Gon whimpered and collapsed to the ground. He lay dramatically on his back, the sun beating down on him relentlessly. They'd stopped on the top of one of the canyon walls… and sure, there were trees nearby and even an outcropping turned shelter… but they were completely out in the open! Training was horrible when it was this hot outside.

The sun hated Gon!

"Gon! Did I give you permission to take a break?" Bisky snapped, angrily flipping the page of her magazine.

"Sorry," the hybrid mumbled, slowly picking himself back up to his feet.

"Giving up already?" Killua taunted, passing a sphere of Ko from one hand to the other.

"No way!" Gon declared, leaping to his feet. "I'm not tired at all! This is sooo easy!"

The Valkyrie chuckled. "Sure, sure."

Ever since Gon had developed this awful crush on Killua, he'd been incredibly preoccupied with trying to prove himself. All of a sudden it felt like he had to show Killua that he was worth his time. Even though Killua was just his friend, and he didn't need to be anything but his friend, Gon still felt like maybe he could sort of impress Killua enough to start liking him? At least just a little bit?

It was completely stupid, he knew that well.

Killua was his friend, why did these troublesome thoughts have to constantly plague him?

Gon activated his Ren, giving himself a shield several inches thick. There was only one week left at this particular stop, and Bisky was really bugging him to learn to control more Ko at a time. Killua was ahead of him. But Gon had been a bit…

Distracted.

The hybrid slit his wrist, and withdrew the correct amount of blood. He lowered his stance, bracing his hands in front of him as the raging ball of Ko formed between them. The power was pulsing, and strong. It was far stronger than any Ren blast Gon could muster on his own, and a small part of him really wanted to throw it at something to see how big the explosion would be.

But he couldn't do that. Per Bisky's orders, all Ko was to be flung into the sky once they couldn't hold it any longer.

Killua was doing just that right now, flinging his enormous mass of energy up into the air. Gon watched from the corner of his eye as Killua's Magic burst over their heads, exploding into a fireworks show of white and blue sparks. Killua was so amazing. His Magic was incredible.

The Valkyrie groaned dramatically, wiping the sweat off his brow. "It's so damn hot!"

Gon opened his mouth to jab at Killua for making fun of him earlier, but ate his words when Killua suddenly shucked his shirt clean off.

Ohhhh, this was not good.

Blood rushed to Gon's cheeks, and he quickly looked away.

Concentrate on your Magic, dammit!

Stop looking at Killua!

He just has his shirt off! It's not that big of a deal…

It was a very big deal.

Gon was well aware that he should be mature enough to be around his hot friend with his shirt off, but for some reason these cumbersome feelings were making him so awkward and hyper aware of everything Killua did. Gon supposed he'd never had a serious crush on anyone before… I mean, Jade had been super nice and all, but Gon hadn't liked her as much as Killua. No, it wasn't even a fair comparison.

No one had ever made Gon feel this way before in his life… from when they'd just met to now. Even when he'd just felt strictly friendly feelings for Killua it had been so different. And that's why Gon was having so much trouble right now.

It felt like these feelings had ALWAYS been there, like this was nothing at all. Just a regular day basking, in the light of Killua's glory.

But if that was the case… and Gon still felt that same kinship towards Killua…

Then why was his stomach having a gymnastics show.

Gon couldn't keep his eyes on his Ko. His attention was pinned on Killua, no matter how hard he tried to keep it on the task at hand. The Valkyrie's pale skin might as well have been glowing under the sun. His skin was glazed with sweat, and the dips and shadows of that lean muscle were making Gon's mouth dry up.

Killua swished his tail as he settled back into his wide-kneed-Magic-stance, drawing Gon's eyes down to his slender waist. His pants were low cut, it was too hot outside for a proper tail cuff. His hip bones stuck out from his body, and the dip of his lower spine stained black as his skin morphed into the smooth flesh of his tail.

The Valkyrie's tail was an extension of his spine, jutting out from his tailbone; Unlike Gon's tail, which was a tangent from the original vertebrae. With a waistband that fell beneath the base of his tail, Killua's shorts were barely clinging to his hips, looking ready to slip off at any sudden movement–

Shit.

Gon was a fucking disaster.

He shook his head and tried to refocus. Training was important! Bisky was gonna have his head if he didn't catch up with Killua before the first phase of training ended!

With a graceful flick of his tail, Killua slit his forearm on the barb. His Ren exploded out of him, graceful and deadly. Killua shifted into Ko with such ease, the tendons in his arms straining as he braced to hold the powerful bundle of energy under his control.

Gon's eyes were transfixed on the spot between his shoulder blades. Killua was so strong–

"Ah!" Gon cried out when his Ko exploded in his face.

Killua whipped around, eyebrows drawn together in concern. Of course he didn't have any issues keeping his Ko under control while he was distracted. "What was that? You okay?" Killua asked, voice sympathetic and soft.

AHHHHHHHH, Killua was too good for him!

"It's nothing, I'm fine," Gon reassured him, his voice cracking.

I'm such a total idiot!

"Okay, well don't kill yourself, alright?" the Valkyrie snorted, turning back around.

"Gon! How many times do I have to tell you to stay focused?!" Bisky scolded. "This is the third time today!"

No need to remind me, Gon whined to himself. He stood back up, brushing the dirt from his shorts.

I need to stop being such a lovesick idiot. So Killua's attractive! That's already been established!

I've had like a year to drool over him, why the hell do I have to start now when I've been fine all this time?!

Gon put his back to Killua, because clearly he could not be trusted with such a beautiful humanoid in his line of vision.

Gon didn't often dream. And whenever he did it would be a shocking string of nightmares, keeping him up late into the night once he'd woken himself up. The nightmares had gone away ever since Gon had met Killua, as the Valkyrie seemed to serve as anti-dreaming medicine.

Curled up under the outcropping of rock, the fire long since dead, Killua was Gon's single source of warmth. They hadn't slept apart since the night Gon had saved Killua and they'd reunited.

Killua would drape himself across Gon like a blanket, squishing them together without hesitation. Bisky didn't cause any fuss over it, which Gon appreciated. Having Killua this close made him a little dizzy from all the proximity, but it also calmed Gon's nerves. Made his chest get all warm and fuzzy.

Gon had always cared deeply for Killua, and the only conscious aspect of his new feelings seemed to revolve around Killua's body. On the curve of his neck. His striking features. The way Gon's stomach twisted that certain way whenever Killua stretched out before training every day.

It was concerning… how now it seemed that the only new addition to Gon's mental process was the observing of his best friend's body, and all the things that body did to Gon.

But at times like these, when Killua wiggled so close that they shared breath, Gon was reassured of his feelings. This soft warmth in his chest, the prickle in the back of his mind to squeeze Killua to death. These feelings were warm, fluffy. Innocent. They weren't platonic, but they weren't erotic either.

Times like these… Gon was able to relax into this new crush on Killua.

He was able to come to terms with these feelings, and accept them. Usually they flew under the radar, blending together with their friendship like they weren't there at all. But nights with Killua cuddled up against him proved to Gon that they existed, and that he didn't just like Killua for physical reasons.

Gon had never expected that closeness to backfire.

This had been his only reprieve. His only reassurance that he liked Killua for Killua, and not those strong arms and that slender waist.

It seemed that when Gon did dream, all of his buried insecurities would get regurgitated up.

Forced front and center in his mind, with no escape whatsoever.

The dream started simple enough.

It was a place Gon was familiar with. A place that felt like a second home, he dared say.

The pure nostalgia of it all was enough to spin Gon into a stupor, removing the lucidity that always crept into his non-nightmares. This was all Gon's subconscious mind, and when Gon's mind was left to its own devices things were guaranteed to spiral out of control. It was inevitable.

The room was small, but comfortable. Secluded. The curtains serving for a set of doors were a black lace. Opaque enough to provide a sense of privacy but transparent enough to tempt those outside. It was warm, just like always. Not an unpleasant heat, just enough to cover Gon's body in a light sheen of sweat.

The room smelled like honey and citrus, sweet with that bite of aggression. Jade frequently told Gon that it resembled him. Cuddly on both the inside and the outside, but riddled with his fair share of shadows and alluring secrets.

Gon stretched out on the sheets, arching his back and reaching his arms high. The fabric was silken and plush. The bed stuffed with enough down and cotton to drown a man. He made sure to sigh, they were always encouraged to be as vocal as possible; without it sounding fake, of course.

The curtains shivered, and Gon rolled onto his stomach, resting his head on his hands. He kicked his legs lazily in the air behind him, and planted a velvety smile onto his lips. Who would it be?

He never knew, but he didn't care.

This was his escapism, his own gossamer world. It was too thick to see the light, but always light enough to breathe as easily as he pleased. No worries could get to Gon down here. No stress. There was nothing but him, and whoever crossed the threshold into his trap. They could come here for themselves, but Gon knew that he was the real one benefiting here. He'd pay them in full, making sure to leave that achingly sweet sensation in the backs of their mouths. Feel free to return, he'd tell them.

Not for their sake, but for his.

So long as someone was in here, Gon was never alone in the cage of his own mind.

The lace parted, and a tall figure stood on the step. Thrown into shadow, Gon couldn't make out their features, but that didn't matter. He slowly sat up, locking gazes with the person in the doorframe.

Sapphire eyes, bluer than the clearest ocean.

Something prickled in the back of Gon's mind, his consciousness prodding at the walls of the dream.

Gon ignored it, the outside world didn't matter here. This place was his escape, his castle in the clouds. Nothing else mattered but what Gon was about to feel. The person, a little bit, but Gon was doing this for himself and himself alone.

Graceful hands pushed the person fully into the room, and a pair of purple eyes winked as the curtains were drawn.

Jade. Gon would have to thank her later~

"Come here, let me see your face," Gon murmured to the person.

They slowly walked forward, the graceful lilt to their steps stirring something in the back of Gon's mind. Who was this person? Why was Gon already starting to feel warm…

Whoever they were did not let Gon see their face. By some fantastical rule of the dreamscape, they were nothing more than a pitch black silhouette with wild blue eyes. They perched on the edge of the bed, almost in a feline fashion. A thin tail swished about behind them, the one signal that Gon could read:

"I want to feel you."

Gon slipped forward, and cupped the silhouette's face in his hands. He leaned in, and slotted their lips together. He started slow, like always. He needed to drag it out, make them beg. It was the only thing that made him feel like he wasn't worthless.

The silhouette hummed into Gon's mouth, and the hybrid licked lazily against their bottom lip. The response was immediate, they cracked their lips and placed their hands on Gon's shoulders. Granting him access.

Gon slid his tongue into the silhouette's mouth, and suddenly stars were exploding behind his eyelids. They're taste was like home, like belonging, like finally having a place in this horrible world. Gon gasped, and deepened the kiss. Moving his lips faster, threading his hands through this person's hair.

Silky soft, like the fur off a kitten's back.

Whoever they were groaned, the sound rumbling against Gon's mouth and echoing down his spine, going right in between his legs. Gon leaned up, sitting on his knees. Never breaking the kiss, he slid his hands down the person's back. He picked them up, wrapping their legs around his waist. He turned around, and pinned them against the silky sheets.

They sank down into the bed, trapped between the embrace of a cloudlike mattress and the needy heat of Gon's body.

Gon didn't sink all the way down, he held himself up over them. The silhouette dug their nails into Gon's scalpe, pulling at his waist with their legs and begging Gon to just come the hell down.

"Idiot," the world echoed through Gon's mind, making him shiver.

The person's tail wrapped around Gon's thigh and it was so familiar but where–

Gon finally broke the kiss, gasping for air as he pulled himself up. The person panted in the sheets, chest pumping up and down and pale cheeks flushed pink.

Pale cheeks?

Yes.

Gon could see the person now, they were no longer just a black shadow with painfully familiar eyes.

This person was Killua.

Wait, but who was Killua? Gon, this Gon anyway - the one that lived and thrived in this underground heaven - he knew of no such person. Who was the boy with the silver hair? The sparkling eyes? Skin pale as the moonlight against the ocean?

This boy, Killua, glared up at Gon. He seemed impatient, annoyed. Why did that spark flames in Gon's memory? Why did his lips tug up at the corners? Then again, why had Gon stopped in the first place?

The Gon from this specific point in time might not have known Killua, but his heart did. His very soul cried out for the embrace of this boy, and who was Gon to argue?

The hybrid crashed back into that strong embrace. He crushed their lips back together, and lost his hands in Killua's hair. Gods, it felt like he'd wanted to do that all his life. Tangle his fingers in those fluffy strands, pull at his scalp and make him mewl into his mouth.

Killua moaned, and Gon swallowed it down. He leaned closer, pressing their bodies flush together. That tail wrapped tightly around Gon's waist, pulling him downwards, not letting him back up. Killua wanted it, the fervent slick of his tongue in Gon's mouth was indication enough.

Gon slowly rolled his hips, and Killua was crying out his name.

Fuck.

Gon gasped against Killua's jaw as the other boy threw his head back. He was coming apart at the seams, putty in Gon's hands. The hybrid dragged his lips down Killua's throat, stopping at the meat of his shoulder. He kept the steady motion of his hips going, reveling in the sensation of Killua straining underneath him, grasping for purchase against Gon's back.

The hybrid grazed his teeth against the fabric of Killua's shirt, and in between one blink and the next his clothes were just gone. Gods, if nightmares were the bad side of Gon's dreaming then the fleeting concept of actually wearing clothes was the good side.

Gon leaned back, distracted for a moment by the expanse of Killua's skin. Those defined muscles, the tattoos winding all along his body. The Valkyrie groaned, wrapping his legs tighter around Gon's hips.

"The hell are you… doing?" he gasped out, eyes glazed over and dark.

A growl rumbled low in Gon's throat, and he pressed Killua back into the mattress. Recapturing his mouth as he ground him hard into the mattress. Gon slid his fingers across the planes of Killua's chest, tracing those muscles like he'd been dying to do for weeks.

"Gon."

"Killuaa," he ground out in response.

"Gon."

He moaned low in his throat.

"Hey. Gon. Wake up."

Shit

Gon gasped himself awake so hard he choked on air. His body jerked, but was held in place by a set of warm arms. Gon's heart was racing in his chest, the aftershocks of the sexiest sex dream he'd ever had in his damned live flashing against the backs of his eyelids every time he blinked.

"You okay?" came a whisper with a pork in between Gon's eyes.

The hybrid snapped his head to the side, and came face to face with Killua.

The very person he'd been fucking into the bed in that dream and gods DAMMIT–

"Uh, what?" he choked out. Fuck. Fuck. Why was Killua so close?! Why the hell were their faces only inches apart?! Killua's nose was brushing against Gon's, holy fucking shit, Killua was right there. He was half splayed over Gon, his arms wrapped around him in an effort to keep him from spasming in his sleep or–

Shit.

Nonononono, why had Killua woken him up–

The Valkyrie blew his bangs out of his eyes, that sweet breath tickling Gon's nose and sending a shiver down to his–

Fuck, he was so screwed right now.

"I asked if you were alright," Killua whispered, pretending to be grumpy. But Gon knew the truth. He could see the kindness in those sapphire eyes. "You were jerking around in your sleep and mumbling a bunch of weird shit."

OH MY FUCK–

"Was it bad? It was a nightmare, right?"

Gon just about had a heart attack as the most violent adrenaline rush in his entire existence dropped off. Thank. The. Fucking. Every deity that anyone believed in ever. Killua just thought it was a nightmare. Gon hadn't said anything weird.

Damn ittttt, what if he had said Killua's name?! That would have been inexcusable–

Killua squirmed, moving closer, his leg brushing upwards towards where Gon was hard as fucking hell–

"No! Nope! I'm perfectly fine!" Gon sputtered, squirming about to prevent Killua from pressing himself any closer.

"Are you sure?" the Valkyrie pressed, brows drawing together. He didn't believe that shit for a second.

"Yeah! Yeah, it's absolutely nothing! I just, uh, really have to use the bathroom right now!" Gon choked out as he pushed Killua off and dragged himself out of their next of blankets, making sure to keep his hips faced AWAY from Killua.

"I'll come with you, I kinda have to go too–"

"NO! Er, no! It's okay, seriously!"

"You're acting weird," Killua complained as he untangled himself from the pile of blankets Gon had just tossed haphazardly onto him. He pushed himself to his feet, brushing off his undershorts– which were the ONLY THING HE WAS WEARING. DAMN THIS HEAT.

"I'm not acting weird!" Gon said in a rush, dancing from foot to foot. The fire was out but Killua had amazing night vision–

The Valkyrie rolled his eyes, arching his back and popping his tail in several places.

Oh, Gon did NOT need to see that right now–

"Dumbshit. There's no way I'm letting you hike all the way down to the river when you're acting all weird. You'll fall and bust your ass."

Whyyyyy was Killua picking NOW to act like an adorable mother hen?

"It's fine! I can make it on my own!" Gon protested, walking backwards in an attempt to keep his pants out of Killua's direct line of sight. "Besides, you really don't wanna come with me right now."

Why the flying fuck did I have to word it that way.

Killua glared at him. "Well I'm already up, so–"

"We'll I'm about to shit my fucking brains out, so I'd advise against following me!" Gon choked out. That was such an embarrassing thing to say to Killua, but it was the only realistic excuse that he had right now.

Killua paused, and then snorted. "Okay then. Knock yourself out."

Gon mentally smacked himself in the face. A hundred times over. He quickly turned on his hill and darted into the night.

"Have fun!~~" Killua called after him, snickering.

Gon whimpered. "I'm never gonna hear the end of thissss."

He stumbled down the steep and rocky path, running into the forest and not stopping till he reached the river where they got their water. It was only several feet across, but it was deep. And more importantly, fast moving.

With a heartbeat in between his legs, Gon jumped into the river.

So he wasn't gonna shit so violently that he lost his mind, but a certain bodily fluid was definitely about to leave him at escape velocity.

Gon… really hated life right now.

Gon sat hunched over himself, perched on the bank of the river. With his head in his hands and aftershocks still shivering up his spine, the hybrid had never hated himself as much as he had in this moment.

I can't believe I did that. I can't believe Killua set me off like that.

I haven't jerked off in like… almost two years. What happened to my impromptu vow of chastity?! What happened to it?! I'm definitely not a virgin, not by a LONG shot, but I told myself I wouldn't do it anymore.

Gon moaned dramatically into his hands.

I thought I'd put this behind me! This is so wrong. Killua makes me so happy, he deserves the entire world on a silver platter… but why am I getting like this again… because of him? He's my best friend. He's the reason I wake up in the morning, the reason my heart beats and the fuel keeping my blood pumping in my chest.

It's been like that for a while now… maybe since the day he stepped into my life.

So why, then…

Is this suddenly all my brain is preoccupied with?

And why'd I go back there in my dream?

It's all just bringing me back to that time…


AN: flashback chapter up next!