AN: i fucking cried while writing this
Gon whipped around, but Hisoka had disappeared! He shot his head back and forth, trying to see where he had gone. But it was no use. The feeling of Illumi and Hisoka's presence was completely gone. Gon had done it.
He had chased them off.
Not a split second after he realized he had won, a pain exploded behind his eyes. Gon screamed, gripping his head. The biochemical retracted, and his bones snapped apart and back together again. His horns retracted into his skull, and his body shrunk back down to its normal size. The worst of all, however, was the tail retracting back into his spine. Gon actually passed out from the pain several times, and by the time it was over he could hardly move.
Gon took a shuddering breath. It was done. The transformation had reversed, and all the injuries Illumi had given him had been healed. There was no pain buzzing in his veins, no ache all over his body. There were no lasting side effects if he used the biochemical for its intended purpose. That odd sensation of having a more superior blood had left, and everything was back to normal.
Gon had half a mind to sit and try to figure out what the hell had just happened to him, but Gon wasn't the one who mattered right now.
"Killua!" the hybrid gasped, sitting up so fast he lost his vision for a moment. He scrambled to his feet, and lurched through the trees. He wasn't in pain, but his body was exhausted. His ankles had been half shifted for over a year, and now that they were completely of human structure walking felt strange.
Gon made his way through the trees, leaning against the trunks to keep his balance. He backtracked, following the trail of dead and gray grass he had left. Finally, he made it to where he had left Killua.
Gon sprinted forward, and slid on his knees across the grass. He took Killua up in his arms, and searched for the needle. Killua was paralyzed, and Gon could smell the needle on him, making sure the effect remained. Sapphire eyes were trained on his face as Gon frantically searched, unblinking and untrusting.
The hybrid brushed his fingers across Killua's forehead, and found it. He brushed those silvery bangs out of his eyes, and pulled Illumi's paralysis needle from his forehead. Killua squeezed his eyes shut tight, but the paralysis didn't wear off.
But that was alright.
While he had been in training with Wing, the Sorcerer had helped Gon out with his neurotoxin. Training to properly use it was a whole lot like learning to use Ren, and with Wing's help Gon was even better at using the toxin. Another thing he had learned from Wing was the antidote.
Every humanoid that possessed a toxin was immune to the effects of their own poison. That being the case, any bodily fluid hailing from the toxin's home body served as an antidote. In Gon's case, he could reverse his toxin using his own saliva. And since he could change the potency of his neurotoxin, he could cure the effects of other paralysis poisons by replicating their chemical structure.
Gon leaned down, and inhaled deeply against the puncture wound in Killua's forehead. He closed his eyes, and focused. He replicated the poison, and once his neck was slicked with the replicated toxin, it was done. He had adjusted the chemical balance in his body, and had effectively turned his spit into an anti-venom.
The hybrid pulled Killua close, and licked across his forehead. The effect was immediate, and the Valkyrie shrunk away. Gon watched like a hawk as Killua regained control over his body, he needed to make sure that Illumi hadn't poisoned him in any other way–
"You can get off now," Killua hissed, shoving himself out of Gon's lap.
Gon opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it.
Okay… that's a valid reaction.
Gon deflated, shoulders drooping.
Where do I even begin?
"Killua–"
"-What the hell are you doing here?" the Valkyrie demanded, wiping tears from his eyes with the hells of his hands. Gon and Killua sat across from each other at the base of a dying tree. Gon's aura had sucked all the life out of it, and now its branches were drooping down, the leaves crumbling to silvery dust and raining down around them like the petals of a cherry blossom tree. The grass around the tree was dead and silver, reflecting the light from the moon and making it look like they were under some sort of ethereal spotlight.
Gon licked his lips, floundering on the spot. He had to say the right thing right now, or else Killua would slip through his fingers forever. Never to return again.
Tears burned in Gon's eyes.
He didn't want that to happen.
He couldn't let that become his reality.
"Killua, I'm so sorry!" he choked out, grabbing Killua's hands and holding them against his chest.
The Valkyrie refused to meet his gaze, teeth clenched in an effort to keep himself from crying. "What are you being sorry for? I'm the one who ruined everything."
"That's not true! I didn't listen to you! I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most! Killua, I'm so so sorry!"
Killua pulled his hands out of Gon's grip, and Gon let his fingers slacken. He didn't cling. Not like he had the night they'd gotten into that awful fight.
"What are you, some sort of idiot?" the Valkyrie forced out through gritted teeth, still not looking Gon in the eye. "I pushed you away! I did horrible things! I almost killed you!"
"You had every right to push me away! I was being a bad friend, and you don't owe me anything at all. I don't own you, and I have no right to get upset with you if you want to keep things for yourself… I was being selfish and stupid, I was butthurt and pouting because you wouldn't tell me! I should have just been there for you–"
"-You were there for me, you moron!" Killua cried out, pulling at the tattered remains of Gon's jacket. "All you wanted to do was help, but I was too big of a damned coward to let you in! You have no right to my feelings?! That's not true, you were my best friend, and best friends are supposed to tell each other how they feel! You have every right to my feelings, Gon! And I wasn't being open with you! And I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing to me?!" Gon exclaimed, grabbing onto Killua's wrists. "You were suffering! Illumi was pushing you to do things against your will and I was too damn self absorbed to pull my head out of my ass and see that! You needed me and I wasn't there for you!"
"I couldn't tell you! If I had then Illumi would have killed you! That's why I couldn't tell you what was going on, but that doesn't mean I had to yell at you every night and push you away!" Killua shot back, leaning forward and accidentally knocking their foreheads together. "When we were fighting, I released all my anger on you! I projected all my cowardice onto you, and I almost fucking killed you!"
"Well I kicked you while you were down!" Gon shot back. "I continued hurting you even though you clearly had already surrendered!"
"I was letting you do that, dumb ass! I wanted to let you beat me up! I deserved it!"
"No you did not! And you didn't almost kill me! I was perfectly fine! I can heal myself, but you can't! I broke like three of your ribs!" Gon yelled.
"Valkyries heal, that's nothing compared to what I did to you!" Killua screamed back.
Both of them were screaming at the top of their lungs at this point.
"I screamed in your face! I threw you around like you were nothing more than garbage!"
"Well I took your eye out!"
"I sat at home and ignored Leorio! I wouldn't even tell him what was wrong! He thought you were fucking dead for days on end and I just made him sit there and suffer!"
"I KILLED A MAN!"
"SO DID I!"
They both froze, sitting up on their knees and all up in each other's faces.
Gon and Killua blinked, and then broke down laughing, crying through their giggles.
Gon crumpled back to a sitting position, unable to hold himself up any longer. "Killua," he choked out once they'd regained their composure. "I'm really sorry. For everything."
The Valkyrie sniffed. "So am I."
Gon rushed forward, and crushed Killua against his chest. The Valkyrie immediately returned the embrace, wrapping his tail so hard around Gon's waist that it hurt. But he didn't care. Killua was here. Killua was back. Gon was sorry, and Killua was too.
"Killua," Gon sobbed against that fluffy mop of hair. "Those weeks without you there… That was the worst time of my entire life. I never wanna lose you ever again. Will you please forgive me?"
"Yeah, of course," he mumbled, voice muffled against Gon's chest. "Can you forgive me? Please? I'll do anything. Let me explain, I'll tell you everything."
"I already have," Gon choked out, his snot running down his nose and getting in Killua's hair.
Killua pushed back, holding Gon at arm's length. "Really?"
All the hybrid could do was nod, and then they were both sobbing all over again.
Gon started laughing again, and fell backwards into the silvery grass.
Killua leaned over him, eyes swollen and red but still the most beautiful thing Gon had ever seen in his entire life. "What's with you?" he asked, voice shaking in his effort to keep from laughing as well.
"I– I just–" Gon reached up and cupped Killua's cheek with his palm. "I missed you so much. It's like I've been half blind all the time, and all of a sudden I can see all over again."
Killua's eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. "I, uh… feel the same."
Gon sat up and grabbed Killua's hand. "Tell me what happened with Illumi. I'm here now."
Killua took a long and shuddering breath, and then shuffled closer to Gon. They both sat with their legs crossed, knees touching. Killua took Gon's other hand, and began explaining everything that had happened.
"It all started the night Kurapika left, really. We were searching… and that's the first time I thought I saw Illumi. I was really freaking the fuck out… but all this other crazy stuff with Kurapika was happening, and he was gone the second I turned around. So I didn't say anything, cause I didn't wanna make you or Leorio any more stressed out than you already were. That was my first mistake.
"Then, the day we went to the boardwalk? When I ran off? I wasn't chasing after someone I thought was Kurapika. I was chasing after Illumi. It was actually him this time. But I wasn't gonna let him control me or mess up the remaining peace we still had. I cornered him in an ally, and I tried to fight him but I… was too weak to do it. He threatened you… and he threatened Alluka."
Gon blinked, confused. "Who's Alluka?"
Another set of tears slipped down Killua's porcelain cheeks. "That's another place I messed up. I have four siblings… not just Illumi. The others are Milluki, Kalluto… and Alluka. I know I talk about how much I hate my family all the time… but I don't actually hate all of them. Alluka's the exception. She's… she means the world to me. She's the only reason I am the person I am today. When we were kids, she was the only one holding me together through it all… But everyone else in the family hates her. Grandpa doesn't really care much, but he still doesn't do anything to defend her. Mother and Ill hate her… and Milluki and Kalluto just pretend she doesn't exist."
"Why?" Gon asked, frowning. Alluka meant a lot to Killua! If everyone in Killua's psycho family was mean to her then Gon was really angry at them for it!
"It's cause…" Killua trailed off, clearly gathering his thoughts. "Well, it's cause she's possessed."
"Huh?"
Okay. Gon was officially lost now.
"A while back, when my mother was still pregnant with Alluka, her and my dad went off on a job. It was a pretty dangerous job, one they had to go off planet for. They had been hired to exterminate an infestation of vengeful spirits called Ai. Only problem was… one of them attacked my mother. She was weakened, you see. Not entirely in her game. Alluka was a pretty large baby. My dad was pretty freaked out, had her under constant medical surveillance once they got back. The doctors said mother was perfectly fine, that the creature hadn't seemed to have harmed either her or Alluka within her."
"Uh… what's an Ai?" Gon asked.
"An alien creature, that feeds off the greed of mankind."
"Ohh," Gon murmured, cocking his head to one side. He leaned in, wanting to hear more. Listening to Killua talk like this… he truly was spilling his soul out for Gon. The hybrid could see it in those sapphire eyes. Every word out of Killua's mouth was heartfelt and true. He really cared about Alluka, and his words were passionate and clear.
Sitting like this… staring into Killua's eyes as he spoke…
Gon thought that he could just sit and listen to Killua speak for all eternity, and he'd be the happiest person in existence. Killua's voice was so beautiful… it put Gon in a trance. His heart sang, his chest buzzed with emotion.
Killua…
"Alluka was born a completely normal baby. She was completely healthy, and nothing was wrong with her. Only the thing was," the Valkyrie continued, "Soon we found out that just wasn't the case. When my mother was attacked by the creature? One of the Ai infiltrated not my mother's body, but Alluka's. As it stands, Alluka shares a body and mind with one of those creatures. Mom and dad are afraid of her because of that. They call her a monster… a freak!"
Killua clenched his hands around Gon's.
"But that's not true!" he exclaimed, staring desperately into Gon's eyes. Begging him to understand. Gon felt his cheeks flush. Those eyes were so intense. "Alluka may share a body with a monster, but it's not like that! There's two of them in there! Alluka, and the spirit. Her name is Nanika, and she's not just some animal. She can't help that she's like that! But she's alive, she thinks! She feels! Alluka and Nanika are my sisters, and they're everything to me. And Illumi… he threatened them. He told me that mother wasn't just going to sit by with me gone. That she was going to snap, and Alluka would take the fallout. So… he gave me a job. To prove to mother that I'm still her precious little Valkyrie."
Killua choked up, and Gon squeezed his hands. Reminding him that he was right there, right with him. That it was okay.
"The job was… horrible. Long story short, but I was sent to take care of a clan of Forest Nymphs several years ago. I eliminated everyone but the kids… I wasn't right in the head back then. But fast forward to now, and those same kids were planning an attack on the Mountain. My job was to kill the threats but– But Illumi didn't tell me that they were a bunch of kids."
Killua had to pause and take a deep breath.
"I got in there… and they all just… attacked me. I didn't fight back, I stayed on the defensive… but I was wearing my Dragonskin armor… and they just injured themselves against it. There was nothing I could do and I– it was really hard. That psycho lady with the crazy purple hair?"
Gon nodded, eyebrows furrowed.
"This whole thing was her idea, and she infected all of them with this horrible Blood Magic Spell. In exchange for an insane amount of pain, the kids kept turning themselves into bombs… they were gonna explode the entire Mountain, and wipe out the entire Dragonite subspecies in one fell swoop. Gon, I didn't wanna do it! I didn't wanna kill them! But I had to… my entire species was on the line… and the kids… the kids were suffering so much! Their screams still haunt my nightmares! Every time I close my eyes I see their faces melting off! I see them screaming in agony! The only way to save them from that… was to kill them all. So that's why I was doing that… to save the kids. And to save Alluka."
"Killuaaaaa," Gon tackled the Valkyrie to the ground, pressing him against the grass and squeezing the daylights out of him. "I'm so sorry!" he wailed. "I can't believe that happened to you! You're so brave, you're so strong. I never could have done any of that. I'm so sorry I ever doubted you."
"Gon…" Killua mumbled. "I'm not strong, not at all!"
"Why?" Gon whined, sitting up but not getting out of Killua's lap.
"When I left home, when I ran away, I just left Alluka behind!" Killua cried out. "She's the one who's been there for me all these years, and she's the one who encouraged me to run off! She's so kind and– and I just left her there! She said it was okay, but that's not true! She's still in that house, she's still locked up all alone in that tower and she's still suffering! Gon?"
"Yes?"
"I have to save Alluka! I have to get her out of that damned house! Can we save her? Please?"
Gon grabbed Killua's face in his hands. "Yes! Let's do it right now. We'll leave tonight, we'll go to Kukuroo Mountain and– Killua, why are you crying?"
"It's just– It's just you. How are you so kind?" he choked out.
"Because it's you, Killua. Alluka is clearly very important to you. We have to get her out. I'll do anything for you, anything at all. Just tell me what."
Killua's eyes blew wide, and his face turned completely red. He hid his face beneath his bangs, and pushed at Gon's face. "You. You're so damned… Gods." He shook his head, and then looked back at Gon. "No, we can't go right now, what about your dad? You got your reading from Neon, didn't you?"
"Well, I haven't gotten it red just yet… and even if I had that wouldn't matter! Alluka is more important!"
Killua sighed, eyes softer than cotton. "No. I wouldn't be able to stand it if we put aside your goal to clean up a mess that I made. I bought Alluka some spare time. Enough for us to find Ging. Let's go after that. After we discover your species."
"Killua, are you sure?"
The Valkyrie smiled, his entire face falling slack in the most beautiful expression Gon had ever seen. It sent his stomach squirming and his heart racing. "Yeah. We'll find your dad, and then we'll get Alluka out."
Gon stared into Killua's eyes, knowing his face probably looked completely dopey right about now. But he didn't care… look at Killua. Being like this. Pushing his wants and goals aside for Gon's sake, insisting that they follow Gon's dreams first. And here Gon was… a complete selfish jerk. He didn't deserve Killua, not one tiny bit.
Tears spilled forth, and Killua's smile turned to concern. "Gon? Hey, what's up?"
Gon rubbed his hands across his face, and Killua gently pulled them away. "Killua. I'm a horrible person."
"What?! No way! Why're you saying that?"
"You've been– you've been acting weird for months now! Almost– almost the whole time we've been in Yorknew City! Has Illumi been bugging you this whole time? I just– I just ignored it! I thought that if you didn't say something then it wasn't important but– but look where thinking like that got me! Were you really not comfortable enough to tell me what was wrong? That's not right at all! I'm supposed to be there for you, but I wasn't!"
Killua's eyes changed, then changed again. His mouth opened and closed several times. He was clearly scrambling. He squirmed about, pushing Gon off his lap and sitting back on his heels. His face turned a million shades of red, and clenched his fists. Gon watched with watery eyes, what was this all about?
"I'm gay!"
…wut?
"Huh?" Gon asked. Tears gone, completely confused.
Killua whined, rigid as a board. "That's why I've been acting weird! Illumi wasn't here till recently, but I've been acting strange this whole time cause of– cause of that. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I was just scared you wouldn't like me anymore–"
Gon threw his head back laughing.
He couldn't breathe!
He lost his balance, rolling onto his back, sobbing in hysterics.
"Wha– Gon?! What the hell?!"
Gon forced himself up. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! But is that really the reason you've been hiding things from me this whole time?!"
"I– …yes."
Gon bent over giggling, Killua slapped him hard in the arm.
"Cut that out, dammit!"
"I– Killua, look." He sat up, staring Killua dead in the eye. Getting completely serious. "I'd never look at anyone any differently cause of anything like that. Not sexuality, not how they look, and not their species. I'll accept you no matter who you are, or who you love."
Tears welled up in Killua's eyes. "R-really? You seriously mean that?"
"Of course I do. And besides, I'm pan so we're kinda in the same boat with that one."
Killua completely froze. Gon blinked a few times once a full minute had passed. "Uh, Killua?" he waved his hand back and forth in front of the Valkyrie's face. All of a sudden he jerked awake, gasping and catching his breath.
He grabbed Gon's ripped up shirt and pulled him forward. "Really?!"
"Uh, yeah."
"Why the fuck didn't you say anything?!" he screamed, tears in his eyes.
"I didn't think it was important!"
"How is that not important?!"
"I'm sorry! I thought it was obvious!"
"I can't even fucking take a compliment without my brain completely shutting down, did you really think I'd be able to see past my own insecurities to figure that the fuck out?!"
Gon started laughing again, and Killua slowly joined in.
"We're both idiots," Gon giggled, hanging off Killua for balance.
"Seriously," the silver haired boy agreed. "So… are we good?"
"Yeah," Gon grinned. "So good." Gon picked himself to his feet, and then helped Killua up after him. "Come on, let's go home."
Killua grinned right back at him. Just the sight Gon had been dying to see. "Yeah."
…
The two boys made it back to the apartment at midnight. The moon at their backs, they'd jumped from roof to roof, more glad than you could ever know to be back together again. They slipped in through Gon's bedroom window, utterly exhausted.
Gon collapsed onto his bed, pulling Killua down after him.
"Hey… would you mind… sleeping in here tonight? I just… still can't believe that you're actually here."
Killua smiled sweetly at this boy, this idiot boy that had his entire heart and soul enraptured. "Yeah. I'd like that."
For the first time in months, Gon and Killua curled up under the same blanket. They laid in each other's embrace, lulled to sleep by the lazy washing of the waves against the shore. Killua lay flush against Gon, unashamed, his arms wrapped tight around his stomach. He buried his face into Gon's chest, and leaned on his arm like a pillow. Gon's arms were locked around him, and their legs were tangled together beneath the sheets.
Laying here… in the warmth of Gon's embrace… Killua realized something.
Something about himself.
I… have never felt so happy… or like I've truly belonged, not until I met Gon.
Gon is my entire world, and now that I've got him back I'm so glad I can hardly breathe.
This whole time I've been suppressing my feelings for him… shoving them down and trying to stifle them out. I've been ashamed of my sexuality my entire life… but it's about time I set those insecurities aside. Gon… he accepts me. He's queer too, which is more than I could have ever asked for.
Gon's the only one who matters to me… and if he accepts me no matter what… then it's about time I started accepting myself.
A soft warmth stirred in Killua's chest. A warm heat, a humming bundle of emotion. It settled beneath his breastbone, snuggled up against his heart. He wrapped his arms tighter around Gon, drinking in his scent.
I… I'm in love with Gon.
This isn't just a crush… not just petty attraction. I love him, more than anything in the entire world.
And… that's okay.
It doesn't matter if he's my best friend, because my feelings are true. My feelings are deep.
I'll protect him no matter what, and even if he never loves me back I won't mind. He's here with me now, and that's all I could ever ask for. I long for him, in body and soul. And that's okay. I love him, and he'll always have a home in me. If he's ever lost, if he's ever alone or wandering in the cold… I'll be here for him.
He'll always have a safe spot with me…
He's my home… so I'll happily be his.
Killua sighed against Gon's chest, and slipped off into slumber.
Gon stayed awake, unable to sleep. His heart was beating too fast. This fluffy feeling in his chest was too strong to put to rest. He'd lost Killua… and it had been horrible. He couldn't stand that thought… that thought of losing him again.
And now that he was back… all of a sudden Gon was so much more aware of him.
He'd always thought Killua was beautiful but… He'd always cared for him but…
No.
This was so much more than that.
This feeling… it wasn't just nothing.
Gon… Gon liked Killua.
A whole lot.
A whole lot more than a friend ever would.
Gon's cheeks flushed, and his heart lurched in his chest. He looked down at Killua, snuggled against his chest. His heart fluttered. Killua.
He wrapped his arms tighter around him.
Crap. I'll never let you go again, I swear.
I know you want me as a friend… but I… I see that I want… more than that. This is new but… I feel like it's always been here. It's so deep… so consuming. I'm drowning in your scent, your touch. Your presence.
But I swear, I won't let this mess anything up.
I've just gotten you back… and I'm not going to let any messy feelings get in between us ever again.
I'll just be happy… to keep you by my side.
Gon closed his eyes, and slowly fell asleep. Allowing the warmth of Killua's embrace to pull him under, never to come back up for air. But he didn't need any air, not any more. All he needed now… was Killua at his side.
AN: KILLUA?! ARE THOSE HEALTHY EMOTIONS?! IS THAT A HEALTHY THOUGHT PROCESS?! and Gon? GON?! ARE WE FINALLY ADMITTING WHAT WE FEEL?!
