
…
A week had passed since Killua had fought with Gon, and after 23 messy battles he had finally made it all the way to the top. Killua hadn't cared which Spider he would be fighting, and honestly he had been feeling too dissociative yesterday to even bother with choosing.
In between battles - when he was in the mood, anyway - he'd go see Ryder… or Ryder would just show up unwelcomed and unannounced. Killua hadn't attempted suicide again, which was really saying something considering how suicidal he'd been feeling. He had Ryder to thank for that, he supposed.
He would be leaving with the guy to meet up with some sketchy band of alien pirates two weeks from now. If Ryder and Killua impressed them, then they would be granted access to their militia. From there, Ryder and Killua would be brought with them to space, and Killua would be able to forget everything about this entire fucking planet and his entire fucking life on it. He would just be able to… move on completely.
But still…
He didn't think he could ever move on from Gon.
Gon haunted his dreams. His every waking thought.
Killua missed him like hell.
He was missing his other half.
And no "dick-buddy" would be able to replace Gon in Killua's heart… no.
The only way to heal this gaping wound… would be to forget it entirely.
Killua didn't know what he'd ask of Neon, that wasn't important.
Honestly, he wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to beat a Phantom Troupe member, let alone impress one, in the state he was in. But that didn't matter. If he lost, then so what? He's still beaten the entire battle royal tower. This was just a novelty.
Killua walked out onto the shimmering floor of the top arena. It was beautiful up here… all made of glass, marble, and sparkling crystals. He could feel the Spiders watching him from above, but Killua didn't care. His head felt like it was full of cotton… fighting was starting to do less and less for him these days.
He was honestly a little worried that joining that alien army wouldn't even work.
If this fight didn't work out… he'd probably ask Ryder what the strongest drug he had on him was. Drugs didn't work on Killua… but if he took enough, then he'd either cross his tolerance level or die in the process. Killua was fine with either outcome, though he supposed he preferred dying of an overdose to just getting high for a little while.
Killua didn't feel like any of this was real. He didn't feel like any of this was actually happening. The only time he'd actually be even mildly awake these days was when he had Ryder to distract him with his antics… or when he was ripping someone to pieces. But that latter was already not working.
Killua couldn't feel anything but this awful depressive cloud.
He could barely convince himself to move his feet.
The edges of his vision were starting to get all blurry.
Was this really happening? Was he really having an episode like this during his Floor Master Battle? Maybe he'd be so out of it that the Spider he was up against would kill him. Killua would take anything at this point. Anything to wake him up inside… though waking up sounded like a whole lot of effort, if he was being entirely honest. He just wanted to… sleep. No, fall into darkness. Never to emerge again.
"Goodness me. Kill, what have you done to yourself?"
The voice sounded wobbly, like it was coming from under water. Killua had been swaying on his feet, but that voice could wake him up anywhere. Anytime.
Illumi.
Killua jerked awake, stumbling to regain his balance.
"Brother?!" he exclaimed. "What the hell are you doing here?! I thought you left after I finished the job!" Killua was too shocked to feel scared or threatened at this point.
"Isn't it obvious?" Illumi asked, standing in the dazzling arena like a pristine and shadowy statue. His wings were folded neatly at his back, and Killua could feel the hostility coming from the Spiders. Finally awake enough to care, Killua glanced up, looking at his spectators.
You could not imagine his shock when he found Uvogin up there.
The Titan saluted him with a bark of a laugh, and Killua frowned.
What the hell?!
It felt like he'd been asleep for months on end, and was just now waking up to find himself in the belly of the beast.
"How 'bout you just kill him, kid!" Uvogin called.
"Uvo!" scolded some blonde mermaid guy.
"What? We all hate him!" he boomed.
Killua recoiled. Illumi… was a Spider?
"You're a member of the Phantom Troupe?" Killua breathed.
"Yes, had you really not noticed?" Illumi responded, cocking his head to one side.
Killua took a stumbling step back. If Illumi was a Spider… then had he been involved in everything this whole time?! Had this entire mess… this entire disaster with the job and splitting up with Gon… had it all been a giant scheme the whole time?! Was this Illumi's end game?! To fight Killua at the top of the Heavan's Arena?!
"Honestly, this wasn't my original plan. But Hisoka does have a flair for the dramatic."
"Hisoka?" Killua choked out. The clown guy from… from the very fucking beginning?! Had this really been all planned out ever since that moment–
"Well, enough chatter. You understand, Kill? This is your Floor Master Battle, afterall. We must fight. It's my job, you see."
Killua choked on air, stepping frantically backwards as Illumi approached him, hypnotic hand extended for Killua's head. Killua was so out of his game, shit! How did Ren work again?! No, Illumi was using his Ren on Killua, but what was he supposed to do now?! No! His brain was short circuiting, it was getting all fuzzy again! This whole time–
This whole time–
Every second in Yorknew City, had it really just been a part of Illumi's plan?!
"Well, are you ready, Kill? To fight me?"
Killua fell onto his rear end, trembling all over.
Illumi's eyes bore into his, and he felt so trapped.
So exposed.
He couldn't fight Illumi!
A million memories of having every bone in his wings broken, one by one, slowly and methodically, flashed across Killua's mind. He was not to resist–
He was not to fight back–
Sure, he'd removed the conditioning not to fight a superior opponent but–
This was Illumi–
Zoldyck's didn't fight their own–
Killua would listen to his brother–
"You can't do it, can you?" Illumi chuckled. "I have to say! Psychological warfare really works a whole lot better on you than I ever could have hoped! Look at you! Still the well trained little boy I remember. You know you can't beat me. I'm your big brother, how could you ever resist?"
Illumi stopped, standing over Killua, grin on his face and Ren tickling painfully against Killua's mind. His tail swished behind him, and Killua's was tucked in surrender between his legs.
"Where did all that fire from before go?"
Killua swallowed hard. Remembering how he'd yelled at Illumi… how he'd chased him down. Determined to protect Gon from his influence… determined to preserve that peace he'd finally found.
But now–
He had absolutely nothing to fight for.
He was trapped. Stuck in Illumi's hold once again. Just like when he was a scrawny little toddler.
"Where's that half-blood for you now, hm? Oh that's right! He cast you aside. Really, Kill. You should have known better. Mixed-bloods have absolutely no sense of loyalty, not like family. Come home, Kill. Everyone's waiting on you. Mother will be so very happy. Kalluto's missed you. Father has your crown readied. Now that you're 19, you are almost of age. We must begin preparation. You shall ascend the throne at 20."
Killua's hands slipped out from under him, slicked up with sweat. Tears stung in his eyes. There was… no point in resisting. Why had he even run off in the first place? There was nothing in this world for him. Nothing at all.
He might as well crawl back to Kukuroo Mountain… where he belonged.
"I… surrender. Brother," Killua murmured, hiding his eyes beneath his bangs.
"Wonderful!" Illumi cheered with a little clap, before slipping a needle from his belt and flinging it into the center of Killua's forehead. Killua gagged when it hit him, Blood Magic enhanced poison pouring directly into his brain, paralyzing him.
He may have been immune to all poisons.
But without his Ren… Killua was completely helpless.
Killua's body fell slack. He couldn't move. All he could manage to do was blink.
Illumi reached down, and roughly slung Killua over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
"It was good to work with you," he called up to the Spiders, talking to an Angel with silky black wings. "But I'm afraid I resign."
"Whatever you wish, Illumi. It was a pleasure," responded the Angel, voice silky smooth. He clearly did not mean what he said.
Killua felt himself zoning out. His vision blurred, and his head was suddenly stuffy and thick. He was vaguely aware of Illumi spreading his wings and busting through a window. Vaguely aware of him meeting up with Hisoka. But after that… it was nothing more than a blur.
Illumi was going to take Killua back to Kukuroo Mountain.
No alien armies for him.
Ryder would just have to go by himself.
Illumi would no doubt reset Killua's brain… there was no way he'd bring Killua back into the palace with his free-will still intact… but Killua couldn't bring himself to care.
What good had free will done him?
What good had he gotten out of having his own say in his life.
Pain. That's what.
All he'd done was step in… and ruin an incredible person's life.
I'm sorry... Gon.
I guess this is goodbye.
It was nice… It was really nice.
I wish I had been stronger for you… I wish I hadn't ruined it all.
Find Ging for me… kay?
Killua closed his eyes, and lost consciousness. Brain shutting down, no longer possessing the motivation to continue.
