Author's Notes: Thank you to all the people who left reviews, I always
appreciate the feedback.
As Lorelai had predicted, Jess came back to the diner in a foul mood. He worked the rest of his shift silently, glaring at everyone but saying nothing unnecessary. It was this lack of sarcasm and 'witty' remarks that worried Luke the most. In the time Jess had lived with him, he'd always been able to read the kid's moods by what came out of his mouth. Silence was a new one. The second Jess's shift ended, the teenager shot out the door. Luke could tell he wouldn't be back until after the diner closed.
So he waited and worked and tried to figure out what to say to Jess when came back. This was too big of a thing for nothing to be said but Luke had no idea how to approach the subject. He was still trying to come up with a way when Jess came stomping in.
"Did you know?"
"Know what?" Luke played dumb to try and get a bearing on the situation.
"Don't play dumb. Did you know about Rory?"
"Yes. Lorelai told me right after you left. She wanted to let me know why you'd be pissed off at the world when you came back."
Jess let out a huge sigh and slumped into a chair. "She broke up with me. She said it was the best thing for both of us and that she was sorry. She gets raped and she's apologizing to me."
"How does that make you feel?"
Jess shot his uncle a nasty glare. "Oh, we're going to talk about my feelings now?"
"Well I have to say something to you. God only knows what fun and exciting ways you're going to find to deal with this."
"Cause I'm a delinquent right? Watch out for Jess, you don't know what kind of crap he's gonna pull." He got up and yanked on his coat. "Screw this, I'm going out."
"Sit your ass down. You aren't going anywhere in that mood. And you're right, we are going to talk about your feelings here. You got screwed over Jess. You have this great girl and some asshole decided to mess up her life and by extension yours. Through no fault of your own, you just lost your girlfriend. And you've been doing really well lately. Working two jobs, you have college plans for the fall, you finally have your life together and I won't let you blow it. And if talking about your feelings here keeps you on track, then that's what we're going to do!"
"Feel better now?" Jess still sounded angry but he took the jacket off, something Luke considered a positive sign.
"Not really. She really broke up with you?"
"Yeah." The anger changed to something resembling depression. "She said I didn't deserve her after what happened. And that maybe this way, I won't get blamed for her being pregnant. Nothing I said could change her mind." He stopped talking for a moment, then stood up again. "I'm going to bed."
"Don't do this Jess."
"Relax, would you? I won't do anything stupid. It's just been a long, bad day that I'd like to be over."
********************
Sleep proved elusive that night, no matter what Rory did. Her body was exhausted but her mind was still racing and showed no signs of stopping. Around 4 am she gave up the struggle, left a note for her mother and slipped out of the house into the night.
Stars Hollow during the day was a typical, slightly weird small town that moved at a pace that belied its small size. Small towns had a reputation for being sleepy and slow, but that wasn't true in Stars Hollow. At night though, it was different. The energy of the day melted away, leaving behind a calm, quiet place that looked like it belonged in a story book. When she was little, Rory had thought that at night the town itself became a dream and that if she touched anything it would shatter and vanish, like a bubble. Even now, inner child still thought there might be some truth to the idea.
She ended up at the bridge. She always seemed to end up there when she was upset or scared. Right now she was both. Every time she thought about what was happening to her, she felt the urge to vomit or scream or both. And she couldn't get it out of her mind. No matter what she did or where she was, the 'I was raped and now I'm pregnant' refrain was always in the back of her head. She couldn't get away from it, even when she slept. Every night she dreamed about the baby inside her. Sometimes she had kept it and turned out to be a horrible mother. She resented the child for tying her down at such a young age and preventing her from reaching her dreams. Other times she gave it up for adoption and mourned the rest of her life for the lost son or daughter. Some times the baby died before it was born. The dreams were never good and Rory usually woke up in a cold sweat after having one.
The strangest and most twisted part of this whole nightmare was that half of it was missing. She had no memory of the rape. The last thing she remembered was feeling really dizzy and opening a door in her quest for a bathroom. The next clear image in her mind was Paris's stricken face looming over her and the realization that she wasn't wearing much. Everything in between was gone.
Paris had been wonderful, finding her top and skirt and shoes, not asking any questions. It wasn't until she'd mentioned calling the police that Rory had lost it. Even now she cringed at the memory. She'd insisted that she hadn't been raped, that there was just no way that could have happened. She'd sworn Paris to secrecy and had vowed to forget this entire episode had ever happened. And for about two weeks it worked. She'd gone home, gone to bed and gotten up the next morning as though nothing was wrong. She'd forced herself to follow her regular routine, day after day, burying the memory of that night deeper and deeper. But it wasn't gone and she couldn't make it leave. She knew she was acting strangely, that people were starting to wonder what was wrong with her. Even then she'd continued to deny that anything had happened to her. It wasn't until she had to confront the fact that her period, which had come every 30 days since she was 14, hadn't shown up. Then the nausea started. And she couldn't deny it anymore.
In a way Rory was grateful to her grandmother for pushing the issue. At least now they all knew. Dreading breaking the news had nearly pushed her over the edge, and had prevented her from being able to think about what she was going to do. Now that her family knew, she could begin to think again.
Not that she wanted to. Rory had always prided herself on being able to make difficult, complicated decisions. She would think each choice through, weighing the benefits and drawbacks of each, until she knew what she was going to do or not do. Harvard vs. Yale. Dean vs. Jess. Chilton vs. Stars Hollow High. Each of those decisions had been hard, but she'd ended up making the right one. But what was the right choice here? As she'd said to her mother earlier, this part of her life was never going to fade away, no matter what she did.
As Lorelai had predicted, Jess came back to the diner in a foul mood. He worked the rest of his shift silently, glaring at everyone but saying nothing unnecessary. It was this lack of sarcasm and 'witty' remarks that worried Luke the most. In the time Jess had lived with him, he'd always been able to read the kid's moods by what came out of his mouth. Silence was a new one. The second Jess's shift ended, the teenager shot out the door. Luke could tell he wouldn't be back until after the diner closed.
So he waited and worked and tried to figure out what to say to Jess when came back. This was too big of a thing for nothing to be said but Luke had no idea how to approach the subject. He was still trying to come up with a way when Jess came stomping in.
"Did you know?"
"Know what?" Luke played dumb to try and get a bearing on the situation.
"Don't play dumb. Did you know about Rory?"
"Yes. Lorelai told me right after you left. She wanted to let me know why you'd be pissed off at the world when you came back."
Jess let out a huge sigh and slumped into a chair. "She broke up with me. She said it was the best thing for both of us and that she was sorry. She gets raped and she's apologizing to me."
"How does that make you feel?"
Jess shot his uncle a nasty glare. "Oh, we're going to talk about my feelings now?"
"Well I have to say something to you. God only knows what fun and exciting ways you're going to find to deal with this."
"Cause I'm a delinquent right? Watch out for Jess, you don't know what kind of crap he's gonna pull." He got up and yanked on his coat. "Screw this, I'm going out."
"Sit your ass down. You aren't going anywhere in that mood. And you're right, we are going to talk about your feelings here. You got screwed over Jess. You have this great girl and some asshole decided to mess up her life and by extension yours. Through no fault of your own, you just lost your girlfriend. And you've been doing really well lately. Working two jobs, you have college plans for the fall, you finally have your life together and I won't let you blow it. And if talking about your feelings here keeps you on track, then that's what we're going to do!"
"Feel better now?" Jess still sounded angry but he took the jacket off, something Luke considered a positive sign.
"Not really. She really broke up with you?"
"Yeah." The anger changed to something resembling depression. "She said I didn't deserve her after what happened. And that maybe this way, I won't get blamed for her being pregnant. Nothing I said could change her mind." He stopped talking for a moment, then stood up again. "I'm going to bed."
"Don't do this Jess."
"Relax, would you? I won't do anything stupid. It's just been a long, bad day that I'd like to be over."
********************
Sleep proved elusive that night, no matter what Rory did. Her body was exhausted but her mind was still racing and showed no signs of stopping. Around 4 am she gave up the struggle, left a note for her mother and slipped out of the house into the night.
Stars Hollow during the day was a typical, slightly weird small town that moved at a pace that belied its small size. Small towns had a reputation for being sleepy and slow, but that wasn't true in Stars Hollow. At night though, it was different. The energy of the day melted away, leaving behind a calm, quiet place that looked like it belonged in a story book. When she was little, Rory had thought that at night the town itself became a dream and that if she touched anything it would shatter and vanish, like a bubble. Even now, inner child still thought there might be some truth to the idea.
She ended up at the bridge. She always seemed to end up there when she was upset or scared. Right now she was both. Every time she thought about what was happening to her, she felt the urge to vomit or scream or both. And she couldn't get it out of her mind. No matter what she did or where she was, the 'I was raped and now I'm pregnant' refrain was always in the back of her head. She couldn't get away from it, even when she slept. Every night she dreamed about the baby inside her. Sometimes she had kept it and turned out to be a horrible mother. She resented the child for tying her down at such a young age and preventing her from reaching her dreams. Other times she gave it up for adoption and mourned the rest of her life for the lost son or daughter. Some times the baby died before it was born. The dreams were never good and Rory usually woke up in a cold sweat after having one.
The strangest and most twisted part of this whole nightmare was that half of it was missing. She had no memory of the rape. The last thing she remembered was feeling really dizzy and opening a door in her quest for a bathroom. The next clear image in her mind was Paris's stricken face looming over her and the realization that she wasn't wearing much. Everything in between was gone.
Paris had been wonderful, finding her top and skirt and shoes, not asking any questions. It wasn't until she'd mentioned calling the police that Rory had lost it. Even now she cringed at the memory. She'd insisted that she hadn't been raped, that there was just no way that could have happened. She'd sworn Paris to secrecy and had vowed to forget this entire episode had ever happened. And for about two weeks it worked. She'd gone home, gone to bed and gotten up the next morning as though nothing was wrong. She'd forced herself to follow her regular routine, day after day, burying the memory of that night deeper and deeper. But it wasn't gone and she couldn't make it leave. She knew she was acting strangely, that people were starting to wonder what was wrong with her. Even then she'd continued to deny that anything had happened to her. It wasn't until she had to confront the fact that her period, which had come every 30 days since she was 14, hadn't shown up. Then the nausea started. And she couldn't deny it anymore.
In a way Rory was grateful to her grandmother for pushing the issue. At least now they all knew. Dreading breaking the news had nearly pushed her over the edge, and had prevented her from being able to think about what she was going to do. Now that her family knew, she could begin to think again.
Not that she wanted to. Rory had always prided herself on being able to make difficult, complicated decisions. She would think each choice through, weighing the benefits and drawbacks of each, until she knew what she was going to do or not do. Harvard vs. Yale. Dean vs. Jess. Chilton vs. Stars Hollow High. Each of those decisions had been hard, but she'd ended up making the right one. But what was the right choice here? As she'd said to her mother earlier, this part of her life was never going to fade away, no matter what she did.
