"Mom?"
"I'm right here Rory." Lorelai leaned into Rory's field of vision. "How are you feeling?"
"Like déjà vu. But no headache this time." She winced as she tried to sit up. "Hey I can see my feet!"
"Told you they hadn't run off to Rio." Lorelai pushed the button to raise the bed and spare Rory the effort. "You want some water?"
"Please." Rory gratefully gulped down most of the cup her mother handed her. "My throat hurts."
"After all the screaming and yelling you did last night I'm not surprised."
"It hurt! I thought my whole body was being ripped apart. Splits on dynamite nothing, that was the Jaws of Life prying apart my lower body." Rory fell silent and leaned back against the pillows. "Is she healthy?"
"She's perfect. The most beautiful baby in the nursery." The next question was on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't ask it. Rory beat her to it.
"So I guess it's time to make a decision."
"You can't put it off anymore." Lorelai took a deep breath. "I talked to Social Services. They'll take her to a foster home if you haven't made up you mind on the parents before you're both discharged. They said this is pretty common actually."
Rory stared down at her hands, not speaking for a very long time. Just when Lorelai thought she'd fallen back asleep she broke the silence. "You want to take her don't you?"
"Yes." The word left Lorelai's mouth before she'd even had a chance to think about it. "Very much."
"Then I'll sign the papers and she'll be my sister instead of my daughter. You'll do a better job raising her than I ever could." The words came slowly, in an almost unemotional tone. Only someone who knew Rory very well could hear the absolute anguish.
"Are you sure?" She didn't want to ask but she knew she had to. Not just for Rory's sake but for that little girl as well. "This is one of those major life decisions Rory. You can't change your mind later."
"I can't raise her. It won't be fair to me or to her. I'll always resent her for holding me back and that isn't fair. This isn't her fault. I elected to have her and that means I have to do what's best for her. And that means making sure she has the best mother possible. I can't be that. I don't want her, I see raising her as an enormous burden. You see her as a joy and a privilege. That's what she needs. And I can't give her that. I can be a great big sister but I'll be a lousy mother, at least to her. I'll never be able to love her in the way that you loved me. I'll sign the papers." She was crying now, partially from the hormones and partially from relief. "It's for the best."
Lorelai was crying too. One part of her couldn't stand how much pain Rory was in and the other part was doing cartwheels over the prospect of the baby. "I'll call the agency and then I'll find a good family law attorney. I think we'll have to do this as a private adoption."
"Probably. The agency only places babies with couples that have passed all their screening and background checks." Rory wiped her eyes and tried to compose herself. "We should probably start making plans for when they let me out. Going home probably won't be the best idea."
Lorelai closed her eyes and fought back tears. "I know you're right kid but that part sucks."
"Maybe Paris will let me crash with her for awhile, until I figure out what I'm going to do next. At least until school starts in the fall. Maybe I can fit in some summer classes and start catching up." A slight glimmer of happiness shone through Rory's eyes at the prospect of school. "Or maybe do some traveling. I just keep thinking that if this is really going to work then I can't be around her for a while."
"What do you mean by 'awhile'?"
"Six months, maybe a year. Enough time so that you settled in with her and I settle in with Yale and the lines of life get clearly drawn."
Lorelai didn't respond for the longest time. "I don't know if now is the right time to be making huge decisions. You've still got some heavy-duty hormones running through your system. It may not even be legal for you to sign the papers right away because of that."
"I'll sign whenever they let me. I'm not going to change my mind on this. I don't want to be her mother. I want you to have that privilege. And you need to be able to focus on her, and not worry about me."
"I'm always going to worry about you. That's what mothers do. We worry. And I'm not every going to stop, no matter how old you get."
"But if she's going to have the best start then you have to be able to focus on her. And I have to do what's best for me. Giving her up will be easier if I don't have to be around her every day. How can I call myself her sister if my breasts leak every time she cries?" Rory's legendary practicality was shining through now; even though she was tears were starting to leak down her face. "Mom, I didn't conceive her with somebody I loved. She's a painful reminder of a horrible experience. As much as I love her, and I do, I don't want to be around her every day.
There was really no argument Lorelai could make to dissuade Rory. And a big part of her didn't want to. That was the part that was already making plans for a nursery and mentally rearranging her office to accommodate a cradle. Rory was right. It would be better for all three of them to allow Lorelai the time to bond with her new daughter, and for Rory to have the time to herself to heal in both body and soul.
"What do you want to name her?"
"What?" The rather abrupt subject change took Rory by surprise.
"You did all the work here. And yes, I'll be raising her. But I think you should name her. Call it big sister privilege."
Rory fell silent, thinking swiftly. "How about Olivia? No history, no meaning, no influence from Demerol. Just a nice name picked because I like it."
"Olivia Lorelai Gilmore."
"No Lorelai. Anything else but Lorelai. That's the whole point of giving her a name that is just hers and no one else's."
"Okay, fine. How about Olivia Kathleen?"
"Olivia Kathleen Gilmore. Sounds very DARish."
"Bite your tongue."
And then the tone turned serious again. "Do you want to see her?"
Rory shook her head. "No. It'll just make it harder. I know she's healthy and that's enough for me."
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Lorelai ran her finger lightly over the little cheeks again, marveling at how soft they felt. Olivia continued to snooze away, unaware of her mother's scrutiny. A thick layer of dark curls peaked out from under the pink cap on her head. And while her eyes hadn't been open long, they had been revealed to be light milky bluish-grey. Her skin was still blotchy and red from her birth, but showed signs of an olive complexion. So she wouldn't be a Black Irish Gilmore the way Lorelai was or carry Rory's classical looks, but would still be a beautiful child in her own right as she grew.
Lorelai still wasn't sure how one day could bring so much joy and so much pain all at once. Even as she rejoiced over the warm, squirming little bundle in her arms, her heart was aching for her oldest daughter. She knew, even if Rory didn't, how hard it was going to be to walk away from the baby two days from now. Oh Rory would do it. She'd sign the papers and stay with Paris and even go back to Europe this summer. But part of her would always be thinking about the baby, even as her milk dried up and her figure returned to normal. Rory was kidding herself if she though six months would be enough time. Deep in her heart Lorelai knew it would be at least a year before she'd see Rory for any length of time. Even now it would probably be a month or two before Lorelai could drive to New Haven. Nothing had been said but the agreement was in the air that Rory would not come to Stars Hollow for a very long time. For the better part of the year all of her recent misery and depression had seemed to center around the town and it was no longer her haven. Lorelai doubted that Rory would ever live in Star's Hollow again.
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The next two days seemed to fly by and crawl all at once. Lorelai was busy pulling together baby supplies and setting up a bassinet in her bedroom, while simultaneously explaining to her friends and co-workers how and why she suddenly had two children. In between the fuss at home she was at the hospital finalizing the arrangements with Rory and the family law attorney the Inn's lawyer had recommended. Rory had to sign papers stating that she had no idea who the father was, how to contact him and swearing to the circumstances of conception, so that his rights could be terminated in absentia. Then temporary custody had to be ceded to Lorelai so that Olivia wouldn't have to be released into foster care upon leaving the hospital. The preliminary adoption papers were drawn up and signed, to be finalized in six months when the court was satisfied that Rory was of sound mind to make the final decision. Until that time, she could change her mind and reclaim the baby.
Beyond the legal practicalities, were the physical ones. Rory would stay in Paris's spare bedroom when she was released from the hospital. That meant that most of Rory's things had to be shifted to New Haven. Luckily, Luke volunteered Jess for the job, as Lorelai literally didn't have the time. It was all she could to do get the packing done, crying as she did so. She was too busy with the legal papers and buying baby supplies and arranging for 6 weeks of leave at the Inn. Mia was overjoyed when Lorelai called to tell her about the baby. Emily merely wanted to know if Lorelai had lost her mind and how could she possibly consider raising the infant. Lorelai replied that if Emily found her life to be so offensive she was welcome to stay out of it for good, then hung up and resolved to cut her parents out of her life once and for all. Sookie immediately began to scheme with Babette and Patty to plan a surprise baby shower/meet Olivia party.
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"I'm only going to ask this one more time and then never again: are you absolutely sure this is what you want to do?" Lorelai was sitting next to Rory on the hospital bed, the papers spread out on the tray before them. All her discharge paperwork had been taken care of earlier that morning.
"Yes. This is what is best for all of us." Rory carefully picked up the pen and began to sign the papers that transferred custody of Olivia Kathleen Gilmore to Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. "Paris will be here in half an hour. We have to go right back to New Haven. She has class this afternoon. It may not be too late for me at least audit something."
"Don't push yourself too hard. You still have some healing to do." Lorelai closed her eyes to ward off the tears she felt threatening. "You know you can come home any time. No matter what kid."
"Thank you." Rory dove into her mother's arms and held on for dear life. For one brief moment she considered it: tearing up the papers and jumping in the Jeep and going back to Stars Hollow. But just as quickly she discarded the thought. The world was beckoning and the allure was too strong to pass up. "We'll call lots. And email. And it's not like I'm going to Europe or something. We'll still see each other."
"We've have done this last September anyway." Lorelai nodded her agreement and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She hadn't felt like this since Rory's first day of kindergarten. "I love you so much. You are this amazing, strong woman who is going to make waves in this world. You hear me Rory? You are making a huge sacrifice here. Make it count."
"I will, I promise." The tears were spilling over now as the Gilmore women continued to cling together. "I love you Mom."
A gentle rap on the door caught both of their attention. A candy striper was standing there with a wheelchair. "Miss Gilmore? There's a Miss Gellar at the nurses station. She says she's your ride home."
"I'll be right there." Rory turned back to her mother for one last hug. "Take care of her. Please."
"Of course sweetheart." They shared one last bittersweet hug, tears running down both their faces before Rory settled herself into the wheelchair and allowed herself to be rolled out the door and down the hall towards the exit.
The nursery window was right next to the main door of the maternity ward. "Stop!" The chair came to a halt and Rory cautiously got to her feet. She was still sore and moving was something she did very carefully.
She hadn't set eyes on Olivia since their arrival at the hospital three days ago. As she watched through the window, a nurse picked up a pink wrapped bundle and carried it over to where Lorelai now stood, a paper gown covering her street clothes. The baby passed carefully from one set of arms to the other, as a mother and daughter made eye contact one last time. An eternity passed before Rory took her eyes away from the dark hair and red skin, sitting back down in the wheelchair. "I'm ready to go now."
