Author's note: I have returned! And after only over a year. Once again, I'm going to stress that I am not a medical professional in any sense of the word. Do not take anything I've written in here as fact. And I wrote the fight between Lorelai and Emily long before WBB ever aired. I've never really like Emily, she's much too cold but she is fun to write. So here goes Chapter 10 of Echoes.
True her nature, Rory considered Dr. Riley's suggestion of telling Babette or Patty what had happened, but in the end backed off. The seclusion she'd sought for the last few months had become so ingrained that she couldn't bring herself to break it. Even Jess had finally stopped trying to break through her shell. With Thanksgiving and the long weekend in New York rapidly approaching, Rory managed to put Dr. Riley's suggestion out of her mind.
"What am I supposed to wear to dinner on Thursday?" Rory yelled up the stairs to her mother's room.
"Clothes! Preferably cleans ones that match and cover all of the thing's that they're supposed to cover!" was the unhelpful reply.
"Try something a little more specific!"
"A nice dress with shoes, stockings and jewelry. Along with make-up and decent hair. Think that black dress from Pea in the Pod.'
"And could that store have been anymore more sickeningly named?" Rory grumbled to herself as she pulled the garment out of her closet and added it to her bag, along with the aforementioned shoes and jewelry. That was all she had left to pack. She didn't want to remember the trip to the maternity store at the mall, where the salesladies had either fawned over her belly or stared at her ring-less left hand. "And the rest of the time?"
"Anything that won't give your grandmother too much of an eye-twitch! That's my job!" Lorelai bounced down the stairs with her suitcase in tow. "For once, I'm on time, and to meet my parents to boot. Surely Satan must be lacing up those ice skates." She looked at Rory. "Can I ask why you plan to wear your bathrobe on the train?"
"Don't start Mom."
"We have to leave very soon or we'll be late. And if we're late, then I have to hear about it for the rest of the weekend. There will be pointed remarks, offers to buy me a watch, offers to come set our clocks to the correct time, and, quite possibly, unwelcome wake-up calls to our room. At least tell me that you're packed and that all you have to do is actually put on clothing. Clothing that right now doesn't even have to be nice or tasteful. Clothing that is simply clean and can be worn on the train to New York that we have to catch very soon. Did I mention we're going to be late?"
"And with the time you just wasted lecturing me, we'll be even later."
"Just get ready would you? And are you packed?"
"Yes Mother. Despite what you may believe, I haven't forgotten how to pack a suitcase just because I'm pregnant. You might have lost your mind when you went through it but not me."
Lorelai tried not to feel the lance of pain in her heart at the tone Rory used. It was the same tone she had directed at Emily so many times. The 'You're an idiot that I'm just barely tolerating' tone. Soon to be followed by the 'I don't care what you have to say and I'm not going to listen' tone. And the cold use of 'Mother'. Flinging the cherished title as a weapon. "Just hurry up please." The excitement over Thanksgiving in New York vanished. "I'm going to go put my bag in the Jeep. We're leaving in 10 minutes."
Rory regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. Her mother was simply excited and actually looking forward to seeing her parents, an event that occurred very rarely. And here she was acting like a brat and taking all the shine off the trip. She ducked back into her room and yanked on a sweater and overalls, mentally cursing at herself the whole time. It was as though a pod person had taken over her body or something. She'd open her mouth and something completely different than what she intended to say came flying out. Pregnancy sucked.
They made the train with only two minutes to spare and the trip passed in near total silence. Lorelai pretended to go over paperwork for the Dragonfly, while Rory stared at a book but never turned a page. It wasn't until they were pulling into Grand Central that Lorelai finally spoke. "I really do get it that you have very little reason to be in a good mood but I'm asking you to please make an effort this weekend to at least fake one. Four days with your grandparents is going to be difficult enough, without you snapping at everyone. If you have to do it, can you please not let them in on the game? And also take into account that you've been after me for years to repair my relationship with them and that this weekend represents a huge step towards that goal. Be as nasty as you like to me, I don't really care. But please do your damndest to not let Emily and Richard hear." With that she rose, grabbed her bags and headed towards the exit. With a heavy heart, Rory followed. She'd really blown it this time.
Dinner passed nicely, if a bit quietly. If the elder Gilmores' thought anything was amiss between Rory and Lorelai they kept it to themselves. Plans were made to meet the next morning for the parade, and dinner at the Plaza after that. Of course Emily did slip a 'reminder' about the time for their reservations into the discussion but Lorelai let it go by unchallenged. One more indication of how distracted she was by Rory's attitude.
Somehow the weekend passed. Lorelai continued to act as though nothing was wrong, as if Rory had never lost her temper but Rory knew it was an act. Her mother smiled a little too brightly, laughed a little too loudly and said at all nothing to irritate her own parents. By Saturday Emily had finally noticed the change in Lorelai's behavior and to Rory's frustration began to make comments about how nice it was that Lorelai was finally acting her age and making it a pleasure to spend time with her. After the third such insulting compliment Rory was sure she saw her mother visibly flinch, as though in pain. The decent relations of the past few months seemed to fade as Emily hit her stride of put-downs. But when matters came to a head she wasn't there, having pled pregnancy fatigue to get out of drinks in the hotel lounge.
"This is just so nice. What a lovely weekend and how nice it was that you finally learned how to behave in public. Spending time with you is such a pleasure now. Better late than never I suppose." Emily let out a tinkling artificial laugh. "Now if I can just get you to earn an actual college degree, I suppose you'll have made something out of your life after all." As the words left her mouth, Emily knew she had gone too far. The color drained out of Lorelai's face as she stood up rapidly. Even Richard was frowning at her.
"I'm done. I'm done with you and all of this. Maybe I didn't follow the path you laid out for me and I know I could have been a better daughter, but damn you for saying that! How dare you belittle my accomplishments? I have a college degree, I own my own home, my own business, I've successfully raised my child and I've built the life that I wanted, the one that makes me happy and whole. I figured out as a child that I wasn't going to be happy in Hartford society, wearing pearls and attending DAR meetings. Why couldn't you ever accept that! Why couldn't you love me for who I am, instead of hating me for who I wasn't? You know what my first real memory of you is? My dance recital at the age of five. You insisted I take those classes, I spent weeks practicing that stupid routine, I missed one turn during the show and you spent three weeks telling me how if I'd just make some effort I might get it right! At five years old I learned that I was a disappointment to my parents and you know what? You've never, ever done anything to make me feel any different." To her horror, Lorelai realized that tears were streaming down her face. "I've had enough. Get out of my life and stay out. No more Friday night dinners, no phone calls, no visits. As far as I'm concerned, you've lost the right call yourself my mother. I'm not sure you ever really wanted that right in the first place. 'Be Quiet Lorelai! Wear this dress you hate Lorelai! Nobody wants to hear what you have to say Lorelai! You aren't good enough Lorelai! You aren't a good person Lorelai!' Well congratulations Emily. You got your wish!" Before either of the stunned Gilmores could so much as blink, she was out of the lounge and out of the their lives.
"I'm not going to tell you the details Rory. Just please let it go." Lorelai turned her head to stare out the train window again, watching the scenery slip by as they headed towards home. She willed the train to go faster, to get her back the comfort and safety of Stars Hollow
"You kicked Grandma out of your life, and by extension mine as well." Even as she spoke Rory knew she shouldn't be pressing for details. Her mother's pain was practically visible and pulsing. But some perverse part of her person kept pressing.
"I haven't kicked her out of your life, just mine."
"Bull. She'll cut me off to get to you and you know it. Only this time you don't care. You're so determined to hurt Grandma that you don't care who you step on and now you've screwed me over as well. Bad enough I hardly knew them until three years ago but now you've driven them off for good, just because you're too selfish to ever admit they might be right about anything." Rory clapped a hand across her mouth almost as soon as she said the hateful words. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."
"Yes you did." Lorelai's tone had gone past flat, to completely emotionless. She didn't speak again until they pulled into the driveway of their house. "I'm going to Luke's for coffee. Put your laundry in the washer and make sure to move it along so I can do mine."
The emotional iceberg that moved into the Gilmore house remained there for the next week. Rory avoided her mother as much as possible, too ashamed of herself to even look Lorelai in the face. For her part, Lorelai wasn't home much. She threw herself into the plans for the Inn and managed to block out most of the world around her. Her customary wild energy became sober and focused. She didn't bounce around singing Christmas carols or planning the tree and decorations. There was no gleeful baiting of Taylor at the town meeting or bugging Luke to decorate the diner. She didn't really speak to Rory unless it was to tell her that dinner was ready or that she was going out somewhere. The first snowfall came and Lorelai didn't acknowledge it. When Rory crept upstairs for their traditional walk, Lorelai pretended to be asleep. Gradually Rory came to realize just how badly she had hurt her mother and that this time the breach might be impossible to fix.
Most days Lorelai felt like she couldn't breathe. Only by keeping busy did she feel alive in anyway. Other times she hurt too much to want to keep existing. Her mother had made it clear that she was ashamed of her and that her life had amounted to nothing. Her daughter thought she was so selfish that she would screw up anyone's life in order to maintain her own beliefs. Her father saw nothing wrong with sitting silently while her mother belittled her. And worst of all, Rory was right. She was selfish and had most likely thrown away Rory's relationship with her grandparents, a relationship that she cherished. She had lived her life to make herself happy, not caring who she hurt in the process. The realization that this was what her daughter thought was more than Lorelai could bear and she shut down as much as possible to keep the pain at bay. If she let it in, she would break down. She was so lost in her despair that she never even thought about the emotional issues Rory had been diagnosed with or the number pregnancy hormones did on a woman's rationality, and what they were doing to mess up her daughter's thought processes.
"I think I should go stay with Paris for awhile. She has a spare room in her apartment and say's she'd be glad to have me." Rory stood in the kitchen, fidgety and ill at ease.
"What?" Lorelai looked up from the floor plans she was studying to see a suitcase in Rory's hand. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm going to stay with Paris for a few days, maybe even a few weeks. I can't stay in this house anymore. The walls are closing in on me. You won't even look at me, which is no more than I deserve, and I just can't stay here. I was so horrible and out of line and I hurt you so bad and you're my mother for God's sake and how could I have done that?" She was breathing hard now, almost hyperventilating. Without thinking Lorelai was on her feet and rubbing Rory's back to try and calm her down.
"It's okay Rory. Slow down just a little, nice slow deep breaths all right? Nice and slow." The tension between them vanished for a moment and things felt normal again. "I know you didn't mean what you said. I've been sulking."
"Mom don't. Don't dismiss those things I said. I was completely out of line and I didn't mean any of it, which makes it even worse. And the pregnancy hormones are no excuse. You were already hurting from Grandma and I just made things a thousand times worse. I really think I should go to Paris's for a while, until I can get my head screwed on straight. I'll keep seeing Dr. Riley. Maybe she can help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, just a few weeks ago I was telling her what a terrific mother you where, and then I turn around and attack you. I can't figure out what's going on in my head most days and I hate the person I'm turning into but I can't seem to stop it." She was crying again and made no effort to stop the tears.
"Sweetheart, don't do this to yourself." Lorelai wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her close. "Believe it or not, most of this really is just hormones. They make you crazy on a good day, and neither one of us have been having any of those lately. I'm not saying you weren't out of line but you aren't completely to blame either. And the PTSD on top of that doesn't help either. You don't need to leave."
"Yes I do. Mom, what I said wasn't true. None of it. You aren't selfish or self-absorbed and you were justified in staying away from Grandma when I was young. I never should have blamed you for whatever happened in New York, especially when I don't know the details. Your relationship with her isn't my business anymore. And I hurt you terribly. I saw the pain in your eyes and I can't stand that I caused it. So I'm going to go and stay with Paris until I figure out how to fix this because I have to fix this. No fight with Luke or Sookie or Grandma has ever made you feel this bad. And every time we cross paths in the house I know it hurts you. You forgot I can read you like a book." Rory looked her mother in the eye for the first time in two weeks. "You don't bounce anymore. You don't smile or laugh or tease me about getting fat and not being able to see my feet. You don't ask how I'm feeling or any of those thousand things that remind me that you love me. And I'm the cause of that."
"And you think that leaving is going to fix it? That I won't feel about a million times worse now that you aren't here and I know it's because I stopped asking about how you're feeling?" Lorelai's effort to keep from yelling wasn't working very well. "How do we fix this if you aren't here!"
"I don't know! I just know that I can't stay! I can't do this anymore. It's like we're in some sort of weird limbo or the Twilight Zone or something! It's upside down and weird and wrong and I'm afraid we're going to end up like you and Grandma and I don't want that!"
"I don't want that either! But I screwed things up for you Rory and I don't know how to fix it! I supposed to be able to fix this, I'm your mother and it's my job. That's been my job since the day you were born. And now all of sudden I can't fix anything!" Lorelai yelled back.
"I don't want you to fix this, because you I know that you can't. Your formidable mother powers just don't go that far. I just want some support while I figure this out and I threw that away when I attacked you like that. Being alone is what I deserve!" The tears that had been threatening for the last hour overwhelmed her and Rory collapsed down into a kitchen chair, her hands over her face. "Why did this happen? My life is shot to hell. I'm drowning in darkness and I don't know how to save myself. Why couldn't he have just killed me or something?"
"Don't you dare say that!" Lorelai forced Rory's hands away from her face. "I swear I'll have you put in the hospital like Dr. Riley suggested. I will not let you hurt yourself."
"I didn't mean that Mom." Rory felt tired all of a sudden and drained. "I don't want to leave. I just feel like I have to go."
"You don't. More to the point, I'm not going to let you. I can't fix this pregnancy or turn back time and prevent the rape or even speak civilly to my mother. But I can keep you here and love you no matter what. Those 'formidable mother powers' will not let you out that front door feeling like you can't stay here. You are my daughter and I love you, no matter what horrible, pregnancy and PTSD venom spews from your mouth. Do you understand me oh Crazy One?" Lorelai punctuated her words by tossing Rory's suitcase in the direction in the direction of her bedroom and taking Rory in her arms. "And if you try to leave I'll ground you until you're grown up. I know I never grounded you before but there's a first time for everything."
Rory sniffled, then smiled her first real smile for what felt like months. "I'm not testing you, you'll do it. Hell, I'm starting to think you'd tie me to the chair.
"You curse now." Lorelai smiled a sad smile and explained her odd statement. "I don't think I've ever heard you curse until the last few months. And you're damn right I'll tie you down. We have a lot to work through and I'm not going to say you didn't hurt me, but your birth was doing the splits on dynamite and I forgave you for that didn't I? Now we're going to call Dr. Riley and see if she can't help us untangle this ungodly mess, and then we'll indulge in some serious movie watching and junk food gorging." She glanced at Rory's swollen abdomen and amended her statement. "I'll gorge and you'll eat sensibly and in moderation, baring any bizarre cravings. Which, by the way, I can't believe you're not having. I spent six months eating the grossest concoctions you could come up and you just eat more fruit. Where is the Nutella covered celery? The marshmallow fluff and bologna? The cheese and ice cream? I had to eat that stuff, why haven't you?"
"I wanted to eat a salad last week. Does that count?"
"That's worse than all of mine put together. Did you give in?"
Rory hung her head in mock shame. "I ate the evil vegetables mommy. Are you going to disown me?
Lorelai pretended to ponder the thought. "I suppose I'll keep you for now. But you will be require to be my slave to make up for your egregious error." She put an arm around Rory and pulled her to her feet. "Go wash your face and get your jacket. We're going to Doose's and the video store. We have a belated snow walk to get to."
Lorelai called Dr. Riley the next morning and made arrangements for several joint sessions between her and Rory. She also made some appointments for herself. She was starting to think that the knots she was tied up in over Richard and Emily could use a professional look. Rory and Lorelai didn't discuss the sessions outside of Kat's office but they both felt better inside after them. Christmas crept closer and Lorelai belatedly started putting decorations. Luke helped her set up the tree one week before the holiday and that night she and Rory started putting on the ornaments. Rather, Lorelai decorated the tree while Rory went through the adoption files yet again, trying to find the perfect family for the rapidly growing Thumper. Rory couldn't see her feet anymore and rarely got more than an hour or two of sleep before the baby's kicking would wake her up. She was tired, cranky and frustrated as hell.
"This is too hard!" Rory threw the one of the folders across the room. "How am I supposed to do this?"
"Eenie meeny miny moe is a perfectly acceptable option. You're the one who rejected it."
"I'm trying to select parents for this kid, not choose between pizza toppings," Rory shot back. "Somehow I don't think this can be decided that easily." Awkwardly she pushed herself off the couch and knelt down to collect the scattered paperwork. "Why didn't I just let the agency decide?"
"You said at the time that not picking turned your stomach." Lorelai shooed Rory back to the couch and finished picking up the folders herself. "You couldn't stand the thought of Thumper going to complete strangers."
"I know." Rory let out a frustrated sigh. "And I still believe that. But reading these files give me no sense of the kind of parents these people will make. They all seem to say the same thing: love children, financially stable, solid marriage, eternally grateful. That's not what I want to know. I want to know what they believe about education and discipline and gender roles and kids sports and the appropriate age to introduce coffee into Thumper's diet. What role is their extended family going to play in Thumper's life? What's their town like? Will they read to her a lot? What music will be exposed to? Will they encourage her to achieve all that she can dream or try to force her into a pre-determined role? Public school or private? Any siblings? Do they travel a lot? A stay-at-home mom or one that works? If both parents work, who's going to care for Thumper? The file don's say any of this." Rory groaned in renewed frustration. "Did I mention this whole thing sucks?"
"Just once or twice." Lorelai finished stacking the files and resisted her own temptation to pitch them into the fireplace. "Can you ask the agency for more info?"
"Not according to Connecticut state law. All agency adoptions are carried out to ensure the anonymity of both the adoptive and birth parents. The only info I have is what's in those files. Unless I arrange a private adoption through an attorney with parents I select personally, that is." Tears began to ooze down her face. "This sucks. I'm giving up Thumper to some faceless file."
"Well, why don't you describe your perfect parents? Maybe we know them and you could go the lawyer route."
"Who do we know that's looking to adopt?" Rory ran her hands through her hair and tried to get control of her emotions. Then her hands flew to her belly. "God it's active tonight."
"Babies sense tension and respond by trying to kick their way free. You use to knock the wind out of me at dinner for the last three months. Every single night, as soon as Emily opened her mouth, you revved up."
Rory looked down at her belly. "There are multiple months left to go in there, whether you like the accommodations or not. Get use to it." She turned back to the files. "I'd better look through these again. One of them has to jump up and scream 'Pick Me!'"
"Do you have any idea what you're looking for?"
"I don't know!" FrustratedRory! made a return with appearance with a vengeance. "I can't think! I hate this, I HATE THIS! Why is this happening, why do I have to do this! Why? What did I do? What did I do! I've done everything I was supposed to do and this is what happened? I'm not studying for my first Yale finals, I'm sitting here with heartburn and swollen ankles and I'm trying to pick a family for my illegitimate child that I only conceived because I was raped!" Another file flew across the room, followed by a hairbrush and several magazines. Rory was on her feet, eyes blazing and tears streaming down her face unchecked. "I want my life back! He stole it from and I want it back! Give me back my life!" With that final scream, Rory swayed and collapsed to the ground, hitting her head on the coffee table as she fell.
