Chapter 19: Going Home

Jubilee was mostly quiet as they headed down the road that would take them away from the Academy. Logan looked over at her, slightly concerned. She wasn't usually this quiet. "You okay, Jubes?" he said gently.

She turned her head to look at him, and he saw the dark shadows under her blue eyes. "Yeah. I'm okay, Wolvie," she said softly. "I just…I'm glad to see you, that's all. How'd you get here?"

He returned his eyes to the road. "I never forgot about ya, darlin'," he said quietly. "I never could. Never will. After you left I kept thinkin' 'bout ya, kept hopin' you'd be okay, kept wonderin' if you were gonna be okay. Sean sent me a letter a little while back tellin' me you weren't doin' all right, but I had some things goin' on an' I couldn't leave yet. Then this guy from my past shows up, an assassin, an' he's got a reputation fer goin' after the people I care 'bout. I figured I oughtta check up on ya. An' when I got there…" he blew out his breath. "Emma better count her blessin's that Sean stopped me, or I'd'a killed her for slappin' ya around like that."

Jubilee stared nervously down at her hands. "I don't even remember the dreams when I wake up," she said. "Paige said I talk in my sleep, sometimes. But I don't remember what I said when I wake up." She looked up at Logan, anguish in her eyes, and Logan felt his heart twist in his chest. "When I first got back, Emma checked me mentally. Probed around in my head. I kept my shields up; I didn't want her seeing…some of the worst stuff. I told her only that Bastion kidnapped me and pumped me for information, and that I escaped with you guys and you brought me back. For the first few days I was back, she excused me from classes and let me do a lot of sleeping. Now…it all seems kind of distant. Fuzzy. I can't even clearly remember a lot of it anymore. It comes back in my dreams, but…I don't remember them clearly, either."

As clearly as if Charles were sitting right there, Logan heard the X-Men's founder's measured, even tones. Sometimes when extremely traumatic things happen, the mind cannot cope with them, and so blocks them out until the body and mind is recovered enough to deal with the memories. I believe that has happened to you, Logan…

And now that was happening to Jubilee. Her mind was blocking out the memories of what had happened to her, because she couldn't deal with them. "Probably better for ya, darlin'," he said quietly. "Chuck told me once that some memories are too traumatic to deal with so yer mind'll block 'em out till yer ready t'remember them. Same thing happened t'me; hell, I'm still tryin' t'remember. Don't force it, darlin', y'been through a lot an' ya need time." He looked over at her, just as her stomach let off a loud, very definite growl. And he noticed she was looking drowsy. "Hungry? Tired?"

"A bit," Jubilee scrubbed at her tired, itchy eyes. "And we're gonna haveta find a restroom soon."

He made a decision, and pulled into the parking lot of a motel. "Let's stop here fer a bit, then," he said.

Jubilee sat up. "You don't have to, not for me. If you want to keep going, we can keep—" she began.

Logan sighed. "Ain't just you, darlin, s'me, too. I was drivin' almost all night tryin' ta get up here. I'm tired, hungry, and I could use a break." He grabbed his duffle bag from the back, and led the way to the motel's registration desk, where he paid for a room with two beds, then asked about the closest place to find something to eat.

The room was small, but it had two beds in it, and it was reasonably clean, though Logan could smell strange people under the smells of bleach and disinfectant. Jubilee dropped her duffel bag at the foot of one of the beds and headed straight for the bathroom. Logan busied himself with counting out his change till she came out, and went in himself. When he came out, he said, "Hang here while I go rustle up some grub." She nodded, grabbing the remote to the small TV and switching it on as he left.

He stopped at the nearest fast-food joint he could find and spent several minutes pondering what Jubilee might like. Finally deciding on a burger and fries, he ordered, paid, and headed back to the motel with the food. Jubilee was lying on her bed when he came in, asleep, and for a moment he almost let her sleep. But he could clearly hear her stomach growling, and the food would be cold and unappetizing when she woke up, and maybe she wouldn't eat it. And she needed to eat. "Hey, Jubes," he tapped her shoulder gently. "Food. Come and eat."

They ate in silence, he because he was looking at her and assessing her condition and thinking, she because she was too tired for conversation. As soon as she finished her fries, she plopped back down on the bed and Logan was sure she was asleep before her head even hit the pillow. He finished his own share, then went over to her. Sliding an arm under her knees, he eased the covers out from under her and laid her down on the bed, then covered her with the blanket. She murmured something that might have been 'thanks' and curled up in a fetal position under the covers, and Logan stretched out on the bed next to her, watching her for a long time.

She'd been through too much, too young. She'd grown up too fast in the month she'd been with Bastion. He'd seen her shortly before the whole O:ZT mess started; the girl he was looking at now bore little resemblance to the child he'd seen on that last visit. Then, Jubilee had been carefree, laughing, happy; secure in the knowledge that she was safe and protected and everything was all right. Then she had been kidnapped from the school, right under the noses of the people who were supposed to keep her safe and protect her, and had endured….what? Something that had been so traumatic she had blocked out the memory of it. 'He tried to break her by feeding her illusions of us; when that failed he tried drugging her. Then he mixed the drugs with physical pain and rape.' That was what Jeannie said. What kinda physical pain coulda been done t'her that would be that bad that she blocked it out but didn't hardly leave a mark? What did Bastion do to her?

He could think of any number of things. And the disgusted him and filled him with horror. Why did it have to be her? he thought in soul-deep anguish. Why? Oh, darlin', I'm so damn sorry…I should have been there, I promised you I'd be there for you, always…and I wasn't. Will you ever forgive me? Still agonizing over his own failure, he slipped into an uneasy sleep stretched out on the other bed.

He woke at a soft sound from her bed. Unsure of what had woken him, he stared up at the ceiling for a moment until the sound was repeated. A sob. And the smell of her salty tears brought him to full wakefulness, and he slid out of his bed, going to hers.

She was thrashing on the bed, arms flailing. Even as he watched, they stopped in midair, as if someone had grabbed them, and then they folded tight against her chest, as if wrapped in a straitjacket. Soft whimpering accompanied the movement, and the look on her face made him wince. Unable to bear seeing her in such obvious emotional pain, he reached out to touch her shoulder, to wake her up…and then her mouth opened, and she began to talk.

"No…no, you can't do this to me. Get your hands off me, take this damn straitjacket OFF, get it off, I swear to God, when Wolvie gets here you're gonna be so busted…hey, wait! Where are you taking me? I am so not going anywhere you…ow!" Then a note of panic crept into her voice. "What are you doing with that needle…no you don't…get it away from me, get it away…" Her entire body shuddered backwards, as if trying to avoid something aimed at her…but then she went slack, her body relaxed, and she sighed. There was a short silence, then she whispered, "No. No, that can't be Scott's visor…he could've gotten it anywhere, from any battle scene…Scott's lost them in battle before. Yer a liar, Bastion," she said a little louder. "I know Cyclops. If he's gonna die someday, it ain't gonna be from a loser like you." And then, softer, "I gotta believe that. Gotta keep on believing that. They'll get here. They'll get here and they'll rescue me, Wolvie will rescue me, just like he's always done. No way, Bastion. No way Yer gonna convince me that ya gone and killed everyone while I was sleeping—" she broke off in midsentence. "Wolvie?"

He sat down at the end of her bed, leaned over her. "I'm right here, Jubes. I'm right—" and then he realized her eyes were still closed.

She rambled on. 'No…Bastion…please, not Wolvie. You couldn't have gotten him…" Then, a note of triumph. 'You went too far, pinky! Too flain' far! Any Wolvie I know would die before he begged! Is this what it's all about? Fightin' for humans' right to punish and torture and hate? You can keep yer stinkin' humanity!" her voice had been rising in volume until she was almost shouting it, rising on one elbow until she was almost upright…and then her head snapped over to the side, and her head hit the pillow. Logan gritted his teeth. That violent movement…Bastion must have hit her.

Softer, but no less defiantly, Jubilee spoke again. "Do what you want to me, Bastion! I won't break!" Her head fell back onto the pillow. "what I wouldn't give for the ol' canucklehead t'come slashin' through, bragging, "I'm the best there is at what I do, bub—and what I do ain't pretty! Bastion can't have gotten him—he can't have—I just gotta hang tough. Wolvie will get here. He'll save me. He promised he'd always look after me, always be there when I need him. He'll get here. I just stay angry. That's what he would do."

Logan's head sank into his hands as his elbows rested on his knees. Jubilee had been counting on him to come for her. Because he'd promised. He'd promised he'd be there…and he wasn't.

Her panicked voice rose again, catching his attention. "No…not the straps…don't strap me down…what are you doing now…oh God, help me, save me, somebody, please, please don't let this happen, don't do this to me!" Jubilee went rigid on the bed, her arms coming up to grip the headboard of the bed, her hands curling into fists. Her legs, under the blankets, went stiff, as if she'd just been strapped down. Let go of me…let me up…don't do this to me, please, I'm just a kid, please…" and she screamed out. Softly, though. A part of her must realize that she's dreamin', Logan thought. Maybe all them times wakin' up t'Emma smackin' her around got it into her head that she mustn't scream when she's dreamin. My god, what did they do to her to make her act like this? He watched her face twist in a rictus of agony, and her body went tense as she screamed again. It seemed to go on forever, and he was about to grab her and haul her out of bed if he had to in order to stop the anguished screaming when she went silent. Her body relaxed on the bed for a moment, then an anguished moan escaped her lips. "No more…don't touch me…please, I hurt…oh God, I hurt…hungry, thirsty, can't reach the food cause I hurt too much…help me, somebody, please! Anybody! Wolvie, where are you? Don't forget me, Wolvie, don't leave me alone, please! You're all I have, you're my only hope, don't let me die here!"

With a choked, anguished sob, Logan rose from the end of the bed and flung himself at the door of the motel room, yanking it open and stepping outside into the clean fresh air. He felt as if he were stifling, sitting in that room listening to Jubilee beg him to come get her, to rescue her, to not forget about her. There was nothing he could have done; he hadn't known she was missing, hadn't known she was anywhere other than where she was supposed to be…but he still felt a load of grief and guilt settle on his shoulders because he hadn't known. Hadn't known. It was irrational. There was no way he could have known…but he still felt that somehow, someway, he should have known his little girl was in trouble…

He stepped back into the hotel room after he'd smoked a cigar and calmed himself down. He'd thought about going and waking her up, but he didn't feel equal to trying to wake her up. Chuck had said something once about dreams being how people dealt with issues left from traumatic events when they were awake, and maybe these dreams were Jubilee's way of working through what had happened to her.

She was still asleep, still dreaming, but her body was no longer tense. "I can't believe I made it, I really made it, he's here, he's alive, an' I'm gonna be okay…he'll never let anything happen to me. Never never never again…no, Wolvie, don't look at my wrists, it'll kill you to see those marks the straps left…oh no. You saw them. Oh, God, I can't bear the way he's looking at me right now… he knows…no! No, I can't tell you, you'll go back there to hurt Bastion and you'll be captured and I'll lose you forever…I'd die without you, you're the only one who cares about me, Wolvie, the only one who loves me…Don't ask, Wolvie, please don't ask…I won't tell. I'll never tell. It would hurt you too much."

Logan couldn't stand it anymore. "Hurts more listenin' t'ya suffer through this alone than if ya told me, darlin'," he said quietly, his voice rough with pent-up emotion as he grasped her upper arm gently and drew her to a sitting position. "You can tell me whatever, Jubilee, you know you can. I'll never refuse t'listen." The change in her breathing told him she had woken when he touched her arm, and he wrapped his arms around her, tucking her head under his chin and patting her back gently.

She tried to pull away, scrubbing at the tears on her face. "I'm sorry for waking you; what did I say?"

He refused to let her pull away, refused to let her go. "Nothin', darlin', nothin'. Shh. Don't fight it, let it go." She gave into his embrace; gave into the tears she'd held back for too long. She started to cry; not the harsh, racking sobs of before, but gentle tears of grief and sorrow. Healing tears. He held her for a long time, treasuring the feel of her in his arms, silently vowing again to keep better track of where she was and what she was doing. This would never happen again. He'd never let anything like this happen to her again. She was all he had. Sure, others cared about him, but Jubilee needed him, loved him, like he needed and loved her.

And losing her would kill him.

End Notes:

Sorry about the long interval between chapters, everyone! I've been kind of caught up in publishing business and the release and sale of my ebook (if you're under 18, don't ask!) and I'd been waiting for my coauthor to verify some details from Wolverine issues 119-122. This chapter is set right before the events of Uncanny X-Men #, when Sauron paid a surprise visit to the mansion and attacked Logan. I wrote the last two chapters to cover Jubilee's sudden, unexplained re-appearance in this UXM issue, but I think from here I'll leave it in Marvel's most capable hands. The last chapter will be coming hopefully tomorrow, so look for it! Almost finished, folks!