Time flew. All of a sudden, Ken was mastered and another week had been spent running. Now at their third stop, it was time to learn a new ability: Ryu.
Ryu was using Gyo while in a state of Ken. It was a difficult technique that required a TON of focus and determination. It didn't require any extra Bloodletting, because it was just an advanced application of Ken, and the Bloodletting had already been done to activate the Ken.
Bisky had explained that Ryu was like what they had done while fighting with Ren: having a shield up, but then adding more energy to encase your fist in Magic. Effective, but highly inefficient, especially once Bloodletting was involved. Ryu allowed you to do the exact same thing, but use that same amount of Blood Energy that had already been converted. Not adding anything else, and not sacrificing any more blood. It was impossible to control Ren in that refined of a way, Bloodletting was always required for higher levels of Magic control and power.
Killua was getting the hang of using Ryu pretty quickly. It was super easy, once you got the hang of it and understood what it was you were doing. It was just increasing and decreasing the percentage of Ken in certain places all over your body. It could be used for both offense and defense, though its applications were solely in hand to hand. Ko could be used on top of Ken to execute powerful blasts and more destructive attacks.
But Killua wasn't very good at using both Ken and Ko at the same time, especially now that Ryu had been thrown into the mix. All these new techniques were so much more difficult to get the hang of! Ten, Ren, Zetsu, and Gyo had been so easy! But anything that required Bloodletting just got a thousand times worse.
It was super impressive that Kurapika had been able to learn all this crap in just a month.
While it was true that Bisky was extending their training on purpose, not letting Gon and Killua rush through anything, Kurapika's accomplishments were still incredible.
Another incredible thing was Killua's ability to collect mothers.
"And you ran away?!" Bisky gasped. "Why!"
"Because I couldn't stop thinking about Gon!" Killua exclaimed.
The two of them were sitting at their makeshift table, an arrangement of large rocks. Gon was off in the jungle collecting their breakfast. The three of them always took turns gathering the meals. Today Gon was the cook. Killua royally sucked at cooking, and Bisky was a fucking queen at it. Gon was somewhere in the middle.
"You could have just waited it out! Why would you pass up an opportunity with that guy?!"
"I couldn't just do that to him! I would have been using him in the place of Gon!"
"Well I don't see how that's any worse than just ditching him!" Bisky exclaimed, leaning across the table and pointing at Killua. "He's probably so sad right now!"
"I forgot about him, okay?" the Valkyrie complained, rubbing his hands across his face.
Bisky sighed and slouched back in her chair, a pout on her face. "I understand you being excited to be with Gon again. But if I were in your shoes I would have chosen the alien prince in a heartbeat."
"He's not a prince!"
"He offered to take you away from this world! Up into the stars, where it would just be the two of you," Bisky squealed. "Ohhh, it's so romantic!"
Killua scoffed. "It was nothing like that, he just wanted to get in my pants."
"Perhaps, but that always makes it more fun right?" the blonde declared with a mischievous smirk, one not unlike Killua's.
"Damned hag, of course you'd think that way."
"You take that back, young man!" she snapped.
The two of them glared across the table at each other, and then burst out laughing.
"I suppose you are a kinder soul than I am," Bisky sighed, gazing up at the clouds with a contemplative smile on her face. "I do think that you should make your move on Gon, though."
Killua sputtered, "I could never do that! I'm not gonna force him into anything…"
"Killua. That boy's skull is the densest material on this planet. Do you honestly think he possesses the mental ability to figure that out?"
The Valkyrie flushed. "That's assuming he even likes me that way in the first place."
Bisky gave him a kind smile, eyebrows turning up. "I see the way he looks at you. He clearly cares deeply for you, even if he himself is not aware of it."
Killua hid his eyes beneath his bangs. "I'd started to think that too back in Yorknew City… but we see where that got me." He turned his head up, meeting Bisky's magenta gaze head on. "I'm grateful for the relationship we have right now. I'm done crying over him all the time like I was before. I'll love him no matter what, and just being with him is enough to make me happy."
Bisky stuck her bottom lip out. "You're so– It's so– It's so beautiful!"
Killua scoffed, getting embarrassed.
But he really did appreciate having Bisky here to talk through all this with. His time in Yorknew City had been incredibly trying, traumatizing. Biscuit had lived through hundreds of years of trauma and pain. She'd had to grow up in a world ravaged by the Blood Wars, had to watch her clan rebuild while not knowing what had caused all this destruction in the first place.
Bisky had loved, cried, and fought her fair share of battles. She'd seen horrible things, and been put in dozens of unsavory situations. She'd trained droves of Sorcerers over the years, and had been forced to eliminate her own students many a time, when they allowed the Demonic side of this power to consume them.
Killua had hated Bisky at first, but once he'd given her a chance, he'd realized what a cool person she really was. And he'd gained a third mother along the way. Killua had told Bisky everything, though he hadn't intended to tell her about his feelings for Gon. No, she'd dragged that confession out of him by force.
But still… Killua was glad she knew.
Talking to Kurapika and Leorio about it was always relieving, but talking to them was like talking to his friends. Talking to Bisky was like talking to an actual mother. She was kind, and wanted the best for Killua, while also accepting Gon as her adopted child and wanting the best for him at the same time.
Bisky truly was a kind woman. Killua didn't think he'd meet someone like her ever again in his lifetime.
"Hey, Bisky. I had a question about Ryu."
"Shoot!"
"Well, while Gon and I were sparring, I noticed something. I realized that when you focus the Energy…"
…
"Ahhhhhhh, I'm such an itiotttt!" Gon whimpered, slamming his forehead against a tree over and over again. It didn't hurt, his horns absorbed the force of the impact. It was solely for the purpose of being dramatic.
With a helpless groan of exasperation, Gon sat down against the base of the tree. He had caught some fish for their breakfast, but they couldn't just eat fish, he needed to find something to compliment it! He could never serve Killua plain fish! Never!
But his problem was that he couldn't focus on finding the perfect food for Killua because the only thing on his mind was Killua!
It was getting worse. These feelings, they were getting so much stronger.
"Killua, I…"
Gon clenched his hand against his chest. It felt like his heart was gonna explode. This was so impossible.
Training with Killua. Standing side by side as they increased their strength in battle. They'd spar together, slowly exchanging blow after blow as they mastered Ryu. Killua was so kind. He'd help Gon out, giving him pointers on how to better hold Ko and Ken both at once. On how to better determine how to balance Ryu. It was impossible exchanging blows with him, even just sparring like this. Gon couldn't stand the thought of hurting Killua, even if it was just a practice fight.
During breaks, they'd chatter about whatever or the other. It was just like always, they fit together like two perfectly molded puzzle pieces. Gon could listen to Killua talk for hours. Sometimes he didn't wanna do anything but just sit beside Killua.
Training was hard, but they were in it together. Sure, it wasn't just them anymore, Bisky was there. But every night, when they'd sleep side by side, Gon would feel like they were the only people in the entire world.
He liked Killua… because of his voice. The kindness in his eyes. They way he would always be there for Gon, no matter how hard the situation was. He liked Killua for the way they always just fit, no matter what. He liked Killua for the way he pretended to be all standoffish, trying to conceal how kind he was and how much he cared. It was so adorable, and Gon could always see through his impassive facade.
Gon's chest was so tight, there was a fire burning in his heart. He liked Killua so much that it hurt. There were tears rising up in his eyes. How was Killua like this? How was he so incredible? How did Gon deserve someone like him?
But something still bothered him… he'd always felt this way about Killua. It wasn't like these feelings towards him were out of the ordinary. That's what he'd always liked about Killua when they were friends. It was just now he was so much more sensitive, so much more aware.
He… he noticed Killua's body. His heart sped up in his chest when Killua would look at him. He'd get flustered when Killua would brush up against him, he ached in the middle of the night. His fists trembled as he held himself back. He just wanted to kiss Killua. Hug him. Drown him in attention. He wanted to show Killua why he was the only one in the world who mattered to Gon. If everyone else were to die, just like that, then Gon would remain happy.
As long as Killua was here, he'd always be happy.
But what did all that mean? How could he have these heartfelt emotions toward Killua, yet still want to pin him down? He wanted to feel Killua's body, he wanted to see his face when Gon made him squirm. He wanted to make Killua beg, he wanted to make him scream. Gon wanted to… he wanted to get as close to Killua as he possibly could. He wanted to bury himself beneath Killua's body, so that nothing else in the world would matter but him.
How could those two things match up? How could those two sides of this nest of emotions possibly be one in the same? Wasn't this drive, this need, wasn't it wrong? Wasn't it dirty and bad? He's always felt these fluffy feelings about Killua… he'd always thought these warm thoughts. It had been the same when they were friends, only now they were enough to make Gon whimper. Blush. Squirm underneath the blankets.
Here Gon was, thinking these awful dirty things about Killua. How was it that he could think such soft and beautiful thoughts about Killua's smile… yet still want to twist it into a grimace of needy desperation?
Killua had shared his everything with Gon. Gon had seen Killua at his worst, at his darkest. And Gon had yelled at him. Pushed him away. But Killua was still here. He still trusted Gon, after all those awful things Gon had done…
How could Killua trust Gon like this, when he was thinking these awful things? How could Killua still look at him with those kind eyes… when Gon at the same time was thinking about losing himself in Killua's body. Just like when he'd worked at the brothel.
Killua had no idea, no idea! Of all the terrible things Gon had done. Gon might as well have been lying… No, he was lying! Concealing the truth was no better than lying!
How could Killua trust him in this way if he didn't even know about Gon's failure? His weakness? Killua trusted Gon because he thought that Gon was good, but in reality Gon was worse than Killua ever was. Killua hadn't failed his friends… Killua hadn't sold his soul to drugs and sin.
Killua hadn't… lost someone so precious.
Killua didn't even know Kite existed.
Gon never talked about it… because he was terrified of what other people would think. He was so scared to say anything, because if other people knew, then Gon couldn't just continue on pretending that it had never happened, now could he? There would always be that looming knowledge that other people knew.
That there knew what he had done, and at the same time saw him being this happy.
How did Gon… deserve to be this happy? When he'd failed Kite like that?
How did Gon… deserve… Killua?
He didn't. Not with everything that had happened. Not with everything he had failed to do.
