Since the day she'd broken up with him, Rory hadn't seen Jess. She
didn't return his phone calls, respond to his letters and emails, and
pretended not to be home when he came by the house looking for her. She
thought he'd finally given up. She was wrong. "Jess."
"Rory." He got up from where he was sitting on the front steps, standing awkwardly the way he had done that long ago day at Sookie's wedding. Unsure of himself, uncomfortable but unable to stay away or flee.
She saw his eyes flick down and take in the swollen belly that her overalls no longer hid. Her first instinct was to cover her stomach with her hands and try to hide but she forced the impulse back. Her conversations with Dr. Riley were slowly getting her accept the baby as a part of her life. Besides, he'd already seen it. Rory kept her hands where they were, at her side. "How are you Jess?"
"I'm all right." He was standing in front of her now, looking like he wanted to reach out and touch her. Rory took a tactful step back. "I started classes at the community college."
"That's good." Rory lowered herself on the steps and bit back the sigh of relief. Her ankles had been bothering her lately. "Do you have a favorite?"
"English literature, I think. We've been talking about Edmund Spencer and Thomas Moore. I'm thinking I might want to major in Lit." The topic was safe, neutral. There was no delving into the past, at least not yet. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fat and crazy." Rory had no idea where the words came from and clapped a hand over mouth in horror the moment they escaped. "Sorry. 'I'm all right' is what I meant to say."
Jess shot his patented 'I smell bullshit' look at her. "And Taylor's throwing my next birthday party. Truth Rory."
She sighed, not wanting to go into it but not having the mental energy to lie. "Mom dragged me to a physiatrist about a month ago and I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. I can't take medication because of Thumper here so now I'm in therapy two days a week. Hence, the crazy."
"Thumper?" Jess took the easy question first.
Rory explained about the baby's nickname, drawing a soft chuckle from Jess. "The fat is pretty self explanatory."
"You don't look that bad. Kind of softer and rounder now than you used to."
"That's because I'm only in my sixth month. I'm going to get a lot bigger before this is over."
Jess shifted uncomfortably at this frank mention of pregnancy, but still asked the question that weighed on his mind. "Do you know what you're going to do?"
"No. I keep thinking about keeping it but I can't seem to come to a clear decision." Rory shivered slightly, both from the cooling evening air and the topic of conversation. "What are you doing here Jess?"
"I miss you. I still don't understand why you broke up with me." No more sliding around the hard topics.
Rory let out a bitter laugh. "We just finished discussing the reason. I have cause to be fat Jess; this isn't my lifetime diet of junk food and coffee catching up with me. I'm pregnant, with a baby that isn't yours. I think that's a damn good reason to break up."
"But it's not like you cheated on me. You can't help that any of this happened. So why punish both you and me when neither of us did anything wrong?"
"What if I keep the baby Jess? Is that what you want? A screaming infant around 24/7? A girlfriend who can't ever put you first? Who's damaged goods on top of being an unwed mother? *I* wouldn't want that and I won't subject you to it. You're better off without me Jess. Go find someone else, someone who hasn't screwed her life all to hell. I won't drag you down with me." Rory hauled herself to her feet and headed back into the house. She didn't want Jess to see her tears. "Go home. Forget about me."
**************************************************************************** ***********
"Mom I am not going to explain it again. Jess and I are over. I thought you'd be happy. You haven't exactly been a member of the Jess fan club."
"The kid grew on me. And you're making a mistake Rory. Hand me another trash bag, would you?" The two women were cleaning out Lorelai's closet, which was threatening to explode from overcrowding. Despite all past protests against getting rid of clothing, Lorelai had finally conceded that her closet was too full. "Don't cut yourself off from the people that care about you."
"I'm not. I'm thinking of Jess's best interests here. He's worked very, very hard to get where he is and I won't be responsible for dragging him down."
"Just for breaking his heart, huh?"
"That's low." Rory ducked her head so that her mother wouldn't see that the words had stung. "And that's my shirt you're giving to Goodwill."
"You haven't worn it in two years. Jess is a big boy and he can think for himself. He knows about the baby. He knows what he's trying to get himself into and he loves you. Why can't you accept that?"
"How can he know what he's getting into? *I* don't know what's going to happen when Thumper's born. I can't sort out one feeling from another these days, not without breaking down in tears or feeling like I want to rip someone's head off. I'm not comfortable being involved with anyone right now. I just can't handle it. And who are you to be pushing this subject anyway? You didn't start dating until I was 11."
"That's actually my point. Do you want to spend the next twelve years lonely? Kids are wonderful but it's a long time before they make good companions."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. This bag's full." Rory tied it closed and reached for another. "How much is left to sort though?"
"Shoes, sweaters and dresses."
"This is the never-ending task." Rory added her full bag to the pile by the door. "How have you accumulated this much clothing?"
"Very carefully my dear. I haven't thrown anything away since 1985." They continued to work for a few more minutes, neither one speaking until Lorelai broke the silence. "Your grandparents called yesterday, about Thanksgiving."
"I'm not going."
"You haven't even heard what the plans are yet."
"A dinner party at Grandma's, with a bunch of her and Grandpa's friends who'll make polite chit-chat all evening while discreetly staring at my stomach and gossiping about me unmercifully on their way home. Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful holiday."
"Actually, Grandpa managed to get tickets to the Macy's grandstand. We've been invited to join them in New York for the weekend. Grandma's already booked rooms at the Carlyle."
"I still don't want to go."
"Bull. You've wanted to see that parade live since you were six years old. There is no good reason for you stay home. This time I put my foot down: we're going."
"Why?"
Lorelai sighed. Her wonderful daughter had been taken over by this surly, argumentative pod person. When would the real Rory return? "Because it's a generous invitation. Because there is no good reason to say no. Because you're in danger of turning into a hermit. Because I'm finally getting along rather well with my parents the way you've bugging me to for years. Take your pick and make sure you bring a nice outfit. I know we'll be eating in at least one fancy restaurant."
"You can't make me go."
"How old are you? 'You can't make me' is the response of a five-year- old. Thanksgiving in New York: the parade, some shopping, a show and a couple of nice dinners. If we're lucky, maybe it'll snow for us and make everything pretty."
Rory sighed. "You won't let me of this will you?"
"I cannot make you go but I can say that *you* will explain to the Gilmores why you aren't present for the holiday. You want to stay home, you can but know that I *am* going and I will not be responsible for making any excuses for you." Lorelai kept her voice light, as if she was chatting about a party. She figured that sounding angry would just make it harder to convince Rory to make a Thanksgiving appearance.
"All right, all right. I'll go." Rory threw another pair of shoes into her garbage bag. "When are you hauling all this stuff to Goodwill?"
"Tomorrow evening while you're at your appointment."
"Okay." Rory tied the last bag shut, then stood to stretch. Her back was stiff. "How did you accumulate so much junk?"
"Bite your tongue. This is not *junk*." Lorelai looked at the mound of filled bags. "I haven't thrown away anything since 1985. Most of this stuff are *classics*."
"At least the less fortunate will benefit from your pronounced pack- rat tendencies."
**************************************************************************** *********
"So what would be the worst thing to happen over Thanksgiving?" Dr. Riley asked the next evening. "You're obviously very worried."
"Grandma and Grandpa treating me weird. Or Mom fighting with them all weekend." The answers were automatic.
"What about people seeing you and commenting on the pregnancy? You've said several times that you feel concerned about people noticing your condition."
"I'm not really thinking about that. I just don't want to spend a long weekend listening to Mom bicker with my grandparents. I can't make an easy escape the way I can at home."
"I'm hearing concerns about your family but nothing about being seen in public while visibly pregnant. Yet, you still refuse to go out at home. That's a lot of conflict in your behavior patterns."
"People know me in Stars Hollow. In New York I'll be anonymous."
"Do you believe people at home will judge you?"
"I don't know!" The words exploded in a painful burst. "I don't think so but-"
"What?"
"What if they do?" An anguished whisper. "What if Jess gets blamed? What if they think I lied about being raped, just to protect him? What if they start whispering behind my back, about how I'm a slut or a whore or something? I love Stars Hollow. I couldn't stand not being able to live there the way I do now."
"But you don't trust the other people in the town, the same people you profess to love living around. Does anyone there know what was done to you?"
"A few. Mom, obviously. Her friend Sookie and probably Sookie's husband Jackson. Jess. Luke. I don't know for sure about anybody else."
"Did any of the people you just named react badly?"
"No. But they were all sympathetic which is even worse. I don't want sympathy; I just wanted to be treated like normal. I'm the town's golden girl. Have I ever told you that?"
"No. What do you mean?"
"In their eyes I can do no wrong. When Dean dumped me, Luke put him in a headlock for hurting me. They were practically fighting in the middle of town. When Jess and I had the car accident, he got all the blame. I know that Taylor and Miss Patty and all the rest aren't really going to make snarky comments about being an unwed mother. But I'll have to hear 'oh how horrible' and 'is there anything I can do?' for *years*. They'll never look at me the same way again. I don't want to be stared or walk in someplace and *know* they all just stopped talking about me. I don't want to explain what happened."
"Is there anyway, besides hiding, that you could prevent these things from happening?"
"Why are you pushing this? What does it matter if I go out or not?"
"Because hiding solves nothing. Now I'm not saying you need to put up on a billboard what happened to you. Some things are private. But I am saying that there comes a point when you have to face the fact that the world still exists and that you have to live in it. What are you going to do 10 years from now if something bad happens? Hide? That's not a coping mechanism, that's just a bad habit. You can't gain anything from hiding. You may feel safe but look at the life you lead. Never going anywhere, never doing or experiencing anything, never talking to your friends. That's not a life. Hiding gives you the illusion of safety and you stand to lose a lot by indulging in it."
"Fine." Rory didn't roll her eyes but her tone made her position clear. "I guess I could talk to Miss Patty, tell her the truth. Telling her or Babette anything is the quickest way to spread something all over town."
"Would either of them distort what you told them?"
"They might on small stuff but not on something this important."
"So, if you told either one of them that you didn't want any sympathy and that you wanted everyone to treat you normally, then that would be the message they spread? Or if you were adamant that Jess didn't get you pregnant?"
"Probably."
"Rory." He got up from where he was sitting on the front steps, standing awkwardly the way he had done that long ago day at Sookie's wedding. Unsure of himself, uncomfortable but unable to stay away or flee.
She saw his eyes flick down and take in the swollen belly that her overalls no longer hid. Her first instinct was to cover her stomach with her hands and try to hide but she forced the impulse back. Her conversations with Dr. Riley were slowly getting her accept the baby as a part of her life. Besides, he'd already seen it. Rory kept her hands where they were, at her side. "How are you Jess?"
"I'm all right." He was standing in front of her now, looking like he wanted to reach out and touch her. Rory took a tactful step back. "I started classes at the community college."
"That's good." Rory lowered herself on the steps and bit back the sigh of relief. Her ankles had been bothering her lately. "Do you have a favorite?"
"English literature, I think. We've been talking about Edmund Spencer and Thomas Moore. I'm thinking I might want to major in Lit." The topic was safe, neutral. There was no delving into the past, at least not yet. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fat and crazy." Rory had no idea where the words came from and clapped a hand over mouth in horror the moment they escaped. "Sorry. 'I'm all right' is what I meant to say."
Jess shot his patented 'I smell bullshit' look at her. "And Taylor's throwing my next birthday party. Truth Rory."
She sighed, not wanting to go into it but not having the mental energy to lie. "Mom dragged me to a physiatrist about a month ago and I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. I can't take medication because of Thumper here so now I'm in therapy two days a week. Hence, the crazy."
"Thumper?" Jess took the easy question first.
Rory explained about the baby's nickname, drawing a soft chuckle from Jess. "The fat is pretty self explanatory."
"You don't look that bad. Kind of softer and rounder now than you used to."
"That's because I'm only in my sixth month. I'm going to get a lot bigger before this is over."
Jess shifted uncomfortably at this frank mention of pregnancy, but still asked the question that weighed on his mind. "Do you know what you're going to do?"
"No. I keep thinking about keeping it but I can't seem to come to a clear decision." Rory shivered slightly, both from the cooling evening air and the topic of conversation. "What are you doing here Jess?"
"I miss you. I still don't understand why you broke up with me." No more sliding around the hard topics.
Rory let out a bitter laugh. "We just finished discussing the reason. I have cause to be fat Jess; this isn't my lifetime diet of junk food and coffee catching up with me. I'm pregnant, with a baby that isn't yours. I think that's a damn good reason to break up."
"But it's not like you cheated on me. You can't help that any of this happened. So why punish both you and me when neither of us did anything wrong?"
"What if I keep the baby Jess? Is that what you want? A screaming infant around 24/7? A girlfriend who can't ever put you first? Who's damaged goods on top of being an unwed mother? *I* wouldn't want that and I won't subject you to it. You're better off without me Jess. Go find someone else, someone who hasn't screwed her life all to hell. I won't drag you down with me." Rory hauled herself to her feet and headed back into the house. She didn't want Jess to see her tears. "Go home. Forget about me."
**************************************************************************** ***********
"Mom I am not going to explain it again. Jess and I are over. I thought you'd be happy. You haven't exactly been a member of the Jess fan club."
"The kid grew on me. And you're making a mistake Rory. Hand me another trash bag, would you?" The two women were cleaning out Lorelai's closet, which was threatening to explode from overcrowding. Despite all past protests against getting rid of clothing, Lorelai had finally conceded that her closet was too full. "Don't cut yourself off from the people that care about you."
"I'm not. I'm thinking of Jess's best interests here. He's worked very, very hard to get where he is and I won't be responsible for dragging him down."
"Just for breaking his heart, huh?"
"That's low." Rory ducked her head so that her mother wouldn't see that the words had stung. "And that's my shirt you're giving to Goodwill."
"You haven't worn it in two years. Jess is a big boy and he can think for himself. He knows about the baby. He knows what he's trying to get himself into and he loves you. Why can't you accept that?"
"How can he know what he's getting into? *I* don't know what's going to happen when Thumper's born. I can't sort out one feeling from another these days, not without breaking down in tears or feeling like I want to rip someone's head off. I'm not comfortable being involved with anyone right now. I just can't handle it. And who are you to be pushing this subject anyway? You didn't start dating until I was 11."
"That's actually my point. Do you want to spend the next twelve years lonely? Kids are wonderful but it's a long time before they make good companions."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. This bag's full." Rory tied it closed and reached for another. "How much is left to sort though?"
"Shoes, sweaters and dresses."
"This is the never-ending task." Rory added her full bag to the pile by the door. "How have you accumulated this much clothing?"
"Very carefully my dear. I haven't thrown anything away since 1985." They continued to work for a few more minutes, neither one speaking until Lorelai broke the silence. "Your grandparents called yesterday, about Thanksgiving."
"I'm not going."
"You haven't even heard what the plans are yet."
"A dinner party at Grandma's, with a bunch of her and Grandpa's friends who'll make polite chit-chat all evening while discreetly staring at my stomach and gossiping about me unmercifully on their way home. Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful holiday."
"Actually, Grandpa managed to get tickets to the Macy's grandstand. We've been invited to join them in New York for the weekend. Grandma's already booked rooms at the Carlyle."
"I still don't want to go."
"Bull. You've wanted to see that parade live since you were six years old. There is no good reason for you stay home. This time I put my foot down: we're going."
"Why?"
Lorelai sighed. Her wonderful daughter had been taken over by this surly, argumentative pod person. When would the real Rory return? "Because it's a generous invitation. Because there is no good reason to say no. Because you're in danger of turning into a hermit. Because I'm finally getting along rather well with my parents the way you've bugging me to for years. Take your pick and make sure you bring a nice outfit. I know we'll be eating in at least one fancy restaurant."
"You can't make me go."
"How old are you? 'You can't make me' is the response of a five-year- old. Thanksgiving in New York: the parade, some shopping, a show and a couple of nice dinners. If we're lucky, maybe it'll snow for us and make everything pretty."
Rory sighed. "You won't let me of this will you?"
"I cannot make you go but I can say that *you* will explain to the Gilmores why you aren't present for the holiday. You want to stay home, you can but know that I *am* going and I will not be responsible for making any excuses for you." Lorelai kept her voice light, as if she was chatting about a party. She figured that sounding angry would just make it harder to convince Rory to make a Thanksgiving appearance.
"All right, all right. I'll go." Rory threw another pair of shoes into her garbage bag. "When are you hauling all this stuff to Goodwill?"
"Tomorrow evening while you're at your appointment."
"Okay." Rory tied the last bag shut, then stood to stretch. Her back was stiff. "How did you accumulate so much junk?"
"Bite your tongue. This is not *junk*." Lorelai looked at the mound of filled bags. "I haven't thrown away anything since 1985. Most of this stuff are *classics*."
"At least the less fortunate will benefit from your pronounced pack- rat tendencies."
**************************************************************************** *********
"So what would be the worst thing to happen over Thanksgiving?" Dr. Riley asked the next evening. "You're obviously very worried."
"Grandma and Grandpa treating me weird. Or Mom fighting with them all weekend." The answers were automatic.
"What about people seeing you and commenting on the pregnancy? You've said several times that you feel concerned about people noticing your condition."
"I'm not really thinking about that. I just don't want to spend a long weekend listening to Mom bicker with my grandparents. I can't make an easy escape the way I can at home."
"I'm hearing concerns about your family but nothing about being seen in public while visibly pregnant. Yet, you still refuse to go out at home. That's a lot of conflict in your behavior patterns."
"People know me in Stars Hollow. In New York I'll be anonymous."
"Do you believe people at home will judge you?"
"I don't know!" The words exploded in a painful burst. "I don't think so but-"
"What?"
"What if they do?" An anguished whisper. "What if Jess gets blamed? What if they think I lied about being raped, just to protect him? What if they start whispering behind my back, about how I'm a slut or a whore or something? I love Stars Hollow. I couldn't stand not being able to live there the way I do now."
"But you don't trust the other people in the town, the same people you profess to love living around. Does anyone there know what was done to you?"
"A few. Mom, obviously. Her friend Sookie and probably Sookie's husband Jackson. Jess. Luke. I don't know for sure about anybody else."
"Did any of the people you just named react badly?"
"No. But they were all sympathetic which is even worse. I don't want sympathy; I just wanted to be treated like normal. I'm the town's golden girl. Have I ever told you that?"
"No. What do you mean?"
"In their eyes I can do no wrong. When Dean dumped me, Luke put him in a headlock for hurting me. They were practically fighting in the middle of town. When Jess and I had the car accident, he got all the blame. I know that Taylor and Miss Patty and all the rest aren't really going to make snarky comments about being an unwed mother. But I'll have to hear 'oh how horrible' and 'is there anything I can do?' for *years*. They'll never look at me the same way again. I don't want to be stared or walk in someplace and *know* they all just stopped talking about me. I don't want to explain what happened."
"Is there anyway, besides hiding, that you could prevent these things from happening?"
"Why are you pushing this? What does it matter if I go out or not?"
"Because hiding solves nothing. Now I'm not saying you need to put up on a billboard what happened to you. Some things are private. But I am saying that there comes a point when you have to face the fact that the world still exists and that you have to live in it. What are you going to do 10 years from now if something bad happens? Hide? That's not a coping mechanism, that's just a bad habit. You can't gain anything from hiding. You may feel safe but look at the life you lead. Never going anywhere, never doing or experiencing anything, never talking to your friends. That's not a life. Hiding gives you the illusion of safety and you stand to lose a lot by indulging in it."
"Fine." Rory didn't roll her eyes but her tone made her position clear. "I guess I could talk to Miss Patty, tell her the truth. Telling her or Babette anything is the quickest way to spread something all over town."
"Would either of them distort what you told them?"
"They might on small stuff but not on something this important."
"So, if you told either one of them that you didn't want any sympathy and that you wanted everyone to treat you normally, then that would be the message they spread? Or if you were adamant that Jess didn't get you pregnant?"
"Probably."
