Breakfast the next morning was a quiet affair. None of the four people
around the table had slept well the night before. Rory kept her eyes
focused on her plate, too ashamed to even look at her family. Nothing her
mother or grandparents said could convince her otherwise. After thanking
her parents for letting them stay and promising to be in touch soon,
Lorelai managed to get a unresponsive Rory into the car and headed for
home. For the first time in Gilmore history the ride was completely
silent. Both Rory and Lorelai were lost in their own thoughts and neither
one of them turned on the radio. It wasn't until they pulled into the
driveway that Lorelai finally spoke.
"Well we have two options: one, go to Luke's for coffee and try to live our lives or two, hide in the house and accomplish nothing."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Rory, I know you're scared and hurting and embarrassed right now but you can't just give up your life. If you do that, he wins." Rory's head snapped around when Lorelai said this. "I'm not going to force you to do anything but will you at least think about it?"
"I can't." The words were an anguished whisper. "I can't face Jess. What am I going to say to him? What will he say to me? I can't do it."
For what seemed like the millionth time in the last 12 hours, Lorelai felt her heart break. "Are you going to avoid him forever? It's been over a month since you've seen him. I was beginning to think that you'd broken up."
"What if he hates me?"
"You know him better than I do. Do you really think Jess will hold this against you?"
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Nothing I thought I knew fits. It's like I have to reconstruct my world with half the pieces missing and still come out with a whole."
"Only you bring fractions into a serious discussion."
"And only you make jokes in the middle of serious discussions!" Lorelai looked away, chagrined. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I just- I've been holding this inside for so long that I'm not sure I know how to let it out. Or that I even want to. And there's another problem. If I keep the baby, everyone around here will think Jess got me pregnant. It won't matter that he didn't or that I tell people it wasn't him. He'll still get blamed, just like after the car accident. I can't do that to him. And as far as coffee goes, the smell is enough to make me start puking. I'm not going near Luke's."
"First, I don't think you make any kind of decision based on what happened with the car accident. That was over a year ago and Jess has developed a better reputation. Second, something this serious isn't going to be twisted around. I can't think a person in this town that would believe you lied about being raped just to protect your boyfriend. Think about it, can you see Taylor or Patty or Mrs. Kim buying into that?" Rory shook her head. "Third, in regards to keeping everything inside yourself I'm going to give you one piece of advice and you do whatever you want with it. You inherited my terrible habit for trying to do everything yourself. You are just like me in that respect. But I'm telling you babe, it's a hard road to take. I'm still learning that lesson. Occasionally, you need to let people in and be able to lean on them a little. That's all. I'm going to go down to Luke's. I need coffee." They both got out of the car and Rory headed up the front walk, fumbling with her keys.
"Mom?"
"Yes sweetie?"
"Could you ask Jess to come by? Tell him I really need to talk to him."
Lorelai smiled with relief. "Sure. I'll even offer to pitch in behind the counter to make sure he can get away." Rory went into the house and Lorelai headed for the diner.
*************
Luke didn't like the look in Lorelai's eye when she walked into the diner that morning. It wasn't her usual 'I must have coffee or I'll talk your ear off' look. That look he knew how to deal with. Hand her the vile liquid and walk away. This look was different and he couldn't define it. The closest he could come was 'shell-shocked'. Even more confusing, she went directly over to Jess and started talking to him in a fairly urgent tone of voice. Unfortunately, they were too far away to be overheard.
"Hey Luke, I have to go," Jess was already taking off his apron as he spoke.
"It's the middle of your shift and we're busy. You aren't going anywhere."
"I'll explain later." And he was out the door. Exasperated, Luke turned his attention to Lorelai.
"What the hell was that about?"
"It's a long story. Short version is that Rory needed to talk to him. I'll help you out until he gets back." Before he could protest, she was behind the counter and clearing plates that Jess had abandoned.
"Lorelai." She turned to face him and the look on her face knocked all protests out of his mouth. Whatever was going on was big and probably not good. "What happened?"
"This isn't the time. You have diner full of customers that want food and they can't be ignored." With that she grabbed the coffee pot and went to do refills.
"Oh yes they can." He raised his voice so all the customers could hear him. "Did you hear that? For the next ten minutes Caesar's on his own back there, behave yourselves." With that he pried the coffee pot out of Lorelai's hand and pulled her up to the apartment. "Talk. Now."
"Look, you really don't have to do this."
"Something bad has happened and probably to Rory judging by the way Jess shot out of here. Not to mention the fact that I haven't heard one demand for coffee since you walked in or any of your so-called wit."
"Rory's pregnant."
Luke blinked. "I didn't mean to start cracking jokes now."
"I'm not joking." She wandered over to look out the window. "I never knew what a great view you had up here." She turned back around to face him. "Looks like I get the 'Grandma' title sooner than I thought."
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to tear him apart with my bare hands the second I see him." Luke was livid. Jess had sworn he wasn't going to hurt Rory and look what had happened. What he couldn't figure out was why Lorelai hadn't come charging in with a gun earlier. "Just when I start thinking that he's on the right track, this happens. I knew something was wrong."
"You don't know the half of it. It wasn't Jess."
"You aren't making any sense. And would you quit staring out the window? The key to understanding the universe isn't on Taylor's roof." Luke grabbed her arm and forced her to sit down. "Now, would you just tell me what the hell is going on? Is this some bad joke you cooked up? Cause it ain't funny."
She let out a short, caustic laugh. "I wish it was a joke. About a month ago Rory went to a party, someone slipped something in her drink and now she's pregnant. She has no idea who the SOB that did this to her might be and I don't know how to help her." Lorelai felt herself slipping into rant mode and forcibly shut her mouth. "So that's why Jess shot out of here like he did. She's telling him what happened to her right now and probably trying to break up with him while she's at it. She's convinced that when word gets out about her condition, he'll be blamed no matter what she says. When he comes back in a mood, that's the reason. I'm really sorry."
"Don't apologize." The words were automatic. Luke couldn't even begin to get his mind around what Lorelai had just told him. He didn't want to. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"I don't know. It's incredibly unfair of me to have dumped this on you in the first place. I just thought you ought to have some warning for when Jess gets back I can't imagine what his mood is going to be."
"I can. Ready to kill someone."
"That's about where I am now. Except I don't have a target. Whoever did this to her will probably never know all the damage he caused. His life goes on while Rory's gets screwed all to hell for something that wasn't her fault. She didn't do anything wrong and she's the one getting punished for it. No matter what she decided to do, her life is never going to be the same." Lorelai felt very old all of sudden and tired. "She doesn't deserve this."
"Oh man. I don't even know what to say here. How's she holding up?"
Another bitter laugh. "About to collapse at any moment. She's angry, hurting, and scared to death. Along with ashamed for no good reason and extremely embarrassed. She's terrified of anyone finding out what happened. For some reason she feels like it's her fault. She was convinced I was going to be furious and that her grandparents would be worse."
Luke set a cup of the coffee he'd been working on down in front of Lorelai and joined her at the table. "Do your parents know?"
She nodded. "Mom had noticed how depressed Rory had become and asked her about it last night at dinner. Rory denied that anything was wrong, then started to cry and ran off. I followed and the whole story came out. Mom was lurking at the door and heard the whole thing. I thought she was going to have a stroke. Luckily both she and Dad aren't blaming Rory."
"Well how could they? This mess certainly isn't her fault."
"I know. I will say that about my parents, they don't assign blame where it isn't due." Lorelai glanced at the clock and jumped up. "I didn't realize how long I'd been up here. Poor Caesar must be going nuts. Sorry about this." Her coffee cup hit the sink and she was halfway out the door before Luke could argue with her.
"Hey, wait!"
"Luke you have a business to run and I need to go home. Thank you for the coffee. If Jess doesn't show soon, give me a call and I'll help out until he gets back."
"Look, Lorelai if you ever want to talk, my ears are open okay. Any time. And don't worry about Jess. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself."
She smiled at him, a real smile not the twisted one she'd had before. "Thank you." She turned to leave again, then stopped. "Listen, Rory's really embarrassed about this whole thing and you know how fast gossip spreads around this town-"
"I won't say anything. Do you want to take some coffee back for her?"
"No, she said the smell of it makes her nauseous. The joys of pregnancy. Thank you though. Call me if Jess doesn't show up." And she was out the door. Luke stayed upstairs for a few more minutes, trying to process all the new information he'd been given. However Caesar yelled upstairs that he needed help before Luke could get anywhere. He'd have to do this later.
*********************
The house was quiet when Lorelai walked in. Rory was in her bedroom, as she had been for most of the summer and Jess was nowhere in sight. When Lorelai looked in on Rory, she was curled on her bed and fast asleep. After covering her daughter with a blanket, Lorelai closed the door and went into the living room to think. She hadn't really had time to process everything.
Rory had been raped. She was pregnant with that bastards' baby. Lorelai felt herself getting nauseous at the thought. Her daughter, her baby, had been- she cut the thought off. That path would lead to homicidal anger and that would accomplish nothing because she had no target to kill which was massively unfair because she really wanted to cause that SOB pain. How dare he do that to her daughter? Rory hadn't done a thing in her life to deserve this kind of punishment. She was a good student, a loving daughter and granddaughter, a wonderful, decent person who had a golden life ahead of her. She'd worked her butt off to get into Chilton and from there into Ivy League schools. She'd never come out and said it but Lorelai knew her daughter was determined to have the future her mother should have had. She wasn't going to repeat Lorelai's mistakes. While one part of Lorelai felt offended that Rory should consider herself a mistake, another, bigger part of her was jumping for joy. She had a smart kid, one who knew way more than Lorelai had at that age and thought with her brain, not her hormones. And at the same time, Rory hadn't ignored her hormones entirely. She'd allowed herself a healthy social life but not one that would jeopardize her future. She'd been so smart, so careful and what happened? Some punk kid decided for whatever reasons to rape her and in one instant undo all of Rory's hard work and careful planning. It wasn't fair!!
"Mom, why did you keep me?"
Rory's quiet question caused Lorelai to leap off the couch with a yell of shock. "What?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." She turned to leave but Lorelai stopped her.
"Don't apologize. You have every right to ask that question, especially now. You wouldn't have asked if you didn't want to know. Come on, sit down and we'll talk about this." She patted the sofa and motioned for Rory to sit.
Almost reluctantly Rory joined her mother on the couch and snuggled up in the blanket folded over the back of it. Once they were both comfortable, Lorelai got the ball rolling. "You want to know why I didn't have an abortion or place you for adoption. Right?" She got a nod in return. "And I'm assuming you're asking this so that you can make an informed decision about your own circumstances." Another nod. "Well I give you credit for asking the hard questions."
"You don't have to answer. I shouldn't have asked." Only Lorelai's restraining hand kept Rory from bolting off the couch.
"Honey, it's okay to ask these things. You have a right to know about this stuff, even if current events weren't what they were."
"How come you don't say 'pregnant'? You keep saying 'current events' or 'your circumstances'. Are you ashamed of me?" Rory willed away the tears pricking her eyes. She cried at the drop of a hat these days and it was beginning to irritate her to no end.
"I'm sorry. That's a horrible habit your grandmother used on me, right until the day I put her hand on my stomach to feel you kicking and said that you were a baby, not a circumstance. I didn't even realize I was doing it to you." Lorelai rearranged the blanket so that it covered both of them. It was a little chilly in the house. "Back to your original question, that decision was the hardest one I ever had to make and it took me the better part of a month. I'd be lying if I said I never considered the other options. I didn't tell anyone about you until after I'd made up my mind. I didn't want anyone else to influence my choice."
"So why did you keep me? Wouldn't it have been easier to have an abortion and be done with it? No one would ever have known unless you decided to tell them. Why on earth did you become a teen mom?"
"I kept you because I thought it was the right thing to do. At the time, I thought I was in love with your dad and in my mind you were the physical result of that love. I realize that phrase is incredible cheesy but it's true. I know now that I had mistaken hormones for love but I didn't realize it then. An abortion would have been too easy and in my mind, it was the shameful way out. I was not then and have never for one second been ashamed of you. As for adoption, it was just too hard for me to even think about. That is a great, workable, completely selfless option for some women but not for me. There was no way I could carry a baby for nine months, go through hell to deliver her and then give her away. Maybe it was a selfish choice on my part, but it's the one I made. I do know that I have never, ever regretted my choice to keep you."
"So you think I should keep the baby?"
Lorelai smiled sadly. "I didn't say that. My reasoning worked for ME, at that point in MY life, under MY particular circumstances. YOU have to listen to YOUR own brain and YOUR own heart and make your own choice here. I can't tell you what to do. I wish I could, but I can't. However, I can tell you that I will support any decision you make 100%."
Despite her best efforts, the tears were slowly leaking down Rory's cheeks. "I hate this. I shouldn't have to do this. How can other people have so much control over my life? Some asshole thinks spiking my drink and raping me is a good idea and I bet it never crossed his mind what it would do to me. That MY life has been changed forever, for HIS fun. I can't undo this. I'm pregnant and nothing, whether I abort or give it up or keep it, will ever change the fact that I'm a mom and I have a child and I didn't get a choice in this! I did everything right. I studied hard and got good grades and got into a good college so that I could have a good life and live out the dreams I've nurtured for years. I didn't do anything wrong and I'm being punished anyway! How am I supposed to live my life now?!" For the 59 millionth time in the last month and a half, Rory dissolved in tears.
"Honey it's going to be okay." Lorelai held her daughter close and tried to offer what comfort she could, when in reality she had no idea what to do or say. "Everything will work out."
"I don't see how it ever could."
'Then I want you to keep something in mind: first, what happened to you was horrible and degrading and no woman should have to go through that. But it wasn't your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You went to a party and drank a soda. That's all. I'm not angry with you or ashamed of you, and neither are your grandparents. Second, you are a strong, smart young woman who doesn't know how to fail. I have every confidence that the choice you ultimately make will be the right one for you and that you will do your absolute best with what you have to work with. Third, I love you and nothing will ever, ever change that. And fourth, no matter what you decide I will support you a hundred percent."
Rory didn't respond. Instead she leaned against her mother and forced herself to relax a little. Lorelai felt some of the tension dissipate and said a silent 'thank you'. Rory had been so stressed that Lorelai was being to worry she'd have a stroke. The silence settled over the room for so long that Lorelai thought Rory had fallen asleep.
"My eyes are going to fall out if I keep crying like this," Rory said ruefully as she reached for the tissues.
"At the very least, we'll have that indoor pool we always wanted, right here in our living room. We'll have to replace the furniture with pool toys."
"And then we can charge people to swim in January. Taylor will have to organize a new festival, just for our pool."
"And now we have a legitimate reason to have a pool boy named Juan. This is sounding better and better. In fact, it's the new house policy." Lorelai stood up with a groan and stretched. "You must cry at all times to form our new pool."
Rory laughed, then clapped a hand to her mouth and bolted for the bathroom. She emerged a few minutes later a good deal paler. "I hate this. Nothing stays down until at least noon and I can't stand the smell of coffee. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wake up without the holy liquid?"
"You forget, I had to give up when you were in the oven." Lorelai started re-folding the couch blanket.
"How did you survive?"
"I just became really crabby and cranky for the whole nine months. Thank God you came early; your grandparents were ready to kill me. By the way, just how did your talk with Jess go?"
"Well we have two options: one, go to Luke's for coffee and try to live our lives or two, hide in the house and accomplish nothing."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Rory, I know you're scared and hurting and embarrassed right now but you can't just give up your life. If you do that, he wins." Rory's head snapped around when Lorelai said this. "I'm not going to force you to do anything but will you at least think about it?"
"I can't." The words were an anguished whisper. "I can't face Jess. What am I going to say to him? What will he say to me? I can't do it."
For what seemed like the millionth time in the last 12 hours, Lorelai felt her heart break. "Are you going to avoid him forever? It's been over a month since you've seen him. I was beginning to think that you'd broken up."
"What if he hates me?"
"You know him better than I do. Do you really think Jess will hold this against you?"
"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Nothing I thought I knew fits. It's like I have to reconstruct my world with half the pieces missing and still come out with a whole."
"Only you bring fractions into a serious discussion."
"And only you make jokes in the middle of serious discussions!" Lorelai looked away, chagrined. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I just- I've been holding this inside for so long that I'm not sure I know how to let it out. Or that I even want to. And there's another problem. If I keep the baby, everyone around here will think Jess got me pregnant. It won't matter that he didn't or that I tell people it wasn't him. He'll still get blamed, just like after the car accident. I can't do that to him. And as far as coffee goes, the smell is enough to make me start puking. I'm not going near Luke's."
"First, I don't think you make any kind of decision based on what happened with the car accident. That was over a year ago and Jess has developed a better reputation. Second, something this serious isn't going to be twisted around. I can't think a person in this town that would believe you lied about being raped just to protect your boyfriend. Think about it, can you see Taylor or Patty or Mrs. Kim buying into that?" Rory shook her head. "Third, in regards to keeping everything inside yourself I'm going to give you one piece of advice and you do whatever you want with it. You inherited my terrible habit for trying to do everything yourself. You are just like me in that respect. But I'm telling you babe, it's a hard road to take. I'm still learning that lesson. Occasionally, you need to let people in and be able to lean on them a little. That's all. I'm going to go down to Luke's. I need coffee." They both got out of the car and Rory headed up the front walk, fumbling with her keys.
"Mom?"
"Yes sweetie?"
"Could you ask Jess to come by? Tell him I really need to talk to him."
Lorelai smiled with relief. "Sure. I'll even offer to pitch in behind the counter to make sure he can get away." Rory went into the house and Lorelai headed for the diner.
*************
Luke didn't like the look in Lorelai's eye when she walked into the diner that morning. It wasn't her usual 'I must have coffee or I'll talk your ear off' look. That look he knew how to deal with. Hand her the vile liquid and walk away. This look was different and he couldn't define it. The closest he could come was 'shell-shocked'. Even more confusing, she went directly over to Jess and started talking to him in a fairly urgent tone of voice. Unfortunately, they were too far away to be overheard.
"Hey Luke, I have to go," Jess was already taking off his apron as he spoke.
"It's the middle of your shift and we're busy. You aren't going anywhere."
"I'll explain later." And he was out the door. Exasperated, Luke turned his attention to Lorelai.
"What the hell was that about?"
"It's a long story. Short version is that Rory needed to talk to him. I'll help you out until he gets back." Before he could protest, she was behind the counter and clearing plates that Jess had abandoned.
"Lorelai." She turned to face him and the look on her face knocked all protests out of his mouth. Whatever was going on was big and probably not good. "What happened?"
"This isn't the time. You have diner full of customers that want food and they can't be ignored." With that she grabbed the coffee pot and went to do refills.
"Oh yes they can." He raised his voice so all the customers could hear him. "Did you hear that? For the next ten minutes Caesar's on his own back there, behave yourselves." With that he pried the coffee pot out of Lorelai's hand and pulled her up to the apartment. "Talk. Now."
"Look, you really don't have to do this."
"Something bad has happened and probably to Rory judging by the way Jess shot out of here. Not to mention the fact that I haven't heard one demand for coffee since you walked in or any of your so-called wit."
"Rory's pregnant."
Luke blinked. "I didn't mean to start cracking jokes now."
"I'm not joking." She wandered over to look out the window. "I never knew what a great view you had up here." She turned back around to face him. "Looks like I get the 'Grandma' title sooner than I thought."
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to tear him apart with my bare hands the second I see him." Luke was livid. Jess had sworn he wasn't going to hurt Rory and look what had happened. What he couldn't figure out was why Lorelai hadn't come charging in with a gun earlier. "Just when I start thinking that he's on the right track, this happens. I knew something was wrong."
"You don't know the half of it. It wasn't Jess."
"You aren't making any sense. And would you quit staring out the window? The key to understanding the universe isn't on Taylor's roof." Luke grabbed her arm and forced her to sit down. "Now, would you just tell me what the hell is going on? Is this some bad joke you cooked up? Cause it ain't funny."
She let out a short, caustic laugh. "I wish it was a joke. About a month ago Rory went to a party, someone slipped something in her drink and now she's pregnant. She has no idea who the SOB that did this to her might be and I don't know how to help her." Lorelai felt herself slipping into rant mode and forcibly shut her mouth. "So that's why Jess shot out of here like he did. She's telling him what happened to her right now and probably trying to break up with him while she's at it. She's convinced that when word gets out about her condition, he'll be blamed no matter what she says. When he comes back in a mood, that's the reason. I'm really sorry."
"Don't apologize." The words were automatic. Luke couldn't even begin to get his mind around what Lorelai had just told him. He didn't want to. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"I don't know. It's incredibly unfair of me to have dumped this on you in the first place. I just thought you ought to have some warning for when Jess gets back I can't imagine what his mood is going to be."
"I can. Ready to kill someone."
"That's about where I am now. Except I don't have a target. Whoever did this to her will probably never know all the damage he caused. His life goes on while Rory's gets screwed all to hell for something that wasn't her fault. She didn't do anything wrong and she's the one getting punished for it. No matter what she decided to do, her life is never going to be the same." Lorelai felt very old all of sudden and tired. "She doesn't deserve this."
"Oh man. I don't even know what to say here. How's she holding up?"
Another bitter laugh. "About to collapse at any moment. She's angry, hurting, and scared to death. Along with ashamed for no good reason and extremely embarrassed. She's terrified of anyone finding out what happened. For some reason she feels like it's her fault. She was convinced I was going to be furious and that her grandparents would be worse."
Luke set a cup of the coffee he'd been working on down in front of Lorelai and joined her at the table. "Do your parents know?"
She nodded. "Mom had noticed how depressed Rory had become and asked her about it last night at dinner. Rory denied that anything was wrong, then started to cry and ran off. I followed and the whole story came out. Mom was lurking at the door and heard the whole thing. I thought she was going to have a stroke. Luckily both she and Dad aren't blaming Rory."
"Well how could they? This mess certainly isn't her fault."
"I know. I will say that about my parents, they don't assign blame where it isn't due." Lorelai glanced at the clock and jumped up. "I didn't realize how long I'd been up here. Poor Caesar must be going nuts. Sorry about this." Her coffee cup hit the sink and she was halfway out the door before Luke could argue with her.
"Hey, wait!"
"Luke you have a business to run and I need to go home. Thank you for the coffee. If Jess doesn't show soon, give me a call and I'll help out until he gets back."
"Look, Lorelai if you ever want to talk, my ears are open okay. Any time. And don't worry about Jess. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself."
She smiled at him, a real smile not the twisted one she'd had before. "Thank you." She turned to leave again, then stopped. "Listen, Rory's really embarrassed about this whole thing and you know how fast gossip spreads around this town-"
"I won't say anything. Do you want to take some coffee back for her?"
"No, she said the smell of it makes her nauseous. The joys of pregnancy. Thank you though. Call me if Jess doesn't show up." And she was out the door. Luke stayed upstairs for a few more minutes, trying to process all the new information he'd been given. However Caesar yelled upstairs that he needed help before Luke could get anywhere. He'd have to do this later.
*********************
The house was quiet when Lorelai walked in. Rory was in her bedroom, as she had been for most of the summer and Jess was nowhere in sight. When Lorelai looked in on Rory, she was curled on her bed and fast asleep. After covering her daughter with a blanket, Lorelai closed the door and went into the living room to think. She hadn't really had time to process everything.
Rory had been raped. She was pregnant with that bastards' baby. Lorelai felt herself getting nauseous at the thought. Her daughter, her baby, had been- she cut the thought off. That path would lead to homicidal anger and that would accomplish nothing because she had no target to kill which was massively unfair because she really wanted to cause that SOB pain. How dare he do that to her daughter? Rory hadn't done a thing in her life to deserve this kind of punishment. She was a good student, a loving daughter and granddaughter, a wonderful, decent person who had a golden life ahead of her. She'd worked her butt off to get into Chilton and from there into Ivy League schools. She'd never come out and said it but Lorelai knew her daughter was determined to have the future her mother should have had. She wasn't going to repeat Lorelai's mistakes. While one part of Lorelai felt offended that Rory should consider herself a mistake, another, bigger part of her was jumping for joy. She had a smart kid, one who knew way more than Lorelai had at that age and thought with her brain, not her hormones. And at the same time, Rory hadn't ignored her hormones entirely. She'd allowed herself a healthy social life but not one that would jeopardize her future. She'd been so smart, so careful and what happened? Some punk kid decided for whatever reasons to rape her and in one instant undo all of Rory's hard work and careful planning. It wasn't fair!!
"Mom, why did you keep me?"
Rory's quiet question caused Lorelai to leap off the couch with a yell of shock. "What?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." She turned to leave but Lorelai stopped her.
"Don't apologize. You have every right to ask that question, especially now. You wouldn't have asked if you didn't want to know. Come on, sit down and we'll talk about this." She patted the sofa and motioned for Rory to sit.
Almost reluctantly Rory joined her mother on the couch and snuggled up in the blanket folded over the back of it. Once they were both comfortable, Lorelai got the ball rolling. "You want to know why I didn't have an abortion or place you for adoption. Right?" She got a nod in return. "And I'm assuming you're asking this so that you can make an informed decision about your own circumstances." Another nod. "Well I give you credit for asking the hard questions."
"You don't have to answer. I shouldn't have asked." Only Lorelai's restraining hand kept Rory from bolting off the couch.
"Honey, it's okay to ask these things. You have a right to know about this stuff, even if current events weren't what they were."
"How come you don't say 'pregnant'? You keep saying 'current events' or 'your circumstances'. Are you ashamed of me?" Rory willed away the tears pricking her eyes. She cried at the drop of a hat these days and it was beginning to irritate her to no end.
"I'm sorry. That's a horrible habit your grandmother used on me, right until the day I put her hand on my stomach to feel you kicking and said that you were a baby, not a circumstance. I didn't even realize I was doing it to you." Lorelai rearranged the blanket so that it covered both of them. It was a little chilly in the house. "Back to your original question, that decision was the hardest one I ever had to make and it took me the better part of a month. I'd be lying if I said I never considered the other options. I didn't tell anyone about you until after I'd made up my mind. I didn't want anyone else to influence my choice."
"So why did you keep me? Wouldn't it have been easier to have an abortion and be done with it? No one would ever have known unless you decided to tell them. Why on earth did you become a teen mom?"
"I kept you because I thought it was the right thing to do. At the time, I thought I was in love with your dad and in my mind you were the physical result of that love. I realize that phrase is incredible cheesy but it's true. I know now that I had mistaken hormones for love but I didn't realize it then. An abortion would have been too easy and in my mind, it was the shameful way out. I was not then and have never for one second been ashamed of you. As for adoption, it was just too hard for me to even think about. That is a great, workable, completely selfless option for some women but not for me. There was no way I could carry a baby for nine months, go through hell to deliver her and then give her away. Maybe it was a selfish choice on my part, but it's the one I made. I do know that I have never, ever regretted my choice to keep you."
"So you think I should keep the baby?"
Lorelai smiled sadly. "I didn't say that. My reasoning worked for ME, at that point in MY life, under MY particular circumstances. YOU have to listen to YOUR own brain and YOUR own heart and make your own choice here. I can't tell you what to do. I wish I could, but I can't. However, I can tell you that I will support any decision you make 100%."
Despite her best efforts, the tears were slowly leaking down Rory's cheeks. "I hate this. I shouldn't have to do this. How can other people have so much control over my life? Some asshole thinks spiking my drink and raping me is a good idea and I bet it never crossed his mind what it would do to me. That MY life has been changed forever, for HIS fun. I can't undo this. I'm pregnant and nothing, whether I abort or give it up or keep it, will ever change the fact that I'm a mom and I have a child and I didn't get a choice in this! I did everything right. I studied hard and got good grades and got into a good college so that I could have a good life and live out the dreams I've nurtured for years. I didn't do anything wrong and I'm being punished anyway! How am I supposed to live my life now?!" For the 59 millionth time in the last month and a half, Rory dissolved in tears.
"Honey it's going to be okay." Lorelai held her daughter close and tried to offer what comfort she could, when in reality she had no idea what to do or say. "Everything will work out."
"I don't see how it ever could."
'Then I want you to keep something in mind: first, what happened to you was horrible and degrading and no woman should have to go through that. But it wasn't your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You went to a party and drank a soda. That's all. I'm not angry with you or ashamed of you, and neither are your grandparents. Second, you are a strong, smart young woman who doesn't know how to fail. I have every confidence that the choice you ultimately make will be the right one for you and that you will do your absolute best with what you have to work with. Third, I love you and nothing will ever, ever change that. And fourth, no matter what you decide I will support you a hundred percent."
Rory didn't respond. Instead she leaned against her mother and forced herself to relax a little. Lorelai felt some of the tension dissipate and said a silent 'thank you'. Rory had been so stressed that Lorelai was being to worry she'd have a stroke. The silence settled over the room for so long that Lorelai thought Rory had fallen asleep.
"My eyes are going to fall out if I keep crying like this," Rory said ruefully as she reached for the tissues.
"At the very least, we'll have that indoor pool we always wanted, right here in our living room. We'll have to replace the furniture with pool toys."
"And then we can charge people to swim in January. Taylor will have to organize a new festival, just for our pool."
"And now we have a legitimate reason to have a pool boy named Juan. This is sounding better and better. In fact, it's the new house policy." Lorelai stood up with a groan and stretched. "You must cry at all times to form our new pool."
Rory laughed, then clapped a hand to her mouth and bolted for the bathroom. She emerged a few minutes later a good deal paler. "I hate this. Nothing stays down until at least noon and I can't stand the smell of coffee. Do you have any idea how hard it is to wake up without the holy liquid?"
"You forget, I had to give up when you were in the oven." Lorelai started re-folding the couch blanket.
"How did you survive?"
"I just became really crabby and cranky for the whole nine months. Thank God you came early; your grandparents were ready to kill me. By the way, just how did your talk with Jess go?"
