Killua.
Killua was the reason Gon was as he was now. He was aware, he was awake, he was happy, and more importantly than any of that he… he had a purpose. To find Ging, sure, but Gon felt that his true purpose was to be with Killua. To help him save Alluka. To make sure that this incredible person got all the happiness he deserved.
He'd repressed those memories for so long.
Whenever somebody would ask, he'd always give half the story. Leave out crucial details. Bend the truth, in some cases.
But because of that… Gon had repressed what Killua truly meant to him.
Gon hadn't allowed himself to truly appreciate Killua for all he had done.
Killua had changed Gon's life. Literally taken his entire world and flipped it upside down. And Gon had needed that more than he could have ever known. It had taken someone like Killua to show Gon that there were still people out there like Kite…
People that cared for others, and people that proved why humanoid consciousness was even a thing to begin with.
Gon felt that… the world wouldn't still go round without Killua here.
It was incredibly dramatic… and Gon was well aware of what those implications were beginning to prove. He knew where this was going, and Gon didn't care. He'd embrace these feelings. Now that he'd finally remembered… now that he'd finally allowed himself to see just how he'd gotten to this point.
Killua wasn't just Gon's best friend, he was his light.
The light that had chased away his darkness.
Gon had never known true happiness until he'd met Killua. Not on Whale Island. Not when he first entered this world of adventures. Not even when he was training with Kite. And certainly not when he'd immersed himself in that rot of an escapism.
Killua was… everything.
Gon picked himself up, and marched back to their campsite. A fire lit and burning beneath him. If his feelings for Killua had been warm before, now they were a raging inferno.
Now he knows for sure.
His lust for Killua isn't the only thing there. He's not trying to forget about this world through Killua, no, it's the opposite. Through Killua, he's able to really see the world. When Gon's with Killua, it's as if a set of glasses is placed over his eyes, giving him the full view of everything around him.
Killua makes Gon a better person.
Killua shows Gon what it means to truly love…
Just because Gon likes Killua as he always has doesn't mean those romantic feelings aren't there. Gon's strong feelings for Killua are rooted in that friendship, they formed from that pre-existing relationship. Gon will always love Killua as a friend. And because of that he's able to see Killua as so much more.
Because Killua means so much more than a friend.
So much more than a best friend.
Killua's the one. Gon wants Killua to be the only one.
For the first time ever, Gon doesn't see romantic expression as some high level drug. As something to use. Something to help him forget. If he kisses someone, he's not using their body like a drug. If he's making love to someone, they're more than just a body.
Because that someone isn't just someone, that person is Killua.
And Killua will never be just some body, just some object.
He never has been, and he never will be.
Gon understands now.
He can't believe he let his fears taint his vision. Now, remembering what he'd been obsessing over these past four months? It makes him laugh. That time is behind him, how could Killua ever be just like all the others? He's not! He never was! Gon was just tentative, afraid to embrace what he was feeling; and more importantly, afraid to unearth all those memories.
Gon climbs up onto where they've made their camp.
And when he does… he's blinded by a fantastical light.
Killua…
Gon finds himself frozen up for a moment. He just… he just… he can't. His chest lurches, tears prick at the corners of his eyes. He grips his fist over his heart, which feels like it'll burst.
There he sits, the center of Gon's entire universe.
Looking at Killua now, after finally making this connection, Gon feels like he's looking at him for the first time.
Killua is sitting across from Bisky at their rock-table. His clothes are ratty and dirty from constant training, but Gon doesn't care. Killua could wear a trash can and he'd be the most beautiful thing in existence.
His silvery hair sparkles in the light of the early morning sun, his skin glows in the buttery warm light that peeks around the side of the mountain. His eyes are deeper than any ocean, the only true color blue. He's lean, corded with muscle. Years of training and centuries of carefully bred power lie within those veins.
He's incredible. He's the picture of perfection.
Gon's never been particularly religious, and now he knows why.
Killua is the only one god he'll ever worship.
He's been through so much, seen so many horrible things… yet he still sits there with that smile. That smile, delicate in its spectacular beauty. That smile is the most fragile and the most precious of all things. That smile is worth more than gold, worth more than Gon's own life.
The tattoos that stretch across his skin… caging his wings inside of his own body. They're a mural. A testament to all that Killua is, all that he means. The thorns show all that he's been through, all that he's overcome. They highlight his beauty, pop against his skin, making him look like some dreamed up character. To perfect to grace this earth.
How could he possibly be real?
How is Gon seeing him right here, right now?
How does Gon deserve this moment, this unconditional happiness?
He doesn't, not by a long shot. And that's just what makes Killua what he is in Gon's eyes.
Life.
The will to live.
The law that Gon lives by.
Gon brings himself to his feet, and walks across their campsite. Slowly at first, but soon he drops the basket of fish and takes off at a run.
Killua pauses in his conversation with Bisky, and glances over at Gon.
When Gon's eyes meet that endless sapphire gaze…
Oh, now he understands.
If Killua could see into Gon's mind at that very moment, he'd see a spectacular show. The explosion of a million fireworks, the entire world set ablaze in a beautiful catastrophe. Gon falling from its destroyed surface, tumbling through the sky. Stuck in a freefall for all eternity.
It's a skyfall.
The entire sky is falling, and all that's left is Killua.
The silver haired boy gives pause, watching Gon sprint at him in confusion. Then he grins, laughs, and stands up. He walks forward, and holds his arms out. He knows what Gon's coming over here for. That's it. Gon starts crying.
Gon slams into Killua's embrace so hard that they almost fall. Killua catches him, spinning him around to preserve their balance. Gon clings to Killua's shoulders, legs held up and off the ground. He squeezes Killua so hard he's certain the Valkyrie can't breathe, but this angel of a person doesn't complain one bit.
"What's this for?" Killua asks, a chuckle in his voice.
I love you.
"Thank you," Gon exclaims.
I love you I love you I love you.
"Thank you for being alive."
